There might be something seriously wrong with me. I read everyone's advice and know in my mind that this relationship (on then off, then on again, good then bad; then bad again) is making me miserable - whether it is because of her or just me or both of us. It's all I can think about.

So, last night, I had a short conversation with her about how I don't know if this is working for us based on some of the recent things that have happened to see what she would say. Her response was simply, "If you think you need to take some time apart, go ahead". That's it. No, you mean enough to me to work things out. Or, what can we do to fix it. Just, OK, if that's how you feel, then fine with me.

So, I tried to go to sleep and I couldn't. My heart was racing and my mind was spinning. I tried to think about all the good things that could potentially come in the future (not having to worry about trusting someone I don't trust, hopefully finding someone that truly cares about me and treats me right, etc.), but I couldn't. I tried to distract myself by watching comedy on TV. All that constantly kept coming back was overwhelming panic and sadness: how am I going to live the rest of my life and not have her as my wife or the mother of my children? A feeling that I just can't live without her. I dosed in and out of sleep all night waking up every hour - each time having a nightmare related to my x and waking up with a feeling of immense panic and depression.

Before I knew it, I was calling her at 6am - the time I knew she wakes up. Just to hear her voice. We talked briefly about nothing. She seemed upbeat,asked me if I still planned on seeing her this week (we had made plans to go to an event over the weekend) and told me she "loved me". This conversation alone is now the only reason I am not in sheer panic and sadness?

How is it possible that this one person can affect me so much? With just talking to her it can make my day go from awful to tolerable and temporarily alleviate the sadness until it comes back again from realizing that invetibly it will just come to an end.

Wonderlife, you're right. Without proof of her directly cheating (and her constant denials of doing anything wrong) or her telling me "she's done with me" and continuing to tell me she loves me and wants to see me; I can't find the strength to leave. When I think of the pain of not having her, it is just unbareable.

To make matters worse, I just graduated from grad school in August and was supposed to start working at a new job at the end of this month. They called today to tell me that the position is no longer available due to the downturn in economy. It is hard to stay positive with so much negative going on. The funny thing is; having her in my life and believing that she would have stood by me no matter what would have made this news OK. Now it feels like I truly have nothing.

I couldn't agree more.

"If you think you need to take some time apart, go ahead"

Not exactly a vote of confidence, now is it?

Take Homegirl50's advice.

You will find that you life is WAY better without her & this drama.

She says she loves you, still sees you, and you are madly in love with her.. Of course you can't walk away. Anyway, you would be more miserable without her. Sure, the smart thing to do would be to tell her to get lost. But you know you won't do that. So you might as well hang in there. She will dump you as soon as she finds someone else, you know that, but until then make every minute you spend with her count. You're only chance now is to get her so comfortable and dependent on you, she'll realize that you were the right guy all along.

I think you need to take a break from this woman and get some professional help.
You are sounding desperate and that is not attractive or healthy.

I don't doubt this girl cares for you but she is not as addicted to you as you seem to be to her or the idea of her.
As I see it you have two choices; you stick it out with her, with your doubts and phobias until she either gets tired and leaves you or finds someone else and leaves you, or you take a break and get your head back on straight. Things may work for the two of your later or you may find you're not in such "need" of her.
You are not a happy person. This woman does not make you happy, she is causing you stress. You are in a place you know you should not be.

And by the way Bill, don't expect her to give you any encouragement to stay with her. You think she wants you blaming her for leading you on if and when that day comes and she is done with you? Also, look at the bright side. I'm sorry that job didn't come through, but now that frees' you up to play nurse maid to her after she has her plastic surgery. That can go a long way in proving to her that you love her unconditionally. Just make sure you don't get sick cause somehow I don't see her sticking around unless there's something in it for her..

Bill, stop being her puppet.

The minute you cut those strings, you will be able to focus on your well-being. She's manipulating you.

You know why? Because you allow it, Then regret it.

If someone I cared about said to me "If you think you need to take some time apart, go ahead"
I would do it. For good.

That might as well be, "screw you."
She doesn't care. Just gets off on you being at her feet.

And once you do cut the strings, she will for sure come sniffing around to see if you are the same person that will fall to your knees for her.
Just like you always have.

But hopefully, by that time, you will have seen the light.

No longer her puppet.

Bill, be strong and really try to go on NC. I beg to get back with my ex and I too caught her texting with her colleague at wee hours and she said nothing is going to happen.

A few days after she broke up with me, she is with the colleague already that fast. I have never been so devastated before but yes, I'm a man and I cried almost a full week even when I am driving.

But then again, what the others have said is true. If she loves you. She will accept what ever good and bad. Or at least she could sit down and talk which in my case my ex didn't (She just left in a blink *).

Right now, I am sticking with NC even though my belongings are still at her place due to transportation. It made me heal better. At times though will think of her and all the good memories.

With that sad, I am suffering but this is the way it should be unless you don't love her. NC should be the way regardless of how the "break-up" started. Is all about healing yourself. Love yourself.