It's good you ended the call first. Take control.

You know - YOU might think this is a game, but... you should make plans for coffee and then break them at the last minute. Kind of show the un-importance to him - show him he doesn't have you - which I think was part of the problem.

People Want What They Can't Have.

When you completely surrender to them - the games over. Even when you are about to get married it helps to have that sense that thye could slip away.

He keeps stringing you along.

Rol,

Good to hear you are in a happy place and I have really enjoyed seeing your progress. IT has been good because you are such a great girl.

Do you really need to see him? Do you need to discuss the issues that he ran from early on? Will it change anything?

Im not saying to run from him because it might hurt you. Not at all. If you want to go and have a coffee with him then id say do what you want to do.

But I just want you to weigh it up and ask yourself if there is any real need. Sure it is nice to know that each party doesn't harbour any ill feelings but I think that has been established already.

Anyway, you have done great so far and I'm sure whatever you do it will turn out for the best but I just want you to make sure you think about it before you act.

I don't want to see that happy place that your in turned on its head because of some unforeseen circumstances that may arise. And I'm only going on my experiences in doing exactly what your doing now too.

Hi and thanks a lot for the comments.

I don't thinks he's stringing me along.. well I guess in the way that he wants to be alone but does not seem to want me gone either.

But I cannot blame him for wanting to be alone either. Everyone needs to put themselves first.

I don't think ill bring up the past. I don't really feel like rehashing all that again. I may just tell him that I admire he had the courage to do what he did and that he was right.

And I'm taking this into account Skell... "I dont want to see that happy place that your in turned on its head because of some unforeseen circumstances that may arise. And i'm only going on my experiences in doing exactly what your doing now too." In many ways your breakup and mine were very similar and the place we are both at now is similar also, and stronger because of it.

Ill let ye know how it goes.

Hi Rol,

I wouldn't mention anything about the past. I don't think I would say that I admire him about anything. It might not be a wise thing to do. You are saying to him it was OK to treat you the way he did. He did things in a cowardly fashion, leaving you to cancel everything. Your ex is similar to mine in some ways, burying his head in the sand. What he did was out of order, don't forget that. You have come so far, and you deserve a lot better than him. I wish he wasn't so stupid in realising that :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by rol

But i cannot blame him for wanting to be alone either. Everyone needs to put themselves first.

---

For me, love is about putting another person first but then you must not neglect your own needs too.

That will be great to get to that point Geoff!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Jiser

That will be great to get to that point Geoff!

---

That is what real love is.

Putting the other person before yourself. That is how all love should be and always unconditional.

<<Putting the other person before yourself. That is how all love should be and always unconditional.
>>

Well not sure I totally agree with that (for once Geoff:).. That is what he did during our relationship and it did not work,
I think one should always know how to be happy without the other and that sometimes involves putting yourself first.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by rol

<<Putting the other person before yourself. That is how all love should be and always unconditional.
>>

Well not sure i totally agree with that (for once Geoff:)..That is what he did during our relationship and it did not work,
I think one should always know how to be happy without the other and that sometimes involves putting yourself first.

---

I see your point rol. That is what my ex did, she put herself first by leaving me and exploring the single life. I am comfortable with being single but I believed in what we had and I think if I were honest, I put her before me too much and I have learned a lesson from that. But, she would have left at some point anyway, no matter how I played it.

I'm so glad I have such greater insight into this kind of thing and in a lot of ways, I would not have grown in this way had she not had walked.

Perhaps the time your ex has had alone has given him the opportunity to rethink things but I would go into that meeting with an open mind and avoid bringing up the past. It is important that he sees that you are healthy and well and comfortable with being single.

Exactly Geoff we have learned major lessons because of all of this, the most important for me is to always keep my own life and separate friends, and make sure the other does the same. It's a pity because at the beginning this was how it was but then my male friends became his and he got my life grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Yeah I'm not expecting anything at all.

When we talked in October he did say he wants me to rebuild my own life, so that is exactly what I've been doing, and its great , I've new friends and doing many many things.

Even if he did say he made a mistake and wants to get back together I would tell him No, that I need more time.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by rol

exactly Geoff we have learned major lessons because of all of this, the most important for me is to always keep my own life and seperate friends, and make sure the other does the same. Its a pity because at the beginning this was how it was but then my male friends became his and he got my life Grrrrrrrrrr

---

That is kind of like what happened to me and my ex. She disliked me having friends and got angry if I spent time with them and not her. So I spent more time with her, lost those friends and then she blamed me for losing her friends and her single life when I even told her she should go out and have a good time alone with them but because she chose to spend more time with me, she lost her friends.

I think this is commonplace that in relationships, quite often we get lost and well, lose ourselves in each other. Yet I have learned a huge lesson not to let that happen ever again and rol and many others here have learned this too. A breakup can be a blessing in disguise and open up new ways of thinking and behaving.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by rol

yeah im not expecting anything at all.

When we talked in October he did say he wants me to rebuild my own life, so that is exactly what ive been doing, and its great , ive new friends and doing many many things.

Even if he did say he made a mistake and wants to get back together i would tell him No, that i need more time.

---

You are an inspiration to many here rol...

I am all choked up watching the kids grow up right in front of me, and no offense I feel like a proud old man (choking)

Yeah Rol our break ups were pretty similar which is what makes me so proud of you to see how you have turned the corner and been so great lately. As I'm sure it does everyone else here it makes me feel happy to think that you are getting on with things and in such a better place.

It also means I worry and would hate to see your progress halted.

As I said you will do what best and because of the person you are it will all work out great no matter what I'm sure. I just know what these coffees / meetings with ex's can be like from my own personal experience. I thought I was OK and ready too but when it came to the crunch I wasn't. We had a great time one sunny Saturday morning and for that hour or so it was like I had my best friend and love back in my life again only to have her taken away so cruelly again. Silly I know but we had such a great time and laughed like old times. But then when it was time to say goodbye she walked out of my life again and I felt so alone. That feeling of loneliness that hadn't felt for so long. That was a while ago now and I wasn't at the place I am now but it still is a regret I have as far as it wasn't in my best interests.

But each person and case is different and only you know yourself and what is best for you.

Oh I didn't realsie you also did that coffee thing Skell. I meant to ask you that before...

Well from May to October we were doing that drinks thing(about 10 times in total) so I guess I have experience there.
Anyhow ill see what happens here.
Thanks a million for your help and I appreciate it a lot

Aww Tal;-)

I thought id add an update.
Mostly about myself and how I am doing ;-)
These last few months I've been really focused on making my life better. I concentrated on my personal goals and worked very hard to achieve them. Ive just being informed that I am getting a promotion at work, so I'm very happy about that! I'm meeting lots of new people and having fun.

Update about the other situation... yes there is some but the other news is more important to share first :)

Well done rol...

You are an inspiration and shine like a new penny.

Ha ha I wish ;-) thanks!
Oh and happy belated birthday Geoff:) I remember you mentioned it on a thread last week ;-)