Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend wants to breakup after 5 years

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

She actually despises people that do the same things shes doing. And puts on a facade and makes believe, and lets people know in one way or another that she is humble, yet rad.

She's got deep, deep psychological issues.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

And she allowed me to believe that

I bet you knew the truth but emotions tend to cloud that. In my opinion that's where some of the anger comes from after the break up. You are not only mad at the situation, and mad at her for lying, but mad at yourself for knowing some of the things you let go during the relationship and then being upset with yourself for suppressing your own truth detectors. The great part now though is, you don't have to suppress them anymore. Let the truth come forth about her, she's not the angel you made her to be. You don't have to give her the false credit anymore.

When I say boy friend, I mean the person that she wanted or was infatuated with. I guess more compitetion, that she fuels.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

It does, was just thinking my ex has this friend from high school and they were inseperable. She was the one that traveled to India and elsewhere while she was escaping. They from what shes told ne had some wild times & lived pretty freely. She is now cut that person out of her life with the exception of a a casual drink. She always confided in my that her friend was always trying to steal away her boyfriend and how she used her good looks to do that. I guess I believed that too.

That's is success through elimination... which is not success. It's quite pathetic actually.

You are absolutely right. I am starting to put those pieces together, thanks,

I guess that's exactly what I did, help validate her wrongdoings with the illusion that I was a supportive boyfriend. Man, I feel so stupid and unadjusted.

I guess that stems from her parents writing her off emotionally for a really long time now. Now she's doing the same.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

Man, I feel so stupid and unadjusted.

Are you kidding. You are seeing this now. She never will. Who's unadjusted here? It's not you. She's going to live her whole life that way, because she has read the books but never applied them. It's all a cover for her, so she can say, "I had a bad childhood but I've come so far, everybody must think I'm so great for overcoming so much, none of you could ever do it and if you could I don't want to talk to you." I just summed her up her entire life in one sentence and she's lived a lifetime and couldn't give you one sentence about it if you asked her.

You are exactly talking about her. Ive been writing notes on index cards as I do when Im developing creative concepts in my work, and just wrote "She knows YOU were a good person, but deep down, SHE'S not. Thats why you must be eliminated"

I guess for her, If I get any closer, I may really find out...

Quote:

Originally Posted by vanheart

"She knows YOU were a good person, but deep down, SHE'S not.

Have you ever thought how true that might be. She knows how screwed up her life is and no matter what happened she couldn't screw yours up. At some point maybe she got scared that you were to good for her, and in an effort to stop you from hurting her like everybody before you did she did the only thing she could and acted the way she always does. She got rid of the one person who was better then her at a relationship and at love.

Yup exactly. Thanks. Was just thinking about this guy, a successful photographer that she dated right before me. They didn't hang long but booty calls & such. That didn't last very long, weeks maybe. She siad on e night she was at some industry thing, & he wouldn't giver the time of day.
I was always jealous of their time and I was forced to hang with him sometimes as we had mutual friends. She always respected him and probably still does. Wow.

So he doesn't care about her and she respects him. Deep, deep, psychological issues. I hope you are starting to see how much better you life is going to be, and the best part is she is the one that gave you the gift of clarity... even if it's not clear to you yet.

I am, was taking out the garbage & thought:

"Believe in what YOU want, NOT in what she made you believe you want, LIKE HER"

How ironic that thought came when you were taking out the garbage.

Nice one.

Thanks to everyone today. I feel like Ive had some awakening. The jealousy I was so concerned about today, has sad to say, turned to disgust in a way. I will try to wake up not feeling like I am reverting all of the time. Helps me validate that NC is critical. Cheers.

One thing that Im am going to think about when I wake up is:
She adores the TV show Survivor and that was the only hour a week that was hands off, no talk or calls, only during breaks. I have watched Jeopardy for most of my life, mainly cause I enjoy feeding my brain regardless and was a great distraction after work. She would always rib me and say "You looooooovvvvee that show" Condesending me. I guess I mirror these pleasures not as Survivor vs. Jeopardy, but Lying vs. Smarts. Many times in conversation about whatever, she would say " Im smart, you know, Im no dummy!" and get defensive.

I re-deciphered that final text. Forgive my rambling.

"Hi, not sure if you are working"

T: I hope he's not doing better than me, even with his pain. I want to make sure.

"Ill be at home tonight"

T: I know that I won't have anything lined up tonight, and I don't want to feel weak and lonely.

"and would like to say hi"

T: I want to draw you back in, at least for tonight.

"Can I call you"

T: I want him to think Im being timid and afraid, that will surely work...

Just wanted to give a bit of background and how this all came to be. I guess in my original post I didn't give that much detail. I know Im making progress, let me know if Im going overboard in my posts

I am an Art Director and moved to a new city & one of the first gigs I had was teaming up with this guy that became my friend. We had hit it off & I felt that I was truly making progress and validated moving. We would hang out all the time.

My ex is a wardrobe stylist, and worked with him on occasion. That's how I met her. He was going on vacation one time, and I took over this creative. An account that both she and he worked on previously. In doing so, I completed the hard part and met with her and others to plan. When he returned, he took it over, directed it and showed everyone that he was in charge. I was was super mad. We continued to hang out, but superficially. He eventually left and went back to school. In which time he, became more superior unavailable and degraded everyone including my close friends when we spent time. So I, kind of wrote him off for my sake and distanced myself from him. After he left, I hired my ex on a few occasions and hit it off. I liked her & wanted ask her out & I did. Our first date was great (even though she has referred to it later as "I thought is was a pre-pro meeting") We had fun, went out & stayed up late making out on the couch until morning, no sex though.

As things started getting serious, I found out that my friend's fiancé at the time (he married her, had a baby & moved away) always thought that he was sleeping with my ex. I shrugged it off cause that I was involved & excited and things were going great, I guess in my mind that was in the past if so. In fact he was the first person I told that I was dating her and falling for her. I remember him saying "Im so happy for you, you guys make an amazing couple, if I didnt love my girl so much, i would want someone like her"

Im sure you know where this is going..

This always kind of wore on me. One night a year or so later, my ex & I were out & discussing my discarded friendship with him & I flat out asked her if she slept with him. I was surprised & shocked she said yes, and even told me. Needless to say our night was crap, I slept on the couch on my own volition and my trip to visit her was negated for the last few days. I forgave her and I still remember soon after how mad she was that I chose to cut this so-called friend out & how he was a good friend to me. I feel now that I am attracting those people for some reason & felling insecure and stupid.

NC man.. stick to it... and block the text