Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend of 4 years wanted a "break." It's been 5 weeks, what do I do?

Look bro you have no right no say so no last words. No one gives a about how you feel. The girl moved on. Its over! Done! Its now tainted! The good news 1. if you let her go now hopefully you can leave with some dignity and with out a ride to the local jail and 2) is you had a girl at your age (believe it or not some guys never ever experience a girl) that means there will be many more to come. You can't see it because you are blinded by your own selfish needs. Quit thinking about yourself and your broken heart realize you have 70 yrs to go who the hell would want to stay with one person for seventy more yrs my god! We are in america look at the girls out there man! Can you imagine! I cant. And they do get better! You need to find out where the nearest alcoholics anonymous group is and try it out. Wait till you see the girls there older women too!

A girl does not control your emotions man! You control your own friggin emotions. For every 1 girl a man has in his life she probably has 7-10 guysat her disposal. Enjoy the time you have with her. Give it your all every relationship. Never cheat! Never mess with a married woman! And never hit her. Never degrade her. For the next one(and there will always be a next one) will rock your world even more! Stay up on your game! However if you two are just dating keep your girls. Always keep your one girl that's a friend.

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Originally Posted by jasondbel

Of course there is always two sides to the story. Did you leave the toilet seat up? Did you do your and hers laundry on a regular basis? Did you cook? Did you play video games?

If you are asking me if I did my fair share of work in the relationship, then yeah, I did.

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Originally Posted by jasondbel

I can give you countless testimony on girls breaking up with guys after a wedding. Not uncommon. In fact i would say ive heard more break ups after a wedding than any other time. Weddings are like going to a meat market. You should have went when she invited you. She met an older guy and she is with both of yall. That sweet loving beautiful creature would never hurt you. Welcome to life pal. Find you another girl my god! Thats pitiful 24 five weeks you still have 80 yrs to go.

I should have went where when she invited me? To the wedding? I did go to the wedding. She didn't meet anyone there. All the wedding did was make her realize she was sick of having me as a boyfriend.

Its been 2 months now, not five weeks. I'm at a completely different state of mind now then I was at 5 weeks. I'm at the point where I just don't give an F about dealing with her at all. Period. And I haven't. I haven't even tried to talk to her once since last Wednesday. She called me 4 times last night and texted me at like 3AM. I just turned my phone off.

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Originally Posted by jasondbel

look bro you have no right no say so no last words. Noone gives a about how you feel. The girl moved on. Its over! Done! Its now tainted!

No $hit. I've figured this out already. Yeah, I had to hear it from her mouth to let it really sink in, but I got it.

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Originally Posted by jasondbel

The good news 1. if you let her go now hopefully you can leave with some dignity and with out a ride to the local jail

I haven't tried to talk to her for days now. She is the one contacting me, and I've ignored it because I'm done with it. The only time when I couldn't ignore it was when she showed up at my job, unannounced. Plus, I haven't done anything that would get me put into the back of a cop car, not anything close.

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Originally Posted by jasondbel

You need to find out where the nearest alcoholics anonymous group is and try it out. Wait till you see the girls there older women too!

What? I'm not so sure browsing for serious alcoholics is my style.

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Originally Posted by jasondbel

A girl does not control your emotions man! You control your own friggin emotions. For every 1 girl a man has in his life she probably has 7-10 guysat her disposal. Enjoy the time you have with her. Give it your all every relationship. Never cheat! Never mess with a married woman! and never hit her. Never degrade her. For the next one(and there will always be a next one) will rock your world even more! Stay up on your game! However if you two are just dating keep your girls. Always keep your one girl thats a friend.

Thanks for the advice, but I've never cheated, messed with a married woman, or hit a woman, or anything of the sort. Nor do I ever plan on doing so. THAT would put me in the back of a cop car.

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Originally Posted by nothingmore21

i went through the same way, but it was opposite. What ever you do, dont call consisting, don't try to talk to her. but just leave her alone. because if you keep calling her and trying to talk to her, she 'll get frustrated because your not giving her space and she will just turn you down If she comes back, than thats your decision, but if not, than maybe its meant to be. Just hang in there! ;)

I've definitely been doing this as of last Wed. I haven't called her once. I haven't tried to talk to her at all. I've just completely dropped it because I just don't even want to deal with it any longer. There really is no point in doing so because it's just a waste of my time and effort.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Well, after reading that I feel like the biggest idiot in the entire world. But hey. Guess I had it coming, and I asked for it anyways. Just the kind of thing I need to hear to get my @$$ in shape. Live and learn. I definitely will admit she is playing games, and yeah I probably shouldn't have given her the card and gift card, or even bothered to pay for dinner or anything. And I see where I had control for a minute and lost it all over again. I just don't seem to be able to catch it in the moment, but I guess that takes practice. You are either a natural at games, or you gotta learn to play them, and clearly I need to brush up on my game. What's done is done though. Not really much left to do now but forget about her and move on, even though she still continues to call and text me about every day. I just need to change my number.

I don't think you are an idiot. You know your girl, we don't. I don't see her as being the slut others are making her out to be.
This whole unfortunate incident is a 4 year relationship that has ended and nobody wanting to really let go.
All women don't play games. Games are for children, not mature adults, and trying to play games will get you nowhere. The next time she call or texts, tell her not to do so again and then don't answer any more.
I hope you will be able to heal soon and do so without anger.
I wish you well.

A/A u don't have to be an alcoholic to benefit. It could be depression, it could be about god, it could be because a person was bored and wanted some education. Of course with any educational programs there are women. U people are lame. While there check out the girls. Not all girls at AA are drunks. Before you start talking to someone learn some facts.

Why would he go to someone who has problems of their own? That makes no sense. And why would you go after vulnerable women?

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Well, after reading that I feel like the biggest idiot in the entire world.

First of all the biggest idiot in the world would be rosie o' donnell.

Second of all I appreciate it when people, like yourself ask me for advice and all the greenies I've received but do you think I just woke up one day and got "it?" No. You learn by making mistakes and most of the time that means dealing with pain that comes with it. Some people, like myself, are hard headed so you learn time and again before this stuff sinks in. The absolute last thing you should be doing is running yourself down. I may get forceful and start making touchy statements in my posts because if I say the same BS that everybody else says such as "She'll come around" or "You can do better" then you will sit there and keep doing the same stuff over and over. That isn't going to work and it's especially harder when you are leading with your emotions instead of your logic.

To call yourself the biggest idiot only reinforces the negative in this situation. Start seeing the positive. Start learning from what she's doing so that in the future when your emotions are in play you can also use your logic and make decisions that benefit you. Do you think she's learning a thing from her games? Nope. Not one thing. The reality is her game is so transparent that if you had no emotional attachment you'd probably see right through it. She thinks her games are working and she is getting reinforcement that this is the case. She's the one who's going to wind up in worse shape in the futue if you just start looking at how this negative situation benefits you in a positive way.

You are getting first hand lesson in what works and what doesn't. You are getting a first hand lesson on how to get, keep, and lose control. You are getting a first hand lesson (or you should) that when you finally put your foot down in a polite yet firm manner the woman will respond. You are getting a first hand lesson that the emotional stuff you try does NOT work. You are getting a first hand lesson that the more you pull away she comes in, and the more you go in she pulls away. There is so much that not only you can learn, but others reading this can learn from what you are going through. A mistake... several, an idiot... not in the slightest.

Once you start taking some positives from this whole thing, ask yourself this for the biggest positive boast of them all. Do you think she's learning anything from this that will help her in the future? Not a damn thing, brother. If you can take that fact and none of the others you are still coming out ahead of her.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

But hey. Guess I had it coming, and I asked for it anyways. Just the kind of thing I need to hear to get my @$$ in shape. Live and learn.

Exactly, there isn't a manual for this stuff and the only way to learn is live it. As Jiser say, "Get busy living, or get busy dying." The pain is temporary the lessons can be for a lifetime if you take them.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

I definitely will admit she is playing games, and yeah I probably shouldn't have given her the card and gift card, or even bothered to pay for dinner or anything. And I see where I had control for a minute and lost it all over again. I just don't seem to be able to catch it in the moment, but I guess that takes practice.

Well it does take practice but you know what else? Experience. Unfortunately, you have to get hurt before you can learn to deal with it. You are also leading with emotions. You need to lead with logic. I will be the first to admit that is hard as hell, when you are in love and just want the situation to be over. But you saw what happened when you started to pull away. You saw what happened when you put your foot down and stood your ground. She literally started doing anything you wanted, including having sex with you to try and turn it around. Now granted it worked for her. But it was working for you. Give yourself some credit here, you were doing some things correct you just needed the experience to come with it.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

You are either a natural at games, or you gotta learn to play them, and clearly I need to brush up on my game.

But her game sucks. It's quite God awful in fact. You just need to recognize that this is a game to her. There is no need to brush up... just acknowledge it.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

What's done is done though. Not really much left to do now but forget about her and move on, even though she still continues to call and text me about every day. I just need to change my number.

For now leaving her behind is your best option.

If you think you're the biggest idiot then everyone in this world is the biggest idiot. We've all been blinded by love at one point or another, lol. Unless you have no heart, we all make foolish mistakes for love, especially our first love. It's as if someone removes common sense, logic, and self preserverance and replaces it with a one of those music boxes that you wind up. But that's how you learn. It will only make you a better person for your next girl. Take it easy and focus on making yourself happy through your means.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Why would he go to someone who has problems of their own? That makes no sense. And why would you go after vulnerable women?

Exactly.

Have you ever been to an A/A meeting? Do you really think everyone in A/A is vunerable? What is wrong with you people? There are lawyers doctors millionaires in A/A. Its more than just alcohol. Its people coming together for a specific purpose.

Why would one go to people with problems of their own? What the hell is this site lol this place is nothing but problems. This guy wrote a book to strangers about a breakup. At least be in person and get hugs and

I think the point was why would I go to an AA meeting to pick up women. If I had a drinking problem, I'd go. I had a relationship problem. I came here. I may have written a book about it, but for all you know that's all it is. I could have made all of this up. Muhhahaha!

All right, so now we are getting off track here. She's called three times in the past 24 hours, and left me a message saying she would like to make dinner for me Tuesday night, and, depending on what I'd like to do, I could go to her house after work and eat, or she can come out to my place. Hmmmm. I'm not sure what I'll do, but next time she calls I might say I'll consider it. That way if I don't feel like going I don't have to. But if I do go, I'll probably make her drive out to my place. Also, I will have to be 100% sure not to be caught up in any bull$#it games, because whether I like it or not, Chuff is right. She IS being immature and playing games with me. But that's OK, she's 24 and I'm only a year older, so it's to be expected. So, if I do commit, then I'll have to throw any game she uses back at her, but in a calm, assertive way. Plus, I can get some free food! But seriously, I know all she's doing is trying to reel me back in because she feels me pulling away. Hmmm, anyone think I should go?

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

I think the point was why would I go to an AA meeting to pick up women. If I had a drinking problem, I'd go. I had a relationship problem. I came here. I may have written a book about it, but for all you know that's all it is. I could have made all of this up. Muhhahaha!

All right, so now we are getting off track here. She's called three times in the past 24 hours, and left me a message saying she would like to make dinner for me Tuesday night, and, depending on what I'd like to do, I could go to her house after work and eat, or she can come out to my place. Hmmmm. I'm not sure what I'll do, but next time she calls I might say I'll consider it. That way if I don't feel like going I don't have to. But if I do go, I'll probably make her drive out to my place. Also, I will have to be 100% sure not to be caught up in any bull$#it games, because whether I like it or not, Chuff is right. She IS being immature and playing games with me. But that's OK, she's 24 and I'm only a year older, so it's to be expected. So, if I do commit, then I'll have to throw any game she uses back at her, but in a calm, assertive way. Plus, I can get some free food! But seriously, I know all she's doing is trying to reel me back in because she feels me pulling away. Hmmm, anyone think I should go?

Well it depends where are you in the healing process?? Will you feel comfortable being in her presence? Are you ready to possibly reopen those feelings again? What happens if she wants to get intimate? What is this possible date going to do for your relationship with her? Is she sincere? Or is she doing this because she is lonely? There are a lot of questions to be asked, and you need to answer them before you get hurt again... Most importantly don't give her too much control over the situation.. You do realize she only wants you on her terms when she wants to spend time with you, when she is ready to talk to you, she has way too much control... Don't get sooo deperate that you loose focus on WHAT you really WANT and need!

You know her, we don't. Follow your heart. If you think you can talk to her without pain or anger, see her. Who knows this may be a positive thing for you two

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

I think the point was why would I go to an AA meeting to pick up women. If I had a drinking problem, I'd go. I had a relationship problem. I came here. I may have written a book about it, but for all you know that's all it is. I could have made all of this up. Muhhahaha!

God, I hope not, then I would feel like I wasted my time

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

All right, so now we are getting off track here. She's called three times in the past 24 hours, and left me a message saying she would like to make dinner for me Tuesday night, and, depending on what I'd like to do, I could go to her house after work and eat, or she can come out to my place. Hmmmm.

Hmmmm indeed! What’s going on here? I mean what is really going on. She is not truly interested in dinner. She is interested in getting something from you though. Right now, you have it. Right now you are winning the game……no you are winning HER game. She’s on defense, suddenly calling and texting because you have backed off. You didn’t notice it before, but notice it now. You are in control.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

I'm not sure what I'll do, but next time she calls I might say I'll consider it. That way if I don't feel like going I don't have to.

I guess this is up to you, I think you should leave her be because she has not stood by you at all. She has shown her true colors.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

But if I do go, I'll probably make her drive out to my place.

Yes.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Also, I will have to be 100% sure not to be caught up in any bull$#it games, because whether I like it or not, Chuff is right.

That’s a given. I mean that I’m right. Also that you can’t get caught in games. But I’m still right.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Chuff is right.

Sorry, I just wanted to look again.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

She IS being immature and playing games with me. But that's OK, she's 24 and I'm only a year older, so it's to be expected.

There are games to be expected but not at the expense of your emotional well being. That’s not a game, that’s cruelty. Would you treat her like this? Then why do you let her treat you like this. Furthermore, why do you give her excuses to treat you like this. No. Would you treat yourself like this? No. So don’t let her treat you like this.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

So, if I do commit, then I'll have to throw any game she uses back at her, but in a calm, assertive way.

Exactly.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Plus, I can get some free food!

It’s always hard to argue that. I love me some free food.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

But seriously, I know all she's doing is trying to reel me back in because she feels me pulling away. Hmmm, anyone think I should go?

Nope. But if you want you could play the game. Commit to her, then have something come up and cancel. Ask politely if she would like reschedule two nights later. She will either reschedule at which time you can allow her to take you out or cook If she does not want to reschedule very politely say, “oh well I’m sorry you can’t be flexible enough to fit me in your schedule, call me sometime when you have time.” Then end that conversation right there. You have offered her another time, then taken a slight dig at her by pointing out that you are flexible and she is not, and then left the conversation on a high note that she can call you but really telling her you don’t

Hi Freak, the answer here is simple and I feel like we all going around in circles. Unless she is having this dinner to tell you she wants to recommit to you and stop the games, then I don't see why you should even entertain the thought. She is setting up a trap for you and you are falling right into it. Like I have been saying, it is black and white its either she wants to be with you all the way or NOT. Anything in between is plot to string you along emotionaly. She is 24 she is not that young. Its not like you are dealing with a 19year old girl her. By now she should be old enough to know that games are a waist of time. I am 26 and I stopped playing games playing games a very long time ago because I was serious about finding someone special to spend my life with. So I say keep to the original that everyone has been telling you. Just leave her until she is ready to be serious.

This was a 4 year relationship. I think it is hard for both of them. I don't think she is playing a game, I think she just does not know what she wants.
We are basing answers on what we think, or our own past relationships. He is the one who knows her.
You know how much you can deal with. This is like a marriage that is dissolving. The love may still be there, there is history, but it needs to end, so it's hard to let go. It can also be one that somewhere down the road there can be reconciliation.
You may be in for a rollercoaster ride, but at the end of the ride you will know what the deal is and you won't be here asking us what we think.