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Originally Posted by racquel58

i like the sound of that carrotTalker. For some reason though i just dont see that its possible for me! and i know...thats probably why im not having any luck. I guess i just feel this kind of behaviour is 'normal' in relationships and every man is goiung to have something negative to say about the way i look (though different things) and therefore i may as well stick with the one i already know...stupid huh

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That type of behavior is not normal in any relationship. A man who says that is a total jerk!

My ex had several bf's like that before me, it really messed her up. I would always complement some of her clothes/outfits/body (because I seriously loved it!), but if I would make just an honest comment like "I don't like the color of that shirt or something", sometimes she would blow up at me due to her previous conditioning.

Seriously consider getting out of this relationship and overcoming the hurt from his negative comments about your body on your own. Become strong enough so you can know when a boyfriend is being a jerk, or being nice and honest with you.

No one deserves to have their body insulted, especially in a relationship.

Don't go out with him!
I think u should forget about him. You are waisting your time with him, and u can do so much better than that:)

He seems to be just using you whenever he needs something and he plays with your emotions to get what he wants. You shouldn't take that crap. I'm in a bad relationship, been in it for 13 yrs and I'm only 28. Sometimes I feel stuck with him, but my mind is all messed up because of him and what he's done to me. I'm still trying to get away from him. Get away from him now.

Well that's the thing. Therapy is concentrating on restructuring negative thoughts into positive/ neutral ones. So I try to restructure negative things he has said in the past. I feel like its something I am supposed to get over...

Taliniman- I have fought with him so many times about the stuff he has said and told him to shut up. Told him how much it hurts me. He hasn't said anything negative for a while. The problem is that I can't get over the stuff he said. So I feel big and ugly around him. I feel gross and compare myself to his perfect skinny girls all the time when around him. I don't want to sleep with him, because even though now he says all the right things, I have so many memories of him saying negative things in the past. Even though he doesn't say those things anymore I still know he thinks them.

He acts like I should get over it. And I probably should. But I don't want to open myself up again and be that vulnerable with him for fear of being negatively judged again.

He says it was because he was smoking pot back then and was comparing me to magazines (which I didn't think I was THAT far from, I was 19 and fit for gods sake! In the gym every day). Now I am older, have less time for the gym ALL the time and my body is only going to change more through pregnancy and getting older. So if he could tear 19 year old me to shreds. What is he going to say to pregnant me.

But because I have told him to shut up. And he has. I am supposed to get over things. But I cant. And I feel that makes me a bad person. Yet, if I hang out with friends, go out to pubs, go to the gym etc. I can feel beautiful and healthy and slim. With him, I feel like a rhino

Even when I lost tonnes of weight and was underweight, he said I had gained and that he prefers me thinner. Most people were worried about my health. He said I had 'let go' and gained weight and even though he preferred me thinner than that, he is happy because I am happy. Its like a hidden insult. Or maybe its just me being paranoid.
So even though he says nice things now, I still know what he has said from the past.
I am scared that no one will love me. That this is my one chance that someone will care for me and really love me, but I am missing it because I can't get over the past stuff.
Even if someone has changed seemingly dramatically, do you think it is normal for them not to be able to get over the past?
I wish I never got into contact with him again. I wish I never allowed him to show me that he had 'changed'.
I hate myself for dragging everything out. I hate myself that I can't even make one stupid easy decision.
I hate myself that I can't get over the past and start a fresh with him.
But I also hate myself that I'm not strong enough to just walk away from him. No matter how much he has changed. Because that is something I can never know.
Its one thing to trust a new person. But to trust a person who has broken your heart/ trust COUNTLESS times, is really REALLY difficult.
I know people get over far more than this though so I feel stupid that it is so hard for me.
I hate that I am wasting his time, my time and my life and youth

I don't want the drama to carry on. But I am just scared that I will get MORE drama if I leave him and end up alone or with someone worse. I guess I worry that IF he has really changed then I am missing out on a great thing. But I guess I should also have more confidence to say 'well, that's his issue. He was too late to change. His loss.'
Surely somewhere inside I realise that I deserve more and that I don't need to trust him again. I don't need to feel guilty for stringing him along. I need to trust myself and look after myself.
He seemed so innocent and caring and sensitive back then. But wasn't. Chances are its all just an act again.

Again-your therapy should be about y o u and your changing for YOU -all I hear is him,him and him.

Really,when are you going to allow yourself to matter?

Your issues go back to your childhood,that's what needs sorting out, then this sad excuse for a man won't be important anymore.

Please don't stay stuck in that mindframe anylonger.

Oh also there is no chance that he will become phsyically abusive in the future by the way, He is not like that AT ALL. And never lets me live down the times when I have lashed out.
But I have watched him lately while driving. If someone on the road annoys him, like tailgates. He will slam on the brakes (I have seen many do that) but then one guy drove up beside next to me (I was in the passenger side) and was yelling abuse at my ex and driving closer. My ex was winding him up, pulling faces etc. I told him to stop because the guy was scaring me and I didn't want him to throw something as it would hit me (we were doing 100km on a highway). My ex kept winding the guy up. Just kind of manipulating the guy to push him over the edge and then would just say he is not doing anything. Even though I told him I was scared so many times and I was the one in the firing line of the other guy.
It reminded me a bit of our relationship. My ex, pushing mine and other peoples buttons so they fly off the handle, then acting all innocent. He sometimes brags about how manipulative he was as a teenager too... which I have read is a sign someone is abusive.
Another time in the car, a guy cut him off (it was 2am in the morning). My ex decided to tail gate him and annoy the guy. The guys in the car looked pretty dodgey and pulled over, notioning me ex to pull over. He almost did but I screamed for him not to because I was scared. I think the terror in my voice made him carry on... I feel we were so lucky the guys didn't follow us...
See, I know even when people change they occasionally slip and make mistakes. But I feel there is a limit for that and it can't always be an excuse. I think he slips a little too much. But its harder to identify because its manipulative and passive aggressive, rather than outright aggressive

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Originally Posted by racquel58

even when i lost tonnes of weight and was underweight, he said i had gained and that he prefers me thinner. Most people were worried about my health. He said i had 'let go' and gained weight and even though he preferred me thinner than that, he is happy because i am happy. Its like a hidden insult. Or maybe its just me being paranoid.
so even though he says nice things now, i still know what he has said from the past.
I am scared that no one will love me. that this is my one chance that someone will care for me and really love me, but i am missing it because i can't get over the past stuff.
Even if someone has changed seemingly dramatically, do you think it is normal for them not to be able to get over the past?
I wish i never got into contact with him again. I wish i never allowed him to show me that he had 'changed'.
I hate myself for dragging everything out. I hate myself that i can't even make one stupid easy decision.
I hate myself that i can't get over the past and start a fresh with him.
But i also hate myself that im not strong enough to just walk away from him. No matter how much he has changed. because that is something i can never know.
Its one thing to trust a new person. But to trust a person who has broken your heart/ trust COUNTLESS times, is really REALLY difficult.
I know people get over far more than this though so i feel stupid that it is so hard for me.
I hate that i am wasting his time, my time and my life and youth

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Look, you need to drag this stuff out, because if you don't then you are never going to deal with it. That's the aim of therapy, to get you to look at your stuff and understand it.

The bottom line is - you still have doubts.
The bottom line is - he still represents someone that has belittled and abused you.
The bottom line is - you actually don't trust him to have changed.

Problem is - you don't feel that you deserve better (you say you do, but you don't really believe it).
Problem is - you're scared you won't find anyone else.
Problem is - you're thinking too much about him and not enough about yourself.

I believe that sometimes we need to close a door on part of our life, for another door to open. You will never attract what you want and you won't begin to feel happy and confident until you close the door on this man. He keeps opening your old wounds so that you remain stuck and unable to move forward. (Sorry about the mixed metaphors!)

I think that he needs to be out of your life before you can move forward.

It's harsh, but you must end it with him. He's not good for you regardless of how much he claims to have changed.

the therapy is working on changing me. And we have gone over the childhood so much... and done some cognitive schema work... a few being that I think in very black and white terms, that I carry blame for many things (due to childhood), that I feel I am flawed and no one will ever love me. That I can't make decisions because I am scared of the consequences (i.e. from childhood and being condemned for making decisons/ not allowed to make decisions.
I am trying to concentrate on writing down ANY compliments about ANYTHING from ANYONE and reading it to try and get it stuck in my head.
writing down the things I love about me.
writing down how I deserve to be treated and why its my responsibility to ensure and enforce that.
also, we are talking about things I have made a decsion about in the past and the consequences and how that made me feel. i.e finally deciding to do my honours degree when my parents told me I wouldn't be able to, and I believed I wouldn't be able to. Then I did. And came out with first class.
making the decision to break up with a drug dealer who put a price of $10 000 on me. I was HEARTBROKEN the worst I had ever been. But so proud that I placed a higher value on me than $10k! Even though my friends didn't agree with my decision.
Deciding to ditch my high school friends that were emotionally abusive. Something that I couldn't see! Then I removed myself and felt a million times better and could see clearly (probably same as what's going on with this guy!).
Breaking up with this guy for the first time. I can honestly say I never regretted that decision.
And you are right, I am bringing it back to him. And its stupid. Basically I think I am thinking 'i should feel so great about myself that I can find it in my heart to forgive and forget and allow him into my heart again'.
when really I should think 'i should feel so great. I am in control. This is my life. I am worthy and capable and can make my own decisions. This guy is not worth it. He has had a million chances. Its now about ME! I need to love me so I can allow only people who respect me into my life. Who cares what other people think. Who cares what his friends think of me! They don't know this side of him! They don't have to live with it! They don't have to throw their heart and trust into him again. They don't need to worry about being let down and wasting time again. They don't need to have to worry about being angry with themselves for allowing him to hurt them again. I do. And I chose ME.'

I don't want a life like this. I am sick of allowing this to happen. I shouldn't have to forgive any of that stuff! No matter how long ago it was! I shouldn't have to have gone through it. Worst of all. I don't want to ignore the warning signs and allow myself to be swept of my feet again by all the lovely talk and "sincerity", and be left alone pregnant/ with children because he found another play thing (which I had been warned about 2 years ago). OR I don't want my daugthers to grow up being treated this way and carrying on the cycle of abuse by finding bf's that replicate it.

He is nothing like my dad in some ways (i.e. he comes across as sweet, innocent, sincere and he is not physical. My dad is, and everyone can see that). But in other ways he is just like him. Can be lovely and kinbdhearted when he feels good but can be cruel, condescending, manipulative and controlling when the time calls for it (I,e. when he feels hurt).

I have to spread the rep Gemini-but I so agree-end it with him,and start moving forward.

I need to get some balls. And realise that I don't need to do any forgiving and forgetting. I need to look at the past, use my anger and frustration and look after myself emotionally. I need to see that even if he has changed, It was his decsion to take his sweet time (4 years) and it is not my responsibility to reward him for that now. He had the chance from day one. He kept abusing it. That's his problem now. Not mine. He is lucky I even allowed it this far. He can go crying to his friends, but more power to him because all its going to do is allow him to hide behind his hatred for himself and never really get to change.
Whereas I can change. I have already grown. I now have friends, I know can talk to people without feeling like an idiot and being shy, I can now tell people who judge me superficially (i.e. for what music I like, what my interests are, what I wear) to piss off and not let it affect me. I can assert myself (slightly better) with some people (going from NEVER asserting myself with anyone). I can also take constructive criticism and realise the need to grow. I can believe that love can exist between two people (dont believe its for me yet but I am going to work on that!) coming from being with him and believing love was a crock of sh!t and something that only brought hurt, hatred and insecurity.

Sorry about my rants if anyone actually reads them! I just need to keep reminding myself this, after I have had a mad moment and put things into perspective again.

Another thing that may mean he is not so innocent is, he is VERY aware of what abusive behaviour is! VERY AWARE. So when he says and does things and states he didn't mean to hurt me... its probably a loads of crap because he can see it is abusive if I or someone does it to him.

AND just because he feels hurt doesn't give him the right to be abusive and manipulative and controlling. I know people can feel hurt and say bad things SOMETIMES but it shouldn't be every time they are hurt and they should show SOME remorse. Which he doesn't. He makes excuses for it

Keep changing and growing-do NOT waste time worrying about him and his motives,actions and pathetic life.

Its about you now,only you.

Hashing and rehashing all the stuff about him keeps you stuck in it.

It's good to bring it out into the open to understand it - but you must let it go. It's crippling you and you can't move on.

See him as the catalyst for change and use the impetus to create a new life for yourself - without him.

I feel so lost.

its all over. He broke it off. Saying "you don't know when to stop. your negativity brings me down too much and i can't deal with it."

so I finally drove him away with my constant nit picking.

the final 2 were the last straw. They seem so stupid

he wanted me to go fishing because his friend that doesn't like me was 'kind enough' to invite me along. I refused at first because I am vegan. Anything animal related just kills me too much inside. I don't judge them but I justcouldnt stomach fishing myself. I finally agreed to go. Then before we went my friend made me realise that I was allowing myself to go back on my biggest passion/ value JUST to be accepted by people that would never accept me.

I am having a few issues at work and said I would find a new job if politics carried on. He asked me to be a driver with him. I said 'no' as I was in the middle of conversation and just explained that I have done 6 years of uni and also wouldn't go back to retail because I would feel it's a waste.

he accused me of judging him. When I know I didn't. I was with him for 3 years all up when he was a student. A driver. Then unemployed and chasing random dreams. I got angry and told him I wasn't judging him. He shut off and wouldn't talk. Which made me angrier because he made up his mind and I didn't even get to say my feelings.

I just have to write them out because I feel so guilty again. And lost. And helpless. And angry at myself. And stupid. And TORN.

my heart is beating a million miles an hour. I just want to talk to someone but its early hours in the morning here. I feel nervous. Sad. Lost.

I wish I could just sleep. I don't want him to message again because I know it will make me feel guilty.

I also feel so stupid. For so many reasons which contradict each other.

I hope I get over this. I hope one day I give a crap about myself. I hope one day I love myself. I hope one day I can find someone I can trust and loves me. I hope one day I will find someone that I won't drive away

I wasn't scared of this in the beginning. But now. I am scared that no one else will love me enough to not leave me. Not see negative things and pull me down. Not cheat and want to find someone better.

Guess I just have to try be positive and get my life organised again. Clean my bedroom. Clean the house. Work. Get back into the gym. Go out with friends.

Glad he is gone, as it sounded toxic to me from the beginning but now its about you healing.

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

The Stages Of Grief

Read and understand yourself, and your feelings.

He did you a great favour.

Accept that its over and detox from the so called relationship.

Now work on loving yourself.

When you do,you don't need another person to justify your existence.

And then,you will attract the kind of man who will love and respect you.