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Interesting links on what its like to be in relationship with someone with borderline personality / break up
How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A.
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder
These are some really great articles, and right on the money! Thanks for posting the links.
Yeah, good ones. Thanks.
Going to put those in my file.
I lived that crap too. Its good that you are digging.
Just make sure you balance that with fun.
Thanks for the insight VH and everyone else. It has been very helpful to vent here. Posting here instead of an email to her has been a life saver. Today is day 8 of NC and going strong. I feel these past few days went easier and easier... Looking forward to getting past my previous long of 16!
Good. Just stay NC & you have nothing to worry about. Don't ever falter.
Takes time. Use it well.
Most of us have been there at least once.
It gets better.
The difficulties for me are like sine waves, they peak with certain events that is a reminder of what could have been, and they are their low when I am busy distracted with important things in life. However, I have yet to go for a few hours without thinking about her.
The beautiful thing about these articles is that I have realized it is not about her really, it is about me who accepted the idealization of me and the relationship, and the subsequent "high" addiction that comes with it. So when it abruptly ended, it is feeling like a withdrawal.
That is a perfect depiction, I understand exactly what you are saying.Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistough75
Hopefully we both realize that we are addicted to doing things with a GF and having fun with someone special, and not this particular person.
Bingo, buddy. Glad to hear it!!
Listen, man. We all go through that rollercoaster of emotions.
That's going to continue for a while. But up to you how to control it.
Its funny, another persons unrelated thread here tonight sent me back to some deceitful actions of my ex.
I was thankful for that. I got clearer.
You will too.
Do you think its possible I have some borderline personality traits? I was becoming irritable, anxious, losing my temper, panic attacks, fear of abandonment...
But I think fear of abandonment is only natural when you feel the other person in the situation is too good to be true- that something isn't right.
Fear itself is natural, as it protects us, and ,makes us alert to danger, or if carried to extremes we get paranoid, so all human emotions are natural to us, but to what degree we have them, and how we deal with them is what defines our thoughts. And actions.
I became obsessed with the fear I guess, I just completely became overwhelmed with it. Fear of the next breakup, fear of her kissing another guy... I'm not happy with any of my actions taken during 2010. Thanks for the insight.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
So your fear is controlling you because you can't seem to control it.
Yep sounds like it.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Just read "Fear and anger are its responses to most powerful threats. When your body registers either emotion, some outside force is pushing against your boundaries.... An experience is creating stress, and that happens because instead of flowing through you, that experience has hit a barrier."
Hey outoftime,
Don't try to diagnose yourself, especially regarding BPD. This disorder is one of the most difficult to diagnose even for experts. I would not throw the term around loosely, so don't worry about it, but if you are concerned, see a psychiatrist whose specialty is BPD. Even in terms of my ex, I believe she was exhibiting some characteristics of BPD very strongly, but I can't be sure she was suffering from that disorder, because the traits have to be present for long period and pervasive. In my case, she professed her love to me in 3 weeks, called me her soul mate and idealized the relationship without ever seeing me first. I kept telling her that I have a lot of flaws, tried to lower the expectations, but she would have none of it, and then when we saw each other, the chemistry just was not there.
Anyway, I am working on the issues that were present in my relationship some of which had BPD tendencies. I am working on them to ensure that I don't fall in the same trap, and improve myself. Instead of worrying about whether you are suffering from the disorder, do the same. Analyze your mistakes, forgive yourself, and work on yourself so you don't make the same mistakes, whether it was obsessive behavior, or some other thing.
By the way, remember, those with BPD project a lot, and it is very possible that a partner of a BPD will sometimes show those tendencies after a while (FYI), not saying that is what happened to you.
" am working on them to ensure that I dont fall in the same trap, and improve myself. Instead of worrying about whether you are suffering from the disorder, do the same"
I couldn't agree more. Don't overanalyze.
I agree completely. The logic is coming to me, however slowly.
I for sure don't have BPD, as I saw my therapist again today. I did have some issues that tended to cause me to mirror her behavior.
Saw the therapist today.
- He said you do tend to mirror the other person in relationships.
- He said that the things that made me insecure would make any person insecure.
- He said you can't be perfect in any early relationship, you have to learn from it, and I'm so forgiving of her and not myself.
- He said why would I want something if it made me a worse person.
- He said the things I did were not as bad as what she did.
- He said I am definitely not borderline personality, maybe just clingy, but that is something I can look out for in the future.
- He said the intensity/dependency in this relationship will take a few months to move past.
Forgiving myself is now at the point where I am struggling with the most.
All he mentioned sounds right on to me.
"He said why would I want something if it made me a worse person"
That's an important one to realize & remember (applies to everything in life)
Healing takes time. You will come out of this a smarter & stronger person.
Stronger smarter no doubt.
Now to get rid of the guilt.
And someday reclaim the good memories.
You are right .
You will.
Ya know, emotions like guilt, jealousy, and others, are ones that I don't like having in my head or around me. But when then they do pop up, I let them in & try to understand why they are knocking at my door. Have a chat with them, then tell them "thanks, now see ya later"
There's always a reason why.
Like you mentioned, guilt and forgiveness go hand in hand.
We have all done, at some point, things that we may not be proud of & wish we could take back.
But, the best remedy is to be good, do good, and continue on a good path. All while being aware and open minded.
That's learning from our mistakes.
Because the past is the past.
Blaming yourself or anyone else will never help. Just a waste of mental energy.
When people say here that actions are what's important, its true. To make sure that your actions, from now on are ones that are pure, without guilt, just goodness.
Then, guilt won't rear its ugly head. And if it does, you will know why.
This breakup, I want you to know, is just one of many lessons you will learn from.
The more curveballs, the easier it is to cope, or knock them out of the park.
Wow excellent post. Thanks!
No prob.
You have to change you name from "outoftime"
To "allthetimeintheworld"
A bit long though...
Maybe "timeisonmyside"
Yeah.
Keep us up to dated on how things are going.
Day 12 nc.
Woke up feeling like sending a nice email , but came to my senses knowing I will only regret it later and it would only make it easier on her.
It's getting easier and easier to trust what other people are saying.
Even if I don't believe it in my heart, my head is taking over my actions.
Worst part now is realizing the monster I became- why did I let someone manipulate me? Why did I prioritize one person so much? Why did I get so much anxiety and fear over nothing? The answers to those questions have been somewhat found, and I don't like them. That's the issue now.
Forget the monster. She's gone.
I didn't particularly like what I discovered about my ex or myself either, but wanted to heal as fast as I could.
So I faced them with strength.
All of those questions lie within you. Ask them in your next therapy session.
And you are right when it comes to sending an email, one, she doesn't deserve it & two it will reinforce the power she had over you.
Glad you were strong. Keep it up.
I will admit, I am too eagerly looking forward to the day she comes back so I can reject her. Being painted crazy while also loving someone created the anxiety in me... The anxiety is gone now.
12 days in, I can't wait for 30.
She won't.
That's your job. To never let her.
By NC. Builds strength.
Chuff said to me when I was struggling:
"The opposite of love isnt hate, its indifference"
That's the ultimate retribution.
Can't wait for 30 either. Enjoy those next couple of weeks.
You may be surprised how fast they go.
Just be good & have fun. Don't beat yourself up.
I've heard that quote. That's my goal.
I've learned so much, so much.
I would be at 30 if I didn't break down 2 weeks ago.
Good lesson.
Today is actually Day 13. I miscounted. Still going.
Still had a delusion this morning that I could somehow make sense to her. But I believe what people say to me now. That it will do no good. If she is BPD, this is inevitable, I am a worse person with her. I can't save her if she is ill.
Yup. No longer your worry.
I've been posting on the BPD forum a bit. I basically adopted some traits as a defense mechanism.
I think I saw the warning signs how she used her ex-bf's to boost her ego. How she could never admit to being wrong. How I felt under appreciated. I felt something wrong- there is this girl obsessed in love with me wanting to marry me- but something was so insecure about it. Which is weird, right? TO get nervous when someone is professing undying love to you after 5 months of long distance dating? Ha
Stop diagnosing & start living.
She's gone, no longer in your life.
You are here.
The sooner you let her & this go, the sooner you can have peace of mind.
It's just she was convincing me I was the crazy one, it's been eye opening in therapy when I say things she said/did and the therapist basically laughts.
I was gaslit to believe I needed therapy from her. LOL she wanted to break up while I went to therapy to control my two text message anger outbursts. I have been wasting time lately on the fence on what was happening.
I am not proud of my actions, but I think she was crazy
Your still wasting your time on her.
Crazy or sane. Who cares? She's long gone.
Did you ever step back & think how many hours you are still spending on her? Trying to analyze every little thing? Why she STILL has such a hold over you?
Dude, its really time to let her go. For your own good.
Yeah complete waste of time, big time.
I've realized that the past no contact attempts I made, I got weak after about 2 weeks... The distance makes me feel better about her, and I get stronger. So today, at day 14, I realize I got to stick with it and get past this hump.
I looked back at my calendar, and thought about how I felt on certain days prior, and it is comforting to think how much better I am now than I was at the beginning. While it seems crappy, like going to a club last night without a girlfriend to dance with, it is by far better than where it was earlier onwards.
It is just a slow process, because I was literally driven temporarily crazy.
Well day 14 no contact. I am going to take a break from posting here for a few days because, I don't talk about it in life anymore (except with therapist and sometimes family), so will stop typing about it for a bit to stop re-enforcing it in my head.
18 days NC today.
Slight set back with old boss inviting me to her going away lunch tomorrow. I declined, am going to meet the old boss for lunch next week after the ex is gone.
21 days today
I would like some further feedback. The entire time of our relationship I was going through some undiagnosed illness that was keeping me from functioning normally, even though I tried to be normal. She was supportive at times for this, as this illness made my life a nightmare and the therapist said fueled the obsessive behavior because I was away from her and could not function in normal activities and was just left to talk to her.
In a way, her positive energy and support for me helped me through a rough year in my life.
Yesterday, was a day of great relief and shock to me as they found some protozoa infections in my intestines and liver which have been causing all kinds of problems for me. I am dying to share it with her, because she took the brunt of my suffering, and helped me through it.
Bad idea?
Anyway, this seems all meant to be. Before we broke up for good, I had given up on tracking down my health issue. The breakup jumpstarted my path to wellness.
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