I will indeed keep you posted. I think calling him or e-mailing him would be okay.
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I will indeed keep you posted. I think calling him or e-mailing him would be okay.
Thanks sweetie. I just don't want to come off needy. Do you think he would take it this way?Quote:
Originally Posted by f104
I don't think it would come off needy but that may just be me.
He got it!!Quote:
Originally Posted by starlite1
Hi Tal,Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Yes, I know he did. He is being his usual self and this is the exact reason why I broke up with him, because even in the past (two times before this) when we were together, this is what he would do. Case and point. My God, why do I love this man so much? I am so depressed. This isn't normal behavior for a man is it? (I don't mean any disrespect, guys). Even if in the past I was a little needy and insecure, is this normal for him to act this way? Even from how I described in my main post?
You don't love yourself enough, and want to be loved. Are you settling for less than what you deserve??Quote:
My God, why do I love this man so much?
Not for a man that cares about his female.Quote:
I am so depressed. This isn't normal behavior for a man is it? (I don't mean any disrespect, guys).
NO! Its not normal, as a man who cares would understand your need for ea assurance and be more than willing to give it.Quote:
Even if in the past I was a little needy and insecure, is this normal for him to act this way?
Your whole post is about a caring, loving female, with a lot to offer, who needs a hug, and ain't getting it.Quote:
Even from how I described in my main post?
Hugs to you!
Thank you, Tal. You are the best :) I needed that hug. My God, this is so hard..Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Its easier when you love yourself more than you do... him!Quote:
My God, this is so hard..
I honestly don't know how to do that. I know I have to for my own self, and I have been in therepy time and time again, but still, I don't know how. Even in the past, with all of my relationships, including when I was married, I made them all my world. It made me feel great to do that, but now look at what I am doing to myself, especially when a person you love so much (in this case, Eric (my ex), and they say they love you, want to marry you, want you to move there to be with them, I get cold feet, and WHAMMO, he turns off like a switch... just like when he did in the past when he broke up with me... I am insecure to begin with... but now, I totally feel like SH*&. I gave my heart and soul to this man, and I really thought he loved me more than this, I thought he would even fight a little to get me back... Stupid Girl... what the heck was I thinking?
Stop letting all of if be controlled in his hands.. this is why I told you to move on when I first posted to you weeks ago. You are still sitting here and letting his actions control your life. You freak if he doesn't respond to a text, you get in a tizzy if you don't think he isn't thinking of you, you still wonder if he cares. You waste time analyzing everything he says/doesn't say.. does/doesn't do.
If you would have spent these weeks and hours on yourself instead of still agonizing over this man who obviously does not love you (or he'd be trying) then you would be well on your way by now to caring about yourself, increasing your own self esteem, and realizing he should be the one sitting wondering why he let a great girl like you get away. Once you walked away and realized his loss, I can guarantee that you would feel better in time with your decision. You need to take you own power back, because you are letting one man's decision make or break every minute of every day and how you feel about yourself.
If that is love, then honey, I am not interested. No love I know works that way and when you see that for yourself, you will feel better. I promise. MOVE ON! It's not just the best advice, it really is the only advice in this situation.
Thanks Epiphany, you are right, you all are. For the past 4 years, I have known nothing but this man, and my mind, heart, and soul was all about him. I have to let him go... emotionally now.. it is breaking my heart, because I still love him and am still in love with him... that is the hardest part of letting him go... especially because I thought he felt the same way..Quote:
Originally Posted by epiphany
So you want to know how to love yourself eh? I can answer that, next time he pizzes you off, or does something to make you mad... let him have it with both barrels. You'll not only feel better, you'll enjoy expressing your anger outward instead of inward at yourself, filling you with self doubt and insecurities, and FEAR, of losing him.
Oh, its more effective with BOTH hands on your hips, and an evil look on your face. (ask me how I know!! )
Hi Tal,
LOL! Uh Oh! I guess you have had that happen to you ;)
I have raised my voice to him in the past, and looked dead into his eyes, and gave him hell, but, maybe 3 minutes later, I cried, apologized, etc. because I didn't want him to hate me, leave me, etc... Why? Why the hell am I so scared...
Because your to nice to people. Stay mad until they acknowledge you and if they don't... See ya, hate to be ya!! You don't need those folks in your life. You really do deserve better, and should make sure you get it. Don't let anyone wait you out, that's a sign you don't mean what you say, and will cave with the slightest resistanceQuote:
but, maybe 3 minutes later, I cried, apologized, etc. because I didn't want him to hate me, leave me, etc... Why? Why the hell am I so scared...
Thank you, Tal. You are a sweetheart. I know that when I go to see him in July, I need to stand strong... and if I feel hurt, angry, etc, I need to express that, wholeheartedly, and not crack. I have to for my own sake at this point... And down the road, whether it's a relationship with him or anyone else, I have to stand up for myself if a situation arises that warrants it. That is the hard part... standing up for myself... and the other hard part is rejection if that does indeed happen...
There truly must be something wrong with him if he truly expects to find a relationship requiring no work. My advice? Find someone better who you KNOW you want to create your life with. Good luck and keep your head up. :)
Hi Love,
Thank you. You are right. But, I am so hung up on him, even if a better man came along, I wouldn't know him if he kicked me in the butt... I am so mentally attached to my ex... that is the messed up part... I have had opportunities to go out on dates with other men, and I want to, but then just as I'm about to accept, I back down.. because of my love and feelings for Eric
Yeah, your right, as the fear of being rejected, will make us do many things we may not normally do. Kissing a self centered bast@rds butt shouldn't be one of them though. Should it??Quote:
That is the hard part... standing up for myself... and the other hard part is rejection if that does indeed happen...
Not to second guess you at all, but is it love you feel for him that makes you his willing slave? (that really did hurt me to say) Don't you think that a love that makes you feel this way must be honestly evaluated? I guess Im trying to find out, if your in love with a person, or just an idea? If you reread all your posts you have made, would you see someone in love, or was afraid to be left alone??Quote:
I back down.. because of my love and feelings for Eric
What do you think I see, when I read those same posts??
Hi Tal,Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I definatley see where you are coming from. Honestly I pondered your question and honestly, I think it's both: being in love with him, and afraid of being alone. The thing is I have had opportunities to date other men, but, he is always right there in my mind, my heart, etc. Something else that comes to mind, when I first met Eric, we started as friends (we worked together at the same company, but different depts), then we developed into something much more. Eric was completely open with me, his feelings, his fears, he wasn't afraid to cry with me at all, and he said for the first time in his life, he was able to feel secure and not have a wall, and even encouraged me not to have a wall (I had one from past relationships, family stuff, etc). I saw and felt the most deep, intense man I have ever felt, and I felt as though he was the male version of me, and I the female version of him. I know this sounds kind of corny, but that is truly how I felt and still feel. Now, fast forward, the wall came back up after we got into our relationship (I still don't even know why). I guess I really feel even though he is has this wall, I saw the real Eric back then, he let me 'in', and I know he is still in there somewhere...
I figure this fellow has some good points, and I don't take you for a flighty confused female at all, but he has to do his part to nurture this along, or you will be giving, and he takes, and that's not healthy for a future.
Thank you Tal, very much. That is the part that is killing me, 'Will he step up the plate to nurture this relationship along'? Does he want this as much as I do? He really seemed like he did, but then... I just don't know... how to get through to him...Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Granted, I am not perfect, no way, I have my insecurities which can be hard to deal with at times, although I do try to keep myself in check, and have gotten better over the years, and I am also emotionally needy at times as well, but I feel I know how to love, respect, and honor someone (Eric in this case), and I take responsibility for my faults.
God, Tal, this is so hard...
Sometimes we just have to be honest with ourselves, and accept that somewhere along the way, our dream partner has changed, and no longer wants what we want. That sucks, and bring chaos to our lives, when things use to be so simple.Quote:
Thank you Tal, very much. That is the part that is killing me, 'Will he step up the plate to nurture this relationship along'? Does he want this as much as I do? He really seemed like he did, but then... I just don't know... how to get through to him...
Thank you, Tal. You are so right my friend. He did call me on Friday, and we are still on for the concert. I am going to pull strength from God, you, and all of you here that have offered me support and guidance, and have a real heart to heart talk with him, and whatever the outcome, I have to be strong, and not sell myself short. I know I must...Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
You'll do fine, and don't forget to enjoy the concert!
All the best Star, I can't really offer anymore advice than that given.
Enjoy the concert and all the best,
JPM
X
Thank you so much, Tal. I will keep you posted. I don't leave until next Wed, but thank you for always being there for me :)Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Hi JPM,Quote:
Originally Posted by jpm247
Thank you so much, sweetie. I will keep you posted. :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBeaucaire
LOL!! JB, you are awesome! :) (And of course, as always, thank you, too ;) )
Hi Everyone,
Well, I went to Georgia this past week to see E and to go to the concert. The concert was amazing, we had a great time. During intermission, I said to him that I needed to talk with him (not at that moment, but at some point while I was there), and he said okay. The next morning I was sitting outside, he came out and joined me, and said 'what did you want to talk to me about'? I started by saying that I am sorry for breaking things off in May, but that isn't at all what I wanted to do. The reason why I did though was because I needed to take a couple of steps back, and I needed you to make sure that you really wanted me, and that I wasn't certain that you really were hearing my concerns (about him yo-yoing and the on again-off-again he did with me in the past). I told him that I do want a future with him, move there and, I do want to marry him (and yes, he really did return the ring back in May), but, I need him to really make sure that I am who he wants, and I also said that ALL relationships require work, and that I am willing to put my 100 % in to it, but I need to know that he is willing and prepared for that matter to do the same in return. I also made it known to him that I am fully aware that he does have a tendency to yo-yo emotionally, and that I realize he cannot change, and I either accept that, and if he does do that in the future, he will not leave me or cheat or anything, but that I will give him his space within the relationship, but point out his behavior if he does start acting like this. I also asked him to point out anything that bothers him about me if I do or act in a way that bothers him, so that I too am aware of it. Bottom line is I told him he needs to see the person that I am, and really feel the love I have for him.
His response: After I broke up with him in May, he actually admitted that he realized how I must have felt when he broke up with me in the past. He also said that when he returned the ring, a part of him had a sense of relief; when I asked why he said that he was scared in a way and he felt a little pressured. He wanted to wait until I actually moved down there before he proposed. But, thinking back, I did say to him (and I didn't realize or mean to pressure him), I would feel more comfortable with things if you proposed before I moved there. Either way, it is water under the bridge. I digress... so he said that in the past during the on again off again relationship, he always got scared, and felt somewhat guilty about how we even got together in the first place. In addition, some of his family (his mom and one of his sisters) where not happy about him and I (because they totally love his ex-wife - and to this day, they still do), so that added to his behavior and him not being able to see a future for us. At the end of this conversation, he said to me, you know it is ineveitable that we are going to get married and have a future, don't you? I said to him, I do feel that way, but it can't be one-sided. You know how I feel about you, Eric, you just have to make sure you feel the same way about me. If you really want this, let me know. You don't have to let me know this instant either. And that was the end of the conversation.
Later that night, out of the blue so to speak, he said to me, 'I think you should move here'. I said 'You have to be sure that you want this (me and a life with me) Eric. He said he does, and again said 'It is inevitable'. I told him I would love to.
So, I am taking my time because I wouldn't be moving there until the fall anyway, so I am going to really see how he sounds when we talk, and how he is when I visit him again (which will be this weekend for another concert).
So, how did I do? How does he sound? Your responses and insight is always greatly appreciated!
Thank you all. I'm sorry this is so long.
You did really well, no begging for him or anything. I am proud and hope everything works out, just take things very slowly so neither of you feels pressured!
I think you did good and get all the answers to the questions you needed to know. In the meantime, you two should keep the honesty going and see how the cards play out. At least now you know all the fear he had and about his family feelings towards you. This talk was needed and you did exactly what you planned to do but tread slowly and I hope he does not let his family input have an impact on your starting over. I had this time around everything work out just follow whatever your intincts tell you. Whenever you start to second guess, speak to him instead of pulling back.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Romefalls19
Hi Rome,
Thank you so very much. I really appreciate your feedback, and your advise on this whole crazy relationship. :) I am going to continue to take things slowly and hopefully this will work out, for good!
Hi Liz,Quote:
Originally Posted by liz28
Thank you so much. As always, I appreciate all of your help and advise. You are right, if there is something that bothers me or if I do second guess, I am going to bring it up, instead of being afraid or nervous/pulling back.
As long as the lines of honest communications are open, things have a good chance to work I think, but know that going slowly, and paying attention to his actions, as well as his words, are the way to go. If you have any doubts about it, TELL him then, not later.
Your in my prayers, but if he acts a butt, I'll get my friends in Georgia to kick his azz!!
You are the best, TAL!! And I will take you and your friends up on that! ;) Thank you so very much, from the bottom of my heart for all of your kindness and help! I will definitely keep you all posted!Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
You did good Starlite. You said what you had to say, and I am so glad that he admitted his reservations.
You and he will have plenty of time to 'iron' out a few more things until the fall and I sincerely hope that you find the happiness you deserve together.
My hopes and support are always with you.
Now go out and have that wonderful weekend. While together concentrate on quality time, as there is always time for talking about fears when you call each other - that way there will be more hugs, kisses and warmth to remember between visits.
All my best wishes dear.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_67.gifhttp://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chery
Thank you so much Chery. You are so wonderful, and honestly? I don't think I would have been this strong this time, without all of you. You all mean the world to me. I will keep you posted on everything. Thank you so much!
Hi Starlite
I too thought you did real well , you almost sounded like a "Relationship Expert" LOL :)
Well done!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
LOL!! Thank you, Friend :) You see, I am learning a great deal here! LOL! Thanks again, honey, I appreciate it!
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