Ask Me Help Desk - Dangerously in love?

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Originally Posted by AmExp

Well that is what we remind each other everyday. I figured we both would have caught on by now....

He never will, it will only get worse. Before you know it you'll be asking his permission to go to the bathroom. Been there, done that, and it all started just like your story. Really, there are certain types out there that are very predictable, and this guy is one of them.

Run, don't walk. We're here for you, that's why we joined AMHD, so you break it off, change your numbers, no contact and we'll be here to help you through it.

But, seeking proffessional help to get you back on track is also a very good idea. Don't just think about it, do it!

You have your whole life ahead of you, so find someone to share it with, not someone to control it!

Agreed! THANK YOU ALL SOO MUCH! I REALLY NEEDED THIS! THANK YOU!

The irony is he says that he wants a drama-free relationship and that as soon as there is DRAMA he is gone. When we started to get more serious we have had our bouts with major drama strangely enough. Anyone else experience this?

The drama is part of the control. If he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it there will be drama, and yes, it will get worse.

Drama is controllable, if you have an open, honest, trusting, loving relationship.

Do I get angry with my hubby? Yes, but we keep the drama out of our relationship. When we have an issue we discuss it. If we don't agree then we determine how important that issue is. If it's important then we find a middle ground, if it's not important we put it on the shelf.

I know a good relationship when I see one, I also know a bad one. I've been in both.

Hubby and I have been together for half our lives, 19 years, and yes, there have been bad times, but never terrible times, never a time when either one of us said "ENOUGH!".

Drama belongs on the stage or in movies, not in a relationship.

So he creates the drama to be in control?? I admit that I have provoked some things, but I didn't feel it was as big of a deal as he was making it...

Bottom line from what you have told us is his behaviour is immature , insecure and manipulative amongst other things.

So you either accept that and live with it or you do something about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmExp

So he creates the drama to be in control??? I admit that I have provoked some things, but I didnt feel it was as big of a deal as he was making it....

Because it isn't as big a deal. When he doesn't get his way he'll make you feel like it's your fault, that you're the one causing drama and that he just wants peace and love.

That's how these guys get control, they have you believing that any problems in the relationship are all your fault. If you hadn't gone out with your friends he wouldn't have to get mad. If you had told him who called he wouldn't have had to search your phone and then there'd be no drama. If you had called him when you said he wouldn't have to get upset because he was "worried" about you. Drama, drama, drama, and before you know it you think he really cares when all he's doing is controlling your every move.

Then, if you stay, it will turn into "I wouldn't have had to hit you if you'd just listened", "I wouldn't have to lock you in the house if you would just stop talking to people you're not allowed to talk to", "It's your own fault that I gave you a black eye, if you had just not gone out with your friends it would have been fine".

Yup, been there done that. Learn from our mistakes, I can promise you he won't change for the better.

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Originally Posted by AmExp

OMG!!!! WOW! That is insane!!! He was mad because you didn't want to spend that time with him???? OR???

He did that because it was Literally his way or the highway! He was angry because he wanted to leave NOW, and I wanted to stay an extra half hr. and watch the game with my friends!

As far as the drama goes? He will set it up and create it, but make it look like you did. He will do that most often in a passive aggressive manner. He will play on your feelings, and spin it until you're dizzy, and convince you that it is ALWAYS your fault. You WILL start believing him. This is his plan. It can get so bad that he can and will find a way to make it your fault because the sun rose! He is only doing this to TEACH you, and to tell you whatever YOU'VE done, you've done it the wrong way! Only his way is the right way! He knows better, you don't.

Again, and I'm not trying to be a smart A$$ here, but how did I know that he puts down your friends, but is Mr. Wonderful to your friends and family? Then how did I also know that he tries to convince one of your friends, to get info out of you so he can catch you in a lie?---along with telling her that YOU do things to try and make him jealous or upset. And of course there is the clothing issue, that you confirmed when I asked you. Don't you dare wear that outfit when we are around my family! But how dare you not wear it when we are out together, because I am so needy that you need to dress that way so I FEEL GOOD about MYSELF! Oh and make sure there's plenty of cleavage to keep me occupied!

You mentioned the idea of "being in love with the feeling of being in love." Also, that you like the bad boys. Well this isn't love. He doesn't trust or respect you. He makes you announce who you're talking to on the phone, he checks your text messages. ---but of course don't you ever DARE check his or inquire, he has his buddy spying on you when he's out of town, he has your friend trying to fish for info to try and trip you up, he wants to know who you've talked to, danced with, etc. when you go out with your friends---yet tells you he "wants" you to be able to do that---and I can bet he makes sure he knows what you are wearing then too---AND he texts you and says something hurtful, then texts you back and appologizes, then texts you with another rude remark, then he texts you and asks why you aren't answering your texts! Have I forgotten anything?

What do we know about him so far? He is manipulative, he is jealous, he is insecure, he is needy, and he is controlling! I could come up with many more verbs to describe him, and none of them are good.

Again, get out of this while you still have yourself esteem and pride intact. He will suck the life out of you if you don't. Leave before you get the chance to find out that all we are saying is true.

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Originally Posted by starbuck8

Again, get out of this while you still have your self esteem and pride intact. He will suck the life out of you if you don't. Leave before you get the chance to find out that all we are saying is true.

Starby is totally on the money here. Listen to Starby! Run away as fast and as far as you can and count your blessings that you still have the sense left to question this behavior. I truly feel for the many other unfortunate women out there who get into this kind of relationship and don't realize it until its too late...

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Originally Posted by UnluckyDucky

Starby is totally on the money here. Listen to Starby! Run away as fast and as far as you can and count your blessings that you still have the sense left to question this behavior. I truly feel for the many other unfortunate women out there who get into this kind of relationship and don't realize it until its too late...

Thank you for that. Had to spread the rep Ducky! ;) It sounds funny to me to call you that, because everyone in the "lounge" here calls me that. They're a crazy bunch! LOL! Come join us if you'd like, you'll see! Heehee!

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Originally Posted by starbuck8

Thankyou for that. Had to spread the rep Ducky! ;) It sounds funny to me to call you that, because everyone in the "lounge" here calls me that. They're a crazy bunch! LOL! Come join us if you'd like, you'll see! heehee!

Not all of us ;)

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Your 23 he's 36. You sound 23 which is still very emotionally immature and I do not mean that in a bad way.. you just grow and learn over time with experience... and him being 36 and trying to control you.. show's his immaturity and insecurity... I'll tell you what other girls won't tell you... you know the ones that tell you girl don't worry about it.. he's just jealous cause he loves you... He's got it really bad for you.. no he's not and no he doesn't... he's into the a** and wants to possess you not love you... and it's probably not even you, it's every girl he gets all into... and eventually he'll tire of the games and move onto someone he feels he can control... it's been four months... no one is in love in four months it's lust.. revisit it in a few years and I doubt you think it was love then... sorry. The younger older has to have more to it then physical attraction and games... you mentioned he is in good shape and attractive and wines and dines you and has done a lot for you.. now can anyone say that spells love... get out before someone gets hurts both emotionally or physically... guys don't like to be taken for rides especially boys who think they're men...

Damn Sherri! Well I appreciate your honesty. He jokingly told me tonight that I can run the show when I start paying for things. Until then because he is paying... he is running the show. AND whatever I want I get. I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. He also followed that up wth if I want to pay for everything then I can be king for the day. Lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmExp

Damn Sherri! Well I appreciate your honesty. He jokingly told me tonight that I can run the show when I start paying for things. Until then because he is paying...he is running the show. AND whatever I want I get. I didnt think there was anything wrong with that. He also followed that up wth if I want to pay for everything then I can be king for the day. lol

Whoa! All I can say right now is... WHOA!

... and many more explitives that I can't use here!

Well... he was joking with me. Or is that what he wants me to think? Is that what happened to you?

It's not a joke hon! He wants you to think it's a joke. Trust me it's not! Yes, this is what he did to me, and when I went for counseling after I finally "escaped," my counselor told me how easy these things were to recognise. I finally started to do my own research, and do other things to look into behaviours, and what he said to you is just so typical and can be so dangerous.

The funny thing is that he has supported and encouraged me to go to counseling and feels I will have better wellness. I feel like if he didn't support me then he wouldn't encourage. He believes it would be good for me to go.

So did my ex!. and he went too! When we finally went together, after several sessions, the counselor pulled me aside and said I just needed to leave him. He only wanted me to see a counsellor to prove he could fix me, and he gave many reasons his counsellor was useless, because he knew more than the counselor. According to him, his counselor talked a lot of phycho babble, and just didn't know what he was talking about.

I'm seriously not trying to shoot down your dreams, and be the one with the big crystal ball. I hate that I even have to tell you these things. I don't even know you, but you seem like a smart, pretty and intelligent girl. I don't want to see this happen to you---like it has happened to me.

I honestly lost track of all the red flags in this relationship, and that can't be good. The worse part is this is only a 4 MONTH relationship and you have all these warning bells, and alarms with every new post.

Come on AmExp(rienced), you have got to see just a bit of what we all see.

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Am I just making a big deal out of a guy who really does love me? Or is his love dangerous?

He is dangerous to you.

I have to agree, way too dangerous and the red flags are just soaring! Take a step back and re evaluate this situation as it is not healthy. You're not going to find happiness with this relationship, he acts like an 18 year old with too much anger