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"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, `I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.` You must do the thing you think you cannot do"


Eleanor Roosevelt

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You need to find other things to do with your time.
Working out, reading a book, cleaning your room, writing in a journal, tetris, ANYTHING. Do you expect to get better if you keep down this dark road?

Gear, I have been following your thread for a little while now and you really have been given some excellent advice by some very patient posters.

I too lost the love of my life... just like everybody else here on this forum. Everybody else on here was in your Same position at one point or another, and they are all selflessly giving you their advice in the hope that they can help you to reduce your pain. They post on here so they can put to use what they have learnt the hard way by passing on this excellent advice.

It took me four months to implement NC. Four months of agony, many shed tears, and long periods of false hope driven misery. I dropped about 15% of my body weight from the stress of it all.

When I first heard of this NC thing, I too could not comprehend going through with it. I mean... how could I go from speaking to someone everyday, to not speaking to them at all. How could I go from X is in a relationship with Y on Facebook... to not even having Y as one of my 500+ friends.

But then I realised that keeping in contact with her was doing me no favours, and definitely not doing my chances with ever being with her again any favour either. I got to a point where I was just consistently getting hurt so much by her that I knew that I had to cut all contact with her.

I realised that it was not her hurting me... it was me letting myself get hurt by her, by letting myself stay in touch with her and my brain processing her actions into some sort of false hope that I could cling in to. She wasn't really doing anything wrong... of course she wanted to stay friends, that way she could have the best of both worlds. She still had me to rely on as a friend, and she could go out and meet new guys and play the field.

You say she wouldn't sleep with anyone else so soon... well guess what, I would have said the same, but within 6 weeks she had slept with two guys... and one of them was even staying at her house most nights.

You say she said she sees herself marrying you. Yep, been there too. Even had discussed kids and had a few favourable baby names. It all doesn't mean anything anymore.

I admire your persistence... but you need to realise you are doing more harm than good. If she wants to come back, it will be a decision she makes in time on her own accord... there is nothing you can say or do to magically make her change her mind.

Use this time as an opportunity to do your own discovery. She is your first love... my ex was my first love too. If she is your first love, how can you be sure that there is no one better? This is an opportunity for you both to find out whether you are right for each other... maybe you are, maybe you are not. But there is a lot of living for you both to do before you will ever have that answer.

In time, it will suddenly dawn upon you that NC is the way to go to stop your pain. You will realise that you have to let go. Its up to you to decide how much longer you want your pain to go on...

You got 241 people to answer your question. WOW!

You are going to do what you want aren't you?

I hope you take a little from everyone but c'mon 241 people.

You got everybody all fired up here and now you have to let us know what happens in your love life forever! :p

Hey Gearhe4d,

Haven't heard from you for a while?

How are you doing?

The calm before the storm... just wait for it

NNG... Oh ye of little faith... maybe all 243 posts telling him to go NC and drop her like a bad habit have finally sunk in. Or maybe he thinks we are all wrong and is in Portland right now finding out how right we really are.

Maybe he is taking some time to reflect. Hopefully he will comeback with either good news or the realization that our advice was right and that he should move on. We can only hope and pray it's the later and he is strong enough to do this. :)

Hey JMW0713,

Yep I was thinking the same, maybe he is taking some time out and reading all the great advice given and working things out for him for the better.

Lets hope that is the case-- fingers and toes crossed!

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Originally Posted by jmw0713

NNG...Oh ye of little faith...maybe all 243 posts telling him to go NC and drop her like a bad habit have finally sunk in. Or maybe he thinks we are all wrong and is in Portland right now finding out how right we really are

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I'd really hope he is doing the right thing... never seen resistance like this though. Sometimes we just have to experience the hurt before we start to take this advice seriously. He'll figure it out eventually, we all do, just hopefully sooner than later. Portland could be good for him... you know, shock him back into coherence.

Hope you're doing good gear, we're all pulling for you!

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, been trying to just stop thinking about it all because weeks are going by and I'm not improving really, so for the last few days I've been trying to do other things. I've been seriously considering moving up to Portland with those friends we're planning on visiting, they keep asking me to and it keeps sounding better. I can't stop myself from talking to her for some reason, and she just keeps telling me about her new friends and the stuff she's doing with them. I don't have it in me to tell her to stop or to ignore her, so I just keep listening and trying to be friendly. I really need to move away I think.

Hey gearhe4d I know totally what your going through I did the same thing as you, and now my ex has found a guy. I have been doing NC for a while now and yes it does hurt me a lot, I check the phone often to see if she has called check my email and everything. But I do know it will get better over time, you really need to do this for yourself because man it is so tuff when you know there with a guy. Because then all you do is think on what there doing, like being intimate . End it now when its not to bad yet.

Hey Gearhe4d!

Good your alive! Wondered what happened to you!

I agree with DJ28 totally, but at the end it will be your choice and decision- if you do go to Portland and want to see this thru- just remember you may end up seeing things you wished you didn't and so please keep that in mind as the world is not necessarily full of roses.

While a vacation is nice and a change of scenery is great, it doesn't solve problems, it just puts them on hold.

Gear,

I think a move would be a great thing for you. Change of scenery, living with friends, away from her (not easy to get together). A few years ago one of my best friends went through a hard breakup and took an offer to live with his brother across the country. Was by far the best thing he ever did. Got away from a bad situaion and was able to heal on his own. Also met new people, made new friends, and met someone else... I really think you should take your friends up on that offer.

I would take them up on their offer. Nothing helps more to keep your mind off things than NC and a change of scenery, pace, and meeting new people.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

While a vacation is nice and a change of scenery is great, it doesn't solve problems, it just puts them on hold.

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Then how do I "solve" this?

You should really think about moving away. I don't see it as running away from your problems because there's not much to face. A change like this would mean new friends, new scenery, new life. Think about it. I did something similar a few years ago, she wasn't the only reason I moved, however, I did get over her much quicker than I would've at home.

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, been trying to just stop thinking about it all because weeks are going by and I'm not improving really, so for the last few days I've been trying to do other things. I've been seriously considering moving up to Portland with those friends we're planning on visiting, they keep asking me to and it keeps sounding better. I can't stop myself from talking to her for some reason, and she just keeps telling me about her new friends and the stuff she's doing with them. I don't have it in me to tell her to stop or to ignore her, so I just keep listening and trying to be friendly. I really need to move away I think.

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The way you are going about things, the only difference moving away will make is that you will be miserable in a different city. Don't get me wrong, a change of scenery may you do you good but not if you end up spending your time chatting with her or talking on the phone with her.

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

Then how do I "solve" this?

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You stop contact with her, and focus on what you want to do with yourself without her. This solution calls for some thoughtful planning. Time does the rest. A vacation is great, but not with her. Essentially you disappear from her life.

Hey Gearhe4d,
Maybe you do need a change in your life etc.

First thou- you need to deal with things that is banging you right in your face- the ex. Deal with this first- as then you will have one less thing to think about!

Then you may want to chill out and gather your thoughts on how you would like to change your life, whether it is a change of place, jobs etc...

This would be a much better way forward as your are essentially dealing with the ex first and then looking forward to new things that you can do for you-- to make your life better for you without the ex coming in and ruining it for you!

She did manage to tell me a slightly different story the other day about her reasons for our "break" (yes, she's still calling it that, and saying "the day will come when we are back together") and it was that she felt guilty about one of her guy friends at school starting to like her, so she says she made a choice, and that she felt she wasn't old enough and that I also wasn't old enough to be in a committed relationship yet.

I don't really know how to feel about that, but I just tried to tell her "Okay, I understand."

Don't worry though, it's not making me feel any worse or anything and I'm not complaining about it, I just find it strange I guess.

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

She did manage to tell me a slightly different story the other day about her reasons for our "break" (yes, she's still calling it that, and saying "the day will come when we are back together") and it was that she felt guilty about one of her guy friends at school starting to like her, so she says she made a choice, and that she felt she wasn't old enough and that I also wasn't old enough to be in a commited relationship yet.

I don't really know how to feel about that, but I just tried to tell her "Okay, I understand."

Don't worry though, it's not making me feel any worse or anything and I'm not complaining about it, I just find it strange I guess.

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So you would be fine iif she started dating this guy, and having a intimate relationship with him?

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Originally Posted by DJ28

so you would be fine iif she started dating this guy, and having a intimate relationship with him?

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Noooooo, no way in hell would I be fine with that.

But I can't make her love me, and considering that it took us over a year to actually have sex, because we wanted to both be ready and make sure we were in love when it happened, I highly doubt she will just screw this other guy. She's got a strong will, and I think she's more interested in a change of pace right now, and to just see what's out there right now, other than me.

It does hurt, a hell of a lot, just the thought of her being in some other guy's car, and knowing what he's no doubt thought of already with her, I just have to trust her I guess. If she ends up being intimate with him (God forbid) I would probably lose my mind even more somehow, but.. there isn't anything I can do about it I guess.

It's just hard to figure it all out. I can't get my head around what she's thinking, and what her motives are, I just keep finding myself asking "why?" It really just dosen't make sense.

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

Noooooo, no way in hell would I be fine with that.

But I can't make her love me, and considering that it took us over a year to actualy have sex, because we wanted to both be ready and make sure we were in love when it happened, I highly doubt she will just screw this other guy. She's got a strong will, and I think she's more interested in a change of pace right now, and to just see what's out there right now, other than me.

It does hurt, a hell of a lot, just the thought of her being in some other guy's car, and knowing what he's no doubt thought of already with her, I just have to trust her I guess. If she ends up being intimate with him (God forbid) I would probably lose my mind even more somehow, but.. there isn't anything I can do about it I guess.

It's just hard to figure it all out. I can't get my head around what she's thinking, and what her motives are, I just keep finding myself asking "why?" It really just dosen't make sense.

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Look man I'm going through the same thing right now but she is dating this guy now, I kept on saying and thinking everything your doing. Just end it because you are just setting yourself up to get hurt trust me. Here is my situation https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ht-296494.html

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

I just have to trust her I guess

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See I have a little issue with that I guess, yeah you can trust her but what you have to realize is that you guys arnt together and she can do what she wants. If she wants to see a guy she can. It really is not about trust here.

That's true. I guess I really can't do anything. Knowing my luck, she probably will just start dating another guy and she'll probably start sleeping with him and stuff.

Look do yourself a favor and go NC the sooner you do it the sooner you will be better and dating a better girl. That is deeply in love with you. Just do it now man and save yourself from major heartache.

That's the thing, I really thought that she was in love with me, everything she did, until about a month before our break made it all seem so real, and I really felt like it wasn't going to change.

I don't want to go through this again if I ever manage to find another girl even half as special as her, I'd just rather not date, and I'm really not one of those guys who feels like they need some girl who they can and call a "girlfriend" for awhile. I really want that love back that we used to have, if I can't have it, I just.. am done, at least for a VERY long time.

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

That's the thing, I really thought that she was in love with me, everything she did, until about a month before our break made it all seem so real, and I really felt like it wasn't going to change.

I don't want to go through this again if I ever manage to find another girl even half as special as her, I'd just rather not date, and I'm really not one of those guys who feels like they need some girl who they can and call a "girlfriend" for awhile. I really want that love back that we used to have, if I can't have it, I just.. am done, at least for a VERY long time.

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Well really you do need to be done for a while and heal. Its going to take a long time. But look like I said the sooner you do it the sooner you will be healed. Because seriously eventually she will find someone and then you will be where I am, and it sucks so much, all I do is keep thinking about what she is doing with this guy. Its so hard man. Really go NC and save yourself from even more pain then you are right now.

I just don't have it in me. Sorry.

Hey man you don't have to be sorry but just be ready for some major heartache. Because she really isn't thinking about your interests she thinking about hers. And if she wants to have a new guy she will without thinking about you, and weather it will hurt you or not.

Yeah, I'm starting to really see that she isn't too worried about how I feel. Just the way she talks to me now is so much more cold, lots of one word answers (Oh. - Yeah. - Heh.) and things like that. She used to be a lot more interested in what I had to say.

So why are you doing this to yourself really? Don't you want someone that will love you the same? And hey I'm just telling you this and trying to make you understand so you don't have to go through knowing your ex is with someone. If you end it now you don't have to worry, you won't even know and then months will go by and it won't matter anymore.

Like I'm wondering are you waiting for her to date someone before you do something? If so why do you want to go through that?

If I tell her I don't want to be around her or talk to her or anything anymore, I just feel like she'll never ever come back. If I stay as a friend, and keep trying to at least be soemoen who will listen to her and offer advice to her, and be a fun guy to talk to, there might be a time where it hits her, and she wants me back. This probably sounds crazy.. I just don't want to miss a single chance.

Again really you can do what you want but your just setting yourself up for some crazy heartache. Your letting your feelings cloud yourself. Because on my side I went through the same stuff and am dealing with her being with someone now. I went NC have been for 9 days I think now trye calling her today she didn't answer and I'm glad I won't call her back again. Yes it hurts a lot knowing there might be a chance you won't talk to her again, but really why would you want to put yourself through it, and knowing she doesn't care about you the same. Don't you want someone that will have the same feelings for you?

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Originally Posted by Gearhe4d

If I tell her I don't want to be around her or talk to her or anything anymore, I just feel like she'll never ever come back. If I stay as a friend, and keep trying to at least be soemoen who will listen to her and offer advice to her, and be a fun guy to talk to, there might be a time where it hits her, and she wants me back. This probably sounds crazy.. I just don't want to miss a single chance.

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I am almost to the point of losing total hope with you. You want to get hurt don't you? You like the pain huh? How many stupid e-books have you bought? How many times have you googled "Getting my ex back?" Wake up... it is almost pointless at how many people have tried to protect you on here and their words have fallen on def ears...

Carry on... :cool:

If he wants to continue running into a brick wall head first, I'm going to let him. He has 28 pages, 276 replies of people telling him GREAT advice and yet he completely ignores it or will follow only bits and pieces of it

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

If he wants to continue running into a brick wall head first, I'm going to let him. He has 28 pages, 276 replies of people telling him GREAT advice and yet he completely ignores it or will follow only bits and pieces of it

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I feel like I am watching a bad horror movie... in 3D. Like, I know what's going to happen, and I keep screaming at the movie screen, all along it does no good.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I feel like I am watching a bad horror movie...in 3D. Like, I know what's going to happen, and I keep screaming at the movie screen, all along it does not good.

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Hahah I was kind of thinking the same thing, he is totally just setting himself up for disaster.

Gearhead -

It's totally understandable that you want to keep her in your life. I remember sitting down closer to my breakup and saying to myself that I'd rather have her around in my life despite her never getting back with me than have an equal chance of winning her back or losing her forever in any context. It's understandable - she was very important to you (as you were to her) and those feelings haven't subsided.

The problem is that you are approaching the effort to be friends from the wrong angle. You only seem to be doing it in hopes that a chance will open up for the two of you to get together. Maybe it will - but it is FAR, FAR more likely that it won't and you'll only be hurt.

One of the smartest things I did during my breakup was immediately tell myself repeatedly that it was over forever - and after the one last ditch effort a few days after I came to accept that as best I could. I also did (and have) always been telling myself that if she wasn't already involved with another guy, she would be very soon (she isn't yet officially, but who knows about anything else - so I assume yes). Not to make her out to be an evil person, but to fight off the temptation to place her life on hold in my mind as I hatched out some hair-brained plan, only to get very hurt later.

We never did NC - but certainly it was very low contact. There was no regularity of calling or any such thing. I kept trying to put more time between contact, or alternating who made contact, and keeping things brief and friendly. I don't think we'll ever be close friends like we were, but we are friendly exes. We ran into each other a few days ago and had a good quick chat, and she got in touch with me a few weeks prior, and before that it had been at least a month.

Some people here will tell you that she's just staying in contact to manipulate you or whatnot. That may be true. However, for the majority of girls, they do it because they still care for you and your friendship. BUT - they're not "in love" with you anymore. I know that it's hard to understand why this happens, but once it's gone it doesn't come back. Enough time has gone by now that it's clear this wasn't a momentary lapse of judgment. If you are going to continue any form of contact, you have to scale it back and set boundaries. She can find you if she wants you back, as unlikely as that will be. What you have to do is take a step back and start re-orienting yourself to the rest of the world.

Time does heal. I still feel for my ex sometimes, but realize that it's mostly for an idealized version and done mostly out of loneliness and fear. When I was going on a few dates with another girl (went nowhere, I don't think her head's in the right place for a relationship) I hardly ever thought about my ex. Often, we realize that we miss the circumstances more than what the actual person brought to them. Once you take a bit more time for yourself you'll realize this.

Heed the advice - as much as it pains you - heed it. Those e-books and such look like gimmicks don't they - they are. What reason would the people here have to fool you. I thought my relationship was so unique too when I came here. While I would say that my ex has behaved better and been more genuine than most, the general circumstances were no different.