I totally agree with GlindaofOz I think it's deeper then he just wanted out of your relationship. It's almost like something is severely wrong in his head.Quote:
Originally Posted by GlindaofOz
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I totally agree with GlindaofOz I think it's deeper then he just wanted out of your relationship. It's almost like something is severely wrong in his head.Quote:
Originally Posted by GlindaofOz
I know Glinda that's my question " what the heck is with this guy?" It does really bug me because I just don't get it. I know I need to move on and I am but sometimes when the breakup is as bizarre as this one the questions seem to haunt you night and day. A lot of people on here don't think that our relationship was as stable and content as I think it was but I think after 7 years with someone you kind of get a feel for how that person is feeling and acting. He was always very attentive to my needs and my happiness and then he was just gone to live this crazy destructive life and I can't make sense of it. I do know that I probably never will but I just don't know how to get it out of my mind.Quote:
Originally Posted by GlindaofOz
I really don't think this is anything new but my grandfather left my grandmother
With a family to raise, and moved to a different state and remarried... His
Name was never spoken and my grandmother really hated him... Only finding this
Out when one of my cousins named her son JOHN -- oops not a good name!!
I worked with a man who seemed perfectly happy with his life, we were real close
Friends... We had an arrangement where I paid him for a ride to work, and talked
On the way to and from work about 15 miles round trip...
He was friendly with a gal at work but nothing was ever said until her and her
Husband split up... Things were pretty hostile for a while but seemed to settle down...
I was really shocked to find out he had moved out and living with this gal...
Not knowing what happened I called to talk to him, only to have his wife drop the
Bomb on me... I was shocked!!
Just thought he could have given me a clue??
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissingHim2Much
I really have to wonder if something is going on with him psychologically. This behavior is just so bizarre. If I was in your shoes I know I would just be thunking myself on the head all day long going "WHAT IS THIS BIZARRO WORLD???".
It was your relationship if you say it was happy and stable then I think we all have to go on that. You lived it we didn't. None of us was there. Though clearly he is not as happy as stable as you thought he was. Are you friendly with anyone close to him, what do those people think about what's going on with him? Is anyone else as concerned as you?
Glinda finally someone on here that thinks like I do about all this. I have to agree that it seems as if something is psychologially wrong with him. As far as being friendly with anyone close to him, well they all think the same thing as I do. They think he's lost his mind and can't comprehend why he just up and left like he did. None of them are even speaking to him now. All his previous friends don't have anything to do with him now. As far as his family is concerned I haven't talked to any of them. I figured N/C included them as well. But I can bet money that they have no clue about this girls life and all the trouble she's been in both past and present. He would never tell his good Christian parents about her.Quote:
Originally Posted by GlindaofOz
Well thank goodness others see what a total flip he has done that must give you some peace to know its not "all in your head" or anything.
Who the heck knows what's going on with him. He clearly thinks behaving this way and carrying on with this girl is worth more then maintaining all of the his other relationships.
I think that we could all sit here all day long trying to figure out what his problem is and that will get you nowhere. I think you just have to accept that he is not healthy and its for the best that he is no longer in your life
Thanks Glinda,Quote:
Originally Posted by GlindaofOz
He has definitely burned all his bridges. I can't wait to hear his reasons if and when he ever realizes what he's done. Not only to me but to everyone that cared about him. Oh well what can you do. My goal is to move on and accept all of this and I know I've made some progress. At least I'm not ready to take him back if he wanted to. A few weeks ago I would've taken him back no questions asked. NOT ANYMORE!!
Missing, I am so sorry for your pain. My story is similar to yours but not quite as dramatic. Your poor heart seems to take another blow everyday. I just can't see how someone can go from a happy life to a crazy one and then expect to be happy. I think he will soon realise he isn't happy with her. She is his rebound and that never works out.
"She was like one of the family and we had to put her to sleep because she couldn't walk anymore. He went into the room with her while the vet put her down and he held her while she was dying. He was a mess about that for along time. He also resently found out his mother is dying of parkinsons disease and cryed on my shoulder many times about this."
Loss we understand but our reactions to it can be very profound. The loss of a long time friend (canine friend) can be more devastating than the loss of a parent, sib. Or other human but is shorter lived.
Loss renewed (mother) more devatation and maybe this person finds comfort in retreating from the one he loves most (you.) You are part of his world which was turned upside down and to be at peace he has removed himself from any memories or familiarities with loss by hiding from you. In time he should be able to deal with the memories and no longer need to hide from you.
Any guilt associated with his present behavior will have to delt with by both of you and I hope he's not going to play hide-and-go-seek again. Best wishes to you and remember you will grow and survive.
Thank you statictable, This could very well be the answers I've been looking for. I have thought this entire time that his behavior was completely out of character but couldn't comprehend why he would or could change so drasticly. You are very wise!!Quote:
Originally Posted by statictable
<A few weeks ago I would've taken him back no questions asked. NOT ANYMORE!! >
Hi missing,
What an awful situation,
However in some ways this is great... now you will be able to accept it is over, and move on.
Hi rol, I accept its over for about an hour everyday, then its back to thinking he will realize how much he loves me and be back. I know one thing I've accepted, I will never fully get over this for the rest of my life.Quote:
Originally Posted by rol
Given the fact that most guys thinnk with the two minor organs of the human anatomy I would dare say YES he is an idiot but lets face it do you really want to be with a guy that is that stupid you don't sound like white tralier trash from middle america babe tidy yourself up get some nice shoes and go out and find yourself a man that will love you for what you are a classy sensible womanQuote:
Originally Posted by MissingHim2Much
<I accept its over for about an hour everyday, then its back to thinking he will realize how much he loves me and be back. I know one thing I've accepted, I will never fully get over this for the rest of my life.>
Hi Missing,
I thought that last year also after my ex left 3 months before our wedding, I really thought I would never ever get over it. I thought at that time he had done some damage to his brain as he completely changed!
It took about a year and I am now over it.
No contact, focusing on myself , meeting lots of new people and doing new things and travelling really really helped.
I have not dated anyone and have just found a happy place alone.
You will be fine Missing but it takes time.
Ok, brace yourself.
I don't think this was his first affair. I think this is the first woman he up and ran off with though.
Just because you were happy for 7 years doesn't mean he was. He has issues. I see no signs of communication or maturity in his actions.
I know this is a terrible thought, but you might need to consider this as you spend months wondering why he left.
Trust me. He did you a FAVOR... reading all of the details of your life and the life he chose - it sounds not good. PAIN is all you can feel for now. In a few months you will feel a little better and then a little better in a few more months. It's going to take a while. BUT if you go back, it's going to take even longer. WHY did he do it?? It's who he is. You are making him into something he's not right now because of your pain and memories...
OUCH!! Ash,Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
That hurts... I know how you would think that considering who this person sounds like right now but I don't think you know all the aspects of our lives. My sons were his bestfriends and he works with and rode to work with my oldest son. He had lost his drivers license just before we got together for some driving violations so didn't drive to work. He had to come straight home of course because he didn't drive so having an affair after or before work was impossible. He rarely went to bars or clubs but when he did he was with one or both of my sons. My youngest son was his fishing buddy and they went fishing almost every weekend I usually went too. As I've said before we did everything together, grocery shopping, going to the laundry mat etc. etc. We were big time football fans so we watched all the games together and that kind of stuff. He doesn't have a cell phone so sneaking around and texting or talking to someone wasn't happening. We don't have a computer so he couldn't have met someone online ( I use the one at my work to talk to you all ) My youngest son and my ex were very close and would like I said go fishing or stay home and play video games. I say he was happy because he acted happy he was always laughing and joking and never moped around like he was anything but happy. I think it is what it is. A cute girl at work stoked his ego by saying he was wonderful, cute, funny, sexy etc. etc. Most men ( not all men ) but most are ego maniacs and if you are a female that knows how to play the game, Well. ( it worked ) She had also cryed to him about being in an abusive relationship. So with the ego stroking and playing the pity card combination she was able to get his attention and get what she wanted. As my son says. My ex is being her CAPTAIN SAVE A HO! I really don't think it was anymore complicated then that. It hurts like hell that he could be taken in like that but I do think it was just that simple.
I agree Missing, It wouldve been pretty hard to cheat when all his time was spent with you and/or your sons. And I think that this girl sought him out and played him like a fiddle. Women are good at that if they see something they want and don't have any morals.
Umm, so this woman is taking all the blame?
And men will just have a "tumor" and go for "drama" ??
Umm, yes, it happens. But it is not just "men" it is your significant other who didn't propose for 7 years.
I'd say he's kind of run out his welcome... no?
That just isn't the facts. He may be a fun guy to fish with and laugh with but he needs to be held accountable.
IF (and I hope she is) the first. He has made his bed and he must lie in it. If he is "the one" why aren't you married?
Something is wrong here and he did you a favor as far as I can tell.
I DO know that when we are in love we ascribe qualities to people that they may or may not have. It takes WORK to see them with clear eyes. From where I am sitting this just looks like a mess that your child should be shielded from. I just don't see good judgement - and to pin it ALL on the other woman is just not right. It takes two to tango. He was not hypnotized. And if he was, what kind of role model is that weak?
He sure as heck better show some serious character to even be considered for another try. You OWE that to your offspring.
I would cut contact with him for at least two years - and then you can see how he chooses to live his life and see if that is a role model. This is serious stuff and it is getting treated like "Oh, that HO..." He has free will. And so do you.
I am rooting for you to get what you should have: A man who can commit to more than... half his clothes and a new girlfriend.
Take the high road and you may be surprised who comes your way.
PS - As for "never getting over it for the rest of your life..." I believe that life works in mysterious ways - and if we have good karma - it may soon get even BETTER for you. Don't be surprised if you DO get over this - and sooner than you think... not tomorrow. Not next month... But one day...
Hi Ash,Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
Please don't get me wrong I blame him in every sense of the word. He has absolutely no exuse for the things he has done. And that's why I said in my earlier posts that at first I wouldve taken him back no questions asked BUT NOT ANYMORE!! And I don't think he's even the same person anymore, I was just describing who he was when we were together and how I didn't think he was cheating on me then. I wasn't trying to put all the blame on her alone I just have heard that she was pursuing him for a few weeks before he left and those are some of the things she was heard to of said. And as far as marriage he has purposed to me and I was the one that said no. I was married for 17 years prior to us getting together and I didn't think I ever wanted to get married again. It's probably a good thing I didn't say yes to marriage. As far as commitment while we were together he was nothing but committed. But like I said that was a different person from who he is now. And I said it seemed like he had a brain tumor because he did something so out of character. Even his best friends were shocked and surprised at how he just up and left and left everything he owns behind. My sons are both grown adults and I'm not worried about him being an influence on them. He was a friend to them but definitely not a role model. He does have free will and made his own choices. I have asked friends and family if he seemed to be as good a guy as I thought he was or was I just stupid. They all agreed that they all thought he was a great guy to me, and to them BUT now he isn't someone they would ever want to be around again. I am slowly starting to agree with them. I love him but in time I hope to forget that love and make better choices in the future. I am finally getting to a place where I can say I NEVER WANT HIM BACK! Period.
You said NO.
There was a reason.
Thank the lord.
You sound like a sane woman with good sense... I GUARANTEE as time goes on, and your pain recedes... you will shake your head and think you are better off...
It is going to take a while, and the sooner you can accept -truly accept the end... you can begin.
I cannot think of a worse thing to go through than you are - you have my support....And I just want you to get to a good place sooner. He may not be the devil, just not husband material for you - Sane One... :-)
Hello again missing, your story is so sad it breaks my heart. But listen, the future is a mystery. My story is very similar to yours and my ex just popped the question. I have not responded to him but I'm just saying you can't predict the future. It might all seem hopeless and you may never want him back but you might. I was with my ex for 5 years and he never hurt me before this. From what I've read in your story that this was the first time your ex ever hurt you as well. True? Well I sure have'nt made up my mind about my ex but I have to consider we had 5 wonderful years and that has to count for something.
Thanks DJ I think that way too sometimes. My ex hasn't called but If he did he would have to do backflips to prove he loves me. If and when he did I would have to consider the past 7 years and how great they were.
Just for the record... I think it is unhealthy to think this guy has potential.
It hurts like hell, but until there is an actual end, there cannot be a new beginning.
I cannot imagine the hurt and the pain, but you seem to be taking it with a sane approach somehow! Keep going....
Well mam its something crazy with me. I fell in love with one of my school seniors an year back.when I madly loved him I found that he was married and had a kid.but he said he loved me because I made him secure,I alwaz talked emotional things with him,made him feel like no one ever did.trust me till the end of the season he was madly in love with me.and I never had to even hold his hand.
Its emotional intimacy!! traet them like kid and they would love you.I left this man when I got to know abouut him although he wanted to leave family for me.cause sometimes in life its all about the right decision.
I would like to say that its good for you that you're not with him.coz you deserve better.
Wish you lucks...
Hey guys,
I think all of you know my story by now. Anyway I thought I'd gone through all of the stages of grief at this point. I just hit the 2 month mark since my boyfriend left me for another woman, who he now lives with. I've been through shock, denial, anger, disbelief OK still at disbelief but I thought I was getting better. I try to keep busy, I hang out with family mostly, I watch funny movies and actually laugh at them. I'm past crying 24/7 now and I've gotten back into a somewhat normal patteren of eating and sleeping. Well at least better then I did at first. I didn't eat or sleep for the first week. The one thing I haven't been able to control are the constant memories that play in my head over and over. It's like a battle I can't seem to win. But now, after all the weeks of pain and heartache and slowly thinking I'm finally going to get through this. And like I said laughing and keeping busy, I'm starting to feel this onset of doom and gloom sinking in. It's like this overwhelming feeling of depression is taking over and I can't fight it. I was actually feeling better and coming to terms with all that has happened. I guess what I want to know from anyone that's been through this is, why after I felt better am I now having this sinking feeling that life is over for me now and it's just not worth anything anymore? Did any of you go through this deep depression even after you made progress? Is this normal or should I be worried?
The thing you have to realize is, YOUR NOT CRAZY! Losing a bf/gf is like losing a loved one, and grieving takes time. Nobody can put a time limit on how long this is going to hurt, and the truth is it might be a while before you feel 100%. What you really need to do is try and find something to keep your mind off this. I'm sure people have told you to work out, or find a new hobby... and you really do need to. The more time you have doing nothing, the more time you will pine over this. When me and my ex broke up it took me about 6 months to get over her, but about a year and a half to sort through the damage I ended up doing to myself. I think the best thing I could tell you is take your time, deal with this IN FULL before you move on. If you need to, keep a journal and just get your feelings out or they will eat you up. This place was that journal for me. I had more than a few melt downs on here, but in some crazy way it all made me stronger. You will make it through this, people go through break-ups all the time and even though you think NOBODY could ever feel as bad as you do... alot of us have. I think in some crazy way it's good for people that let themselves get too attached to a person (like me) go through a situation that makes them re-think the way they treat relationships. Don't shrug this off, learn from it. I know this sounds crazy, but in a year or so from now you will be much stronger. Also, don't think that not thinking about him means your over him because that's not true. Up until about 3 months ago I thought about my ex everyday... not always bad either. 2 moths is still not a very long time, take each step one at a time and GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO HEAL... please don't jump into another relationship until you have... if you do, you learn nothing fromt his and go right back into your old patterns. Don't worry about the depression unless it gets to a point you might do something stupid. It's natural to be depressed, you were hurt. You seem like a very intelligent woman, and I'm sure a very caring person, so there is no way you are "worthless". You are getting better, I promise. The crazy part is, you will just wake up one day, and not think about it... then when you do, it won't hurt near as bad... it's really strange but that's when you will know you are going to be fine. Just don't rush this, take your time and deal with it, learn from it, and let this make you a stronger person. If I can make it, so can you. Chin up!
Great advice jeffatl.
Hi missinghim,
As Jeff says its like a death, except its worse as you see the corpse around, and you hear about the corpse and in many cases the corpse contacts from time to time,
What you are feeling is so normal...
I've been through it last year , ups and downs all year... I found all the major days(anniversary, christmas, birthdays ) reminded me of the breakup.
One day I woke uip and he was no longer on my mind... the thoughts drift further and further away... kind of like a ship going out to sea.
Im fine now and have a happy life again. It takes time though.
You will be fine.
I agree 100% with the journal thing, Ive filled 50+ pages with rambling thoughts. A lot of times I will write to 'her' and tell her exactly what's on my mind, it's a harmless way of getting the thoughts out of your head without talking to the person. I have been in the same stage as you for the last week, and it's a HORRIBLE feeling I know.
Ive been reading this book I picked up in the self help section its called happiness now. Its kind of corny but it actually makes me feel partially better after reading some of it (if only for an hour or two). The book basically describes how to find happiness inside you. Im not one to read or recommend books like that, but surprisingly its made me feel a bit better a bunch of times.
Good luck, we will all get through this together some day!
And remember one thing, YOU ARE AMONG MILLIONS WHO ARE, AND HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS. Just look at this board. We all survived and we all went through all the motions you are going through.
I have only been through one awful break-up in my life. That was last year. Every other time, I was fine after 2-3 weeks, if that. But last year, it took me 5 months to fully get the POISON of my ex out of my system.
Getting through a tough break-up is probably analgous to kicking a bad drug problem. You're going through a remission. Some days you jones for the drug again, i.e. HIM/HER. You're doing fine. You've already kicked the habit, NOW YOU HAVE TO STAY STRONG.
And remember, every day that passes is one day closer to being FULLY OVER IT. You're on your way! YOU KNOW IT TOO!
--Cali
I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better! I think that you have lived with this long enough that you are finally digesting it. I think for a long time this whole situation was just sitting on your chest completely paralyzing you. Now its starting to lift.
FYI the stages of grief:
Denial - The initial stage (ie "This can't be happening!")
Anger - i.e. WHY ME? Its not fair! Etc
Bargaining - i.e. "Just let them come back thats all I need"
Depression
Acceptance - "Its going to be okay"
CONGRATS! You look like you're at Acceptance! Pop the champagne girl!
Thanks Glinda and Thank you everyone, This web site is a God send. Some answers have been compassionate and some a bit harsh but all in all everyone here does really care and that's so important to people in the midst of heartbreak. I have been through all of the stages listed above. But the one stage that seems to have the strongest hold on me is DENIAL!! I have waverd back and forth between every stage mentioned but I'm still in denial. I try to convince myself that he's the villain here, he's the one that hurt me, he's the one that threw away a 7 yr relationship for another woman. But then I tell myself no way, not him he loved me too much to do any of this. It's like he got taken over by an invasion of the body snatchers. Why do I still think he's the same loving, caring person he was?Quote:
Originally Posted by GlindaofOz
Because that's how you knew him so of course that's how you still see him. Its like how your parents always still see you as a 5 year old. Its hard to switch off what you believed to be true.
Sometimes I think about all I put into my 7 year relationship and everything I passed along to him that he is now sharing with his new girlfriend. When we first got together I spent lots of time making all of these fabulous meals for him ( cause mama always said the fastest way to a mans heart is through his stomach). Over the years he wanted to learn how to make all the same meals I had made for him. It wasn't just teaching him how to cook either, it was many things. To many to mention actually. Hell I even showed him how to find a woman's happy happy fun place, all of which he is now doing for her. I'm sure she thinks he's this great lover and that he's freakin Chef Boy R Dee and I'm sure she just thinks he's mr wonderful. Well who the hell does she think made him so wonderful. He certainly didn't come that way. Well not to me anyway. It just drives me crazy sometimes to think that she's reaping all the rewards for all my hard work. Don't get me wrong I do still love him and I miss him very much and the pain is still hard to deal with but I was just wondering if I'm the only one that thinks this way. Does it bother any of you that all you gave of yourself is now being shared with someone else?
I know exactly what you mean.. I have the same feeling about my ex but I just let it all go the other day so I really don't care. Just always remember where he learned how to cook.
I JUST LET GO!! I can't wait to be able to say that outloud and really mean it.Quote:
Originally Posted by crushedovernover
You are not alone, it bothers all of us. Well, I won't speak for everyone, but it's natural to be bothered that your loved one is now sharing everything you two once shared. There are things that you must have picked up from him that you will carry on and share with someone else. It doesn't have to be physical, it can be how to see things, or how to do something. A relationship isn't always one sided.
It hurts me that she's going to be with someone else, but what can you do? Try to pick up the pieces and move on. We will be stronger once we get through it. It can be a hard road, but know that you are not alone in feeling the way that you do. Stay strong. For every dark night, there's a brighter day.
Missing Him, I have followed your posts for a while now. I hope you find some peace in your life soon. Heartache is a real pain as well as an emotional one, and it causes real damage to your body. Please, do something nice for yourself every day. A quiet moment with something you enjoy... warm bath, glass of wine, cup of tea, whatever. Know that many people are rooting for your "recovery" your situation is a sad one, but you can come out of it with your head held high. Best of luck to you.
Im in the same boat as you, and have very similar thoughts quite frequently. It will be so great when this pain is over won't it?
OMG I'm sorry but this is just funny because it is so true! I have nearly passed the point of caring anymore that she has what I made. I guess that's why I can laugh about it now. Someday you will be able to laugh about it too.
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