Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend is a teacher and confused about relationship

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

In my experience when a female is not yet ready to cut ties with mom and seek her own path, there is nothing you can do. I have seen many mothers smile sweetly and are engaging and charming while they work against undo contact or influence of the guys that date their child.

You may think such an attitude is wrong, but I doubt you will change anything. There may be a million scenario to speculate on. What good would it do but make you defensive? This could be as simple as YOU having an unstable or uncertain future to risk HER future on getting too attached. Who knows.

It is what it is! Possibilities are ENDLESS, and for sure it's not working NOW! That's the bottom line, and the reality you must deal with.

You raise some good points and the conversation was very friendly she said "she does not mind me texting her but just for the moment let the girlfriend grow" she is very concerned with her daughter's mental state and emotional well being! When I visted the girlfriend I was invited by her to go to her grans birthday party but I declined as I thought it was too much too soon the mother thought I did the right thing ! The call was unexpected as the girlfriend told her not to call me but she did. No the mother always used to ask my girlfriend how I'm doing.

I wish I said to the mother on the phone that if your did not want you to get involved then she is 21 and an adult and should abide by her daughter's wishes and that it's down to her daughter who she dates and no one else's

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

If it makes you feel better to say this woman and her mother are flakes, so be it but leave her alone. If you continue to want to hang on, the problem could be you.

I have never herd of that before and I said to the Mother that I will leave it until her daughter is a lot better mentally and emotionally so it's down to her

Generally, I've learned in my nearly fifty years that it takes a long time to get to know someone. A person can check all the boxes of what you think you want, and have great chemistry and still be totally wrong for you. All you can do is take your time. Don't think beyond the next date if you tend to get too attached too soon. If you do , you will be in love with your fantasy instead of the actual person you are dating, who yourself don't know yet.

If you see a character trait or habit you would not want in a spouse, don't go out again with the person. And let them have time, too. Don't be ready for a huge relationship within a couple dates. It's like you are still interviewing but don't have the job yet.

I work in divorce law as a paralegal , and it seems most people saw the flaw that lead to their divorce back in the early dating days . They blew it off. Someone not making time for you is a huge red flag . A common one, too. Some people catch the person they have been chasing, but that rarely leads to a good marriage.

Imagine the person will be just as they are now, only more so as they age. More immature , unavailable, abusive, irresponsible with money, dishonest, addicted, drunk... Or more caring, respectful, responsible, available, committed. Don't keep after someone who is already a disappointment .

Quote:

Originally Posted by jj2014

I have never herd of that before and I said to the Mother that I will leave it until her daughter is a lot better mentally and emotionally so it's down to her

I don't think you have a clue to what is being said to you.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I don't think you have a clue to what is being said to you.

I do have a clue and that is to leave her be and sort her life and she can contact me as and when she is ready too

125 posts and you finally got it!

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Originally Posted by J_9

125 posts and you finally got it!

You know it has not been easy as she is such a loving caring and supportive lady and hoping that I will find someone similar and I'm sure we both within time look back at this as something minor and hopefully we can become friends but that is for another day

I went on an informal date yesterday which went very well. It was with someone I knew from college day's she mentioned about meeting again and said if I did not or just want to take my time I can.
After reflecting on it I have decided I just feel it's too much too soon and I realised that. So I'm just going to leave things till New Year and see what happens then.

Got plans for fun with friends for the holiday?

I'm spending Christmas with family and friends but me and the girl are slowly talking again via text but I received a text from her on Christmas Day wishing me merry Christmas. She has said maybe we can chat soon once the holidays are done but I'm not expecting much although our text conversations have been positive and she apologized for her mum calling me against her wishes but I'm going with the flow and I have said to her that it's down to her when she feels ready to call me and that's where I have left it just giving her time and space

Christmas is over get ready for the New Years Eve party.

You've "been together for 3 months " but "only met last weekend for the first time" How exactly does that work?

Yeah I have a couple of choices for new years eve so I think things are picking between me and the girl

She is not an option so pick yourself, and whatever else you can come up with. I have no doubt she will be enjoying herself no matter what you do!

Good news we have now spoken over the phone the conversation was positive and constructive and we laughed a lot. She is a lot happier now she is sorting life oout. It seems she wanted the loving and intermacy with me but because of what happened to her over the past few years she kind of got confused and panicked.

So all in all it went well and we are going to continue to talk more so it's a case of doing this in stages and we botb agreed to see what happens as we go along.
So she is going to call me once she has processed stuff we both said !