Ask Me Help Desk - Commitment Phobia

Quote:

I have put my heart and soul into one place and I know unconditional love. Unfortunately I granted that love to someone undeserving and found that if you don't love yourself first, you can't love another more.

Every time you waiver. Every time you want to call. Every time you doubt what you're doing, read the words I quoted above. Your words! That's the truth, plain and simple. You know it. Your heart knows it.

It won't be easy. You've been with this man for a long time. You raised kids together. You lived together. You loved together. The sad fact is, you gave more then you got and that's not a relationship.

You deserve someone that will give you the moon and the stars, who will love you with all his heart, who will talk to you, love you, hold you, plan a life with you. And he deserves the same thing from you.

You just haven't found your match. He's out there though.

Get through this. Learn to love the most important person in your life. Haven't met her? Look in the mirror dear. :)

When we've done all we could and tried our best to work things through and it still isn't happening,we have to walk away heartbreaking though it is.
You deserve so much more than what this was.
Thinking about you.
Hugs.

Well I am all moved out. It was an emotionally draining day. Things went exceptionally smoothly considering he was a moving helper.

Just trying to be strong, NC time five minutes.

>cyber hug< ^_^

Your own post is all that needs to be read. You have come to terms with it and you tried and you know its time. As hard as it is one of you had to make the move and you took the step to do it. Its hard. You will heal in time. For now just look to the future and what new doors this will open for you. It will. You have closed a chapter in your life and now your starting a new one.

Its hard to help someone on this site you is so good themselves at helping others. Your very smart and I have always seen that in your posts. You will pull through this and be so happy again.

Big hugs...

My parents made cinnamon rolls this morning for breakfast. I know they are trying, I feel like I am drowning in my own depression. My head knows all the right things but I can't get my heart in line yet. I am struggling with NC and someone may need to take away my phone, I am excited for the distraction my children will bring tonight. Today is about unpacking.

Well just keep your thinking straight and lets hope your heart will follow. Does your heart want to stay there and continue on? Don't do that to yourself. Let this be his loss not yours. Let him see his mistakes. You move on and find what it is that will make you happy.

I know your reading these and its all just words right now. But it will get better.

Try not to drown in the depression-start swimming if you can. Your heart will listen to your head sooner than you may think or feel right now.
It's good to know you have family around you.
(ps hide that phone!)

Knowing what you have been through, and seeing you overcome your challenges, I have faith that in time you will overcome this one too, and bounce back even stronger.

Some people you just can't keep down for long, and you have already proven that your one of those.

I haven't posted here since you knew what to do. You did it.

Hooray Justy!

You should know by now that all you need to do is ask and we'll all come running.

Hey Justwantfair... just wanted to say that you are powerful. You are going to be more than fine. Luckily you are still young. People go through divorces at 40 and even 50... This just gives you that much more time to find your happiness! Its good you know what you want and what's not good for you. I have faith in you. We all know how brilliant you are. I'm here for you just like everyone else. I know how down feelings can bring you. Sending lots of love towards you and your children!
-Emopunk7

Justy, I know it's hard. We all do. We've all been down that road. It hurts so bad. It feels like someone ripped out your heart and soul. Some pain you never forget.

The thing is, you deserve better. You've known for a while that this was going to end. Your head knew, your heart just needed to catch up.

I know the strength you have inside you, I've seen it, we all have. One day at a time kiddo, one foot in front of the other. You know what you have to do, you know the path you have to follow. You also know that that path has hills, ruts, bumps and obstacles, but there is an end, you just have to get to it. Luckily you have us to help you, to guide you, to support you. So use that support, no shame in leaning on someone when you need to. :)

Every day you'll feel a bit stronger, a bit better. So go eat a cinnamon bun, enjoy it, you deserve it. :)

Today all of these words have made me stronger. I know this morning was difficult as I am waking in a place that isn't where I have been for the last almost six years.

The day has gotten better and I am doing better at handling the sadness. I know that it is clear to others that I am mourning the death of a dream, as my hopes had taken over from my reality. I still feel so much love for him, even in his own unperfectness. What I need to do now is re-love myself more. I feel when you give and give, you start to give yourself away too. I know and love who I am, but I gave and gave until the only person who mattered was not me anymore.

I will remember to love myself and my children first. Then I will be that much closer to recovery.

My parents want me registered on eHarmony, they apparently have not visited this site! ;)

Justy, when a relationship ends it's like a death. There's a mourning period, there's heartache. There will be moments when you let yourself be alive, then there will be moments were you just want to huddle in a corner, cry and suck your thumb.

At times you'll wonder if you did the right thing, you'll be tempted to call him, see if you can reconcile. Every time you put the phone down and walk away is a victory, is a step towards being stronger, living without him.

You know I love quotes. Well, I'm looking at your sig right now. You have all the tools, you just have to use them.

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt myself putting it back together"

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."

"I don't miss him/her. I miss who I thought he/she was."

Need I say more?

My shoulder is here when you need it. My hand is here when you need a slap. My foot is here when you need a kick in the arse. Most of all, I'm here, so is everyone else. You know what this site is all about. You know that you have the best support system in the world available to you 24/7 with just the click of a mouse.

Vent, cry, scream, whatever. We're here for it all. One step at a time chicky. One step at a time. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

24/7

Think about this one second. There is someone who cares about you on here every single second of the day. Stringer's in your time zone, I think Tal's on the west coast, M and Shazzy are down under, Bear and Ben and Red are across the pond, NM and I are an hour ahead of you. We're here for you ALL THE TIME.

Edit: Not to slight the rest of you, I was just picking examples off the top of my head.

Alty, am I going to have to change my signature just so you will stop using it against me? (that was said with much love and admiration, btw) Cats, it's amazing to me that you can spout all our time zones off, lol.

I am mourning and I am trying to be healthy about it. Tal's 'emotional dust' is spinning all around my head, but this storm too will pass.

One of my ex's so nicely pointed out that my breakup is not convenient for him, while the other is already calling like the break up will be his chance to step in.

Oh, the soap operas I could write... You would think me, with such a bright head on my shoulders, that I could be a bit smarter in love, well there is always next time. ;)

There always is a next time though-and that's when we'll get it right-right? Life's a soapopera sometimes,but once we're in charge of the remote we can switch off the ones we don't want to watch.

Quote:

Alty, am I going to have to change my signature just so you will stop using it against me?

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

You chose wise words, I'm just using them against you. ;)

This is my way of pointing out that you already know what you need to know in order to move on. It's all there. You just have to use it. :)

Reach and reach far. The beautiful views at the beach. The unfamiliarities of life and new feelings both good and bad. The smiles on our children. The way jeans fit one week and the next they don't. How cool is it that with a flick of a switch we have light. Beating hearts sometimes slow and sometimes fast. Manicures and pedicures. Massages and tranquility. A good night rest knowing tomorrow is a new day. Music and happiness, hot cocoa and peace. This one's for Justwantfair, a few words of ease!

Cinnamon buns for Justy (sunny raises hand)
To a new happy life..

Dear God, it's me, please help me stop crying tonight. I fear I am scaring my daughter who doesn't understand and is listening to me sob instead of sleep. Thank you.

Well I guess I have 30 minutes before I go to sleep so I could give it a shot.

Let's think this rationally, you both don't want the same thing, so you decided to end this now, before it got worst. Secondly, there IS light in the end of the tunnel. We've all been through this, and the pain is immense, it's overwhelming. But if you actually believe that the future will be much better then it will be.

You are a beautiful women that any man would be lucky to have. Don't worry about the future or your heart and clean your tears.

A new day,and I wish you a good one-remember to keep swimming. Hugs.

Last night was very bad, I did make it to this morning. Breaking NC has such drastic effects and I do know better.

What still cuts me to the core is four months later this man still would rather believe I was unfaithful than to see the truth of the situation. We had been so close and he threw back up a wall that had taken years to get down.

Today is a new day, I restart the process.

For whatever reasons he did that-that's his issues-not yours. You did your best and gave it your all.

And it finally reaches that point where we have to start giving to ourselves again.

Of course it hurts,but we have to be who we are and love ourselves.

He is the loser and you'll get through this.

To a new day Justy.
You can do it. Head up, shoulders up, smile and be pretty like you are. Thoughts of a happy future.

So in the slowest work day in history, I am anxious to get the heck out of here. The idleness of being here is making me stir crazy.

Babysteps-best foot forward. Make plans-something to look forward to when you get home-hugging the kids? Cooking a nice meal?
All these things that make our lives good and safe.

What I look forward to tonight... a decent night's sleep, no contact and no tears tucking me into bed. :) I dream big.

Hey justwantfair... Is it 3 o clock there? And why did he think that you were unfaithful? I thought it was about him not wanting to marry. If you'd rather not talk about it, I understand. I wanted to talk about it the first month at least to be done with the analyzing. I'm not just advice, I can be someone to talk to.

If I don't talk to you before tomorrow-815 pm here -I wish you a just that-a good night's sleep and a better tomorrow.

Thinking of you Justy. Be strong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by emopunk7

Hey justwantfair...Is it 3 o clock there? And why did he think that you were unfaithful? I thought it was about him not wanting to marry. If you'd rather not talk about it, I understand. I wanted to talk about it the first month atleast to be done with the analyzing. I'm not just advice, I can be someone to talk to.

If you read back just a few pages I think you will find the beginning of the end. While there were frustrations with the commitment issues, I think I was being patient, along time ago I had made a choice that although I found his marriage issues frustrating, he WAS 100% committed to our relationship and that was in fact a commitment.

The beginning of the end, involved some online flirting in which he perceived me being disrespectful and unfaithful and essentially using that as a catalyst to end the relationship, guilt free. He focused the demise on my responsibility and participation in such flirtation. Therefore, his hands are clean and I have no one to blame for the demise except myself. ::cough:: ::cough::

To me, he has spent the last four months careening this situation into the biggest catastrophe. I was wrong, I never did not admit that, but somehow it became easier for him to believe that underneath the person he has always known, who was faithful, honest and devoted... lurked this villain, connieving, devious and scheming just waiting for him to let his guard down and then WHAMO he would be left broken hearted. It's not a real rational thought process, so either he is scared out of his mind or it was an excuse, leaving him guiltfree.

Last night was better. I still feel drained but I made it to bed without the overwhelming flood of emotions.

Today is another day, I am swimming now, I hope. :)

Good- I know you can do it. And stop and float when you need to-you won't sink.
<cyberhugs>

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so either he is scared out of his mind or it was an excuse, leaving him guilt free.

Or both. When the emotional dust settles, you will probably see a lot of things that you put up with, that maybe you should not have.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Or both. When the emotional dust settles, you will probably see a lot of things that you put up with, that maybe you should not have.

Ahhh, no points for being tolerant, patient, or for how much I resemble a doormat?

For the tolerance and patience-yes. You're no longer a member of the doormat club,so points for that!

Happy thoughts. Your doing so well. Keep going forward. If you think your going to fall back we are here. I am here and you know you can find me on Facebook also. One day at a time is one day closer to being over him and the misery.

Its no shame to be incompatible. That doesn't make either of you villains, but like any relationship that breaks down, its seldom right, or wrong, when people cannot work together to build a life.

You get many points for trying your best, doing what you thought was needed, and it didn't work. Is that a bad thing, not at all, even though it hurts now.

But we both know you have taken a valuable experience away from this, all in getting you ready for the next best option, and opportunities, That life will present to you.

If you didn't break up, to go through the pain, and experience, you couldn't appreciate things when they got better.

Where do you think my gratitude from my exes dumping me, come from??