Ask Me Help Desk - Need help in getting over false hope.

I think there is someone better out there for you, other wise you wouldn't have broken up with him five times just for him to finally end it... trust me in that you weren't happy for a reason, even though they don't matter to you now there were valid, so know that you will be happier when you find someone who loves you for you and you love them for them.

Its best to move on sometimes and learn from your mistakes so you don't make them again,

Believe in love like you do but want it with someone new, and give yourself time. I

If we all could do it you can too.

Lots of love.

I was just thinking the same.

What Ive learned from my mistakes.

That's why Im still here. Invaluable.

To be aware. And yes, believe in love. Within first.

I know what contributed to our break up. I wanted financial stability and he wanted emotional stability. Even at the age of 28, he was my first love and 3 years was my longest relationship.

I am just really hurt and sad. I know what I have to do, and I'm trying my very best to do it. I just want it to go faster. I keep hurting myself by thinking that he will change his mind and give us one last go. My problem is, I can't let go. I'm trying everything people tell you to do after a break-up... gym, family, friends, new hobbie, volunteer. And its still very, very, very, very hard. I fight the urge to text him multiple time within a day. When I think of him, I let it happen and I tell myself to move on to the next thought. But more of him is coming back. I feel like such a weak person who failed in all of this... sigh

Quote:

Originally Posted by peekcachu

I know what contributed to our break up. I wanted financial stability and he wanted emotional stability. Even at the age of 28, he was my first love and 3 years was my longest relationship.

I am just really hurt and sad. I know what I have to do, and I'm trying my very best to do it. I just want it to go faster. I keep hurting myself by thinking that he will change his mind and give us one last go. My problem is, I can't let go. I'm trying everything people tell you to do after a break-up....gym, family, friends, new hobbie, volunteer. And its still very, very, very, very hard. I fight the urge to text him multiple time within a day. When I think of him, I let it happen and I tell myself to move on to the next thought. But more of him is coming back. I feel like such a weak person who failed in all of this.....sigh

This urge to text him is normal... we all go through it. Hell, sometimes, and I emphasize sometimes, even the dumper goes through it. But the bottom line is... you have to welcome these feelings, but don't dwell on them. If you guys broke up as many times as you did, it was not meant to be. We all deserve a relationship where the partner always wants to mutually work out whatever problems there may be, instead of wanting to walk out every few months or years. But by no means consider yourself a weak person. Break ups bring even the toughest of us down to the bottom... but everyday even if you don't notice it, it gets better. This forum is the perfect outlet though, anytime you feel like texting him, log on here and let us know about it, and we will keep telling you NC, and give you damn good reasons. (Heh, I'll be pretty much living on this site for the foreseeable future so I'll always be here to help). But the people who post here have so much experience in what your going through, and the best advice I can give is to follow theirs. You will make it, you will stay strong, and keep up the NC. It's the only way to heal, and once you keep it up for a bit, you start seeing things with a clearer mind, and maybe just realize you are happier without all the stress and drama right now

Just keep on. NC.

You can do it. I recall my first bad breakup, I was 24. I thought she was the one at the time. Brutal.

Then my last mistake, well, guess I didn't learn much after all of those years. Hehehe.

The advice here changed & empowered me. Along with others in my life.

Don't for a second think about being a failure. And if you do, ask yourself why. In fact, you should be asking lots of questions right now, especially about yourself. No blame here, just getting to know yourself.

Who are you? What do you want now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by the_original

We all deserve a relationship where the partner always wants to mutually work out whatever problems there may be, instead of wanting to walk out every few months or years.

I absolutely agree with you on that. I had parents who mistreated one another and still stayed together. I was under the impression that, no matter what happens, it will always last. So, when I broke up with my ex. I thought that I would always be able to get him back. I never saw it as permanent. I do now.

That was MY mistake. And yes, he DID deserve someone who didn't play with his feelings. Now, that I had this realization, I find that its too late for me to do anything about it. And THAT is what kills me. I thought that I was in charge of my life and I can make my goals and dream happen with lots of hard work.

What you both deserve is to move on.

Sounds sh$$ty, I know. But that's the reality of things, however they hurt.

The point is to make a plan now.

When I was in this spot, my first priority was to heal asap.
Not try to get her back. There was no reason to. And usually never is, when someone makes it clear they don't want you.

It's the past & withdrawal that get in the way. Its like a drug or habit.

But like I said, its in the past now. Don't live there unless it helps you to rock things.

Be patient.

Harshness warning

So you tried for a few months (after 3 years of rather betchy behavior), and it was just so hard for you, so you start talking again, and now you are as miserable, as you were when you first got here, and why? Because he hasn't just slobbered all over you like he misses you

BOO HOO!!

This will be harsh because despite the FACT we understood, and told you to give it time, you quite trying. We all know how hard NC is, and its for your good, not ours, so lets get some facts together.

Had you stayed the course, it would have gotten better, because it always does eventually, then after a proper healing, your emotions would be under a lot better control, and you would have had a chance to to see things from a position of fact, and not your feelings, which is the case now. You wouldn't be all scatterbrained at his reluctance, and been patient enough to actually talk to the guy, and most of all you you would have understood his reluctance and really brought about some positive changes in yourself. Maybe even accepted the break up, and moved to a better place.

So here we are now with you so worried he will reject you yet again (because why should he believe you have changed enough THIS time), you are as frazzled as when you first broke up.

My advice, you better be a good listener, because I seriously doubt he takes you back, because fact is you haven't changed, and maybe you are even more needy, than before, but you just haven't had a chance to be betchy yet. Your to scared right now.

So I wish you luck, I really do, because you have a long way to go to be a good partner to any one and I hope you get there your way, because you have rejected ours and so GOOD LUCK!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Harshness warning
fact is you haven't changed, and maybe you are even more needy, than before, but you just haven't had a chance to be betchy yet. Your to scared right now.

I am.

Wasn't this originally about false hope?

That's how it started but those pesky feelings kept getting in the way.

Pesky is definitely the correct term... peekachu stay strong and let it go for a bit. It's going to be hard at first but as I said we are all going through or have gone through this, and are here to support you and try and help you with what's best for YOU. I know exactly how you feel, as our stories are kind of similar. Good luck and we are here if you need it... lol even if it is a bit harsh

I love harsh advice. And loving advice.

Puts me back into reality.

I am going through the same thing right now, same scenario - except she cheated - she's only 20 - I'm 27 - she was OBSESSED with me, and then on mar 3rd cut the chord completely, the signs were all there - I stopped gratifying her as she was wearing me out - totally demanding. Last night I gave my false hop ea dabble and after some brilliant NC - where she was badgering me, tellign me she can't believe I moved on so quickly - I agve in and we met up. This morning I am back to square one - false hope sucks! We both need to let go, if we love them, let them be happy. My Ex has gone from beign shy and hating to go out, to going out every night, spending loads of money on clothes etc and she rubbed it in my face last night. I realise that false hope is detrimental.

I don't mind the harsh advice. I just want to get through this.

Its will take a lot of time, and some hard work on your part. A lot of hard work.

Update:

Now I'm fearing that I will be alone all my life...

I really want to text him...

Don't do it... I know how it feels I wanted to do the same thing last night... but really consider the outcome. What if you text him, and he does not text back? Don't you think that might make you feel worse? Maybe not worth the risk.

I did not text him. I really, really, really wanted to. But I did not.