I got her on the phone, and it was a stupid meaningless conversation.
She managed to make me feel guilty because she was standing out in the cold.
She said she was happy that I called, but asked me not to read too much into that, I said I wished she wouldn't say it at all. Really if she thinks I might misinterpret something why does she even say it?
I kept myself in check, and she revealed nothing to me, except she has no boyfriend I didn't ask, she thought I said something about a boyfriend when I mentioned her ex's. I revealed that I want to return, and that I'm seeing a therapist. I didn't lie, I'm doing well I told her, that I'm doing OK and I'm not at the same time. She said she thinks about me a lot. She said she was happy that I called, and she said she would call me back after some days or weeks had passed, I told her not to promise me that, I told her to call me when she wanted to call me.
She said she's not going to get on a plane and come see me and get back together right now. I told her I don't want that.
I said I wanted her to be in therapy like me, and she said she would like that too, but apparently she doesn't have time.
She said she likes her new job, lovely...
I said she was being unrealistic when she asked if we could visit in japan on spring break, she said she knew that already, and it was no big surprise that I knew it too.
She knows I'm different now, but it's just like her aunt told me, she knows I'm different but she isn't certain about anything, especially the way she feels about me. I think she doesn't want to waste years holding out for me.
She says she doesn't have a boyfriend. I believe her, I think I believe her.
She also said that she doesn't think we should talk anymore, but she got so much more upset than I did. She said I couldn't upset her anymore, and that it was only the wind and cold making her shout at me, but I could hear her voice shake, I didn't want to make her upset and I told her that, we both know each other too well to lie, but maybe she can lie to me, she lies to herself enough. I'm going to try to wait until march for her to call, that's when she mentioned might be a good time because her schedule will change. She says I'm silly, when I say dumb things like, 'pretend I never called, don't call me again'
But she says sillier things that really hurt deep.
She says she wants me to let her go, that's ridiculous, I told her it's possible but I don't see why I have to. I am making progress right now, even with all this extra hurt, and I can make it back to Hungary this year or next, I can make it, I told her that.
She is just floating along, while I am fighting the current. She said I knew that she stopped loving me a long time ago, and it was silly of me to think about all the things I wanted to apologize for. She still talks about three or four years down the road, and says she's not going anywhere, but she's foolish if she believes that, I know that is a dumb way to think about it, she says 'don't think about the future, think about now." I want to think about both, she doesn't want to think about the future.
I can't tell her what I really want, because I don't know what I want her to do. I have wishes that are unrealistic, but I don't know what is practical for her to do. I still don't have closure, and I don't want it, I told her I won't be her friend. I showed her I can get angry at her but she knows that I think all the things I'm angry about don't mean a thing. She even said so, and she's right. She doesn't think she is 100% innocent in our relationship bu we both know that I am mainly responsible for it not working.
She says she thinks I am a special person and it makes her happy that I called, and it makes her smile when she looks at my things. I don't know how to tell her that I want her now, but it can change. She knows it and she wants it to happen. I don't know why because I think that she know she still wants me back. I think she might know that I need to seem unobtainable before her instincts make her desire me again. She's too damn smart for her own good. And so am I.
So I don't know if calling was a mistake, I probably should have written, but I would have written the wrong thing, and I would be just as confused with nothing to go on from her.
She seems to think that passing her medical exams was harder than my finding a job, car and home at the same time. I didn't know what to say, I couldn't say that the exams were easier, and I didn't know how to explain to her that the fact that there were consequences for me failing and none for her. She comprehends but I still think she doesn't fully understand. I only brought it up because I could tell she didn't want to talk anymore and I was grasping at straws. So I guess she continues to string me along, so I'm going to keep trying to have a social life that I'm not particularly interested in and not worry about her, after all she's not going anywhere.
I told her she underestimates me, I also told her she underestimated my sickness. Mostly she underestimates my ability to survive her emotionally. The conversation went bad I guess because I didn't get anything I wanted, I didn't get closure, She just got upset and I got nervous, I'm maintained cool for it though, I didn't cry, I'm just frustrated, and I think she realizes that, but somehow she just thinks that I'm not different enough, or that we can't have a relationship now, because she's too busy, I don't know what the hell she thinks. But she says a lot of stupid things, She says it was hard for her to not call me she said it wasn't as hard for her as it was for me. She said she wanted to a lot. I told her she can now, but I told her not to call unless she really wants to talk.
Therapy yesterday was a waste of time, I got a lot more out of talking to my college counselor later on.
