I know how you feel Delow... it sucks to have a good memory, it sucks to be smart, it sucks to be a thinker and a dreamer. I remember all about my ex too... I really thought we had something special, but if its all the same to her, then I guess it wasn't that special after all. I know you know that this is just a weak moment for you, and it will pass. If you've got nothing to do on the weekend volunteer. I recently volunteer a few times a week at a day care... let me tell you, the kids love me and it feels great to play with them and whatnot. At first they were afraid of me because my voice is so deep (and sexy :p) but they've really grown attached. I have their mothers asking me to come over during the week to babysit, I would but I got a job. And I've been hit on by so many single mothers, I don't really want baby momma drama, but its still nice.

So yeah, volunteer somewhere where there's ladies or something... I currently have 3 girls after me, but I'm still in school so I meet girls there all the time. I also hate clubs and bars, but I love to shoot pool, go to a pool hall, hustle some people if you're good, if you're not ask someone if they'd teach you some tricks.

Hang in there buddy, you've been busy, but sometimes things just catch up to you.

I think I'm going through some of it what you're going through right now... For some time I felt good and I thought I was getting over it all and everything is going to be great... Well I was wrong.

Some times I still think of her and I miss everything we had... It just hurts so much knowing it's all gone now. I keep thinking that maybe if I was in a relationship I'd be able to move on and stop all these feelings towards the ex... But Like you, I'm not into the club scene much and frankly I wouldn't even want a girl from a club.

I see a lot of attractive girls and all, but I don't have the courage to aproach them or even say anything... Yesterday was such a nice day, so I took my motorcycle for a ride... IT brought the memories of us riding together and having so much fun... It just hurt too damn much...

It's been 2.5 months for me... The pain is still there and I'm hoping it goes away.

R

Wow, guys aren't we a messed up bunch. Sheeesh. So I am on my 3rd or 4th week of NC. IT HURTS LIKE FREAKING HELL. I try the same thing, not to look at myspace etc. Still do. Have not called or emailed. I am Dying Dying to email. I have been thinking about it for a week now. I will probably do it because I still feel like I have one last thing to say. I probably should not do it, but I need to for me. I wrote all I could then reread imagining her responses. So after that I realized I had nothing to say. But one thing.

Its hard not to blame yourself and not to look at all the things that I did wrong that probably made it into what it is (I know should not blame myself.) But yea there are things I did wrong and I am very mad that I did them. So yea "next time." whatever.

Today I look at it this way.

I'm weak and broken. Who is going to want that?
I have lost joy in EVERYTHING. What am I doing?
Everything I do is to try to mask the truth and hide how I feel. Why am I doing this?
Sure I miss her like hell and I pray sometimes that the good we had will overcome. I beat myself up for losing what I felt to be something special.

I am seriously pissed because I am here because of the decisions I made. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I am tired of wanting. I am tired of waiting for someone else. Times I get afraid that I will end up completely blocking her out and then that will be that.

I think perhaps first before trying to want someone back and this and that. GET RIGHT first. Quiet down, feel okay about yourself, not about who she thought I was. IT hurts. Even the good days or good things make me feel even worse. If I wake up and the sun is shinning it makes me even sadder. I don't to use bitterness to get "over her." Can not do anything. SO they tell me sometimes if you pretend long enough that you are happy you will one day find yourself believing that you are. I have a vivid memory and imagine everything we did and how she will be doing that with someone else now. What I lost, what I don't have anymore. How can I enjoy anything anymore now that I know what I have lost? They tell me not to beat myself up, to cry, be a man, get over, it will get better blah blah blah. K fine, intellectually I believe it, makes sense, these are life's patterns. We love, we loose then We love again. Poetry of life. Life always makes more sense looking back, so how to we gain that foreshight, to be ourselves as we wish. I wake up every morning around 2 and vivid thoughts of her rush through my head, gosh when will I fall asleep. I cannot change the way I feel, even though I can change what I do. I can fight everyday not to look at her myspace. Or I can do it be don feel bad and keep slapping myself in the face till I get tired of it. Dammit. My brain won't stop. I am a smart guy, I can look at a situation from infinite angles all seemingly valid, very complicated, yet infinitely simple. What will I choose to believe? What will get me the results I want? What's in my head is more real than what's out there. I cannot foresee the future even though the ones that have gone before me, tell me what lies ahead.

She is just a girl. A girl that onced loved me and now can not come near me. Was I that bad?

Fundamentally what kind of person am I?

That's Today, god knows how I will feel tomorrow

Hey guys...

Here is what I'm feeling today... Yes, it's a "chick show," but, boy... I couldn't say it better.

YouTube - It hurts too much

Sometimes, we just have to let go...

Lol, yep. Now if I can only feel like letting go :)

HA. Someday. Funny stuff.

Plan something for those down times, and off days. The whole idea is enjoying the freedom to do new things, and meet new people, and have the courage to do what your afraid of. Volunteering, I can guarantee, will get you off thoes pity pots and see what its like for people with some devastating problems. Hospitals , schools, retirement homes, soup kitchens. Makes being sad seem kind of good. It's a great way to do for others besides yourself, and meet some great dedicated people. Get with the healing guys, and stop missing the many options for fun, and a good life, that are out there, that don't involve alcohol or video games. You will never find anything by remembering her cute butt. Sports, gyms, libraries and grocery stores, great place to practice those people skills with real people. Now rather than later. That's all a part of healing. Make a plan to engage 2 strangers every day, not for romance but as a good happy human, and see how that makes you feel. Don't knock it without trying it.

[QUOTE=talaniman]You will never find anything by remembering her cute butt.QUOTE]
Lol

You guys are all right, and I knew I could count on you guys being there.
I will definitely try volunteering, and just trying to plan stuff for my days off. I have freedom but I guess the suddeness of it was still new... still haven't spread my wings so to speak lol.

Today I helped my cousin (my dads goddaughter so like a sister to me) read for awhile... it was fun lol.

Im going to have nights like last night I'm sure, but hopefully less frequently. Lately I have 'felt' the ties binding me to her memorie slowly breaking away (hard to put it into words) and its scary, and sad. Its like I can sense myself moving on even if only an inch a day.

But no matter how bad it ever gets. Even if I throw a big pity party and look at all our old memories etc... Ill still be here tomorrow :)

Anyway thanks guys I appreciate it!

So it's one of those nights again lol. But I have had things happen the last few days to kind of push me to where I'm at. I had a blocked number call at 1230am (only people who know me know Im not asleep) and no one I know blocks there number. So of course that thought it might be ex popped up. (or just a wrong number lol) Then a story of how my best friends mom was helped at her bank by my ex. I came up and his mom played it like I was the happiest guy alive "she had never seen me happier" and I "came over to the house the other night with a really pretty girl"

That made me laugh lol. And then touching up my portraits I've drawn (most of which are my ex lol) kind of just made memories pop up. Isn't so bad now that I'm writing about it lol.

And I have a plan to get the picture of my ex sleeping that I drew in the art thread, blown up on canvas as an art piece in my place. (it IS a good drawing) and it was a good memory.

Meh good thing its free pool tonight. And my friend has money now so I don't have to pay for drinks lol

Ok so I broke NC, over a year and a half after starting it.

The way it happened, was drinking with a buddy. And lately he has been down in the dumps, and I have been at an all time high. He didn't believe I was over my ex, dared me to look at her myspace.

Stupid alcohol, I did, and then to top it off I sent her a message. Not the "I miss you" or "hows it going" I kept it short, and just apologized for the horrible things I did.

Was not expecting a response. But she did, and she continued to ask me questions about my life etc... So I answered, didn't bother me none. I made sure not to ask her anything about hers, I was trying to make it just as easy for her to stop, as it was to keep asking.

One thing led to another, we met up one day at the golf range (I told her I was going and we could meet up there) we had fun, went to a movie, then dinner, then a bar. Had a blast. A friend said that was the first time he has ever seen us out together and having a good time.

Well we continued talking on myspace. And at this point all my friends were worrying, saying I was playing with fire. I agreed. But I figured you old feelings are there, but different, I will just go with the flow. ^_^

Since her and the guy she rebounded off me had a bad falling out a few months past, I told her she should date, get herself right. Encouraged other things, I didn't want to get back with her.

But we kept hanging out. Kept seeing each other 2-3 times a week. We are both so different now(almost 2 years later) I guess we started to fall for each other again.

Last two times we hung out, a lot of hand holding, and holding each other.

But I finally made the decision to stop it. Because I don't really want her to date, but she needs to. I don't want to see that. I told her we should probably stop seeing each other and talking because our relationship is steadily escalating, and as much as I would like that. She has to be OK with herself, and I don't think she really knows yet.

She was sad, but I cheered her up. Humor is an amazing tool. We spent the rest of that day and evening doing what we shouldn't (holding each other, hands etc) and watching a movie. Till I finally left knowing it would prob be the last time.

I am sad, but I figure if it's meant to be it will be.

I feel like we were given a second chance. To not really replace, but change what our last memories are of each other.

Instead of the horribleness from my original post on here, or the things she remembered.

Now our last memories are great. It's bittersweet. Quite painful.

But I am OK with it. ^_^ Now to start NC all over again. But it's not so bad, though I don't recommend my particular situation.

Anyway that was this last month.