You are right. He is toally lost and he does not know what he doing anymore...Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
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You are right. He is toally lost and he does not know what he doing anymore...Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Just Looking,Quote:
Originally Posted by Just Looking
Thanks for your kind advice.
All you said is so considerate and appropriate. I consider it since I witnessed your recent incident on this board.
I know all my rights, I have enough evidence, so I can take actions in any moments if I want to. Many people will help me effectively if I ask. We all know the law now reflects the understanding harassment as regardless of the motivation for the conduct, it disrupts the victim's life and may threaten the victim's safety.
My concern is my ex has professional reputation, I do not see him in any felony charge for the personal matter between him and me. My family has strings with his as well. I am holding it off right now because I believe he knows his limit very well, he is not mentally malfunctioning (ha ha I am not sure about it any more…), and actually he is not threatening my life.
In terms, he is threatening my security or privacy, but not safety. So, it seems he is in the borderline.
Undoubtfully, it is frustrating to deal with it.
I do not know what episode he will create in any moment. I have a feeling that I could be watched too on and off. My apartment is at 7th floor, but has wall full windows from end to end, and I have full exposure. I know anyone can watch me from the street if tried intentionally. I have been aware of it, and I kept all my curtains closed tight all day long from the day one. I am prisoner in my apartment…
My main complaint is not about safety, but my stress level & insufficient well being. It is just draining my mental resources to be an unwanted part of his pointless drama.
The bottom line is, it appears he still tries hard, but I am certain that he will get tired very soon, and take it easy. I just feel it. I have intuition. I will give a couple more weeks. If thing is not getting better, I will take actions to get a restraining order defines harassment so on…
Now my anger is subsidized, but my depression comes due to his intrusive actions & gifts…
Thanks again... It means a lot to me.
He will get bored, continue not answering to his call and you will be fine.
Cat1864,Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
You are right about all again. If I need to send a letter, I will not consult with Will, but with my father. I do not know Will well. The last thing I want to do is mixing my personal matters with a superior level coworker at work. Fortunately, my father is in the position can take any actions for me if I ask. I am just trying to avoid bringing the unnecessary harsh situation.
I need to answer for my parent's service recall action pretty soon. I am planning to visit my parents next weekend. I guess I have no choice but have to consult with my father in a week. Oh, well. Thanks.
Regarding to Dexter, he is a very nice, honest, and working hard young man. Dexter does not know what my ex did behind of my back yet. I know he assumes what is going on since he saw all the episodes and flowers.
However, Dexter still admires my ex, stands somewhat in my ex's side.
When Will visited me last time, Dexter seemed embarrassed and unpleasant even though he tried to hide his expressions. It looked like I am the one cheated in the setting. It is funny but if I start to see someone else in future for an example, I think Dexter will give me dirty looks or disproval looks.
I do need a good plan to effectively tell Dexter not to disrupt his personal belief about my ex unnecessarily, but make him standing strong enough to protect me from my ex. Basically, I am looking for a way to put it not to destroy my ex’s reputation.
It is not easy to keep the grace in the action...
I agree. That is what I am looking for. Thanks.Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
No problem, focus on you though, not on him. He's a loser, you're not and you need to be selfish right now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
How is your healing process going? Any advice such as DO or NOT TO DO list? Thanks.
Rebecca dear,
I am worried about you. Please, please talk to an attorney and plan to get a restraining order. It is your ex's fault if his reputation is damaged. You have repeatedly asked to be left alone and he has completely ignored your requests. He still does not respect you. He thinks he can do as he likes. You are entitled to protect yourself. If relations between the families was important to HIM he wouldn't be doing this. It's not your job to protect him from himself.
Also, do NOT wait for specific threats. There is no reason to assume he'll warn you before escalating to an assault or personal confrontation of some kind. I entreat you to take this more seriously. The funeral flowers have taken this beyond drama to cracked and very dark. If this was a romantic comedy, it might be funny. But real life isn't like that. Take this seriously.
Please follow Just Looking's advice and have an attorney serve him a with a cease and desist letter tomorrow. And go quickly to a restraining order if he doesn't IMmediately cease all contact. You are being harassed and forced to live in fear. This has been going on too long.
I agree. I think you should be more upfront with Dexter. No need to go into details since you want to maintain some dignity, but I would explain briefly that you broke off with your ex because he was secretly dating other women and that he has been harassing and stalking you. Do not minimize your discomfort on this point or allow Dexter to turn it into something "cute."Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedrebecca
Make it clear to Dexter that you are counting on him both professionally (he's a doorman) and personally to protect you and that the harassment is costing you your peace of mind in your own home. If you don't think Dexter is taking this seriously, have the same attorney who writes your letter have a friendly but serious talk with Dexter so that he understands he's part of the solution--your solution, not the ex's.
Well, actually in a couple of words, healing takes time. Even though, I'm much better now than when I was with my ex, I still have nostalgia, but everyday I'm getting better.
I'll give you what I'm doing:
I've joined a human rights group and I'm planning 2 major fundraising and a lot of people are interested in. I'm in charge of that project so that takes me a lot of time. I still continue to do a lot of training, socializing, going out with friends ( I try not to stay with the same one all the time ), going clubbing, passing time with my family...
What really helps me though, is to gaze far and just enjoy every moment that passes when I have a bit of free time and when I'm going outside. Have you ever looked at a blue sky or a nice garden and just stop thinking? Well it calms your heart and all your worries.
What I don't do is going out drinking too much, clinging on my ex, eating always outside, or being mean. I try to stay positive and give a lot of energy. I have a lot of girls interested in me (I guess because all the energy I show and the fact I've been working out and taking care of myself), but I'm enjoying my freedom and being single.
I don't have to call anybody or nobody really has to calm me, but I have very close friends and family and people generally like me so that I don't feel lonely.
Just wondering if you're doing the same thing though.
I kind of disagree, it may escalate the situation. It may go as a shock to your ex and he may become violent. Even if she had a court order to restrain him, he could still hurt her. I think that if she does that, he will become desperate and do something irrationel. I think it is much better to wait it out, he will get bored and he will get better. If he continues for 2-3 weeks and doesn't stop, then by all means put a restraining order on him.Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
Paxe, IF he keeps going the way he is, I don't think she has a 2-3 weeks before he escalates matters again.Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
This is enough for me to say send the letter:
He is sending himself over the edge. I don't want him taking her with along.Quote:
The flower had a huge black ribbon just like it was for funeral.
The card says,
“I died inside of me since you dumped me. Can you see me bleeding? Would you care for saving a life please?”
Even he picked up a funeral card, and drew a heart with his own handwriting on the card next to the black roses.
Rebecca, I am not sure he sees a difference between your security and privacy and your safety. What worries me is that he may try to find a way to 'manufacture' a crisis to try to 'save' you from or that you would feel compelled to 'save' him from.
Another concern is that he will try to get physical to get you to listen to him. Under that thought your safety won't be his concern. His own desire to 'get through to you' will be.
Well it has been three weeks, and this guy is not getting bored. Instead, he is obsessing and thinking up weirder and weirder things to do to dramatize his "need".Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
First of all he is dating a woman he expects to be faithful but he is strangely not available Friday nights because he's got his picture on a dating site and having regular Friday night dates with other women. When Rebecca confronts him, he defends himself by saying that he will eventually get around to marrying her and to just sit tight while he has some fun.
When she dumps him, instead of taking it like a man, he goes from totally dissing her to completely wussing out, weeping and acting needy and desperate. Nows he's escalated to confronting her in a parking lot outside work, calling her while drunk to "propose," and sending bizarre "presents." He has fallen completely to pieces. I think he's already in "shock" that a woman would set limits with him. He is doing everything he can to prove that that can't happen, imagining that he can win her back and this horror (not being allowed to do whatever he likes) will be over. It's all about him. This is the Drama Emperor Extraordinaire.
It is high time to put him on notice that he is courting arrest. I'm not sure why Rebecca should operate from a position of fear that he will escalate more if she sets up some clearer boundaries. If he respects the letter from the attorney, they won't need a restraining order. If he violates the restraining order then he OUGHT to be arrested. No offense to you Paxe, but I can't see any upside to Rebecca letting him continue his harassment without getting legal help.
Excellent, excellent, and excellent interpretation! I am getting goose bump when I read this! How amazing you are, asking!!Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
Cat1864,Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
I should not see this in my life. No way...
I am not sure what you are referring to.. can you kindly make it more clear? Thank you so much.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
Just looking,Quote:
Just Looking agrees: I agree. We aren't talking about having him arrested, but making sure he realizes that what he is doing is not wanted and not acceptable.
I agree with your point. It is not wanted, and it is going to the wrong direction, and way beyond the level I should endure.
I need to focus on healing for myself, not suffering from the overly surpressing pressure…
Having read through this entire thread at Cat 1864's urging, let me explain her fears in my usual blunt offensive way.Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedrebecca
His next step to win you back is to kidnap and isolate you so he can "make you see reason." When that doesn't work he will probably just "keep you for himself."
When you do not fall back under his spell in a couple of days, he will injure or kill you.
This is not some bizarre fantasy, it happens with narcissists like this so often it has become a common theme on crime dramas.
Get some protection. Parents, Doorman, Attorneys, Cops, all of them.
Creating a scenario to 'save' you from could be something like getting someone to threaten you and he 'miraculously' appears to make the person leave. Or if you have a car, making one or more of your tires go flat, so that he can be there to 'help' you out. Does that give you a better idea of what I was talking about?
I am not as worried about that type of behavior from him as I am him staging something involving himself as the 'victim' to try to gain sympathy and create guilt. Primarily (mainly because of the black roses and card), I am concerned about him 'staging' a suicide attempt. In his mind, it could have the benefit of causing you guilt because you turned him away when he was at his lowest or cause you to worry about him and give him a foot in the door. It could also have the effect of making him look more like the 'victim' to his friends and family.
Note that I used the word "stage". I don't think he would actually do anything to hurt himself. However, I wouldn't be surprised if he did try to make you think he will. Emotional blackmail at its best.
Be prepared for anything from this person. But at the same, Live your life to the fullest. You are not responsible for anything that he does. Only he is responsible for himself. You are not responsible for his reputation or his work. He is.
Cat1864,
Thanks for your reply.
I am just thinking I am in a sticky situation. I did not know it would be so difficult to break off from my ex who created the unspekable mistake...
Thanks again, all. I appreciate your concerns and thoughtful advices...
I am just thinking I can stay in my parents every weekend for a while to avoid this drama. It seems my ex is getting crazier for weekend, and it will protect me from the 'unnecessary scenes'.
Thank you all!
Paxe,Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
I believe time has more power than anything else. I am staying in low while this tough time passes by.
I am focusing to heal from this trauma.
You are doing great with a human rights group, and it sounds good for you.
I am not that socially active right now, mainly to avoid people in the same social group of my ex. I am getting better sleep and good eat though.
I am having quality time with a group of my girl friends, it helps me my mind off. We went to a fundraising fashion show one evening, and it was just fun. I have many good friends, but I feel lonely sometimes…I know it sounds crazy, but I still have moments to miss the good time with my ex. Anyhow, I bought a bunch of books I always wanted to read, and started to take a yoga class. I am forcing myself to be busy, am thinking to join a drama club or sushi cooking class. I found a cool jazz place in my town, and I dine there, and I enjoy it. I do not have any memory about my ex in the place, and it helps me to relax better. What I really need is taking a small trip to a warm place for mind off, but my girl friend is busy, and I cannot make a reservation at this point. I hope she can find good time for me. :)
I hope I can recover, and spread my wings fully just like before I met my ex.
Thanks for your advice. Good luck to you!
Hey Rebecca,
Good to know you're taking good care of yourself. Don't worry you will be able to enjoy single life with tons of friends, it feels great!
Also, try to plan a long vacation far away, even if it is one year from now, it will help you move on and expand your horizons.
Hi,
I have a small update. My ex stopped sending me flowers since the Saturday black ribbon-ed one. I guess he gave in finally after 3 weeks. He stopped all together include sending flowers & sand witches to my office, phone calls and emails.
It seems he decided to disappear from me completely.
I should feel better, but I suddenly found myself more depressed and empty. Sigh... I feel the 1.5 year relationship really ended.
Last night, I had a dream that my ex and I were shopping for a puppy. We had to choose one among 3 cute puppies, black, white and brown, but all were so cute and hairy, and I had hard time to choose one. All 3 puppies started licking my face, I felt so good and laughed. I woke up, and still could feel the ticklish sensation on my face, but the puppies were not real... It made me feel more empty... Should l I get a puppy by myself? Does it help to heal?
I bought a bunch of books, tried to read some, but could not concentrate at all... It seems my emotion all died.
How should I get rid of this depression? Any advice? All of you are so wise, and should know something better than me... thank you.
Love & respect,
Rebecca
Rebecca
Great news that he's finally leaving you alone , and your feelings of emptyness are perfectly normal and you'll find they will subside with time. This is all part of the healing process. Hang in there your doing great.
And please don't get a Puppy just to fill the void , that's not fair to the Pup. Get one for sure when your ready to look after him and are getting him for all the right reasons. Don't forget getting a Puppy will be a 10-15 year commitment.
Does your apartment building allow pets?
What I tell anyone who is looking at getting a new puppy: You shouldn't unless you have the money (vet bills, grooming, if needed, etc.), time (puppies especially need a lot of training time and dogs are very social animals), energy (most breeds need a lot of exercise and playtime. They really suffer mentally and physically, if those needs aren't met), and patience (training takes a lot repeating yourself and staying calm when they mess up. Positive reinforcement works better than negative.). One other thing about dogs, you also have to be ready to pick up their excrement (lots of devices on the market that keep hands far away from the waste.)
You should also never get a puppy as a "spur-of-the-moment" type purchase. IF you really want a dog, I suggest researching breeds that do well in apartments and city living. Then either adopt from a shelter or a breed specific rescue or find a reputable breeder in your area and buy a purebred from them. If you are unsure about breeds, you might even look at breeders in your area and contact them to find out more before making a decision.
If you really want an animal companion, you need to remember, that most cats and small to medium size dogs can live to be 15-20 years old. They are a long term commitment.
If you are unsure about getting a pet or what type to get, you might ask here: Other Pets & Animals - Ask Me Help Desk. The experts on the pet forums can give you ideas on a variety of animals to think about.
That said. It is up to you to decide what your needs are. IF you decide to get a pet, I recommend taking at least a month to research what type would be best for you and your life-style. The research alone might help you fill part of the loneliness that you are feeling.
You're feeling lonely because you are alone right now. You probably felt annoyed but not alone when he was sending you all these gifts. Usually the dumper like to have attention from the dumpee.
It is all normal feeling, you have to fill your life with joy, activities, friends and family. You have now full control of your life and you can do whatever you want. Try something new, be positive everyday, put a smile on that face... you'll get better day by day.
Part of being in a relationship is nurturing the other person.
When they are gone,we miss the feeling of being needed.
Hence the puppy dream!
Could you volunteer in a children's hospital or animal shelter for a while?
Hi friend4u178,Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
I agree it is not fair to have a 'rebound relationship with an innocent puppy'.
I appreciate your advice!
Cat1864,Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
Thanks for your professional advice. My ex and I wanted to have a puppy together, and I thought it might be a good sign of my independence if I have a puppy by myself.
I will think about it again... thank you.
paxe,Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
You are right about all again.
When he bothered me, I did not feel lonely. Now, I really start my healing process by my own. I know I have now full control of my life and I can do whatever I want. It is indeed a powerful situation, but I do not have enough energy to enjoy it now.
I will feel better someday. I am looking for the best way to regain myself.
Thanks much.
Redhead,Quote:
Originally Posted by redhed35
You are so accurate about everything.
I am so amazed by your dream interpretation. You are much better than Freud.
I actually nurtured my ex quite well, he consulted me with every single little thing with me. Ha ha except the deception. Now he is gone, and I have nothing to take care of except myself. I know I should think I am so grateful I am free like a bird. But I lost balance, and feel so empty.
It is really good idea to volunteer for someone who need help. I have a nursing home near by, and I may can find something I can do there. It will be nice if I can make someone smile. Thanks again!
You will regain yourself Rebecca-we all do. Allow yourself the time it takes.
Take care.
amicon,Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Thanks for your kind word. I guess there is no speedy way to recover from breakup. I will take time, and process all of this... thank you for your encouragement. I means a lot to me while I am struggling. You are amazing!
Rebecca
You'll be fine honestly and your positive attitude in all this will go a long way to helping you heal faster. We give our advice/opinions to so many people on this site and a lot of times people just want you to tell them what they want to hear , they almost fight with the advice until it finally sinks in.
That's fine and just the heart ruling their heads but you seem to be getting it and it's a real pleasure being part of this thread.
You my Dear are a breath of fresh air , well done :)
Friend, I have to spread some rep, so here's a virtual greenie.
Rebecca, I agree. I haven't been on AMHD for very long, but long enough to know that you are truly a unique person with a very refreshing outlook.
friend4u178,Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
Thanks for giving me positive word for me. It is my luck I found this site and get support from you, and all of you. I am trying hard, and still fighting with the urge of self pity & endless sadness. Thanks again...
Cat1864,Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
I am new here, but know enough how wonderful this site and you guys are!
It is my pure luck to meet you guys here when I go through this crisis with non stop tears...
Thanks again!
Somebody called me around midnight.
I picked up the phone, and the person was in silence, and hung up...
Hey rebecca, it could have been a coincidence.
What do you think?
What is your feeling on the call?
Hi all,
As Just Looking suggested while ago, I am reading other people's story on this board when I cannot sleep.
I do not think my healing process is smooth as you think, far from it inside of me, but it only started a different phase without intrruption by my own. If you insist if I made some progress, I will say all credit goes to this board & all of you.
When I join here with crisis, you guys gave me every single word absolutely I could not here anywhere else, except here. It was really amazing.
I felt chill on my back whenever you guys gave me the straight answers instantaneously. I was and still am mess and still seeking guidelines in the middle of confusion & pain.
I need to tell you. You guys are amazingly brave to say anything straight, while I was afraid to verbalize, accept and admit in every situation when I need to make a decision in any given moment. You guys must experience almost same pain as I do, and your analysis & interpretation was just accurate, and every single advice was really effective & good remedy. I am telling you, I listened carefully, and processed every single word you guys gave to me through my heart. I lived by warm encouragement & kind words you guys gave to me for the past 3 and half weeks. I need to confess I did my best not to make you guys disappointed.
Without you guys, I could not do this at all, and I might still lost more, fell apart, and perhaps gave in. I cannot thank enough. I like to believe I made a right decision for my future. I guess I am growing by going through this pain as God planned. Everything happens with reasons. Right? Since I joined, I read all the threats for the past weeks, and learned a lot of heart wrenching real stories, I never imagined before. I felt all the pains so vividly, and cried for them by myself. I like to tell you, I love all the guys here, and wish you the best luck. You all deserved to be happy.
I am still grieving, but I do my best to live right minute by minute. I will not negotiate with the ‘wrong doing’ even though it is so hurtful. I still love my ex as he was before the incident. Just like old phrase, if you love someone, just let go. It implies here. I cannot accept the real ugly person ruin my pure love for the man I thought to be my dream man. My ex was truly my first love in the deep level, and I certainly planned life long journey with him…and it is gone now.
Well, as you guys all know, it still hurting me so badly. I completely have lost my smile since the day one. I like to smile one day with pure joy.
By the way, be honest, I have not even talked to my parents about my struggle in detail. As a grown up, I felt shame to talk about my inner struggle with anyone include my parents and siblings. Well, you guys are the only people who know what was really going on inside of me…You had my heart.
Thank you for being so kind to me, a struggling faceless stranger, without expecting any returns or conditions. I think you guys are angels, who are making this world more beautiful… Good night, guys.
Another sleepless night,
Rebecca
Hey rebecca. The boards are quite,I'm going to break the rules,and talk for a minute with you.
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