Ask Me Help Desk - I need advise, please help

Don't ever regret this life you chose for yourself. It is part of your journey in life and all that leads up to now, is what defines you as a person (your history).

Be more self forgiving. People make mistakes. Use this as a valuable learning experience to improve the next person that walks into your life.

Do the things you've always dreamed of and wanted to and be happy being single for now and you will find someone else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

I understand Talaniman, Its not that I need her or another to be happy, however its natural for us all to want somebody in our lives.
I completely understand, more than you know. Finding that partner for life is a journey where you will meet many possibilities. Life changes things though, and you must make the adjustments so you can see your options, and opportunities, in a clear fashion. It appears your adjustment is to accept the changes, and seek your options.
Its just in this particular instance where I have made a mistake in letting someone go, who I should not of and assuming the person would alway be available to me. I have found it very difficult to deal with the fact the person is closed off to me and that our time has no value to her, the person who wanted to marry me (pushed for this).
Values change as needs and wants change, and they are also dependent on the person. You are assuming she has no value of you or the time spent. Thats an assumption, and it would be more to the point that she has a great deal of value for you, but not enough to continue down the same path as you. See the difference?
Whilst in the recent communication I have had with her, I took the liberty of apologizing for my inappropriate behavior toward her when she met another (I could not handle the fact that all our time had no value to her). It stills leaves me with a sour aftertaste and I cannot for the life of me understand how you can go from loving someone enough to want to marry them and the person not mistreating you, to go to it meaning nothing at all.
Thats another assumption on your part. For one it takes a lot more than just good treatment to follow someone for life. For another thing, its not that you mean nothing to her, but again it was not enough. Are you beginning to see how your assumptions have led you down some really unrealistic paths yet. Things changed, from being great, to not so great, so she decided to change course for herself. That means some adjustments, not more presuming her motives, or values, as obviously she has values to how she feels, and acts as well. Have you never experienced your feelings changing?? You will eventually.
There was as you can imagine so much I really wanted to say (good & bad) but I could not. If the past has no meaning or value to her what would be the point. And why does she not have so much to say to me? Is there no answers she needs from me?
Sometimes in life, you get your answers, but don't want to accept them. So you ignore them. Thats what you have hear, her actions speak volumes and you refuse to accept, or understand what she is saying, her feelings have changed and she is going down another path, and its no longer about you, but about her and what she wants now.
I guess I am just mixed up as to the way to deal with this situation - Was an apology a wise thing or will this be taken in a negative way, was saying that we should not keep in touch as bad memories a good or bad thing ? When in reality I so do want to keep in touch and want her to know I regret not settling down with her. But is telling her that a wise thing, because since she has chosen this route, she now has two kids to another man. This I could not forgive.
There is nothing to forgive her for, and you have spoken your piece. Your in shock over the rejection, and the sudden changes to your life, and thats okay, as humans need time to process the things they experience and regroup and heal. Thats where you are, at a sudden fork in the road, and now you must decide which path to take. Give it some thought, thats your healing, so you can look forward and decide which way to go.
Surly she must of known, since I never mistreated her, that I am not a bad man or since we were together a long time, this time which had lots of great times must of had / have some value to her. She must of known the bad handling of the situation was simple due to me losing someone I care deeply about (I told her this).
She knows all that, and will have good memories of the good time she enjoyed with you. Honestly we all feel that way after we get rejected/dumped. What matters is how we deal with it and thats whats important.
I need some clear headed guidance in this ! A help to let me see the wood from the trees

Life throws many things at us all the time, that goes for everyone. Thats not the important thing, thats a given, thats just life. What matters is how we deal with the situation we find ourselves in. How we cope with it, and ourselves, so we can continue on our journey thru the mysteries of life. You never know what tomorrow brings, but for sure whether today was good or bad, you have to let it go and deal with a new day.

Stop dwelling on what she does, for herself, and focus on what you do for yourself! Thats how you see the path that goes thru the forest of trees.

I want her back

I so miss what I had, I so miss her wanting me, never thought it would go to the point where she does not want to keep in touch.

I wished to god I had realised what I was doing...

Done now, but hurts so much...

( Can't believe it was all for nothing, nothing to show for it, not even kids).

Can't believe she is happy with this !

Even though spoke briefly, I can't even tell her because she would not want to know... What an error... Ouch!!

1) You can't keep living in the past.
2) You can't force someone to be with you if they don't feel the same way.

The longer it takes for you to accept this reality, the longer it will take for you to heal from this experience.

Learn from your mistakes so that you will be a stronger person in the future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

1) You can't keep living in the past.
2) You can't force someone to be with you if they don't feel the same way.

The longer it takes for you to accept this reality, the longer it will take for you to heal from this experience.

Learn from your mistakes so that you will be a stronger person in the future.

Just can't understand why she does not have questions. Staying friends seems to of allowed her to wein herself off me... I didn't realise. Aaaargh !

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

Just can't understand why she does not have questions. Staying friends seems to of allowed her to wein herself off me... I didn't realise. Aaaargh !

She doesn't have questions because she either:

1) has all the anwers that she wants; or
2) doesn't care what the answers are.

You got to let it all go. It will just cause you misery. There's no reason for you to suffer.

Please read my signature line. It made me think of you.

Why are you over her? Give some more details if you want help that's at least a little unique to your situation.

You can't move forward if you're always looking back. If you look towards the future, then you can see the new beginning

You really need to pull yourself together. This is life. My favorite quote is this: "It is what it is." Cold hearted, but fact.

It sucks... lots of things suck in life. Balancing the good with the not so good is what we have to do on a daily basis. Live for yourself, not for someone who doesn't want you.

The key in life is to learn to want what you have, and need what you want... (sounds confusing, but it really isn't)

Is this her?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...elp-45308.html

No different girl - the one that got away.

Just a painfull rant over mistake made...

You will make mistakes through life. The only time when a mistake is unacceptable, is when you don't learn from it.

Learn from this mistake and keep moving forward.

Sick & Tired

Hi All.

I am sick and tired of feeling regret and pain over losing an ex who whilst she said the words her actions have demonstrated our time meant nothing to her.

I can't help but wish I had gone down the road with her, but this is stupid to feel this way about someone who never cared for me!!

I just don't want to feel this way. I wish I had never went out with her. So much deceit !

Any advice.

(Its been years and I still feel the same).

Are you relying on someone else to make you happy??
Maybe your time did mean something to her and her actions are just saying it's time she moved on... It doesn't mean that she didn't feel everything she said...
I am just now ending a very long relationship.. I don't regret most of the time with him and I know that even though our actions are clearly telling each other we're done.. I know it did mean the world to both of us at some point...
It's time you forgot about the pain and don't be afraid to jump right back in... there is no other way to do it... but you have to make yourself happy first... It's too much to ask for somebody else to do it for you... but hey... goodluck with that whole no contact thing... haha..

What was that last post? You are probably staying in contact with her some way or another and you are not able to move on. It is time to stop ALL contact and take care of yourself. Be selfish and do the things YOU want. You'll soon see things in a different light.

It's really just a matter of choice. You can choose to hold on to regret and pain and continue to wonder what might have been, or you can choose to let it go and get over it.

What's the point of focusing your energy and thoughts on something in the past that you can't change? You can't change the fact that it did happen. You did go out with her and there was deceit, so think about what the lessons are for you rather than stewing about it.

Let it go - make the effort to stop thinking about it. Make an effort to stop letting what happened eat into your mind and soul. Focus on the present and the good things in your life. Focus on your work, your friends, your interests. Focus on enjoying the life and the gifts that you have.

You can change, you can move on, you will have a better life because you had this experience.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

Hi All.

I am sick and tired of feeling regret and pain over losing an ex who whilst she said the words her actions have demonstrated our time meant nothing to her.

I can't help but wish I had gone down the road with her, but this is stupid to feel this way about someone who never cared for me !!!.

I just dont want to feel this way. I wish I had never went out with her. So much deceit !

(Its been years and I still feel the same).

Eureka ! Now I have it, I will do No Contact before I ever meet them, then they will not hurt me....lol
Reply With Quote

So, you know now that logic won't work. You can't let go of your regret and pain because that's a good idea, or even because you feel sick and tired of feeling this way. You also feel that "her actions have demonstrated our time meant nothing to her," she is "someone who never cared for me (you)," and in the relationship there was "So much deceit!"

You've got me convinced that she deceived you. But wait! There is something else, your Eureka! moment. The word "they" jumps out.

Who are "they?"

If you answer "women," or "a certain kind of woman," please consider the possibility that at least half of whatever happened in this relationship happened because of your pattern with "them." No blame there, just the thought of owning your share of responsibility. If you have had similar experiences in other relationships, maybe you aren't the innocent victim you feel yourself to be. Maybe you are co-producer. It's just a thought.

It would be great to finally relieve your ongoing suffering. How many years? If you solve the puzzle of discovering and rewiring your relationship pattern, meaning that you identify what you do that contributes to bad relationships, your pain will diminish in proportion to the changes you make in the pattern. Make big changes and you can dump a lot of baggage in the Relating With Women department; you'll feel very relieved and new relationships can take a better path. Make small changes and you'll feel a little better.

The first milestone would be to be free of your regret and pain regarding her. The second would be to be able to have much better relationships going forward. In the process, you get to understand yourself better.

Or, digging deeper into this direction would be a waste of time. She did you wrong and you have to suffer some more before you finally let go of all this. Are you a reader? I'll recommend some books. Want help with introspection? A good therapist can help a lot. Want to work on yourself in this forum? Start by describing your history with women as you understand it.

Tao

I won't patronise or teach you lessons. You are right! This really is sh!t of a feeling. I know what you're through and it's been almost 3 year for me either. It keeps you wondering how the hell she regrouped so fast into an entirely different being. Yeah, you long to hear from her but can't stand the news about her. Oh well. But Tao is right. You'll suffer more before it's finally enough. My sympathies and best of luck to you!

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

If your so sick, and tired why haven't you done anything about it?

What have you done for yourself besides torture yourself, over and over again.

You have been given a lot of advice, but have you taken it?

Talk to me, tell me about the work your doing for yourself? Or are you just having a bad day?

I am shocked !

Just seen a photo of a long ago ex, with the lad she chose over me. This is someon, who I have pined for.

I can't believe I allowed myself to get hung up on her! She is nothing special to look at, but what makes it worse is her lad is ugly... Now that's a slap in the face... Shocked !

Times like these where you realize not everythings about looks which is how it should be. Let her and her "ugly" lad be happy =]

Such he reason we get over and move on.

But also remember looks is nothing in a relationship,they come and go

No need to concern yourself with her choice of partners anymore. You do not have a say in wo she is with and who is good looking enough for her. Just let her be. If she is happy with that guy then that's good enough.

If you'd like to feel better about yourself, just think that she couldn't find another guy like yourself, someone "goodlooking", so she just went with what she could find.

Good luck... and try to move on from this... and her...

Looks/attractiveness are in the eyes of the beholder... Anold saying but very true.

It is normal to feel SOMETHING when you see an ex with someone new. Your feeling sounds very normal to me...

A funny quirck of mine is that for some strange reason I always imagine that my BF's exes must be absolutely stunning. The same goes for when I meet someone's partner. I am often shocked because they don't meet my bizarre and high expectations. They are always more normal than I had expected.I suppose this has something to do with the fact that Western Culture is obsessed with physical attractiveness, and this is how worth is often measured.

Let your ex be happy with her chosen partner... Don't compare or think too much about it.