Ask Me Help Desk - She wants a break to appreciate me more

No contact really is the only way to not go back to square one. I understand about the graduation thing. I pretty much didn't even think about no contact until after my ex graduated last year - he invite dme and I was going and it was so awkward -it was nice to see him graduate but hurt that things were different between us. I also didn't have100 random strangers on the internet telling me to stop talking to him.

I only started to feel better though once I stopped getting the updates, stopped checking his Facebook and his friends facebooks. Once you don't know what they are doing every moment of the day and there is distance between you it's a lot easier.

Someone on here said this (maybe Tal?) that the good thing about hitting rock bottom is the only way to go is up. That was always comforting to me because for a while I felt like I was sitting on the bottom. Believe me you don't want to go back to square one - if you do you have to go through all of this all over again.

I know you really want them to be able to share in your joy of graduating, but it really is going to be tough on you if she comes - you don't want any unspoken feelings to blow up on that day - it could make for some bad memories for a long time. It's a day for you to celebrate your achievements. Yes, they pushed you along, but something inside you kept you going as well. Congrats on finishing!

I am going to go against the grain here, and I fully realize this is a very big day for you, but you invite them, because you know they do care and that in itself is special. If your ex shows up, so be it!

I know, I am the one saying healing first, NC, and all that other stuff, and I stand by it.

But I also believe a man has to handle his business, and do what he has to do, with the style and grace that may mark him for life.

So suck it up, face your fear, and be the class act that you are despite the adversity of the situation.

Trust me, you won't cry, embarrass yourself, or carry on like a kid, because if indeed you never see her again, her last memory will be a good one, so stick your chest out, and enjoy your accomplishment that you have EARNED through hard work, and stick to itness. And let nothing rain on your parade.

Yeah it's a tough spot to be in, it sucks, but there will be many to follow, and I do mean some real doozy's, so head up my man, because you can't always take the easy way out, and sometimes you have to suck it up and get through it.

You will be glad you did, and you can cry when you get home, if that's what you want.

But for this occasion, man up!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I am going to go against the grain here, and I fully realize this is a very big day for you, but you invite them, because you know they do care and that in itself is special. If your ex shows up, so be it!

I know, I am the one saying healing first, NC, and all that other stuff, and I stand by it.

But I also believe a man has to handle his business, and do what he has to do, with the style and grace that may mark him for life.

So suck it up, face your fear, and be the class act that you are despite the adversity of the situation.

Trust me, you wont cry, embarrass yourself, or carry on like a kid, because if indeed you never see her again, her last memory will be a good one, so stick your chest out, and enjoy your accomplishment that you have EARNED thru hard work, and stick to itness. and let nothing rain on your parade.

Yeah its a tough spot to be in, it sucks, but there will be many to follow, and I do mean some real doozy's, so head up my man, because you can't always take the easy way out, and sometimes you have to suck it up and get thru it.

You will be glad you did, and you can cry when you get home, if thats what you want.

But for this occasion, man up!

I agree - just don't go into it thinking that this will change your relationship with her, or that things will be normal between the two of you. Recognize that things will be awkward, show your appreciation that they are there, but don't spend all of your time with her - spread the love to the rest of the guests!!

I read your thread bella, its helpful that you went through this and I hella appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help me. Thank you. Sometimes random acts of kindness by strangers is more helpful than from people you know. Many times people you know just tell you what you want to hear.

Now that it has been almost a month of NC with my ex and some distance is between us, I have found that it makes it easier. When I get the updates from the little sister, it makes me feel good to know what she's doing, but at the same time it gets me hella down. I read into everything she tells me, and then I know she is telling my ex everything I tell her.

I feel like I'm at rock bottom right now. I feel like sometimes I go a little higher and higher, then something happens that makes me hit rock bottom again.

Its so weird trying to act selfish, Im always trying to share everything. I hate doing stuff alone. Maybe that plays into me taking so long, Ive been alone before and can handle life alone, but I love being around people. And sharing special things with people, because I love it when people share special things with me.

Everyone tells me that I am the only one to thank for graduating. They didn't take the tests, they didn't study, they didn't attend class etc. I know this is true, but they were the ones who saw potential in me, and made me realize the drive inside of me. They introduced me to the "good life." They took me across the country, took me to a lot of nice places, always paid or at least offered to pay for me, shared very intimate and personal info with me, and most importantly they always respected me and never judged me. They are the only people in my life to have never judged me, and the only ones to have gotten to know me first then form an opinion about me. I find this amazing. (Her family is white and well off, they live in a really good suburb with a lot of rich people. I am mexican, my family is broke, and from oakland, ca. So being in their world is like being on a new planet for me)

Advice I hear a lot is to try to find the person I was before her. But if you read my thread, I wasn't a good person before I met my ex. So I really don't know how to go about this. Anything I can do?

You don't need to be the person you were before, but you need to create a life with out your ex. Start doing things that give you the opportunity to meet new people - go to the gym - it makes you feel good about yourself, great distraction and new people. Volunteer to help others (big bro big sister programs or habitat or whatever you like)- volunteering is good because you meet other people that like things you do, and you can repay the kindness of her family by helping other people in need. You are graduating so I'm guessing you will be looking for and starting a new job - start getting involved in some team sports or social leagues.

Think of all of things that you really want to accomplish in life, and start taking small steps towards those things. Hell, I jumped out of an airplane hahaha!

There are sooooo many things to do in life - and yes her family helped you up, but now you are on your own two feet, and you can do and go wherever the wind takes you. Make aplan to try something new, even if it is small. That you've always wanted to do but never did before.

Keep busy and you will feel better before you know it. Don't feel like you have to jump into something else to make you feel better - feel comfortable again being just you, being single.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I am going to go against the grain here, and I fully realize this is a very big day for you, but you invite them, because you know they do care and that in itself is special. If your ex shows up, so be it!

I know, I am the one saying healing first, NC, and all that other stuff, and I stand by it.

But I also believe a man has to handle his business, and do what he has to do, with the style and grace that may mark him for life.

So suck it up, face your fear, and be the class act that you are despite the adversity of the situation.

Trust me, you wont cry, embarrass yourself, or carry on like a kid, because if indeed you never see her again, her last memory will be a good one, so stick your chest out, and enjoy your accomplishment that you have EARNED thru hard work, and stick to itness. and let nothing rain on your parade.

Yeah its a tough spot to be in, it sucks, but there will be many to follow, and I do mean some real doozy's, so head up my man, because you can't always take the easy way out, and sometimes you have to suck it up and get thru it.

You will be glad you did, and you can cry when you get home, if thats what you want.

But for this occasion, man up!

Thanks Tal, that's great advice. So I never answered the little sisters question about what day and time is my graduation. I was really stuck on what to do, part of it was that I didn't want to talk to anyone that would remind me of her. I had been doing good lately.

Well, I couldn't resist anymore and I called her last night. We talked for about half hour and just talked about what's going on in my life right now. I know she was going to tell my ex everything, so I told her about how excited I am and how this is one of the happiest moments in my life. She didn't even mention my ex the whole time, and I never brought her up either. It was so hard not to ask for updates, but Im so proud of myself. I feel like this is the biggest accomplishment I've achieved since the "break."

Graduation is going to be a really special day for me. The last memory line is so very true, I never though of it like that. If that day is really the last time we see each other, I want her to remember me accomplishing something great, and with a huge smile on my face.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bella99

You don't need to be the person you were before, but you need to create a life with out your ex. Start doing things that give you the opportunity to meet new people - go to the gym - it makes you feel good about yourself, great distraction and new people. volunteer to help others (big bro big sister programs or habitat or whatever u like)- volunteering is good becuase you meet other ppl that like thigns you do, and you can repay the kindness of her family by helping other people in need. You are graduating so I'm guessing you will be looking for and starting a new job - start getting involved in some team sports or social leagues.

Think of all of things that you really want to accomplish in life, and start taking small steps towards those things. Hell, I jumped out of an airplane hahaha!

There are sooooo many things to do in life - and yes her family helped you up, but now you are on your own two feet, and you can do and go whereever the wind takes you. Make aplan to try something new, even if it is small. that you've always wanted to do but never did before.

Keep busy and you will feel better before you know it. Don't feel like you have to jump into something else to make you feel better - feel comfortable again being just you, being single.

Ive been trying to keep myself busy and it does really work. Time has worked wonders on me, I feel so much better lately. I use to only go a few seconds between thinking of my ex, then it was minutes, now its turning into hours. I can't wait until the hours turn to days, and then the days turn to never. I mean, why spend so much time thinking of someone when you know the other person doesn't think of you as much?

I feel like I'm finally making strides. I can talk about her and not get upset or get all down now. While I still do think of her, its getting easier to push her out of of my head. The good days are finally out numbering the bad days. I still find that mornings and espcially nights are hard, but even now they are becoming manageble. I just hope that if she gets at me I can stay this strong and show her how happy I am without her.

Funny thing about it though, I actually am happy. For the first time since the "break," I can say I'm starting to be truly happy just doing and being me. Without her. Took me awhile, almost a damn month, but Im getting there.

I want to ask something though. I know everyone is different and each situation and relationship is unique so I don't expect the same answer. How long did it take all of you guys to get over your breakup? And how long did you wait until you got into another relationship? Im just curious to know, all of my friends aren't exactly the relationship type of friends. They're more like the chase and lay types so all I'm hearing is to find someone new right away because that'll help me the most. But don't think that is best. Thanks guys.

Quote:

How long did it take all of you guys to get over your breakup?

Anywhere from 6 months after a 3 year relationship, to 5 minutes after a first date. But I admit to being dumped a lot, and even though it sucks every time, you learn how best to cope with it.
Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Quote:

how long did you wait until you got into another relationship?

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.
Then I learned it was a lot more fun to be single, and enjoy it.
Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18- 80, blind cripple or crazy.
Until my wife said Oh hell NO!!