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So lets see...
She says, " I want us to just be friends"
He says, " If you want us to be friends, I'm going to block you out of my life for good..."
Doesn't make sense to me. She basically doesn't want to date you, but at least she wants to be friends. If you didn't want to be friends with you ex, just say so in a nicer way, like "I don't think I could do that because my feelings for you are too strong"...
Anyway, this is one confusing saga, and I really want to know how to turns out..
Well man, my ex didn't believe I would cut her out of my life when we broke up because I was so head over heels. She pulled the same "let's be friends" while I was warning her that I would disappear if she truly wanted to end the "relationship". I gave her a hug, told her she was great, wished her luck and vanished (or tried). She went nuts. Some of your actions are agonizing to read about, but the fact that this girl is "letting" you sing to her on the phone shows her immaturity as well. She's going to soak up your devotion and ride high on the confidence train throwing you bread crumbs... until she meets her new boyfriend. Hopefully your denial ends there. Keep this post alive until total heartbreak ensues that way we can post it as a sticky to prove that serenading your ex will absolutely not work. I feel for you man, I really do. If she had any self-respect she would try to save you from making a fool of yourself. Man, even though I didn't come close to the level of "determination"(obsession) you are showing, reading your post certainly reminds me of some of the emotional turmoil I was in back then.
As thickheaded as you are, this girl sucks. Letting you sing to her... that's sick. She sounds like a narcissist (ask around, I don't label very often). You've got to stop talking about her friend (really you shouldn't even talk to your ex at all). I made the same mistake on this one. Ex's friend started telling me things that began to drive a wedge between my ex and I. When the ex and I broke up, I asked why she wasn't even concerned that her friend was gossiping to me. She said because that's "just how she is". Meaning, she didn't care anymore. That's what you are hearing. Your ex's loyalty is to her friend 100%. You are a temporary stop gap right now. Whatever intimacy you guys had is gone.
If it makes you feel any better... my ex and her friend had a falling out as soon as I went no contact. When she realized she really did lose me to all that petty gossiping, I think she grew up just a little. General word of advice to everyone here. If your SO's friends are REALLY interfering whether it be gossip or leading your SO astray and you voice your opinion with no resolution. WALK AWAY. Don't make excuses, don't think you have trust issues, just walk away. From my POV, if one of my buds undermined or attempted to undermine a relationship of mine in any way, I would no longer call that person friend. Even if I wanted to break up.
After reading your last post, reckless, I felt embarrassed for you. I don't understand the purpose of calling someone and then minutes later telling them your "done talking to them"; you are very confused.
Like your ex said, just get it. She doesn't want you as a friend, she wants you out of her life and there for her at her convenience.
Honestly, I'm at the point where it's very much whatever. I've gotten past the point where I really care. She wanted to friend zone me. I said no. she says she doesn't know how she feels. I don't care. This is all really simple. I'm not getting her back. The chances of that are 0 at this point. Ignoring her may make her come back like it did last time, but that'll be 2 or 3 months down the road. Regardless, I'm not holding on to that.
Well I have to go to this play. I've already paid 60 dollars to see it. If I back out now then I'm going to leave her with the awkward task of finding someone else to go. She honestly doesn't have loyal enough friends who will pay the 60. I'm not going to try anything, don't worry. I'm done trying. I said everything I wanted to say and that's that. I have 0 hopes of trying anything at the play or getting her to go back out with me. I can't even imagine her saying that she'd go back out with me anymore. It would have to be a miracle of God.Quote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
Yeah don't back out of any plans but just don't act so desperate that's all.
Calling and having a conversation like you did sounds like your desperately grasping for straws as a feeble attempt to hear her voice so you don't crumble
You would think that was my reason, but I'm very honestly going to say that it wasn't. My reason was actually at first genuinely because I was in a happy singing kind of mood. It then changed into me basically telling her that I've had enough and that I'm gone if this continues. I had to say that. I don't know if you understand, but it was necessary for me because it's true. I had to tell her that I won't be around when she regrets this.Quote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
Okay so here's a fundamental world truth. Your ex girlfriend will not get back with you if you tell her you'll change, that things will get better, that you can work things out, etc.
The only way to get her back is to genuinely not care. You have to be up front from the start and say that you won't be her friend, that you won't wait for her decision, that it's over. Then you have to ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore. Any crack ups in ignoring will prolong the breakup.
Desperation is the seed of failure. The message you have to send across goes like this "I don't need you." That's it. Right now I'm in the ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore stage. I should have told her from the very beginning that it was over and left her alone with the consequences of her stupid decision.
You want to know how I got her back the first time? I genuinely did not care at all about her. I stopped calling her altogether for two weeks and got a new girlfriend. She came crawling back to me like a freaking centipede. You know how our first conversation went? She was all worried about my girlfriend. I told her that I couldn't get back with my ex anymore because I had my current girlfriend and I was going to give her a chance because my ex had already had hers. She called me back another time and told me that she loved me. I told her that despite her love for me, my decision would not change.
Eventually my feelings did change though. She called again and I told her that although I loved her, I didn't need her. I said those exact words. Unsurprisingly, that made her need me.
This is really just a repeat of the first time. Life is cylical. The same strategy of not caring is going to work again. I left out an important part of our conversation in one of my posts. She asked me if I had gone to club lately. I should have lied and said I did, but I didn't. Of course she's worried about that. Of course she's worried about losing me. Now I'm just going to let her worry.
You had to tell her because it is your ego you are trying to protect.Quote:
Originally Posted by reckless
Just like guys that get rejected when they expect a girl in the bar to buy their corny one liners. They then say ''Oh well she must be a lesbian!''
It is self comforting. That is all you are doing by all your words to her is self medicating your own pain here.
You may believe she is going to regret this but in her mind your relationship as bf/gf is already over and she HAS NO regrets.
You are the one that is lingering in la-la land believing it is this way or it is that way.
Get over it! For your own sanity sake.
Well... I know I'm kind of late to here, you seem to have great advice from these people here. Similar situation with you actually, but without going into too much details on my thread, I quickly pick up this NC rule created by rome and advice taken from tal, rome, friend, inertia, jol, and some other that I can't recall. And guess what? Its going in my favour. :) I'm gaining more control in my life, doing happy stuff without my ex and I started dating other girls already. Of course, there will be downs bit here and there but it doesn't affect me much.
All I can say is if you're actually happy and satisfied with what you're doing now with your ex then no one is stopping you. But I would say, don't mourn about the past (seems that most of the time you're just moving forward), what's done is done, all you can is is learn from it, also take a step back, take time to think about it, be in reality not fantasy, ask yourself... is she worth it? Are we having a healthy relationship here? Am I compatible to her? In order for a relationship to be healthy and smooth, you need the 3C's. Compatible. Communication. Commitment. No less. Have you 2 fulfilled 3 of these?
Well the communication thing is the problem. She says I don't listen, and I try but apparently I don't try hard enough. I'm to blame for doing the stuff she told me not to like PDA and getting into a fight with her friend. I know there's no convincing her that I can listen anymore since I've proven to her that I can't. I really want to change this time but she doesn't think I can.
I wish there was something I could say to turn it around, but I know there's nothing to do but to ignore her. I have to be chill on Saturday when we go to the play and just act like her friend, not her boyfriend.
The whole no PDA thing pissed me off because it made me feel like her friend and not her boyfriend. That's like the extent of why I did it even though she didn't want me to. She says it makes her friend feel awkward and I totally understand that now, but it's just too late.
Honestly this whole not listening thing is a mistake on my part. She's just totally overblowing the situation and now it's just ridiculous.
Regardless, I'm going to let her come to me and if she doesn't then it's just whatever.
I wish you guys could tell me what to say to get her to know that I'm listening without getting sarcastic or biting responses. I know you guys are trying to do what's best for me but you know I've been determined in this thing.
She feels she has to overblow it because you don't listen. Like if you tell a kid don't touch and they touch the stove you have to keep reinforcing what you say until they get it.
You aren't getting it.
Its not what you say it is what you don't say.
You don't get all wordy and obnoxious like that last phone call you told us about and some other things you have said and done. You don't go on and on about how you are changing... you do it and prove it by actions speaking louder than any words.
When she is talking all you do is shut your mouth, look at her, and hear every word she says. Do not interrupt her and think before you speak. Like N0help4u said ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! It doesn't matter what you say to her, she is seeing how you act and knows you are blowing smoke!
Like we have said for the past 14 pages, you're fighting a battle that is impossible to win. After Saturday, you should cut your losses and start moving forward in your love life, instead of spinning your wheels with her. You have already taken this WAY further than it EVER should have gone.
Wow, this thread is 14 pages long and the OP just doesn't get it.
This is a destructive relationship. I can't believe I even read that phone call!
Dude! What is wrong with you? Have you ever been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder? It's clear this chick is playing you and making you look like a fool. Weren't you even embarrassed to post that call? Wow!!
She is an ex for a reason. Leave her alone already.
No, you're wrong again. You're problem is you're trying too hard. In the beginning of this thread, you were convinced you two were getting back together so you consciously distorted the reality and looked at the situation they way you wanted to see it. Under normal circumstances, that's being an assh**e, but given your desperation it's really a cry for help. In either case, it's not listening.Quote:
Originally Posted by reckless
Like we've been telling you all a long, leave her a lone and she'll get the hint that you finally understood.Quote:
Originally Posted by reckless
Okay well on Saturday I'll do nothing but listen. There is no talking her out of this. There is no talking me out of this. I've made my choice.
You guys are probably all right. That's fine though. I'm going to use actions rather than words to support myself.
Woah woah woah. That's the kind of advice I like. I'll leave her alone every day but Saturday, where I'll listen to her and not make moves on her or act like a jerk.Quote:
Originally Posted by slapshot_oi
I don't know what you said slapshot, but your words seem to get through! It's not we all haven't been saying the same thing for the past 137 posts!
Then on Sunday pretend like she doesn't exist... that she NEVER existed.
She's treating you badly , don't waste your time you deserve better
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