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Originally Posted by jeffatl

I always thought I would crumble at the sight of her, and let her make me weak again. Now that I know she doesnt have that control over me anymore, I feel like I am a free man, and a new man. Its refreshing to know I hold no baggage for my new lady, we hung out today and had the best time. For all you new people that are going through a hard break up, take me as an example. I was a shell of a man (just read my 1st thread here!) I thought I would never be free. If I can do it, so can you!

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Words of wisdom! Just the knowledge that you didn't "crumble at the sight of her" must be very liberating. :D

That is so sad.

I worry that something like that is going to happen to me with my girl. I would feel terrible even though it was the right thing. Sorry to be a downer but if you feel bad at all, that is what I am almost more afraid of happening than never seeing her again.

The ring is what makes it ALL her fault. I totally feel your right, but at this point I feel for her too. Regardless of if its horrible how she acts, it is still sad.

JC

Jeff, just read your first post ever. Pretty big change. You sounded about how I feel now, except my girl has not said she will definitely come back and does not constantly try to contact me and tell me she thinks we will be together 4-ever.

Yea, you don't feel too bad for her now do you! ;) Kidding, I felt bad for her too, but not enough to put myself through hell again like before. :p

Jeff,
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HAHAHAHA! I LOVE IT!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! (sorry, I can't contain myself!) Okay, so like I'm totally doing the running man here at my desk and everyone walking by thinks I'm nuts but that's why I have the big office and they don't! I just got out of a late night meeting with some clients, so tense and stressed and I read this and I am sooooooooooooooooooo damn proud of you! Omagosh! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhh!:D :) :D :eek: :eek: :D
Right on! You held together and did what you had to do. I know you have a heart of gold and didn't do it with the sheer intent of crushing her but you showed compassion and maturity and growth beyond belief. Wildcat was right, had you fallen apart with her, she would have dumped your butt and left skid marks. She knows she hurt you and tried to make you vulnerable again but she failed miserably. No stopping you now... good for you~
M.

P.S. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh hahahha!!

Excellent. You did this for yourself. You are now free from the past, you have dealt with it. Good for you. Like every other life experience it is a learning lesson.

Joe

Indeed!! - just think of all the new wonderful adventures awaiting you around the corner ;)

Jc - I think there are something you don't get. You need to know his whole story. It's not sad at all because of the way she treated him.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Jc - I think there are something you don't get. You need to know his whole story. It's not sad at all because of the way she treated him.

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I think JC realises that now. It's just he is in a bad place at the mo wildcat.

I know - I missed the last thread - my bad.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

I know - I missed the last thread - my bad.

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No worries :)

Yeah, I appreciate the happiness. I am personally feeling better. Just yesterday was probably one of the hardest days and it is great to see happy people coming out of my own situation. Good Luck.

Rock out with your clock out Jeff.

I am glad you are feeling better JC. Never give up, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. We have all been in your situation and come out the other side, stronger, wiser and happier. I know now I can cope with anything thrown at me. A year or so ago I couldn't cope with anything.

So keep your chin up. We are all here if you ever need to get anything off your chest ;)

Sweet! Good for you. We are all very happy for you. Congrats. LMF

Yeah DJ. I never thought I would come to the internet for answers to questions like these. But being able to say what I feel and have people understand is great. I can tell I will feel better soon. Like waves of clarity come over me, but I still at some points feel that I lost a good friend more than a girlfriend which is what really makes me a little sad. Its so weird to feel OK when I type clarity then by the time I hit the last word in the sentence I feel broken up again.

Crazy, eitherway I am asking out a girl I worked with a couple of weeks ago. Student teacher from a college by me. What's the worst that will happen?

JC

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Originally Posted by jc105

Yeah DJ. I never thought I would come to the internet for answers to questions like these. But being able to say what I feel and have people understand is great. I can tell I will feel better soon. Like waves of clarity come over me, but I still at some points feel that I lost a good friend more than a gf which is what really makes me a little sad. Its so wierd to feel ok when I type clarity then by the time I hit the last word in the sentence I feel broken up again.

Crazy, eitherway I am asking out a girl I worked with a couple of weeks ago. Student teacher from a college by me. Whats the worst that will happen?

JC

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You will feel up and down for a while, but soon enough it will pass. You just have to remember the good times that you have and taking it all as a learning curve. The fact that you are asking a girl out is great. Another step in the right direction.

Try to think of the getting over period in terms of stairs. You are taking one step at a time to reach the top of the stairs. Once you have reached the top you will find a door - soon enough you will walk through that door and Close it, then lock it, leaving everything behind you and enabling you to walk/move forward.

You are on your way - so well done!

Great way to look at it.

But...

As I always say - Heartache is avoidable!! Always.

You need to learn to have barriers - you can't let some one cross those barriers until they pass tests. You need to slowly develop the raltionship - anyone who rushes it WILL crash and burn and have heartache.

Heartache happens WHEN you put too much importance into someone. You make them your life... which is wrong. Your lover is PART of your life NEVER your life. They are an equal part of: Work, school, friends, family, religion, hobbies, WORKOUTS, etc.

Guys have heartache WHEN they put a women on a pedestal - women never deserve to be on a pedestal. They don't want this - too much pressure. Your lover should earn the right to be your equal - and this takes TIME. Even when they are your equal, there is always they chance they will leave - and when you make them your world - heartache.

Always keep busy with other thinsg in life. Always. And, early on - date others - you have to.

I just lost my whole post by hitting the wrong button on my laptop...

Summary -

I never put my girlfriend on a pedestal, promise wildcat. I treated her like crap a lot of the time. I never gave her much to stay for, but that is because she threw herself at me in the beginning and I had no respect for her.

Personally I never NEEDED her. Not financially or for any reason, she was just always with me. She followed me to NYC and back upstate all without me asking.

She loved me then, and I could never tell her to go. Now I know I love her and she has left. So conlusion, NO PEDESTAL! For god sakes and the reason why I am broken up is because I was in love with her and she was my best friend. I have to look for a new person to fill a void that has always been filled.

I feel this way about her not because I put her on a pedestal but because of what we've been through and who she is to me. So in a way I guess you can say she was a large part of my life but not in a day to day sense but in a rest of my life kind of way. The person I knew I would love on my deathbed. That kind of love, and maybe that scared her away also because she knew she had me now...

Life's a b**** and then you die. Good luck and good bye.

BAH! I went out with this girls best friend last night to catch up (she is also a good friend of mine). And she tells me that the gal Im talking to is also talking with her EX! She almost married this guy before she moved. Now, I really like this girl a lot, but Im not an idiot. I want to bring it up to her, but I don't want to get her friend in trouble for telling me, and Im not sure if its even my place to do so. I am just a REALLY up front person, and like to have everything on the table. LOL!! What the heck am I doing to myself! I think I like projects or something. Should I take a step back and let her figure out what the heck is going on, or walk and not look back?:confused:

Talking to ex.

Well, sure that could mean she's still into him, or that could mean they're friends, or that could mean the friend gave you a little test or nothing or??

If it makes you feel better bring up the idea of her ex casually... you can ask her something about that prior relationship and steer it toward is she still talking to him.

Or you can just be blunt about it and say you heard blah blah blah...

You're not comfortable with it, so if she's not comfortable with you being upset, then maybe alls not perfect.

I guess I'm biased cause I dated a girl for a long time (6 yrs) and was friends w her after until her new guy told her he was not comfortable with that.

It cost us a friendship... long after the guy was gone.

So you don't have to be happy about it, but don't freak cause she talks to the man. Unless you have reason to believe otherwise she's not necess playing you. If it bugs you that much then just ask her.

Well, pretty much what her friend told me "talking" means she is playing with the idea of getting back with him. Im not going to freak out about it, I just like things put on the table. I think I am just going to back off for a bit and let her go from here. I have pretty much done all I can from this point... meh.

Jeff,hope you don't get worked up because a girl you like is talking to her ex. It is her business and you have no real right to question her on it and why should you care? Just do your thing and be your confident self and don't worry about the competition. You of all people know what happens when we overreact and start to get needy and whinny about things that we perceive as a threat to a relationship. Be cool and pay attention before you become possessive and insecure. Remember you can't control how others feel about you so go slow and keep your eyes open and deal with this situation maturely.:cool:

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Originally Posted by jeffatl

Well, pretty much what her friend told me "talking" means she is playing with the idea of getting back with him. Im not going to freak out about it, i just like things put on the table. I think I am just going to back off for a bit and let her go from here. I have pretty much done all I can from this point.........meh.

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OK this is different than your question. Talking and talking with possible intentions of getting back together are different.

Guess you still don't know if she had the friend tell you this or whether the friend was looking out for you or whether the friend was out to mess up your relationship...

Id not get panicky... it is what it is... but you're going to need to know one way or the other so sit back and see or work it into a conversation.

Hi, Jeff,
I think it's good just to back off some, see what happens, as you said.
You will get her best friend in trouble if you bring it up.
There is a chance she and her ex are still just "good friends", also a chance she wants him back. Never know.
Hang in there, and best of luck.

I talk to my ex every week or so, after a period of her being that stupid ******** we understand we shared a lot of time together and have some common interests ( friends) now for a while she contacted me a lot, using all those "button" to try to control me or just make me unhappy one way or antoher. ( ex's are real good at that and seem to enjoy it)

You can't be afraid of an ex, anymore than the new guy at that bar, each of us will have friends and people we talk to that is not known to each other.
The fact you know must mean she is not keep ing it a secret.

Also you are just "talking" even if you are dating, have people not heard that dating does not mean engaged, people unless they are committing to each other are free to date others is they wish. One date ( and does not even sound like a real date) does not a commitment make.

I don't think it's a big deal - they are an ex for a reason - it was broke. It wasn't fixable.

Jeff - what do I Always say - YOU CAN'T WORRY ABOUT OTHER GUYS. Especially early on (first 6 to 9 months). There will ALWAYS be other guys IF she is a great gal. You can't worry about them. If you are secure - you don't care... worrying about other guys is insecure and needy - a huge turn off and she will leave. No question.

Don't bring it up - I ACTUALLY THINK IT'S HER FRIEND CAUSING TROUBLE. There A LOT friends of girls that will do ANYTHING to break up there friends relationships. Her friend should have never brought it up because it really isn't an issue until you are very exclusive. Women, for the most part, are jealous of their friends relationships. MANY women actually don't want to see their friends happy - they also HATE that you might take time away from 'their' friendship time.

Thanks guys. I think I am just going to leave this one alone. Im not really worried about this other guy, and if they do get back together, I will just find another gal. I guess the reason they broke up was because she was tranfered in her job to another state. This guy STILL lives pretty far away from her, and so do I. I don't really want to get into a LDR anyway. I think I will just keep things as friends until or if she comes back.

Long Distance is really hard. Sometimes you maight not hear from that person for a week or two. It takes a lot of work, no question.

I would advise reading all the free articles at www.lovetactics.com.

Yes, I agree with the above advise. Try not to think about the other guy's. Don't put that in the relationship/friendship you have. Let it go and let time take care. Good luck.

It sounds like you're not very happy with this arrangement and rightly so. I wouldn't bother confronting her about it ; you know the truth, courtesy of her best friend and that's what's important. Just click your heels and walk away without any fanfare or explanation.

Confronting her will only bring bad - look for her signals when you talk with her. See if she is still interested. Keep her in the game - she's allowed to see other guys.

The only time you'd bring it up is if you thought you were exclusive.