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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Wow, now I think about it and she did have a choice. She had 3. She could have gone behind my back or she could have told me she was going out n that she would call me every 2 hours so that I can be okay or she could have not gone. I actually don't think it is my fault anymore. Or she could have sat me down n we could have spoken about what to do if a situation arises even before a situation...She didn't have to do what she did even if she was afraid I'd be mad. She could have not gone and avoid all this but I guess a girls night out is more important especially when she did this before. What should I think? my fault or not?

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So what you expect of a girlfriend is

a. To not do the things she enjoys doing because it makes you feel insecure.
b. To do the things that she enjoys doing but call you at least every two hours so that you don't feel insecure, while you no doubt text her so often she doesn't enjoy her time because she is coddling your needs.
c. Be with a partner who after four years she knows she can't do anything she enjoys because it makes her partner so insecure that it will cause a fight and feels the fight is best avoiding by going behind his back.

How again are you error free in these alternatives?

It is your insecurity playing the biggest role in your relationship. After four years without trust you don't have the foundation of a functioning healthy relationship.

I am not saying it is entirely her fault. We both had trust issues but I respected that and I took care of her feelings. Yet not only did it once but 4 times. Wouldn't anybody be tired of that by then?

What did she do four times?

She went out behind my back 4 times.

So you are fighting in a relationship because you can't trust with someone you already have deemed untrustworthy?

"So you are fighting in a relationship because you can't trust with someone you already have deemed untrustworthy?"

What do you mean?

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

"So you are fighting in a relationship because you can't trust with someone you already have deemed untrustworthy?"

What do you mean?

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Her question was pretty much "you already deemed this girl untrustworthy, so you're fighting about it" As in "why would you even nfight with this girl if you already don't trust her, why not just leave her."

Did I interpret that correctly Justwantfair?

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Originally Posted by ohsohappy

Did I interpret that correctly Justwantfair?

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That was the point I was trying to get to.

You have your mind made up that the girl is sneaking around on you.
You already know that you are an insecure person.
Yet you are trying to get yourself back into the middle of this dysfunction??
For what purpose?

I'm kind of hesitant to express myself right now as I feel like some people are here to bring me down when I so don't need that right now. And these messages bringin me down seem to get a lot of credit. Anyway, I didn't deem her anything. The last few posts you have been putting words in my mouth as if you are trying to get on my nerves. I didn't deem anything. I had hope she would take care of my feelings as I cared for hers. In the end she couldn't be honest and it kept hurting me until I snapped n now we broke up. I admit that is my fault for snapping and it was wrong but she shouldn't have done what she did to me so much.

Any responses please?

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

I didn't deem her anything.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

In the end she couldn't be honest

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... So she's untrustworthy then, right?

Do you not find it odd that the current is flowing one way and you're going the opposite way? Have you not stopped to consider why the 10-12 people who have continuously posted in your thread have said very similar things?

That being said, you just keep bringing up bad things about the girl you supposedly care about. You've lost trust in her. You criticize her actions. Then you blame yourself for bad behavior. Do you not see that you are over-analyzing all the little details over and over again?

This is very unheathy behavior. We've already suggested to you that you take a time out. Allow yourself to reflect on everything that's happened without her influence. In other words, put some distance from her, so that you can recover. Once you're done recovering, you will feel more objective about the situation. But at the moment, you're filled with mixed emotions that is getting in the way of logic.

If you don't appreciate all the great advice that's given to you, then what exactly do you want? You seem to have developed a fantasy world in your mind on how you think things should be played out. Then you ask us for justification.

We respect that you have your opinion on the matter. Even though we disagree with you, we still find time to help you, because we see that you need help and we care enough to put the time and effort to write you a response.

But you have to realize that we also have our own opinion that is different from yours. If you can't even respect that we have a different opinion on your situation, then I'm sure that you don't really respect the girl's opinion either.

She obviously wants space. Can you respect her enough to grant her that wish? Or are you too selfish for that?

That was a great response I Wish. I guess I am all mixed up. I'm just trying to find a way to move on and if I can see that it is her fault for the most part then I can heal faster. Honestly,when we first broke up I was devastated. I took all the blame. I couldn't heal. I called other girls during the relationship and I yelled a lot and I felt I could have done better. Then when we got back together I finally took her on vacation and we had a great time which makes me happy that I was able to do that for her. She always wanted to be on a plane. Then we didn't fight so much but we would get annoyed quite a bit. I never liked her smoking but when I knew she did I would simply say babe... cmon you don't have to smoke but I wudnt make a big deal anymore. I rele tried. I kept my promise of not calling girls this time around and that makes me so happy! I kept my word and I didn't make her suffer with that anymore. Really everything was great on my part and I was so happy I was able to not hurt her. The one problem though we both had were with trust. I mean a few times I went with my friends and played poker and a few times she went out with her friends but soon it stopped. We were so busy with work and school. But one day I went on a cruise and I found out she had gone out with her friend without telling me... I know you all say she doesn't have to but I always did to make sure she is okay... y can't I get the same treatment. Then I went to Pennsylvania for 2 days and again I called her and she says she is home and I can hear when she is lying and she was out with "stunna". Then when I got to her house 2 days later she got a text and she hid it and deleted it. Then I said who was that and she started crying and told me to leave. I said I can't take that when I'm trying so hard and we have to split but she begged me not to and I asked her if she will be honest from then on and she said yes. I forgave her as usual. Then it happened now again!! I was going to break up with her since this time I caught her and its been an ongoing problem.

But I thought if I did it back maybe she can understand what I go through. Well I did it and she broke up with me and she says its mostly because I left her stranded waiting for a ride for an hour and a half. But I did send her a text saying I don't think I can pick her up but it just so happens that her phone was messed up or something. But that part was not intentional although the rest was. Well whether I did it back n we broke up or I just broke up with her right after she lied again doesn't matter to me because she was taking advantage of me. But deep inside I am sooo happy for not repeating my mistake of calling girls n using everyday to make her happy and take her on a vacation. I am happy I did that. Somehow hanging out behind my back is more important though.

Any responses? Please!

Instead of trying to get new responses, I strongly suggest that you re-read all the posts from the beginning. Everything that needs to be said has been said already. You just need to go through the posts again to find it all.

Yea thank you but I mean what do u think of what I wrote now since I gave u the full background of everything?

That the right thing was to break up.

You are analyzing and analyzing, but you aren't healing or grieving for the loss of your relationship.
The relationship was toxic and is over, you need to focus now on your life, who you are and where you want to go from her.
If you are waiting for us to encourage that this was all her responsibility, that thought process will not benefit your healing process.
What will benefit is knowing that the relationship was dysfunctional and that you have a better road ahead, but in the meantime, it took two to destroy your last relationship, now you have to find how you can grow from this experience, so that you build new relationships with better foundation.

Well that's really not good. I think she's confused or just isn't liking the fact that you work all the time, but she has to realize that you have that responsibility & when you have time to see her she should put you first or at least tell you. I think you guys need some time apart. She needs to realize that she truly loves you & will make time for you. In that time don't speak to each other for like two weeks & if she misses you & hasn't been with anyone else you guys need to talk things through & be honest with each other... no more lies. Hope everything goes well. God Bless.

Editted for grammar

I'm going through a messy time myself but honestly I can see that you're all over the place with your feelings towards her and this relationship. In my opinion just chalk it up as a loss, this relationship has run its course and now is the time to just let it go and consider yourself first and only yourself to work on. Just forget analyzing anything and everything that had to do with the relationship and quit asking people on here for opinions about this relationship because you have gotten some great advice on what the next thing you should do..

Just work on your own life and let the one you had with your ex girlfriend go.