< Even if the problems were largely because you attracted a codependent, or helped create one while being in a relationship with you>

OK that's a good point to think about, thanks... 'how did I help create a codependent?'as I guess this is essentially what he became..

Well I always encouraged him to do things with his friends, go out and do activities... but he did not... hes the kind that is very happy just to stay at home and work out theorems or things like that. So I thought that was just him and then I left it at that and I stopped asking how come you don't see your friends... and maybe I became a bit more dependent on him as he was always around and I did feel sick whenever he would be take a plane or something (this is something for me to think about , but was I supposed to force him out with his friends or to do stuff?? I think this needed to come from him)

A thing he said the last time we talked was that when he is in a relationship he can only focus on the other person and not on himself and he did not realise that people should be independent also within relationships.
He insisted I am not the problem and I did everything perfect.

And thanks for your help Val I do appreciate it a lot.

Actually what I need is probably just to write out a big letter to express my thoughts , just for myself.

Who is Mrs Miyagi?? I must check her out on Google.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

< Even if the problems were largely because you attracted a codependent, or helped create one while being in a relationship with you>

ok thats a good point to think about, thanks...'how did i help create a codependent?'as i guess this is essentially what he became..

well i always encouraged him to do things with his friends, go out and do activities...but he did not....hes the kind that is very happy just to stay at home and work out theorems or things like that. So i thought that was just him and then i left it at that and i stopped asking how come you dont see ur friends....and maybe i became a bit more dependent on him as he was always around and i did feel sick whenever he would be take a plane or something (this is something for me to think about , but was i supposed to force him out with his friends or to do stuff???I think this needed to come from him)

a thing he said the last time we talked was that when he is in a relationship he can only focus on the other person and not on himself and he did not realise that people should be independent also within relationships.
he insisted i am not the problem and i did everything perfect.

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Okay, I have a concern now about how far you want me to go in helping to reveal to you some things that may have been a factor. While there are some things I could say concerning this post of yours, it is very much not my habit to yank someone's covers prematurely or help them crash their denial system without a clear message from them that THAT is what they are ready and here for. People lie to themselves all the time (and I do this too, in case you are wondering) because they are simply not ready for the truth. I can talk pretty plainly about a lot of stuff but should it ultimately hurt someone instead of help them, I would feel genuinely bad about that. So I am asking now... where are you in this Rol? How far am I to go?

Added in after reading Post #102, okay I am hearing you say in that post "enough for now" so I will leave you here until you say more, okay?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

and thanks for your help Val i do appreciate it alot.

Actually what i need is probably just to write out a big letter to express my thoughts , jsut for myself.

who is Mrs Miyagi??? i must check her out on google.

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Mrs Miyagi is a joke started between Geoff and me. It refers to Mister Miyagi who was the wise and kind eastern man who played the main role in Karate Kid. His method of teaching is very similar to mine in some ways, I would like to think? I was sincerely flattered when Geoff seemed to think so too. What we did in our exchange was very fun for both of us.

Here is that thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...alk-47487.html

<<without a clear message from them that THAT is what they are ready and here for>>

OK I'm ready.Go on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

<<without a clear message from them that THAT is what they are ready and here for>>

ok im ready.Go on.

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Dear Rol,
I take this answer here as temporary official yes but I would like to sidetrack for just a moment and point out something you did just now that makes for difficulties with people. You are giving what is called a "mixed message" and here is the mix.

This message here has a kind of "I've had enough for now" tone in it I would like you to look at and see. "Actually what i need is probably just to write out a big letter to express my thoughts , jsut for myself."

Because I care about you, I would not care to ignore that. If this gets too intense or too fast for you, it will not be profitable for you.

So first you say um, that's enough...

And then you say, okay more!

So now I ask you to state plainly which it really is and please know this -- very important! If you need to slow it down, I will slow it down always. If you need to stop, I will stop. It is only you asking questions that is making this go, okay?

Love,
Mrs. Miyagi

No I wrote that post about thanks for you help as I meant that.
Then you added the extra post and I added the next one with go ahead . Then I saw the remark you made in your other post.

So yes go ahead...

If I may stick my two cents in, and I was going to stay out of this thread and let you go ahead on your own. You seem to have made up your mind about renewing, albeit a small reconnection with your ex, as a gesture of friendship. Everything you have written here and in your other threads indicates you do have your own way of doing things and being friends with your ex has been so normal. My concern especially reading the last few pages of this thread, is he may not be as mature as you nor as independent, and contacting him when he is in a new relationship would not be a good idea under these circumstances. You may feel ready, but what if he is not? I would hate to have you go into this headstrong, and mind made up, and not consider his feelings, or circumstances. You were hurt when he left, but he was lost. You have to factor things like that into your decision to be friends with an ex. Is he ready?

Dear Rol,

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

< Even if the problems were largely because you attracted a codependent, or helped create one while being in a relationship with you>
ok thats a good point to think about, thanks...'how did i help create a codependent?' as i guess this is essentially what he became.. well i always encouraged him to do things with his friends, go out and do activities...but he did not....hes the kind that is very happy just to stay at home and work out theorems or things like that. So i thought that was just him and then i left it at that and i stopped asking how come you dont see ur friends....

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You have listed here only arguments that you did NOT help in creating a codependent. This means you did not give the question enough thought to properly answer it and instead lauched an immediate defense that supports the opposite. I would be willing to bet this habit right here -- your lack of consideration of the question and your quickness to defend yourself at any expense, your need to be seen as perfect even -- was a common occurrence in this relationship. To its detriment too.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

and maybe i became a bit more dependent on him as he was always around and i did feel sick whenever he would be take a plane or something (this is something for me to think about , but was i supposed to force him out with his friends or to do stuff???I think this needed to come from him)

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Ah, now we are getting into some reasons, and it turns out you maybe played a bit of a codependent part too, it seems... doesn't it? It's a dead give away when you have separation anxiety over a loved one taking an ordinary trip. You need to be as honest about more things like you have there -- very very good clue, that was!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

a thing he said the last time we talked was that when he is in a relationship he can only focus on the other person and not on himself and he did not realise that people should be independent also within relationships.
he insisted i am not the problem and i did everything perfect.

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I have sensed almost from the beginning of meeting you here Rol, that you need to hear you are perfect. Only you can confirm if this is valid. But I can tell you a lot more about why that is so very very bad for you and what to do about it... if you would like to explore it further. It won't hurt, I promise (in fact it will end the pain by getting at its source even). Its up to you.

Love,
Mrs Miyagi

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You may feel ready, but what if he is not? I would hate to have you go into this headstrong, and mind made up, and not consider his feelings, or circumstances. You were hurt when he left, but he was lost. You have to factor things like that into your decision to be friends with an ex. Is he ready?

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This is a good point actually rol. You make it clear that you are ready for friendship but without sounding a bit parrot like, I think tal has made very good point. He may not be ready and you cannot assume that he is. Of course you know him better than I or anyone else perceive him to be from the information you have given but what he is thinking or feeling at this time may be different to how you would think he would be (if I make sense)

Daniel-San

<<You have listed here only arguments that you did NOT help in creating a codependent. This means you did not give the question
Enough thought to properly answer it and instead lauched an immediate defense
That supports the opposite>>

Well I began with those factors and then added how I also got codependent.

<<your lack of consideration of the question and your quickness to defend yourself
At any expense, your need to be seen as perfect
Even -- was a common occurrence in this relationship>>

OK ill think about that. I'm not sure if we had this problem in our relationship, but perhaps a problem with friends sometimes yes.
But don't most people like to defend themselves?

<<Ah, now we are getting into some reasons, and it turns out you maybe played
A bit of a codependent part too, it seems... doesn't it? It's a dead give away
When you have separation anxiety over a loved one taking an ordinary trip.
You need to be as honest about more things like you have there -- very very good
Clue, that was!
>>

Yes I totally agree... I have a bad separation anxiety. I guess this is partly due to losing my father when I was 12. I agree with you totally here and maybe he also sensed this over time. OK this is something for me to work on... but how?
How can you get over a bad separation anxiety ?(its not from missing them or not able to be alone but actually thinking they could die while taking a plane or those kind of thoughts?)

<<I have sensed almost from the beginning of meeting you here Rol, that you need to hear you are perfect. Only you can confirm if this is valid. >>
No I don't think that's valid.. Im just an ordinary girl and definitely done need to hear that I'm perfect! As I'm not!!

On psot 53 I already raised this issue and wondered if living apart was in fact not a solution for me

<<Well I don't think I ever want to have that adicted feeling again, I remember how I would feel sick if he had to take a plane or something and how we would miss each other so much after a few days away.So now I am not so sure if I ever want to live with someone again... How to people really manage to keep their own lives in a relationship while living together? >>

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

on psot 53 i already raised this issue and wondered if living apart was in fact not a solution for me

<<Well i dont think i ever want to have that adicted feeling again, i remember how i would feel sick if he had to take a plane or something and how we would miss each other so much after a few days away.So now i am not so sure if i ever want to live with someone again.....How to people really manage to keep their own lives in a relationship while living together? >>

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You remind me of myself here Rol. LOL The best way to hide from yourself that you are codependent is to only get into relationships with people who are more codependent than you are! It's a brilliant strategy for maintaining the self illusion but it keeps you very stuck in the problem at the same time. So do you really want to know "How do people really manage to keep their own lives in a relationship while living together?" I can see that you aren't there, and I think you do too. I must warn you that to get where they are, you will need to do some work. The work is very doable (many many people have done it, so can you!) though so have no fear of failure in this one. Are you willing? Deal or no deal?

Yes of course I'm willing..

<<many many people have done it, so can you>>

Did you do it ? It must have worked wonders if you did as I cannot imagine for one second from your writing that you are they type to be codependent!! Or is it that people who appear to be strong are in fact the opposite?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rol

<<many many people have done it, so can you>>

Did u do it ? it must have worked wonders if you did as i cannot imagine for one second from ur writing that you are they type to be codependent!!!!!!!!!!!! or is it that people who appear to be strong are in fact the opposite?

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Oh my my Rol! Just as there are all kinds of alcoholics, there are all kinds of codependents and for a variety of reasons too. Buy the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Now let me tell you the first thing you'll do LOL is to ramble around in the book looking for signs and sgnals that say either you aren't codependent or you aren't that bad. After that, start reading it from page one, okay? :p

If you do this and end up with questions, you can author a thead here on it and we can discuss it, if you like. And if that book doesn't click with you and you get jammed, I have others that aren't quite such a big step we can try -- but I think you can handle this.

And if you need to know specifics about me, I have recovered (with a lot of help) and am still recovering from a very dysfunctional family, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), alcoholism, and codependency and worked in the recovery field for the past twleve years after I was burnt out as a commercial graphic designer. I try to make it a habit to talk out of my own experiences of the world or to site books I have read when its only that sort of information.

<<Buy the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie>>

Im going to buy it, thanks a million, I never thought of buying books on the subject. Thanks for your help.
You have done very well to face your problems , I hope I can do the same.

This books sounds interesting

Dear Rol,

Don't know how I missed 2 take part in this thread... been peeping on this site from time 2 time... I guess I am just doing fine... and rely on less support although I feel compeled and indeed interested to contribute to the various posts especially for cases like yours where one who has been doing so well.

I read your first post and some of the answers that followed... you have been doing great until now.. keep your chin up.. do not be distracted by hidden emotions.. I reckon if you really loved someone and gave him your best... I think it is for good and it is hard to forget and place this book of your life on the shelf of history... be assured that the book still exists and can be retrieved at anytime... how and when does it really matter.. the most important thing is that it exists.

So why don't you in the meantime try to write something happier and fun.. I myself in the back of my head I hope I will receive an unexpected message at christmas or new year.. But if it doesn't happen.. I still have to write the next chapters of my life and I need inspiration for that... so go out, meet new people and enjoy yourself... hope you'll get the best of this festive season

My other thread has disappeared so ill add some updates here instead on the original one.
PLEASE IGNORE THE TITLE! It is funny how you can change in 4 months...

So he called and we talked for a few minutes, just some how are yous etc and a question he had to ask(more of an excuse for contact) , at the end I said I've got to go now bye and he said maybe if you want we can meet for a coffee when I'm back. I said OK , bye

Im ready to face him and talk if he brings it up(which he should after ignoring the issue for so many months)

Anyhow I'm back in a good place, i.e uncertainty and not sure if he is even the guy for me anymore.

Will wait for him to contact about the coffee.

Meanwhile single life is great, have met lots of new friends and I've rebuilt a full life again, and I'm very happy alone.