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I am hoping that when this calculation finishes, I will be the only person in a LARGE number of people, who has successfully engaged themselves in such .
So you want to be in the elite group? Don't you want to live to see that? I know I would! Sounds like you're making plans for the future Sean.
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I just don't know if I should live a pointless life (zwecklos), or end it, because it is of no ones use..
If you're going to be among a very small group of people that can do what you do, then I fail to see how you're zwecklos. Du bist nicht zwecklos! You are of use to yourself, and you've found friends here. If you give yourself even a little bit of a chance, and stop being so hard on yourself, you'll find someone special.