I am doing better settling in phase 1 - Acceptance. I still feel him up on his pedestal, but I will take him down in time. My effort in fatality of trying to understand is ending. I am bigger than this. I have had my days of self-pity and they may come again, but I feel stronger. I definitely feel some pity, I know I am emotionally more strong than he will ever be. Although I envy his ability to walk away without any outward emotions or sleepless nights. I am better than that because my heart is fully functional.

May I suggest some retail therapy? I think you do something good for yourself. Why not? You have given others all you can, but don't forget about you, now.

Do I have to insist, or will you do this on your own?

Actually with the separation of property, there are plenty of purchases to be made. :) Since I have always had ample clothes, although I could use new shoes, I have never been the shopping type.

But I DO LOVE shopping for kitchen and cooking things and just last weekend purchased a gorgeous new pots and pans set and a pressure cooker. :D

I will be doing a lot of shopping between now and when I am officially back on my own. I am excited and it has been a motivating thought this morning.

Oh Gosh, I should have known you already had that covered. Be careful though as my wife gets very depressed after she has shopped till she drops, and has to wait for more money to do it again. Where do you hide the chocolate? That's what she uses to get through until the next sale.

Well considering (Thank goodness!) I am not a chocolate fan, except certain twelve round times a year, I am safe.

I am already at the waiting for more money, damn... I knew I should pace myself. :)

So my dilemma now is, every other weekend, the weekends I do not have the kids, I deal poker. It's always been extra cash income and I would love to continue to deal, but he plays and he is at almost every event. We have mutual friends there and I would be able to entertain myself away from him and I would be working, but I am wondering now if I have to give it up? Things have been civil, but I know that even though I am making progress two weeks may be too soon to face him, and it would be horrible to fall into old habits there.

Suggestions? It's about $300/m for working two days. Asking him not to attend may be an option and he may avoid going there as he knows I work.

When do you have to decide about the poker? Maybe wait a couple of days and see how you feel? It's a job,him maybe attending the events shouldn't have to stop you from doing something you enjoy.. . (I love playing poker,btw-great game.)
And I'm with on the chocs!

The next game I will be dealing is either the Friday or Saturday of next week. So I have a little time.

Me,I'd go for it and not let anyone come between me and my job/entertainment.

I may try, I love the extra income, if I find it difficult to be there, than rethink my strategy.

What is not to love about poker anyway? ;) Sorry I am a gambler at heart.

Yes me too!:-) sadly poker events are few and far between in my little town.
Take care Justy!

OMG, I am learning so much about my favorite cyber friends, shocking, just shocking!!

Seriously though Justy, I think you know better than trying to live in fear of what ifs. That's the thing about break ups that's so destructive, that our instinct is to run, and hide, until we feel stronger, but truth be told, we change the things we really need to do, because we are afraid to feel, and deal, with our own hurt, and pain.

Only you know how much you can handle, and what's important to you. But don't make a decision based on fear, but instead look at the facts, and give it thought.

You know the drill, if you see him, short, brief, polite, and keep doing what you were doing. To busy to chit chat about any BS!!

Sorry late getting here and really sorry to hear your going through a hard time right now :(

Can't really add too much as the others have already covered it Justy.

But I still feel ( and I'm pretty sure I mentioned it here months ago ) that this was inevitable and it's probably good it finally happened and you can now get on with coming to terms with it.

Either way just want to let you know that I'm here like all the others for you :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I may try, I love the extra income, if I find it difficult to be there, than rethink my strategy.

What is not to love about poker anyway? ;) Sorry I am a gambler at heart.

---

Do what makes you feel good and helps you deal (sorry for the pun :) ).

About all I can say is once the emotional dust storm blows over and you are able to be a bit more objective about the relationship I think you will find that the 'wall' never came down. He just put in a window to make you think it did. I think you will also find that the landscape was studded with red flags even before the 'mistake'.

As someone who is married to an incorrigible flirt, I know flirting is a major part of his personality that I don't ever want to change. It actually makes me a little upset that your ex tried to change that part of you or use it against you (I think he probably was actively looking for a smoking gun to blow up over long before you crossed any lines.)

I think I will also take this time to thank you for being part of the reason that Cats felt comfortable coming here and getting me involved, too. You and your children are very much in our thoughts (and have been). I'll be here for you along with everyone else. :)

Thanks for your words, Cat. I have always loved flirting, but there is a very heavy line in the sand and I have crossed it once when I was younger. I know there isn't anything more devastating and hurtful that you can do to another person, than cheat on them. It's an insult that cuts to my morals that I have stood firmly on for a very long time now.

In fact, I find flirting here provides even that extra layer of security, as it just isn't feasible. I have often flirted in front of him and I find it entertaining to twist common comments into enuendo.

This place is like a family to me, something that I enjoy and camaraderie that entertains me. I feel freer today and I know that I could have never gotten what I wanted from him. He was looking/digging/searching for something to hold against me, anything. That is why when he tells me what he read, his version is twisted from what was really said.

Today I am a bit more sad than I was yesterday, but I am trying, it's hard when the only thing you really want is that comfort especially after it has been your solace for years.

Some of that famous emotional dust of Tal's starting to settle I think. You can breathe now that you can allow yourself to be you again.
His manipulative ways of controlling you are in the past.

Justy you go deal that poker game and you look him right in the eye with your head held high. You flirt like a wild woman and wear some sexy low cut top. Your in charge of your feelings now not him. You will feel good about it and good about it not bringing you down. Don't let him continue to control your feelings. Do it because the money is there and you love doing it. I would keep that head high and if anything he will be uncomfortable and leave.

I will flirt with you and even pinch you if we ever meet, but that's all you're going to get. (Besides hugs from Cat and me both, of course)

It's the little things that hurt the most. Every night we would come home, cook dinner together, eat dinner together, and clean up the kitchen TOGETHER, before going downstairs, discussing our day over a cigarette before we would sit down to watch TV.

Tonight I came home, the arrangement was supposed to be my mother cooked, but I came home to cook dinner by myself, with my younger brother and his friend joining after half the dishes were done... I was told that now the dishes would be done at night when they are typically done during the day by my father. I cooked ALONE while the orders piled (breakfast for dinner night) and the dinner was gone before I would have a chance to eat. I did dishes and dried dishes alone and cried at how miserable I am without my partner.

Now I am out smoking in my car (as the smell of me smoking in the basement has taken over the house) hurt that this is my lot for now. Something I had loved and appreciated everyday removed from my life. Wondering why it's the littlest things that mean the most when you lose them. The things you don't remember to acknowledge about your partner that you love and will greatly miss.

I want to send this to him, but know it's just another effort in fatality that I can do without. What happened to my strength, when I am looking at my weakness, so minor and so important to me.

This is a weak moment Justy, only that.

It's natural to remember what was, you were together for 8 years, you became accustomed to having him around, to doing things together.

It's like trying to quit a bad habit. You'll be fine until you do something that reminds you of that habit, then all of a sudden it's back in your mind and you miss it.

The way to get around it is to change your routine, find a different way to do things, find joy in that.

When you get the kids again, make it a big deal, make dinner together, everyone doing their part. Talk about your day, what they did while they were gone, what you did, the things you bought, and enjoy each other.

After dinner and dishes (they can help) pick out a movie you all love and sit together to watch it. Make popcorn, curl up with a blanket, have fun.

You can make a good memory out of the sad one, you really can.

When my dad died and my mom was fighting for her life, I never thought I'd be able to go to the place we used to go to as a family. Too many memories, all of them good, but to go knowing that I'd never go with them again, I couldn't.

Bad thing, every place I went to had a memory attached to it. I couldn't even go to the grocery store without crying my eyes out.

So I took Jared with me. I saw things through his eyes. All of his experiences were new and they became my new memories. Now that time has gone by I can face the old memories and smile. I will never regret the time I had with them, even though it hurt so bad to lose them.

This is like a death Justy and you have to grieve, but don't forget to live too.

The path you are taking is extremely hard and painful, but there is light in the end of the tunnel, remember that.

What you do need to do is to break the cycle of sadness by trying. You need to get out there, encourage yourself to feel happy and to interact with people. Like Nike's ad: "just do it", should be your motto now.

Sleep like a baby oh sweet child. Hang in there a while. Candy drops from the sky. Try to forget the memories. Tea late at night and squeeze the pillow tight. Comb your hair in the morning and take 10 minutes to cry. Get up and do something good for you. Sure, you had a good hand with this guy, a three of a kind. But you'll be straight because your royal flush is coming. He'd be left alone with his pair. (pun intended)
You will be fine. Every thought and sadness is a part of the process so this is only normal. I know you feel out of place right now and things are not the same but you will adapt. You will cope and you will be stronger. Just please don't ever feel alone and believe it or not I can feel your pain because I really know what it's like to miss someone. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you! The slow soothing waves at the beach as seagulls sing their tunes, lay yourself to sleep and release all your wounds. As always, sweet dreams Justy!

I would like to say that things are going well on the homefront, unfortunately that is not quite the case.

I am doing all the wrong things that I know better than to do. I am overcome most days by grief and mourning the last six years has been an energy drain.

This week is a new week and I have to face things that I really just want to bury my head in the sand about. Everything right now is a reminder and I have to stick to NC, which is terribly hard to do when you lose your best friend and when your new environment is beyond normal stress.

I haven't had sweet dreams in the last week and a half, in fact, if I sleep at all, it is a miracle. I know I have the strength, and I know I should have the desire, but why don't I? I could list for pages all the reasons this is for the best but it is always countered by a list that is equally as contradicting to me.

How can you love someone so completely who doesn't share the same love for you?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

How can you love someone so completely who doesn't share the same love for you?

---

I think I have heard this quote somewhere, "for one that does not love, is not human"

You love a person for what you think/thought they were, for the good times you had with them and for the experiences you share with them. Love should be healthy, from the looks of what you said, barely getting any sleep is the least thing from that.

Perhaps its time to get away for a while and re-analyze your feelings?

If Iknew why we sometimes love unwisely, I'd tell you. You were with him for a long time and the healing process will take a while,that's what we have to deal with.
And you are dealing with it.
You will get through this.
We're here to support you.

Justy, you are a loving, caring, feeling human being. Just because you are a Relationship Expert does not mean that you have a 'get out of grief free' card. You may know all of the phrases and the phases and the 'do and don'ts', but knowing is not the same as feeling. If anything it makes it harder because you expect yourself to not do the things that you warn others to avoid. Don't be too hard on yourself. Those negative thoughts will only help the downward spiral go faster.

Look at what you have done that is positive. You got out of an unequal partnership. You stood up for yourself and your children. You made an extremely difficult decision and stuck by it. You are a great mother. You are a wonderful person who has a lot of insight into other people. You help a lot of people who are here to give you that support now that you need it.

You have the added problem of being in an interim situation where you are in a kind of limbo until you can get yourself and your children back into your own home and making all of your own decisions.

All of this is so new. You have to give yourself time.

Positive thoughts and good luck. :)

What happens when you can't get past your desire to repair the relationship? Is there a way to get a man to change when you know that he loves you? Is there a way to remind him of that love?

I know all of the reasons that our relationship was a failure. I know the things that need to change, maybe some of the changes are not possible. I can't push all of the blame of our failures on my partner, although I know that his issues were our pink elephant. I overlooked his efforts and never encouraged them appropriately. I think that the time apart is beneficial, but what if you still knowing all of the reasons for failure, want to repair the damage. Is it possible? Is it yet another effort in fatality for me? Am I just that hard headed? Have I lost my mind?

My daughter asked last night why 'he' didn't want to live with us anymore, it broke my heart... I am still sticking this out on my own, I know that I deserve everything I desire from a relationship. I know that if he can't give me these things our relationship will always be a failure, but is it wrong to hope that you mean enough to someone that with time the changes can happen?

I can list all of the negative, but he is full of positive attributes as well...

Quote:

---

What happens when you can't get past your desire to repair the relationship? Is there a way to get a man to change when you know that he loves you? Is there a way to remind him of that love?

---

The best advice I ever got, shorty before I got married, was this;

A woman marries a man hoping she can change him and a man marries a woman hoping she will never change. If you go into a relationship with either of these wishes, you're doomed for failure.

Quote:

---

I know that if he can't give me these things our relationship will always be a failure, but is it wrong to hope that you mean enough to someone that with time the changes can happen?

---

How much more time are you willing to give Justy? Your lifetime? His? You've given him 6 years to commit and he hasn't. How much more of your life are you willing to give?

No, he won't change. I can promise you that. He may miss you, he may want you back, he may promise to try harder, but he won't change. Ever!

So the question becomes this. Do you want to spend your life with someone that will only ever give you 50% or do you think you deserve someone that will give you 100%?

I personally think you deserve someone that will love you as much as you love him. But then, I'm on the outside looking in.

You're still at the beginning stages of this. Give yourself time and cut yourself some slack. You're allowed to grieve. You're allowed to question your decision. Just know that I'll be here to slap you back into reality. ;)

Hugs sweetie.

I don't think that hope dies out so easily.

In terms of hope, we have no idea what will happen in the future, so there's always a chance that he will change his mind and want to repair the relationship, so that's why hope can always exist. I also think that hope can be a positive attribute, because it helps us keep our head up in some cases.

However, what's the reality? At the moment, he doesn't want the same thing as you. So right now, you do your best to accept the current situation and make the best life for yourself. But again, who knows what will happen in the future?

With time and as you are recovering from a break up, you're rebuilding a stronger life for yourself, so by association the hope can start to fade away.

Keep your head up Justy, there are better days ahead.

People are going to want to change,we can never change another person.
And possibly the things about him you would most of all see changing are the things he doesn't want to change?

You tried so hard for so long, sometimes we just have to give up and walk away or not be true to who we are and what our needs are.

Sad as it is, I think you made the right decision.
Hugs.

You did the right thing, Justy. You know it. We know it. By now He's maybe got a clue.

He has to make the changes himself. Give him the time he needs. Maybe, and it's only a maybe, the changes will be the ones you need made.

While he changes, you need to find yourself again. Get yourself set up, get the kids taken care of, get your feet back under you.

Any of this sound familiar?

XOXOXOXOXOX

Sometimes,when a relationship ends,especially a relationship as deep and long as yours,it feels like a part of you has stopped with that relationship,stopped and died altogether.You feel you can never get back on your two feet again,cant ever feel happy again,cant even get close to thinking that you can ever love or trust anybody in life.

In short,life feels like its over.

Allow yourself to feel all this.To question your decision.To play and replay all the memories of you two together over and over again till you are drained and exhausted from all the thinking.Allow yourself to cry and reflect,wallow in self-pity and grief,talk your heart out till you don't want to talk about him anymore.

Tire yourself crazy.That, in time, will act as the only reason for you to WANT to start your recovery process because you don't want to be unhappy anymore.You don't want to hate yourself and the world anymore.You don't want to keep thinking of those memories anymore.You don't want to keep thinking anymore,that by leaving someone who couldn't love you the way you deserved,you made a wrong decision.You don't want to keep doubting every step you take and every decision you make anymore.You don't want to believe that the world and your life has ended,anymore because it's a fact Justwant,that we continue living till the day we actually die.And human beings are tuned to WANT to live happily,by loving and being loved by others.

So,no matter what we say,your heart will behave just the way it is behaving now--going through a helluva lot of pain.You have to take care of it and tell it that you did what was best for it.That you saved it from more pain in the long run.

No one can guarantee love and some of us might end up without it too,who knows.But at least we can make lives easier for ourselves by saving ourselves additional pain and heart-ache,isn't it?I think you did just that and its not wrong to have taken that step for yourself.

I am still so confused and I still feel so hopeful. Why is the break up so hard to face? I feel the independence and I feel like I am getting back on my feet with my head together, but I still feel overwhelmed.

I did go to poker on Friday, I did my best to keep my distance, but he came around me. Encouraging my game and behaving like not much had changed. There were jokes and it was comfortable. The chemistry was still very apparent.

From there the weekend became a whole mash of contact, most of which I don't regret. We discussed the things that were difficult to discuss and how we were feeling about some of those situations now. I kept the conversations light and upbeat and we made plans for him and my youngest to get together next weekend, as she has been very upset by the changes.

I know I have to give myself some time, you don't walk away from six years in a matter of two weeks. Overall, his demeanor was different, we talked in ways that we haven't been able to talk in a while. The conversations were honest and I think they were well received by both sides. I know there is a huge part of me that just wants me to get everything I want in a relationship from him. Although this goes against the NC philosophy, I haven't changed what I wanted and I am still thinking of me and the kids first. Although I am hopeful that he will work and appreciate what we have always offered, I can't settle to go back for less than everything I want to move the relationship forward. Still working out the plan of moving on without him in my life as a partner, but I still appreciate who he has always been as a friend.

Thoughts? Is my head on straight or am I just pretending it is?

I don't know,is this a case of false hope?
I would ask myself why those discussions didn't happen whilst you were still together?
I would keep on moving on.
<hugs>

You are talking to the person you loved for so long and that will never help you move on. Its been 3 months for me and if I spoke to my ex I'd be back to square one again. You seem to want him back despite your words. If the decision was made, you have to try harder to move on. NC comes to mind. Be strong for your sanity. You will prolong the heartache and damage if not.

I don't know who told you it was a good idea to go to that poker game knowing he'd be around. Not good advice as it was way too soon for that and sacrifices need to be made for now. Not a good idea to see the ex. Okay? Third parties must come into play for now with the exchange of children and returning of any pending items.

You are right, my hope is still to repair the relationship. I am not trying hard to move on, I am trying hard to see if a 'break' does us good, while refocusing on things that I didn't give the relationship.

I can honestly say that if our relationship doesn't work out, it's not because either one of us are bad people, or even that we were bad together. We just wanted different things and we had a break down of communication. If we can repair that break down, if we can determine whether we really wanted different things or if it was doubt that made our situation what it was.

I am taking a lot of grief for still being hopeful. Maybe NC isn't the only answer after six years. I can still see our foundation and I know that neither of us has stopped loving the other.

What's his take on this?
I do think you need to give yourself some time to get the recent discussions in some kind of perspective.

This is currently all about me. I am not giving to the relationship, although I still enjoy his company. I have backed off all conversations about the future, something I haven't done in nearly three years.

I need time to sort my head out but I am not sure that includes keeping him out of my life nor do I really believe that what would benefit us right now is NC. Right now it's about quality contact to me.

In the meantime, I am focused on moving on without him in my life and worrying about the transition with the children. I spend everyday worried about keeping myself on track, but I can honestly say that I still see him in my future.

Then take one day at the time and see how it goes,so
Long as you can handle it. You are the best judge of your own choices.

Of course you still see him in your future hun. You two just broke up. You are hanging on total false help. If it would have worked then it just would have worked. History tends to repeat itself as I know it best. It seems like if you could, you would be with him right now so it's like he doesn't want you. If he really did, he'd do anything to be with you but doesn't. This is why I say you have to try to forget. G years is a while together but not too long. My aunt and uncle were together 18 years and got divorced 6 months ago. He suffered but is pulling through. There is no quick fix remedy although I wish there were. You must go through the pain to experience your next wonderful joy that will be everything you want.