Ask Me Help Desk - My girlfriend just broke up with me

How about letting it go, and send her nothing. The last thing you want is to get back into the same confusion you're trying to avoid. She could have left it at "merry Christmas", she didn't.

Let your silence be her answer, because your right, your still fragile.

I hope you didn't respond.

NC, you. Know...

Thanks for replying so quickly guys! I had actually decided to reply, but I figured I'd follow your advice for once, so I deleted her text instead. I feel kind of rotten about ignoring her, I don't know why. Maybe because it demonstrates that she is indeed no longer part of my life, to the point where I can't even send her a text. Or maybe because we were so close, and now I'm just ignoring her. I miss her, I wish I could have wished her a merry X-mas, but I guess this is what I have to do for my own good.

I don't know why she would even send me that text (here we go with the over-analyzing). Maybe she has some residual feelings - three month itch or whatever - but I doubt it. Maybe she misses the friendship we had. Or maybe she just feels guilty about dumping me. Not that it really matters. All I know is that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, and that's really all I need to know.

That's good news S_H , acceptance is a major step forward.

I see good progress :)

Thanks Friend. I don't know if I've fully accepted it yet, I still have to remind myself every day that it's over, that she's not coming back and that it wouldn't have worked anyway. But I'm working on it, and I'll get there.

Don't feel rotten-its about you now-being nice or polite is not an issue anymore-healing is.

Thanks for the greenie-no feelings aren't which is why we have to use our minds to reason with our hearts. :-)

I thought about something earlier; do I somehow hold on to her through the misery, through missing her? Do I have trouble letting go because this is all I have left of her? Because if I begin to heal, that will break the last bond I have to her? I don't know if this makes any sense at all, just crossed my mind.

Yes S_H there is something in that as far as the breaking the last bond , its called FALSE HOPE ;)

Damn! :) yeah, I think you're right friend. I really have trouble letting go, and I sometimes daydream about getting back together. Whenever that happens, I remind myself that we're not, but I still have a hard time not thinking about her. That is to say, I think about her like 90% of the time. Hopefully that will get better as the semester and all it's activities start back up.

It's that old keeping busy rule again-and start thinking about something else instead.
It can be done,you know.

Sounds like you are starting to realize, good. It will get clearer.

Waking up takes time. But with will, its easier.

Don't worry if she pops up in your head. That's past stuff. Use that to move on. Not every relationship works out. Use this one for a better one later.

Show yourself how strong you can be & use it.

Hey buddy, haven't been in the site for a long long time... my ex dumped me 13 months ago.. and I can tell you with certainty that I felt EXACTLY what you describe in your post... the pain seems endless, and it all seems so unfair to us. We believe the world has no meaning without this super special person we found and then lost.. we blame ourselves, we try and see what we did wrong...

In your case, your girl is 17, that is v v young (as mature as she is), and a girl that age will eventually want to spread her wings and be free. No point making sense of what went wrong. It's not relevant for any other reason than your own development. Not to worry though, you will get over her sooner or later, you will find someone better suited for you, for now though, best to follow these guys' advice and focus on your healing. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

It's been almost three months for you right? For me it prob took 4-6 months for me to stop thinking about her every 5 minutes and feel that excruciating pain in your heart. Afterwards, you go up and down like a rollercoaster, you notice other girls, and if you are lucky you meet one that will help you recover (not a rebound--thats different). Other days you break down and miss her... maybe even peek at her fb... (BIG NO NO). Anyway, after a few more months you notice that she only creeps into your mind once in a while.. this is when you finally knock her off that pedestal and see things much clearer... the thought she might be with someone else doesn't make you sick anymore... it hurts a bit sure but that's about it, you think about something else and go on about your day.

How to achieve this?? Go no-contact... know that there is no point in you contacting her... nor her you... she wants you back? Well, believe me she will let you know if she really does... you don't want a shaky unsure girl to sortof want you back, you want her to scream it outside your doorstep (of course this prob won't happen) soooo.. u got to focus on yourself and give time, time.

I can tell you now that in my own experience, after a year or so of no contact (except for an email from her back in April and bumping into her best friend last month) I see the light at the end of the tunnel... I am now really liking another girl which is way too similar to my ex in her ways (that's another story :S). The point is, after letting time pass and going NC, there is another person that is in my mind, and room for other things like MYSELF. I still miss her often and wonder how she is doing, but like I said, soon enough the thought subsides and I go on about my day...

Not to say this is exactly what will happen to you, but I'm sure others will agree that this is how it goes.. and if you follow the advice in 6-12-18 months you will be a different (wiser and much happier) person than you are today.

Best of luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by expat2009

the pain seems endless, and it all seems so unfair to us. We believe the world has no meaning without this super special person we found and then lost.

I know, I feel pretty lonely sometimes. It's like there's less to look forward to now, like life has less meaning now that I'm alone and I've lost her. It seems a little unfair that she likely moved on very quickly, while I might take months to recover (if not more).

Quote:

Originally Posted by expat2009

In your case, ur girl is 17, that is v v young (as mature as she is), and a girl that age will eventually want to spread her wings and be free. No point making sense of what went wrong.

17 is very young, I know. The worst part is, when we started dating, I realized that it was never going to last very long because she's so young. There were probably several reasons for our break-up, but with her age it was never going to last anyway. I kind of wish I hadn't gotten so involved. We did have some great times together though, so I guess I should be thankful for the experience. Maybe I couldn't really have hoped for more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by expat2009

Not to worry though, you will get over her sooner or later, you will find someone better suited for you, for now though, best to follow these guys' advice and focus on your healing. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Best of luck.

The notion that I might feel like this for months is kind of scary, but I'll just have to deal with it and try to follow everyone's advice. Thanks

When are you going back to college? You need to keep your mind occupied and be around people.

You're right, when I'm around other people is pretty much the only time when I'll have moments - however brief they may be - where I don't think about the ex. The semester starts next week. I've also signed up for dance class, and I'm going away this weekend.

That's all good-meanwhile, go out and do things-be as active as you can to take your mind off things.

Hey,
Best not to think about how long this will take because it's not something that will happen overnight. Recovering is a day-to-day thing and it really is up to you how long you want to take to recover and then move on. Everyday will just get slightly better, and the more you occupy yourself with other stuff, the faster time will pass. As hard as it is to see now there are positives in this whole mess. For one, you will learn a ton about relationships and about yourself. You already mentioned that letting her into your group of friends and you be a part of hers would have helped. Well it might have for a while, but still it's important that you realised this. Being in a relationship is not just about shutting yourselves off from the rest of the world, you need to still have your own world and share some of it with her, as does she. Another lesson might be to lookout for someone that is probably on a similar stage in life as you are.

This is a hard hit no question, but getting yourself up and dusting yourself off is how you become stronger and wiser. Until one day, you find your "autumn" (500 days of summer ;)

Hang in there!

Weird thing happened earlier tonight. I was at a club, talking to this girl, getting good rapport. Then I saw my ex (or so I thought). I just froze completely, had to go to the restroom to calm down. I actually went back into the club after we'd left because I saw her through the window, turns out it wasn't my ex after all, and I was glad for it. Felt kind of stupid afterwards.

I'm doing a lot better, feel fine most of the time, but sometimes I get these 'wake up calls' or whatever you want to call them. Guess I still need time.

Another thing happened; a friend of mine had brought a date to the party. He sent me a text at the end of the evening; apparently the girl thought I was hot. Nice little ego boost right there :)

Egoboosts are nice!

As for the club incident-a bump in the road Something,so don't worry about it.