Ask Me Help Desk - My life is in bits...

Well that's all I want. To know where I stand. Need to know if I can start the motions of moving on with my life and meeting new guys etc (which is going to be a lot tougher, being pregnant) or to continue to put my life on hold on the basis that he does want to come back and he does want to be a proper family, just needs time to adapt? Is that unreasonable on my part? Is that too much to ask?

NOT AT ALL LOVE
Just ask him..
Tell you want an answer now you have had with him and had it with waiting and waiting for his royal highness.
You deserve to know Holly, you are too good for him

Thanks - I knida realise that. I never did anything wrong by him and yet he can do so much wrong by me.

I can assume that he wants nothing to do with the baby and that he and I are over for good; but unless he actually confirms that, then I will have a doubt in my head saying - WHAT IF? - That is noway to live; and it as you say not a simple break up! If this was just about he and I then I would have told him to take a hike and not bother me again, because his actions were just too hurtful and so much damage caused. However it's not so simple when a child is involved.

Exactly dear.
And don't assume, I believe in my favorite saying :-
Assuming the brother of all f**k ups
And I really believe it, because you will keep questioning yourself for as long as you can imagine.
So get the facts straight, you need and deserve to know and don't care if it bothers him, you come first :)

Got forms through yesterday. I am applying for my own house. Decided to move out of home and move on. I am going to make myself and my baby a good life, now its just the two of us I can do things my way!

I have an appointment with my midwife tomoorrow to discuss my birth plan, screening tests and other things that need to be sorted.

I appear to be reconciling things with my real dad. Went to his for tea last week and I am going again tomorrow after my appointment with the midwife.

My nan is looking after me well (as I am staying at hers) I love her cooking reminds me of when I was little and used to stay over at hers lol.

Seen lots of my friends and I am meeting with one this weekend as I have not seen him since May and attending my mates wedding on Saturday! A good long rest will be well earned on Sunday!

Good for you.
Glad to hear this and sounds like you are doing well for yourself sweety.
Xx

It's a case of having too! I would go mad otherwise. I know what I need to do and I know I am strong enough to do it. I am not putting my life on hold anymore! Time to take full control and do what I want to do! I have decided its not me who's alone - it's Pete who is on his own! Putting things in perspective and seeing the bigger picture really does work! - he is losing out on me and a family - I am gaining a family. It might only be a family of two - but it's still my family!

I always do in the end. I think being as pete and I only split up just over 3weeks ago I have progressed and handled things rather well!

I think you are doing the best thing! You have made the right decision and from the sounds of it you have a lot more than a family of two between your nan friends and the possible reconciliation between you and your father!
You are such a strong sweet person and you definitely deserve the best.
Best of luck! ;)

Holly, Like I said in a previous post. Just because originally you thought a proper home is with two parents, does not mean a single parent home is not proper. There are many single parents that have more loving homes then two parent home. I am glad your planning your life. With a new beautiful family member and I hope that one day you are able to share your life with somebody that will treat you and your little one right. I am happy for you. So many times in my life I have experienced lows and bad situations that I thought would never get better. Years later the hard times actually made me stronger and I ended up having so many beautiful experiances in my life. I am so happy your are seeing this experience as a positive for your future with a family that some other people just throw away. Seeing the bigger picture definatley is important. Well, Keep intouch and enjoy the experience of being pregnant. It is such an amazing experience ( through the eyes of a father to be and to my wife who is experiancing lots of kicks and movements. Amazing and the journey has just begun.

Joe

Quote:

Originally Posted by DJ 'H'

I always do in the end. I think being as pete and I only split up just over 3weeks ago I have progressed and handled things rather well!

Holly,

You are doing a fantastic job of handling all that is in front of you.

As I keep reading though this thread and I see how you are gathering yourself together it makes me think of the strength, commitment, and determination that I see in my wife. I didn't know her when she was a young mother, just into college... but I imagine a lot of the things you are going through, she also went through. And, as I said, I'm seeing the same strength and determination come through you in this thread.

You are doing very good things.

Hi Holly,
I haven't been on the site in a while, and I'm sorry to hear about all the upheaval you've been going through. It must be taking every ounce of strength to remain focused and strong for yourself just now, and I'm glad you have the support of your gran and your friends around you.

You sound as if you are taking all the right steps for yourself at the moment. A break will be good for you, allow you to grieve properly and feel the sadness you might have been putting on hold while you have been trying to figure out Pete's feelings. Like it or not, the man is about to become a father, and is acting like a child. This is not your responsibility right now. I think you are being very generous with your feelings for him. Take some time for yourself. Also, I know you are quite close to his family, but it is HIS family. If he so obviously wants this space, it might not be a good idea to be hanging out in his family home - perhaps you could meet his mother for coffee somewhere and indirectly give him that space, and also let him become aware you are not just going to be in the background in any case.

Congratulations on the pregnancy - I'm sure you will make a wonderful mother. You have a great head on your shoulders, and are obviously very loving. Just remember to love yourself. This guy means the world to you, and yet abruptly walked away with odd behaviour that has a slight pattern to it (re: other posts). Be careful you are not "ok-ing" this behaviour, it's quite all right to let him know he's being a **** when you need his support, even if it is just as a sperm donor. Whatever IS going on for him, you have a lot on your plate too, and I would just be concerned you are being so giving here, when you need those resources to nurture yourself. He still has not given you "reason" why all of this occurred, and the friendly texts and calls, while nice, are not giving YOU the space to deal with all that's happening. It sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too and I think it's a little unfair on you.

I'm glad you've taken some time out with a friend, who is equally in a bad place, because you will be able to laugh and cry together and probably never forget your holiday and your valuable friendships. Perhaps Pete did kiss someone and was overcome with guilt, perhaps he is scared of the commitment between you - but it is his problem to deal with, alone. He may become resentful of you being in his home, he may love it underneath it all - but give him a chance to be a man and realise what he has thrown away on a whim. He sounds a little unable for responsibility at the moment. But you have no choice about your responsibilities - you are becoming a mother. A gift of life is inside you right now, and you sound by far the mature one here.

I admire your strength in all this. I know I would probably have had some cringy banging on doors in tears moments myself! But don't bend too much for him, you have so much personal growth within you, and he has a lot of growing to do. He can't do that with you. You can't "grow someone up", but a lot of space does wonders for a man's conscience and awareness. It really sounds as if he has certain issues he needs to work out for himself, because this behavioural pattern can leave you feeling totally groundless as a partner - the night of his birthday was the same. It's up to him to decide whether to deal with that, you don't have to accept that from anyone. I just hope you know in your heart that you have taken all the right steps, you have given him time, compassion and understanding, and if things don't work out, it's because he simply isn't on the same page as you and you are made for better things. I hope this isn't offensive in any way. I just feel it's a terrible shame that you have come so far and have been left in the lurch by someone who means so much to you. I don't know if the texting and calls are a good idea, it's keeping him in the comfort zone a little. He doesn't have to face your loss, and why he made that choice. Walk away totally for a bit, no house calls no texts. Arrange to meet in a month, and talk it through openly. By then, if he's not acting like an adult you have your answer.

Well there's my tuppence. Good luck, and keep us posted. You have given such sound advice to all of us, I hope you are surrounded by lots of love to keep you afloat xx

Thank you giggles everything you have said is true, what I came to realise some time ago and everything you have said to do I am doing.

I have been living with my Nan for the last two weeks.

The last contact I had with Pete was last weekend when he asked if I knew anyone he could sell the birthday present I bought for him too - that was enough to make me realise what an arse hole he is and how much I deserve better.

I have since told my work and they too are suppoting me. My job is safe and I will return to work after my maternity leave.

I am moving away from my home town to be closer to my job (cutting petrol costs down), and know exactly where I stand financially and have no worries there. This will be a new start for me, a chance for me to bring my child up in a good area, meet new people and move forward. The only way is up!

I am much happier - my head is in a good place and I am doing just fine ;)

I'm so happy to hear that! Well done, and btw- what a horrible thing to do, call you up and tell you he wanted to sell your gift to him? What an ars*hole indeed! Is that a serious statement or what!
Good luck with the move, and the emotional move, you deserve new opportunities and chances, so take them xx

Oh hey, you might want to change that avatar too ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by DJ 'H'

Thank you giggles everything you have said is true, what I came to realise some time ago and everything you have said to do I am doing.

I have been living with my Nan for the last two weeks.

The last contact I had with Pete was last weekend when he asked if I knew anyone he could sell the birthday present I bought for him too - that was enough to make me realise what an arse hole he is and how much I deserve better.

I have since told my work and they too are suppoting me. My job is safe and I will return to work after my maternity leave.

I am moving away from my home town to be closer to my job (cutting petrol costs down), and know exactly where I stand financially and have no worries there. This will be a new start for me, a chance for me to bring my child up in a good area, meet new people and move forward. The only way is up!!

I am much happier - my head is in a good place and I am doing just fine ;)

"The last contact I had with Pete was last weekend when he asked if I knew anyone he could sell the birthday present I bought for him too - that was enough to make me realise what an arse hole he is and how much I deserve better."-Where I come from-this dude would get his *** kicked... what comes around goes around girl and one day he will get his. Good luck to you.

That's horrible. Well, unfortunately, Pete turned into a big jerk. Big Jerk.

It' so hard to notice these things sometimes when you care for someone or you are in love.

Sounds like he wants to hurt you - which is a form of abuse.

Probably best not to be with him - especially because he won't be a MAN about this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

That's horrible. Well, unfortunately, Pete turned into a big jerk. Big Jerk.

It' so hard to notice these things sometimes when you care for someone or you are in love.

Sounds like he wants to hurt you - which is a form of abuse.

Probably best not to be with him - especially because he wont be a MAN about this.

Its like I said to my auntie last night - he has blown it for good. I deserve so much better and I do not intend to settle for less. Pete has lost out - I however have gained a lot more. I am really excited about becoming a mum and I am making great progress!

I have started to move on as well (no point putting life on hold) - I don't intend to jump into anything - but been on a couple of dates with a guy and just enjoying myself... well why not hey! :)

Thank you to all for your help and support on this; I will keep you posted as things progress further.

That is so good to hear Holly. Pete has lost out on a very beautiful experience. At least you are strong enough to experience this for yourself. In my opinion, and many others you are doing a great job and doing really well with everything. You are experiancing, such a wonderful experience. It is amazing. I would not miss that experience for the world. Anyway, always hoping for the best with you and your little one and as well as having fun and enjoying yourself.

"Its like I said to my auntie last night - he has blown it for good." - Totally - A lot guys aren't grown up until even age 35.

I don't get it - he has a chance to be with you AND his child!

There is someone out there for you - and you will know when it's the right fit.

You are a very samrt, mature woman.

Unfortunately you saw Pete's true colors. It's so weird, how you THINK you know someone... but in reality they may be leading you on... acting!. trying to be someone they are not.

I bet most of us have been through this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

I bet most of us have been through this.

Its comforting to know you are not alone. My first marriage lasted exactly one year. It was a milder version of the movie "Sleeping With The Enemy". I learned a lot the hard way and felt the hurt of it for some time afterwards. I was ashamed of it even and wouldn't speak of it for many years. Clearly I am over that haha! There is always a naïve element in love and trust that can be taken advantage of, which is why its wise to gooooo slooooow, see your partner from many angles, meet everyone who knows him/her, see him/her in lots of situations, etc and even then there simply is no guarantee. But once you know, its time to go! And Holly is definitely going now... cue the music for "Don't Rain On My Parade"! ;)