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Remember this: There are TWO reasons to go no contact 1) so you get to heal/gain perspective 2) because if someone does not want all of you they get none of youQuote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
They broke up with you they don't get to pop in and out and take bits and pieces. Its either or the whole pie or nothing no one is giving away slices. Does that make more sense?
Funny thing id tiodatt what you are thinking is what every normal guy thinks why does she have to miss me to want me??
Why does she has to need me to want me back??
Why can't she just realise she still likes me??
These are normal responses and to many guys they seem to be what we think.
But if yiou look at it when people first meet they don't really know each other and this is what many females are attracted to themystery. Since there is no mystery with you because she knows what she gets, the mystery that will be created which will bring her back will be the mystery of what you are doing which will give her the feeling of wanting to know and then she may contact you because its a lot about feelings now.
I know what you mean by it would be easier if she just realised she wanted me. Its not this simple she is probably in a state of confusion and really doeant know what she is wanting at the moment, but I can tell you from what I've read if you stick around you will only help her get over you, although sticking around and being the nice guy who is there for her may sound right I'm led to believe if she wanted a break and said we can still talk. Say OK but don't be available to her. Be busy even if your not busy don't answer let her think about things. Don't say anything silence is golden. Don't me mean ring her at a later time tell her your on the way out but just want to check she's doing fine.
Take this advice ihave red many posts today and this seems the best method. Any contact youmake even if you think your doing the right thing your not being quiet will show her your busy and even moving on which will show her she has no fallback.
Honestly most girls don't think of you as fallback but they do want and like you to be there just in case things don't go there wqy or they ralise they do want you and you are the one you can enhance the possibility of this by not being available which will get her all worked up and wantinng you more..
TRY THIS
Update of sorts:
Although it was harder than I had hoped it would be, I kept her in my block list and did not talk to her online tonight.
I know she was online, though, as I checked from another account. The funny thing is, I am her only "buddy" on the instant messenger in question, as all her friends use another program.
I don't know why this is so hard on me--I guess I had grown accustom to talking to her again on a regular basis, and closing that off (especially knowing she was there, waiting to talk to me!) was not easy.
I don't really know what to do in the long-term. I am hoping that she will either escalate her contact with me (phone call, meeting up, etc.), or that I will get better by not worrying about our conversations every night after I have them.
In other news, I met a cute girl last Friday, who I called tonight--she sounded excited at my offer to meet up for dinner or drinks!
Talking online gives it that almost anonymous feeling. No pressure. And believe me, even when there is "no reason" there is a reason. Meeting you for a drink she accomplishes many things: are you still interested in any degree? Are you available? Are you curious enough to take the risk? Have you moved on? If you haven't and decide to go, it allows her to scratch that itch. Are you a tool for that? Should you be?
That you say you don't know why you broke up is bad news. Either you're in denial or you weren't paying attention.
She has trust, anger, and commitment issues.Quote:
Originally Posted by momincali
I know I came on too strong for her, when I told her that I loved her after dating her for about 5 months.
I don't think she has had much success keeping relationships going after 3-4 months.
Beyond that, I am at a loss. We had great sex 2 days prior to the breakup, she asked for keys to my place 1 day prior to the breakup, and complained about not seeing me enough the same day.
Now, what part of your sane mind is attracted to a person who has trust, anger and commitment issues??
Did she actually tell you she has these issues and this is why she wanted to break up? Are these her tickets/excuses for all her breakups? If so, this is not the person you need to be with.
Please don't spend another minute trying to be with someone who's issues you cannot fix. It is guaranteed to lead to more heartache and a whole lot of wasted time and frustration.
You sound like you can be a really great partner in a relationship. Understand that even if you worked overtime with this girl, it will never be fruitful because it needs to be 50-50. People with these types of character flaws are too selfish to give 100% of themselves. It's not fear, it's selfishness. Stating or admitting that they have these flaws is a defense mechanism and certainly an out.
She sent me a lengthy email about what she described as "anger issues" that she cannot control and should seek help for that "have ended all of her relationships in the same way."Quote:
Originally Posted by momincali
She had an ex cheat on her recently, and had a hard time trusting me, and I am not sure if she ever fully did--me bringing this fact up resulted in the aforementioned email.
I am assuming she has commitment issues, as she also mentioned how she gets to "three or four months" in a relationship, and they all end--with her making the break.
I realize that I cannot change her, but I was willing to work through the trust issues, and I genuinely thought she was making a concerted effort and things were better in that regard. That, and I love her.
Thanks for your input, it is appreciated.
**** I found the email in question, in relevant portion it reads:
Hey. What is going on between us? Or you are probably asking yourself what
Is going on with me? Well to be honest this isn't the first relationship that
This has happened, where I get upset a lot. I don't know where it comes from
And I honestly do not know how to control it. You say its EASY, to just stop
Doing it, but in fact I've tried that time and time again and nothing works.
And when I say I don't know how to change it... its because I really don't.
...
Yes I probably have an anger problem and probably need help from other sources... I probably can't help myself because I've tried that before. I care for you a lot and I don't
Like how I treat you sometimes and don't want you to "walk on ice" around me.
I would like to change for you and for myself. And when I say "you probably
shouldn't be with me" that's because I know how I am and know how every other
Relationship has ended. So I am not trying to make you mad when I say that.
Sorry.
As I read this email above I only see excuses and excuses and no real willingness to change. It says : "you should accept me as I am". Selfish thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
GOOD FOR YOU!! GOOD JOB BUDDY! I'm so proud. I know how hard NC is and this is awesome that you are staying strong :)
You met this cute girl because you checked the "still hanging on to ex" vibe at the door! Do this daily! Of course she's excited at an invitation to go out with you. Be the perfect gentleman, funny, charismatic and you will likely have her eating out of the palm of your hands.
Update of sorts:
In a really weird turn of events (I made a mistake in a doctor's appointment for an injury, my ex is a medical student and was in the area, and I needed someone to check on me, and she needed to see something right next to my apartment), I saw my ex in person for the first time in exactly seven weeks. It was also the first time I had heard her voice in that span.
I think I handled the meeting well. I did not mention anything having to do with us, or our relationship. I cracked a few jokes, talked with her, and smiled. I happened to be looking pretty good at the time.
I really have no idea what she thought of our meeting--she even commented how it was weird to hear my voice, but good to see me as we said goodbye.
Somewhat at my instigation, she also mentioned she still wanted to get together for drinks, but has a hectic schedule the next week or so, so we have no definite plans.
I also have no idea how this will affect me after the excitement of seeing her fades.
Don't call her for drinks or conversation. That's what she wants, you to show interest, and chase her on her terms. If she was serious would she be intiating the contact?
Just do it and see where it takes you, go from there
I agree, and I am not planning on calling her, or initiating any contact with her, for that matter.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I guess I should clarify how I ended up seeing her today. I made a doctor's appointment, and was checking my email shortly before leaving when she messaged me. She said she was going to be near my apartment, and was wondering if I would be home. I said, no, I have an appointment.
When I got to the doctor, it turns out my appointment was not until tomorrow. So I called her and said it looked like I would actually be home, and that she could stop by, and look at my injury for me.
We took a short walk together, talked for about 20-30 minutes, and she was on her way.
She is going to be back home starting Friday for at least 5 days, though, so she'll be somewhat out of sight/mind again.
If she ever asks. Ask why? I wouldn't bother with her. Too much confusion, let her grow up and figure out life her way and without you.
Hello everyone,
It's been exactly two months since my ex girlfriend broke up with me. I maintained strict NC on my end the first ~seven weeks, when my ex started to instant message me everyday at night. We would talk for 30 minutes to an hour. At the end of the week, she also went out of her way to see me in person, which is the first time we had seen each other since the breakup.
It's now been six days since I talked to her last. She is out of town, visiting her family and working 12 hour days, which may certainly account for why I haven't talked to her in the past week.
However, I also broke NC last Friday when I sent her a message on her Facebook account that more or less indicated I was still interested in her (I did not say I love you, I need you, etc.) She responded with something that could be interpreted as either tongue-in-cheek funny, or somewhat cold. There's really no way for me to know.
That said, I have had a strong desire to contact her the past several days. I really do not have anything to say to her, and I honestly feel like, in terms of getting over her, I am by far at the best place I have been since we broke up. I also know that maintaining NC has helped me tremendously, and the main reason I sent her the Facebook message, other than being drunk, was because the week of conversations that I had with her had given me the (false) hope of getting back together.
Why do I have such a strong compulsion to talk to her, and how can I resist it?
Thank you!
LONELINESS!
This is the #1 reason you feel the need to have contact with her. She is giving you the attention and feelings that you have been longing for since the break up. I recently went through this with my ex-husband after we filed for divorce. I had no feelings for him but yet I still kept in contact with him because I didn't want to feel alone. Time will make this feeling fade and two months doesn't even put a dent in it. Have you tried dating someone since the split?
I think you may be spot on about the loneliness factor.Quote:
Originally Posted by margarita_momma
Speaking of dating someone else, I have a date tonight. This will be the first time I've gone out with someone since the breakup, so hopefully it will put a dent in my lonely feelings.
Thank you for your response!
What do you mean by you are tempted to break no contact??
You haven't had no contact to break.. You've been in constant contact with her so what is that you think you are breaking?
We've been over this before. Get on with focusing on your life and not what she is doing.
Hello everyone,
It's now been two months since my girlfriend ended our relationship.
While I thought I was finally beginning to get over her, I've felt as bad or worse than I did since day one of the breakup.
I just feel at a complete loss, and am not sure what to do next.
I avoided contact with her for nearly 7 weeks, until she talked to me every night for a week online. Ultimately, I even saw her in person the other week, at her instigation.
I know this contact with her is likely the cause for my downturn in mood, but it's also reaffirmed my love for her.
I've attempted to stay busy--working out, reading, enjoying time to myself, going out with friends--and I have even went on a date recently. Nothing seems to help--I find myself lonely and sad, and feeling utterly hopeless.
What can I do?
Cut all contact if she calls don't answer. Only time willheal and adventuallyyou wontget over it but you will learn to live with it.
Whatever youdo Don't meet up don't do anything. She will contact you againits only been 7 days. Talking to her for a week that was a boig mistake...
Learn one thing mate she gets all of you or none of you!!
She is eitheryour girlfriend and gets to be part of your life or gets nothing you dontneed to explain this to her but if she contacts wantingto meet up you don't just send her amsg you get all are nothing and leave it at that and never contac her again...
Its hard but it straight she is your girlfriend or not! Don't let them trhow you the friends card... Play it straigfht its eitheronoroff.
Thanks for your reply, mac.Quote:
Originally Posted by mckenzie134
That's OK. You're only human.
Just start over.
90 days - starting now. For real..
And get some girls as surrogates GF's: Just Friends... so you don't feel starved.
Then one day between now and then WHAM - new tiodaat!
Watch out ladies!
I hear it, what I love about this site is that you find soooooo many people going through the same thing. I have mentioned it to death in other posts but I too am kind of where your at save the contact. My ex-girl and me split 3 months ago and I last spoke to her 2 months ago and ithurst like hell.
I think your right about the re-caontact, I guess we WANT to speak to them to not feel lonely, but ultimately we would like to know we are missed, that we meant something to them and there not just over us and on to another person. That's what makes me want to call her, well that... aaaandd... other stuff... but still ,mostly that.
Many people said DON'T CALL, CUT ALL CONTACT, I have and it still hurts, but you just got to do it and trust that time will heal this. I feel better, slow but steady progress, but I do know exactly how you feel when you say when you think about her it can change your mood, one minute I couldn't care less and the very next I'm sad and depressed. I hope this helps a bit cause I sympathize with these situations, almost as if we do feel like we will never get that someone again... I like to think we all will:)
First thing is to NEVER take her calls. I contacted her 2 months into breakup. That was my first mistake, went rite back to square one. My second mistake was a week later asking her I still wanted us to be married, hurt like hell when she said NO. I e-mailed her twice in 4.5 months that's was it. When you are in contact with a person or see that person all the time you do not heal. So stay NC and stay busy, in time that love will fade. I don't even know if I love my ex anymore.
LOL... SAB your last comment was funny. Just that I am sooo glad you are at that stage where it appears you are getting much better over time, but the funny part is that its odd we would feel happy about falling out of love, but in this case it is so true. Like "I'm soooooo happy, i'm finally not in love" LOL
I know how it feels I have been there... just think about this...
How long have you been with her? Has she been out partying and having fun with other guys while your down on yourself and feeling bad?. is she worth it? Worth another chance? Another heartach?
The logical thing is to cut and find yourself someone somewhere... anyone.. any girl for short time fun if you can't find something for long (make sure she is looking for short time fun as well or that would be just crule and mean to her)... hang out have fun... take her off your mind.
But I do know the heart has a weird twist of logic to its own... just carful my friend...
Best of luck to you.
Now that you mention it that is funny... lol. I know you are 3 months in and I am 6 months in. When you get to your 6th months it's not as bad. I still have very, very bad days but the are far in between now. I still hurt sometime not because I miss her I think it's the way she treated me and used me. But I can look back and remember my 3rd month in, I was soooo hurt and was still crying at that point. I'm just glad I healed to a point now where if she does come back I can tell her to get lost.
Would'nt that be nice, makes me feel good just visualizing that:)
Trust me it will come In the 3rd month in despite what people were telling me here and at home I would have still taking her back. But once I let go that when it got eiser. The 5 month in the dust started settling, then bingo all these red flags of things she did and espically said started popping up. I feel stupid for ever taking her back the other 6 times... lolQuote:
Originally Posted by BMI
How long did you date?
Can determine timetable... and to some degree your age...
Standing by:
He said on another question he posted a little over 4 month's and never got his age.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
We dated for ~5 months.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
We are both 24 years old.
I think it's 2 months for every year to get over some one but, I also believe if your still in contact with them or how bad the relationship ended are big facters too.
OK, you are a prime candidate for total NC pay off...
In no longer than 5 months - I'd say 3... at your age and type of situ -
If you do 100% NC you will be good.
Let me know.
A calendar to mark the days with adjectives is a good one... let's you see your progress - if you want - then toss it one day :-)
Does your age play a huge in getting over someone,and what would the time frame be for almost 5 years and my age is 35Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
Well, you are of an age when you are more likely to be seeking a lifemate -
So, you may have more vested in the relationship.
Also, 5 years would require (in loose unofficial math) about 10-12 months...
The good news is if you go to NC you will feel a little better every couple months -and hold it... (it restarts each time you break it) until you are DONE: (You can see your ex/hear of your ex - with someone else and yawn... )
It doesn't happen all at once... until one day - boom - it happens...
I'm sooooooo looking forward to the BOOM>... LOL
Hello everyone,
I think I have finally come to terms with what likely led to my ex girlfriend breaking up with me some two months ago. Although I guess there is no way for me to know for sure if this was the impetus behind the breakup, I feel as if after a lot of reflection on the subject I finally have something positive that I can keep in mind in my future relationships.
My mistake was conflating the happiness and love I felt with my girlfriend with my overall outlook on life, and MY general happiness.
This is somewhat difficult for me to put into words, but essentially I believe that I lost sight of ME--my goals, my value, my independence--and associated all my positive feelings with my girlfriend.
Don't get me wrong--I worked out everyday, attended my grad school classes, hung out with my friends--but I think I had honestly convinced myself that it was my girlfriend, and not everything else in my life that I worked hard for and have going for me that was responsible for making me happy.
I put us in front of me, and this is my mistake.
I am not sure exactly how this was manifested in our relationship. I think I, and maybe not even overtly, put too much pressure on her for ensuring that I was happy. I think I spent too much time with her, although she would often want to see me more often than she did. I know I made her "number one" in my thoughts--the problem being, she remained number one at almost all times.
As I am healing up, I will try not to ever lose sight of me again. I've worked hard for a lot of things in my life, and I am an awesome catch for someone fortunate enough to be with me.
Don't make the same mistake that I did.
Hey tiodaat that's what I am starting to realise with my situation.
I look back now and think the same to myself, perhaps if I gave more to myself at that time in my life it wouldn't be this way at the moment.
But hey we all learn from experiemce and that's what life is all about.
Learning and experience :) I understand 100% on this one.
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