Ask Me Help Desk - Money...

Joe, like homegirl said, if she loved you she would have already made it a priority to establish a relationship with you and her kids. How do you know if you are even ready to be their stepfather?

I dated a single mother for over four years. I treated her little boy just like he was my own child. It was a package deal. We were whole. Even though he came first in her life, we were, even for just a block of time, a family. It just didn't work out, and I'm glad now.

This is by no means normal behavior.

You are just a source of funds for her. She threw something "magical" on you just often enough for you to be strung along.

We all want you to think about what has been said here. We are trying to help you see the damage that has been done. We don't have an hidden motive here. You came here for help. That's what we are doing.

One and a half years later, you are just an anonymous donor to her children. That should speak volumns.

And she tries to make you feel guilty for spending a few bucks, of your own money, on yourself. " I am having to move because YOU spent $--.-- on YOUR selfish self!!"

Life is not like this. Life can be so much more.

I found a wonderful woman because I would not settle on anything less than what I felt I could live with. I have so much to give. I deserved better than being mistreated. And trust me, I went through quite a few bad ones before I found an angel. It makes me appreciate her even more.

THAT'S what you need to tell yourself. "I DESERVE BETTER."

Say it. Learn it. Live it.

Quote:

Quote by KBC
You are now getting out from under the depression cloud you have been under for ?how long?? feelings and overall emotions are almost new again.

The increase of medication has accentuated this effect,the 'regular' you is now opening it's eyes.Life without the shaded glasses you've been wearing for how long is now at your grasp.

This new beginning may or may not include those things you were comfortable with during the depression life.

This analogy is also true for alcoholics, once a major wall is removed,the new path isn't the one always the one they thought it should be, including relationships.
I haven't read your other thread yet,but I will soon..

Hang in there, DON'T stop the medications, you'll just be back where you were before you started taking them, sometimes worse(I have been medicated fr the last 15 years or so with a track record of on and off meds during the first 3-4 years, doubts made things MUCH worse)

This is but one issue you have not mentioned in this thread, and I would like an update on as, talking to your doctor about your meds is crucial for effective therapy. Also maybe we all forget she was living with her ex when you met. Such a transition has a profound effect on her kids as to many men so close together sends them some confusing signals, especially if I remember right she was pregnant from the first guy, and living with the next at the time. That's a very tough situation, especially since you alluded to her being bi-polar earlier. This is a bit messy, with the adults having emotional issues, and maybe you both should have a 3rd party to help you out. Correct me if I am wrong, but maybe for different reasons, you two are TOO dependent on each other, and not independent enough to have a healthy relationship, without you both having the proper help and guidance.

You have us, but what help does she have except a support check, and a disability check. Accepting her condition is one thing, being qualified to help with what she needs is another.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

This is but one issue you have not mentioned in this thread, and I would like an update on as, talking to your doctor about your meds is crucial for effective therapy. Also maybe we all forget she was living with her ex when you met. Such a transition has a profound effect on her kids as to many men so close together sends them some confusing signals, especially if I remember right she was pregnant from the first guy, and living with the next at the time. Thats a very tough situation, especially since you alluded to her being bi-polar earlier. This is a bit messy, with the adults having emotional issues, and maybe you both should have a 3rd party to help you out. Correct me if I am wrong, but maybe for different reasons, you two are TOO dependent on each other, and not independent enough to have a healthy relationship, without you both having the proper help and guidance.

You have us, but what help does she have except a support check, and a disability check. Accepting her condition is one thing, being qualified to help with what she needs is another.

Hello again friend.

Here is the accurate account.

My depression is resolving itself quite nicely. Replaced by a sexual repression (annoying but I'm working on it). She wasn't pregnant with the first guy and living with the next, It was she got pregnant with my child a month and a half after we got together (and she stopped doing relationship things with him before we got together) but we lost the baby. It was sad but at the moment I am very glad I did not bring a baby into this world with her at the time. Yes she is bi-polar, and things with her are difficult, with us both having emotional issues its really hard sometimes.

However her bi-polar does not excuse poor treatment. I will try to get her to try couples therapy but I doubt she'll go for it. At the moment she seems to think everything is hunky-dory. Its like she doesn't look at the situation and analize it at all. The only time she knows something is wrong is when I bring it to her and then she does this whole (I thought everything was great) act and I am actually starting to believe that she does not really see the problems at all. Maybe if a 3rd party told her what she was doing toxic (along with myself that is) that maybe it might make an impact on us. Things may actually work out if we are going to couples therapy for a while. But one thing is for sure, I am not in any way ready to adopt a child with her. I do not want to be forced into this relationship and I do not want to be held there. Probably part of the reason I haven't pushed even harder for time with the kids.

I am already attached enough to those kids and its already hard to think about leaving them. Her daughter and I just click. Her son and I are beginning to understand each other. Remember he is autistic and is a hard little boy to get to know. I do get some time with them, when we first started dating I got a lot of time with them, but now its almost none. I really hate it, I feel like a father ripped away from his kids. I treat them as my own and I always have, whenever I'm given the chance. But for some reason she is keeping me at a distance from them and it sucks. Then again like I said, I don't need to be held to this relationship by them. We are far too volitile to make any certain plans.

Do I think things will get better when and if we live together? Yes, because then I am not always waiting on her ques. But honestly I am going to talk to her tonight about our relationship and tell her we need to go see a counselor. I am tired of being the one that folds. Its not my job to fold all the time, its my job to know what to do and when to do it. Its my job to be part of the decision making and dang it all I am getting my kayak (that is trapped in the Ex's house still and the Ex won't give it up) even if I have to scream and yell to get what I want. And that is the major problem right there, I always have to beg, scream, or yell to get what I want.
\
That Kayak was a birthday present last July. I still haven't even seen it because she went against my advice and brought it over there. I told her not to and that I would never see it again. But I just figured out how to get her to get her butt on it. I told her I would buy myself one this weekend if I didn't get it. Because I have planned this trip for like a week and a half now based souly around me getting my kayak. I am tired of waiting for it and I made sure she knew it. I am so annoyed by all of this that I am more than willing to take my whole paycheck this week to buy myself a new kayak. In that I found her weakness. She needs my money for things, if she can't get the kayak she don't get the money. That's all there is to it. Then things start falling apart even faster and she knows it will happen. I am even being a jerk about it. I said "Do I not deserve my present? Do I have to beg for it? Haven't I asked you enough?!" To which she replied, "You'll get it. I'll go back and try to get it tomorrow!" She was angry but she knew I was right. I said "yeah try, but I'm not holding my breath. This always happens. You say you'll do somehting and then for one reason or another you don't do it and I look like an idiot. I am done with that Tammie." We went back and forth but basically I was doing all the shouting. She was just trying to get me to stop.

Finally she says that she is sorry that she couldn't get it for the day I wanted it and she would do everything in her power to get it tomorrow. I said sorry for yelling at you but you'd do much worse to me.

Basically I am starting to stand up for me and stopping the crap taking. She knows that she gets that Kayak tomorrow or I will stop coming over (starting tomorrow night) and I will stop paying bills. She does need my help, and I hate to say this but honestly I want my kayak before I make her let me move in. Once I get it, I can push my weight around a bit more. If she isn't going to let me move in, I am going to give her the ultimatum and if she doesn't let me at that point I am keeping all of my money and getting my own place. If that kayak isn't here within two more days, I am doing the whole rest of the process then. I am done waiting around. It is my turn dang it.

Yeah tal, that kayak I was so happy to be going out in for today (tuesday day) She just told me that she couldn't get it and he said he won't get it down from the rafters. I was like use a step ladder or I can go get it myself. Of course I wouldn't go over there cause homes would try to fight me and I don't want any of that crap. But still, Kayaks are not heavy things, it should not be that hard to get up there and push it down. These rafters (btw) are like 9 feet up. She could push it down with a broom for pete sakes. So long as something broke its fall it would be fine. But fact of the matter is I WANT MY KAYAK! What is so hard to understand about that. If He won't get it down, then its time to ask another person for help. Its not that hard to find a tall person, they are everywhere. All it takes is a step ladder, honestly. And I know the guy has a ladder too so I wasn't taking the excuses. She is a woman not an invalid. Women can do everything men can and she lets her sex hold her back too much. She thinks a big strong man has to do all the heavy work. Sorry but she has arms too.

All for equal treatment here! Ok now I'm ranting again but this time I'm not just going to give in and let it go. I want my kayak, it may be selfish, but too bad. Its mine and I should have gotten it a long butt time ago.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Larken85

I want my kayak, it may be selfish, but too bad. Its mine and I should have gotten it a long butt time ago.

Selfish?? Why selfish , I'm sure you work darn hard for everything you have like the rest of us , good for you , I agree with you.

Life's too short to not enjoy what you work hard for.

Yeah, you're right. I do deserve it. Even if it is a present I have done a lot for her and she should do everything in her power to either get me my kayak or buy me another one.

But I am not willing to wait for her to get into the position to buy another one, I am in the position right now so why wiat? She can either give me mine or buck up not having my money. That's all there is to it.

How about figuring out what you really want to do with your life and finding a way to get paid for that. That way you will actually enjoy working, and maybe you could even get paid more for it.

Oh god does that sound good eyebright. I wish I could get paid for being outdoors. (a DNR officer or a Federal Park Ranger) It would be such a huge treat. I'd love that type of work. Its just hard to get. Now being an econimic down time these people are losing their jobs, not hiring. But I can go to school for it, I should do so actually. It would be fun to get back into school.

So your kayak is 'being held hostage'?

Thays a new one-I'd laugh if it wasn't sooo sad.

Go buy a new one-or hire one for an outing.

And seriously look into further education.

I know, I can't believe it either. Its my property (or rather hers until she actually hands it over). She has a legal right to get the thing and its ticked me off for the last time in all honesty. I gave her hell for it.

Yes, I like the idea of furthering my education, it's a good idea and I think I will seriously start looking into it again

And get a new kayak!!

OK OK don't yell amicon. Wow. I still think she should buy me another one having failed to produce the one she promised but hey, I can buy my own, no big. They aren't all that expensive.

Speaking of which I think I will go check some prices online.

(Not yelling-just banging my head on the desk... )

Good thinking,find a nice one and treat yourself.

Lol sorry. But OK, I was sitting here working for a bit and all I can think about is yelling at her for all of this. Blaming her for all of this and doing so vocally. I should probably handle it better than that right? I should calmly tell her that I am unhappy and discuss this like adults right? Because like I was saying, all I want to do is yell very very loud.

Holy crap those things can get expensive!! For one that's good at all I mean. Maybe I should buy one on Ebay or something

I think you are going to find out that the kayak has been sold.

Why else the delay? Why is it at his house anyway?

Has he been using it?

This is just another one of her demerits. She's in the hole- big time.

It's there cause she bought it while she still lived there. I told her not to bring it back there but she did it anyway. Because she never listens to me. Now its trapped there because he knows its mine and he knows how angry I am going to get at her for this. He thinks its going to break us up if I keep getting jacked over and honestly its working. He is causing me a load of problems and now that she has moved out he is trying even harder. Its ticking me off. I shouldn't have to deal with this bs

Quote:

Originally Posted by Larken85

its there cause she bought it while she still lived there. I told her not to bring it back there but she did it anyways. Because she never listens to me. Now its trapped there because he knows its mine and he knows how angry I am going to get at her for this. He thinks its going to break us up if I keep getting jacked over and honestly its working. He is causing me a load of problems and now that she has moved out he is trying even harder. Its ticking me off. I shouldn't have to deal with this bs

You said you never saw the Kayak, maybe she never bought one. How did she brought it over there in the first place. Her story doesn't add up according to what you said. I would be very careful. She said she got nothing to do with her ex anymore but you'll never know. Have you ever thought maybe her and her ex are conning you?

Another reason I could think of why she won't let you move in is, if the gov. find out you live together they won't give her that money.

Also if she got child support from her ex, he'll cut it off because he would expect you to be the provider.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Larken85

lol sorry. But ok, I was sitting here working for a bit and all I can think about is yelling at her for all of this. Blaming her for all of this and doing so vocally. I should probably handle it better than that right? I should calmly tell her that I am unhappy and discuss this like adults right? Because like I was saying, all I want to do is yell very very loud.

You don't need to tell her how unhappy you are, she knows. And you don't need to yell at her for doing anything to you, you let her do it.

Don't give her anymore money and she'll be gone any way.
The only thing you need to tell this lady is "you're done and good-bye"

Quote:

Originally Posted by Larken85

yeah, you're right. I do deserve it. Even if it is a present I have done a lot for her and she should do everything in her power to either get me my kayak or buy me another one.

But I am not willing to wait for her to get into the position to buy another one, I am in the position right now so why wiat? She can either give me mine or buck up not having my money. Thats all there is to it.

You remind me of the cute little puppy that wiggles its tail and shows its belly to the abusive master that beats it with its own toy.

A lot of people don't consider mental abuse actually abusive. They think its always a mind game. Mind games are abusive.. especially the ones she's playing with you.

Do you honestly believe her that the guy she lived with WHILE DATING YOU is holding YOUR gift hostage? I don't.

Every day its something new. Everyday she tells you another lie. Every days she plays with your head and your emotions.

If she loved you, she would have gotten the gift for you. Why would this other guy keep a kayak at his house for an ex girlfriend? Don't you think that sounds a bit absurd? I do.

You shouldn't have to threaten your money for your gift from her. Have you ever stopped and actually read what you wrote? That's ridiculous! There should be NO negotiation whatsoever.

Every day there is a new issue. A new problem.. and a new reason to give her a reason to treat you badly.

BREAK UP WITH HER AND LEAVE!

Joe, I think you and your girl should get your own reality show. I mean, it's entertaining to see this story unfold. I wish you could see how crazy this looks from down here.

I feel for you, but damn!

Larken,

I'm sorry... what was the question again? Lol

You started this thread almost 2 months ago! Everyone has been giving you great advice.

I think it's time to decide is this really the person you want to be with?

Heck, you're not even married, and there is this many problems!

Do you know what I mean?

Is this girlfriend/fiance the same girlfriend/fiance who is a stripper? Does she work but it's off the books?

Every post fills in a little more info/background.

JudyKayTee agrees: You can't be abused and mistreated over and over again unless you put up with it.

This should be made into a quote.

Larken, is she still holding out on the sex? From the infection? Has it really been since last JULY?

And is she a dancer? A retired dancer?

Okay I'll bite, where does he say anything about a stripper?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Okay I'll bite, where does he say anything about a stripper?

Here Tal , different thread...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post2329684

Sorry its been so long sine I was on this thread. THat was bad of me. Um, yes she was a stripper back when she lived in Florida. She isn't holding out on sex anymore though its still not up to as much as I would like I can live with the amount we have.

Her and I got into a huge fight over that stupid kayak. It wasn't about the kayak at all really but that's what step me off. Really she wasn't fighting back either, she just took it. Finally I calmed down when she got really depressed about it and I felt that she finally heard me for the first time and now she is being very, agreeable.

When I got my check today she wouldn't ask for money but when I asked her about bills she said, You don't have to give me money. I did anyway as I knew she was hurting pretty badly. She made no fuss when I took out the rent for my mother either, which is something new.

I'm not saying she changed over the course of one night, but I told her we could either break up, or go see a therapist. She quickly decided she would go see a couple's therapist with me. She said, "You're worth everything to me. I will do anything to keep you." Got to say that made my heart sink, but I am not being soft about things. Our relationship needs help if it is to survive. That's all there is to it. And I told her I cannot stuff my issues down inside any more because I eventually blow up every time.

She respects that I will be telling her how I feel from now on and that's what we both got to do.

Thank you all for your responses, hard truths to hear, and just all around good advice. I will try one last time (I made sure she knew this was the last try) with a therapist and if we cannot figure out how to become more copastetic, then its time to call it quits.

She spent all of last night holding me tight to her body. Any time I even blinked for longer than usual she asked what was wrong. Seems like she is really finally starting to see the light and see that she cannot just run everything about me. I think she is finally realizing how much she needs me, not the other way around.

Last Tuesday (the night of our fight) I held out on sex myself. She wanted me to spend the night with her (which honestly I would have if I wasn't falling asleep standing up, but I said I can't tonight. She told me I'd get booty and I said not tonight, I'm too tired. And that's were that one led. Guess we'll know more in a few weeks.

You're hooked.

What can I say other than... YOU ARE SCREWED.

We'll be seeing you here often.

Good luck.

Probably right, but like I said, this is the last time. If the therapist doesn't work, it's a no go. I suggested it, that's what she said I'm worth everything for. I asked her if she thought it was worth it we could go to a therapist. If we don't learn how to communicate better and work through our issues, we won't last long.

She even agreed that we will either make it or break it this year. So yeah, that's what it is I guess. Sorry jmjoseph. I'm a broken record

You are going to couples(marriage, basically) counseling BEFORE you get married. That's like someone having extensive repairs done on an automobile BEFORE they buy it, not knowing what the future holds for him, and not knowing how reliable the vehicle will be.

I know that women are NOT like cars, but I just think in analogies.

It's probably a Southern thing...

You need to work on yourself esteem.

You must think that you don't deserve better. Or you might think that you can't find anyone else.

You do whatever you want, it's your life. I must say that you a hard headed young man. Some would call it tenacity. I call it insanity. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

WHACK,WHACK,WHACK.

Ouch, harsh but true. That is a good point. If we need to fix the relationship before we get married, then what about when we get married. It will be hell... crap

Quote:

Originally Posted by Larken85

She spent all of last night holding me tight to her body. Any time I even blinked for longer than usual she asked what was wrong. Seems like she is really finally starting to see the light and see that she cannot just run everything about me. I think she is finally realizing how much she needs me, not the other way around.

Last Tuesday (the night of our fight) I held out on sex myself. She wanted me to spend the night with her (which honestly I would have if I wasn't fallin asleep standing up, but I said I can't tonight. She told me I'd get booty and i said not tonight, I'm too tired. And thats were that one led. guess we'll know more in a few weeks.

I think she sees her meal ticket walking out the door -

And as far as withholding sex from her - once you start playing mind games, it's over!

This lady is playing with you. See senses you are getting fed up so she is pacifying you.
You sound like a child begging for attention from an abusive parent and makes excuses for the abuse.

You need to get some counseling for yourself so you can gain the confidence to get out of this totally dysfunctional relationship.

24 pages, and 237 posts.

You know what a counselor will say to you. That he can not fix things up for you. You need to be able to start the changes in your life and once you start making changes and seeing progress it is you that is making changes and positive ones.

Now if for some reason counseling does not work it is not necessarily the counselors fault because the counsel-lee is the person that needs to in act in the changes and possible advice from the counselor if not then changes will not happen and you will stay stuck.

The counseling from all of us is not working. Honestly because your not willing to make any changes. Counseling works just like a relationship. Things are suppose to go two ways. The counselor gives advice or suggestions and listens but as well the counsel-lee needs to in act on what he or she thinks would be the best course of actions. Even if it is small changes in acted.

Counseling is not going to work for yourself if your not willing to take ideas and thoughts to heart and your not willing to make any kind of changes for yourself.

But in the end the only changes that can be made are by yourself. Not by the counselor.

A third party is a good idea to guide you through the process of understanding, and learning to communicate. Only then can you identify, or take the steps to get the issues out, and go about resolution. This is hardly an over night fix by any means, just a good way to get focused on what's important, and what works for you both.

That's progress in my book, whether the relationship survives or not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I think she sees her meal ticket walking out the door -

And as far as withholding sex from her - once you start playing mind games, it's over!

Seems to me this was over LONG AGO. Just someone doesn't seem to realize it.

I cannot disagree, but some take longer than others to get through the process of making those life changing decisions, for themselves.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I cannot disagree, but some take longer than others to get thru the process of making those life changing decisions, for themselves.

The thing is there has been no process started. Like I said counseling will only work if there is a willing participant to make the change needed to improve on life. That is how most counselors work. Have experience in that area.

Well perhaps if he does counseling it will help. And I think he will do that when he is ready. It takes more than a few months to undo possibly a life time of an unhealthy mentality.
Everyone functions at a different pace.