Haha...
Well you are both acquainted with the situation right?
I'll make it simple though. He has this habit of talking to girls he doesn't even know, and I mean its not just hi, how are you? In fact one of them was more like.. Are you the person that came in the store?" One, he cheated on me. Two he and I are miles apart. Three the only thing we can do for each other at the moment is make one another feel comfortable. He cheated with a girl that was a good friend. This inhibits my ability to trust him with girls who he befriends that have absolutely no relation to his life. I could understand if it was a coworker, fellow student, club member etc. Some of the girls are like 3 years younger than him from high school and he would take active interests in their lives. I mean I certainly do befriend people Ive only SEEN once walking by and unundate them with questions gallore. So what is going on here? I don't know. I think he is either interested in these girls on more than just a friend level. Ive had guys friends before and most of them do not care to go on about things that usually girls discuss among each other. Do I want this to work. Yes. But its psychologically distressing when things that I thought we had put an end confront us again head on. I either will end up walking away or go insane. Not quite sure which one..

Honey if he keeps cheating on you, chances are that it's not going to stop, and you're going to keep feeling distressed. I think you really need to evaluate this. If he loved you, He wouldn't do this to you. There's really no excuse for it.

I don't think that any single woman will be enough for this guy, at least not for a long time. He likes the attention and the pleasure he gets from it, and he clearly values it more than he values you or your relationship. Sure, he talks sweet, But do his actions REALLY back it up? THink hard, It seems he puts on an act to build your trust and then just goes back to doing whatever.
Clearly he does not consider your feelings when he does these things.

I know that it's important to work on trust issues, my boyfriend and I have our own also, but we make sure that we don't make the same mistakes and we try hard to just do right by each other.

Your guy is not doing this for you. I guarantee that there's one that WILL in this world somewhere.

Really, consider it.

You have such a storied history with this guy,
Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

One issue after another. This can't be fun. How much distance are we talking about?

Honestly, I think your running head first into a brick wall.

You are wasting your time with this guy.

He is a cheater to the core.

Go find a man that will be true to you.

Why spend so much time forcing a relationship to work?

Free yourself of this mess you think is love.

j_ely, considering the number of your threads I have read and participated in, I am going to give you this piece of advice: FORGET him.

You don't trust him. You think he has issues with your looks. You don't seem to be getting anywhere with the relationship other than more upset. That is just the tip of the iceberg

Let it go and let yourself heal.

You have tried. You need to stop putting so much energy into keeping this relationship alive and put it into moving on.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by j_ely823

Why do men/guys repeat the same mistakes, over and over and over again?? I dont understand it.

---

Because you allow it by staying with him , this guy has given you so much grief and he'll keep doing it because he knows you won't do anything about it.

Time to dump his sorry A55 and find someone that'll treat you with the respect you deserve.

Hello J,

Have you ever heard that old saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Seriously, you need to move on! Stop wasting any more seconds of you little life and call him, and end it, like now! Sorry to seem so rude about it. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!

You may be a cool chick, so leave him and find another who will treat you with respect! Good luck.

Umm... in this case I can't agree with the adage "once a cheater, always a cheater", because I hope that j_ely has learned that just because he did doesn't mean she should (I know he did it twice, you only did it once).

j_ely, both of you have made mistakes. You have tried to fix the ones you can and to rebuild his trust in you. Unfortunately, he hasn't put in the same amount of work. There comes a time when you need to help yourself by letting go.

I agree with everyone else. You are the one doing all the suffering and hoping he will change while he is doing all the cheating. This is not healthy for you and clearly he doesn't feel the same way about you as you do for him.
Sometimes you put so much effort in a relationship that you think it s hard to let go, but letting go is sometimes the easiest thing to do. I have done that mistake before. I tried to stay in it and tried to fix things or make her change things but that was because I was to scared to leave. DO NOT DO THE SAME MISTAKE... walk away and don't turn back

I would like to think that cheaters can change there ways, that it scared them so much doing it and reparcussions after were so awful they would never dream of doing it again... its not always the way though.

I have been cheated on and no matter how much you love them you lose that trust, you can try and try to make it work and build it back up again but if they are not trying the trust is even less.

He should be doing everything in his power to re assure you of his feelings and the regret he has for what he done to you, showing you he is trustworthy. If he isn't then its time to say goodbye because it won't end and you will go mad... take it from someone who went mad with it!

If a relationship becomes a job, why continue to go to work?

Not sure I get what romes saying. You do need to work at relationships, they have ups and downs, good days and bad days, lots of compromise. The person out there that says they don't need to work at theirs and is happy is a very lucky person indeed!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by j_ely823

Why do men/guys repeat the same mistakes, over and over and over again?? I dont understand it.

---

I think you do understand.

He's not making mistakes, he's making decisions. He knows exactly what he's doing, he just doesn't care how his choice may affect you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by destiny09

Not sure i get what romes saying. You do need to work at relationships, they have ups and downs, good days and bad days, lots of compromise. The person out there that says they dont need to work at theirs and is happy is a very lucky person indeed!

---

There is a big difference between working together as a couple to keep a relationship viable and one person doing all the work to try to keep it going. If the relationship starts feeling like you are going to work and not getting paid (wages in this case being support from your partner), then it is time to get out before the stress and strain destroy what little self-worth you have left.

In the case of j_ely and her boyfriend, there are multiple threads dealing with her doing all the work and he continues to do his own things. Like she is in the relationship and he isn't.

Ok, I get it now... I have had that relationship and have recently resigned!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by destiny09

Not sure i get what romes saying. You do need to work at relationships, they have ups and downs, good days and bad days, lots of compromise. The person out there that says they dont need to work at theirs and is happy is a very lucky person indeed!

---

Believe me, I know you have to work at relationships. But when you have as many problems as this relationship has, it becomes like a job(work) to even stay afloat, let a lone happy. This relationship has been broken, far beyond repair. No trust=no relationship, and that's what she has.

Every relationship needs work, but when you have to go to work every day, it's really not worth it. Sure arguing is going to happen, but if you spend every day worrying about what tomorrow will bring, do you really think you should be pursuing?

I do get it now. I think its very accurate.

Like I said I resigned my job!

I wonder what j_ely823 has to say about this. Any input hun?

I am in the most difficult situation when it comes to my relationship. I don't understand what is so wrong with him or me that neither of us can completely overcome our misfortunes and split. Not that I don't care about him, not that I wasn't ever enough in love with him. I just think he doesn't satisfy me anymore. And the truth is, its really not all his fault. I want to say it's a matter of emotional/mental capacities. I am a soft-hearted person and the moment I fell in love with him, I was all in it for him. He, on the other-hand was still in love with his best friend and so he said a few things that sparked ideas in my head. To make a long story short, my self-esteem was smashed; smashed so much so that even when he tells me things like he loves me and Im amazing, blah blah... I just can't seem to let it process. I tell myself that I forgive him, because I want to so that we can move on. Now, I'm thinking to myself, is it possible that Im just making up this extensive lie from within so as to placate the siutation? I mean is it plausible that there are just things you can never let go of. Yes you may forgive the person, but you will never get over what they did? And yes I cheated on him too, which in no way was to get revenge because in all honesty, It was for myself--because I know how fragile I am, and giving so much of myself to one person only for them to betray my love is almost debilitating to my soul. Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm just venting right now, because I am extremely frustrated with him. I know I felt a heck of a whole lot better about myself then I've been feeling for almost an entire year. How does one make themselves feel better about the person they are when they are still in the relationship with the person that destroyed the little sanity and self-esteem and self-worth you had? HELP ME PLEASE! I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO OD MY nerve/pain tranquilizers

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by j_ely823

I dont understand what is so wrong with him or me that neither of us can completely overcome our misfortunes and split. Not that I dont care about him, not that I wasnt ever enough in love with him. I just think he doesnt satisfy me anymore.

---

So what about initiating a split? It sounds like it would be a relief for you.

OD MY nerve/pain tranquilizers

I hope that was a joke..
And if it was.. not a very a funny one.


Love.. is just a word..

We love the person we are with yes..
But what we love so much more.. is How they make us feel
The feeling of warmth they give us
That tender feeling.

So love should be an action that makes someone feel good.. right?

From what I read.. neither of you got the point of that.

2 Options

1 Work on your own issues, and what's done is done.. try and move on.. to a new life together.
Or
2 Split with him go no contact. Work on yourself and try and find someone that makes you feel warm and special

There are people out there.. that would make even the most self conscious person feel loved.

I hope you make the right choice.

Love is a wonderful thing, if both partners work at it together.

It can be a nightmare if both partners are not working at it, because all that is left then, is fear.. doubt and need.

I don't understand how a person so self conscious can cheat? Don't you think you cheating on him can have the same affect it has on you? Possible he feels the same way and was shattered to hear when you cheated on him. All he did was put ideas in your head that shattered your thoughts, but you actually acted on your thoughts and went through with the cheating...

Just quietly, I believe that you're sabotaging the relationship and then justifying it with psycho-babble.

He tells you that he still loves an ex and you make it the reason NOT to commit. You use this to blame him for shattering your self-esteem, and then you justify your 'fragile' state by having an affair.

You also blame him for destroying your sanity and self esteem.

Wake up. You did this to yourself. You made the choices.

I apologize for being harsh, but you seem to be blaming others for your state of mind and your actions and not taking responsibility.

I strongly suggest counseling would be helpful to get a perspective on yourself and strengthen you self-esteem, particularity if you're taking medication and are thinking of OD'ing.

Time to leave, you already have one foot out the door. You are not helping yourself or him by staying in a relationship you feel is over.

This needs to be merged with j_ely's other threads on the same subject:

Her threads were merged-MOD.

I still think that your relationship needs to end. The thread I linked to is only a portion of what you have been through with this person.

I think Cats right, while there was a lot of physical pleasures, I really don't think there was enough to bond with this person, so maybe the lust is finally wearing off enough for you to realize, he ain't the one to sustain your highly emotional needs, and you want to move on so, DO SO! Just be honest about it!

Sadly this type of thing happens all the time...

I just read through most of the merged threads and it all seems so incredibly complex. Why have you made this SUCH hard work?

It reads like it was one issue after another - even to the point where this man didn't like your hair.

You chose to stay and to allow him to wear away at your fragile sense of self.

In fact the answer is quite simple - the only way to feel better about this situation and about yourself is to remove yourself from it.

Your lives are not so intertwined that you can't separate. So just do it.

Don't you want to feel better?

Wow, it sounds you like have some major self esteem issues. He is bringing out some major insecurities within yourself.

I don't think you should be in this relationship anymore. Take a step back and figure out how to love yourself first.