Ask Me Help Desk - Money...

Seems like everything is an excuse to her..

She can't work because she's bi-polar. I'm sorry, but she can still work at McDonalds :) She can still hold some type of job. Maybe not Corp. Executive, but she can still hold a job. Plus.. In this day and age, there are a lot of thing out there to help people with Bi-Polar Depression. I don't know if she is, or has looked into any type of medication, but it would definitely help.. Maybe even some support groups. Mental diseases I know are very important, but no longer are they a crutch.

She won't let you move in over a dog? I love my dog too... but I don't think I would not allow my boyfriend to live with me if I couldn't have my dog. She needs to tell her ex good bye. She needs stand up for her own relationship with you and do what's right. Allowing him to blackmail her with a dog is a bit ridiculous, and a lame excuse to not allow you to move in.

As for the kids.. I can understand that.. But who's the adult? Better yet.. Who's the parent? Her kids are going to dictate her relationship with you? I don't have kids, so maybe I'm not sure what the proper protocols are, but if she loved you.. she'd MAKE it work.

She's using you. In every way possible, she's using you. She's taking you for granted and treating you like you're an idiot. You're paying for a house you do not own. You should thank your lucky stars that YOU'RE NOT on the lease.. She won't allow you to live with her because of a dog. She expects you to trust her with her Ex who comes over as he pleases. This relaionship is turning into a complete disaster.

Maybe not break up with her.. but back off... back off completely. She needs to pay her own rent. She needs to buy her own food.. She needs to ditch the ex.. she needs to either take the dog, or leave the dog.. not letting this lag out. Seriously, how long does it take to save you for a deposit? Deposts are what... $800 at the most? I've never seen any animal deposit more than $800... And couldn't you take the dog until she can? She needs to find a job and keep it.. Even if it is McDonald's.. Because it shows she is responsible.. Even if its part time.

What type of advise would you give if someone was in this type of situation? Would you honestly tell someone else to just hold on and it'll be OK eventually? I bet not.

Who am I? That's a good question. I stood my ground, I went hiking today. I didn't want to stay up there but I am not talking to her for the night at least. I'm just thinking, lots and lots of thoughts. Getting my mind clear, finding the answers. That's what I need to do. I talked to her last night about the fact that our relationship is way too volitile to get married this year. I told her I needed time to think about things. Told her that we need to do something about it and that I would talk to her about it after I got back from my trip. I'm still clueless about what I'll say, but I learned today that I want it to work. I have to get her to do for me though, and I am going to be more in control. She is going to have to handle it.

Its tough.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lucky098

She can't work because she's bi-polar. I'm sorry, but she can still work at McDonalds :) She can still hold some type of job. Maybe not Corp. Executive, but she can still hold a job. Plus.. In this day and age, there are a lot of thing out there to help people with Bi-Polar Depression. I dont know if she is, or has looked into any type of medication, but it would definately help.. Maybe even some support groups. Mental diseases I know are very important, but no longer are they a crutch.

OK, again, she wants to work and she can work. She just isn't looking for a job. (actually she wanted me to pick up all the applications and I told her if she wanted a job she was going to have to go out and get one herself.) Its more like she just doesn't make any time to go get a job. I'll talk to her about this though.

She has no need to get a job as long as you keep financing her ;)

Keep marriage out of the question until you work out all of your issues. In fact she should have a job and be contributing financially to the household.

I would also suggest you two have some couple counseling before you get married as well.
Don't back down!

I suggest no marriage, I suggest an end to relationship.

Good luck you chose to stay with her. Of course it is your life and your future.

Best wishes.

I am choosing to try and work things out. I am all but done at this point and if there is a relationship to save I will try and do whatever I can to save it. I am a very committed person... or blinded. But I am very skeptical at this point and I am keeping a close eye on the situation.

You know, she may be a queen to you, and that's all fine and dandy. But she needs to treat you like a king, and not the court jester.

" Hey, pick me up an application on your way home from a 12 hour shift." " And don't stop to spend any money on yourself. I'll be busy shopping..."

This would chap my butt.

It really doesn't have to be this hard.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Larken85

. . . she wants to work and she can work. She just isn't looking for a job. . .

Lol come on guy, are you even reading what you're writing? If she wanted to work, she'd be looking for a job!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Larken85

. . . actually she wanted me to pick up all the applications and I told her if she wanted a job she was going to have to go out and get one herself.

She knew you would say that, that's why she asked. She has no intention to work.

You're going to do what you're going to do, I hope it works out for you, seriously. Good luck.

If she isn't treating you like a king than she shouldn't be treated like a queen... and actually this relationship sounds toxic. I think if you don't resolve this either by letting her know her laziness is unacceptable or by ending the relationship, you are going to build up a lot of resentment towards this girl over the years. You are going to end up feeling cheated out of life, and that you could have done so much more than just work/sleep to pay the bills for this girl. The resentment/anger you build up over the years will result in a terrible ending, believe me.

Quote:

J_9 agrees : She's a lazy demanding woman and she needs a real man to put her in her place.

JudyKayTee agrees : Agreed - and she needs someone her own age, someone who has the experience/knowledge to deal with her and her nonsense.

These are some very wise words, and the best insights you will get. I will only add, instead of one day of "hiking", take THREE! (Thats how long it takes for a guy to clear his head!) Get my drift?

Yes, I agree the woman needs someone closer to her age. But she can wrap this young man around her finger and she has.
I think a man her age or older would not put up with her.

She has found a kindhearted man in Larken85 and she is milking him.

Has anyone else read OP's other posts? This is not as simple as it may seem. The story goes back and forth.

This person goes back and forth between being the fiancé and the girlfriend. The relationship certainly has its ups and downs.

I am also not sure that isn't the first sexual relationship and that can be the reason OP doesn't/won't/can't leave.

I think OP's head is in the sand.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

These are some very wise words, and the best insights you will get. I will only add, instead of one day of "hiking", take THREE! (Thats how long it takes for a guy to clear his head!) Get my drift?

Actually I am sure there is a hidden joke there but I got no idea what it is... I guess I am clueless.

Like I said, I am not giving up on her, I will make her change for me. She will or she'll get lost that is.

You can not make anybody change who they are. Nice try bud but will not work. If you have to change somebody then it is already over. They need to change on their own. You can stand up and be a man. And have your voice heard. That does not mean you can force somebody to change.

Again you can not make anybody change.. The only person you can change is yourself and how you deal with this situation.

JH makes a very good point , the thing is if your with someone that you have to change , why would you be with them in the first place??

Same reason a woman wants you to quit smoking. Same reason she wants you to dress better or look more presentable. Because they can and will if they want the relationship to thrive. I have stopped smoking, I have changed my appearance, and I got to say the girl does good work. Some changes are not bad.

Never ever expect a person to change for the relationship. If they do, great! But you can't ask, or expect, them to change. They will do it on their own free will if they choose to do so. If hounded to change, you've lost the relationship.

Of course I will not hound. I will lead by example. Stand up for myself and stop certain bad habits. She will then choose to change to fit me better. I know her well and if there is one thing I know it's that she isn't about to let me go easily. She will fight and change to stay with me by her own choice.

Everyone keeps saying the same thing over and over...

If this girl really loved you, she'd respect you more. She would ask for help, not demand it. She would be actively looking for a job. Jobs are tough to come by these days, she should at least be looking.. That's all you can ask for. Her not personally getting the Apps her self is saying volumns.

She has no respect for you. She treats you like $h!t and says I love you at the same time. That's not a healthy relationship. You both blame her disease... I'm sorry, but a disease doesn't cause you to be manipulative and mean, which is what she is. There is always an excuse to every question. And trust me, she is not going to change herself to be with you. She's going to have to WANT to change for her own personal goals. And if that happens to be getting married to you, then she's going to have a tough road ahead of her.

But I'm sure you'll be like the rest of the love sick puppies and apologize for being an @$$ and go about your business like usual.

Please make the smart choice for yourself. Don't worry about her, worry about YOU. You are all you have at the end of each day. No one else... Just you.