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Originally Posted by J_9

I quietly bow out of this thread as it is reminiscent of something blue, if you all get my drift. Nothing we say is going to help, he is going to do what he wants no matter how hard we try.

I have been watching this thread and others by Pat and I see the same thing happening to those of us trying to help that happened with the "other" person. We are going to talk and advise until we are "blue" in the face and no matter how hard we try to help, he is still going to go with his own decisions.

I wish you luck Pat, you have had some terrific advice, now at least try to follow some of it.

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No, no, I'm taking all of your advice this time. I didn't listen with that rebound thing, and it blew up in my face. I'm not going to contact my ex (havn't done so in 2 months) so no worries there.

It's just hard to deal with it. Which brings me back to posting here... I've been gone for a while, but her birthday is bringing all the healing to a hault. Then there's what would have been our anniversary... just days from now.

I'm still in a lot of pain, and even though I've gained a ton of muscle in the gym, got new clothes, am in the process of looking for a new place to live in the city, been hanging out with friends... all of it has failed to stop this hurt. I miss my ex a lot, and I keep thinking that what we had/have is something different. I know, I know. We all think that. But still.

That's the point the hurt will never stop but when you are healthy you will know how to deal with it. I know about that pain, and I know exactly what you ae going through, that why I can't just walk away and label you a loser. So you have vented, and its time to get some positive action going. Instead of dwelling on her, and your feelings, get out of self and help someone else. This forum is full of people who need a good word, or good advice, or just a jump start to get off the pity pot. Pay attention to the ones here who have moved along , they are still here helping others, the way they have been helped.

PatBateman,

I agree with ordinaryguy. If you really do care about her, leave her to enjoy her birthday. Seeking her out on her birthday in order to show her how much you've changed... What if it doesn't work out? Do you really want to be responsible for her memories of that birthday being anything but nice and happy.

I agree with the other posters, too. I advise against seeking her out. But if you really must see her... If you really can't get through another day without seeing her... Then fix to see her any old day of the week. Just not on her birthday or your anniversary. Keep those days of special memories special - don't screw them up.

Yes there are ordinary times.

You haven't given yourself and time to heal.
I have told you that 10,000 times at least.

By rushing into that rebound you thought you were over your ex. You weren't and you lied to yourself.

So just because you haven't had contact with her for a couple of lousy months doesn't mean you should think you are better and won't hurt.

You are going to hurt. What do you expect? You spent 6 years with her.

Contacting her though won't help. It will make you hurt more.

Please Pat, just listen for once and don't contact her..

Call a friend. Go for a run. See your family.

You have to ride the roller coaster for a while.

I do hope you listen for once!

I agree with Skell's advice, so not much more to add to this. What I would say is that I am 3 months post breakup and although I feel better than I did a month ago, I am not in any way fully over it yet. As for jumping into new relationships after your break up, it does not surprise me they ended swiftly because firstly they were rebounds and secondly, you still had feelings for your ex when you entered a relationship (if you can call it that) with them.

I do understand how hard it must be for you, I am struggling also but the best advice I can give you is to NOT send her a birthday card. That does not mean you are a bad person or that you don't care but you need to remain out of contact to protect yourself. I bet you have come a long way since day 1 of breaking up with her.

So don't ruin the progress you have made, work on yourself, work hard, study hard, go running (that works well for me), or to the gym or perhaps take up an old hobby...

I'm sure you have heard this all before and are being successful with it but I think sometimes we forget and need reminding..

I know I do!!

P.S.I know I said I did not have much more to add but I could not stop myself...

Thanks everyone. I'm not going to call her or contact her in anyway. I just needed a little support to keep going. And yes, thanks to all of you I've made a lot of progress since the break-up!

Good to hear Pat.

Keep moving forward. Sometimes we need a little wake up call when our thinking gets a bit skewif.

Remember your other posts and the advice you got in them. Perhaps it is time to go and re-read all the responses there!

There was heaps of good advice and it might be good to be reminded about how now is a time to concentrate on you and you only.

I never really understood how the holidays could be so hard on some people until tonight. I've been doing well since my girlfriend of 6 years dumped me back in July, but man, I've been having all sorts of nasty dreams and depressed thoughts about her.

Is there something wrong with me? Why is it taking so long? I'm not even close to being over her yet, despite having a rebound relationship a few months back and going out with friends all the time. I even got the dream job I've always wanted with a phenomenal salary... all of this fails to make me happy.

Is there anything I can do to make myself feel better? These thoughts are just eating me up. For example, I keep thinking back to this Facebook message I read that she left for one of her friends that said she was going to visit some guy at his school. I keep picturing her having sex with him and it makes me want to throw up.

Damn, this sucks.

It could be the very fact that this will be the first Christmas in 6 years that you will not be spending with your ex which is causing you to think and feel this way. I am going through a similar process after my ex of 3 years left me nearly 4 months ago and this will be the first Christmas in 3 years I will not be spending with my ex.

It is hard and I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You were with her for 6 years and spent a big chapter of your life with her. There will be ups and downs and if you truly loved her, then these feelings may always be there somewhere albeit not as much and the frequency of these thoughts and feelings over time will gradually become much less frequent until one day, it will probably be just a brief passing thought or feeling.

It is certainly not healthy to be thinking of someone else having sex with your ex but I don't for one second believe that this means there is anything wrong with you. I suspect that this too is part of the process you are going through too. Try not to think so much about the time issue. Just ride this Christmas through to the new year as best you can and surround yourself with friends and/or family and try your best not to think of her too much. I know its hard (believe me, I know) but the new year may help put thing into perspective..

Happy Christmas and New Year to you!

Geoff seems to have hot the nail on the head the holidays are always tuff spending them alone without your ex for the first time in a number of years ! The feelings and things that you have going on may be because you are still not totally over the break up ! I don't think that there is anything wrong with you... I guess deep down inside you may still be grieving about things and have issue's about the break up... You need to carry on keeping yourself busy with friends etc and enjoy being you and enjoy the life that your making for yourself.

First let me say, quit reading Facebook. Get rid of all things that are her. You can't fully move forward until you let it go which means losing everything related to her.

Also December for most people is a time when they stop and reflect back on the year that was. That's why a lot of feelings pop up in this month or around the holidays. Even if you had been feeling really good December is a month of reflection. January will get better for you because you'll start to see the entire year as a possibility of things to come. I'm not saying you won't think of the ex, but those memories will be from a different era. The era that was 2006.

Right on the money again Chuff.

Sorry, had to spread the rep. December is a time of reflection of the past year, January is full of anticipation of things to come.

You just need something to do besides having weird thoughts about your ex. Get busy fella.

The holidays are often very depressing for some people. Especially those who have experienced a major loss as that is the time they feel it most acutely. What you're experiencing is normal and common. Give yourself some positive self-talk and focus on all that's good in your life right now. Make a list of all the reasons you're better off without her. Keep on building your life like you've been doing.

It's been a while since I've posted here. My girlfriend of nearly 6 years broke up with me last summer and I've struggled with it every day since. At first, it was unbearable, but time does heal you up a bit and now I'm able to go days without thinking about her but the pain is still there. Sometimes I'll dream about her and when I'm driving my mind will start to wander, etc.

Everyone has told me to go out and better myself and I have. I landed my dream job, bought a new BMW and am in top physical shape doing bodybuilding, etc. Everything in my life is great except I miss my ex so much.

I still keep in touch with her dad and he'll give me updates every now and then. The latest was that she's moved out into the boonies of Mass. and is struggling to make enough money to afford a car to get around. It's a far cry from the city girl she used to be with aspirations of med school. I don't know who she's living with, but I'm assuming it's with the guy she met 2 weeks after she dumped me.

I have an old Audi that I don't drive that I told her dad she could have for free if she needed a car. I just want the best for her and I'd like to help her in any way I can. I still love the girl, and I simply cannot deny this.

Since she broke up with me, I went out and hooked up with different girls, and I've been on dates with several others. Nobody can compare. I just don't have the motivation or drive to open myself up or even give these girls a chance. After a few dates I almost push them away purposely.

I keep thinking that life is short and if I want something I've got to get it. She initiated no contact with me and hasn't broken or budged since. It's almost a year now.

I don't know what to do. It seems like this just won't go away. It's as real as it was the day it happened.

I don't think the updates from her father are doing you any good. You don't need know those things. In a way it is a form of contact and it won't let you heal and forget her. She is always being pushed into the front of your mind when she should be gradually getting further and further back.

Im about a year on from a 7 year relationship and I will admit that I still have my moments but they are very rare, less painful and I seem to get over it a lot easier. But they are still there. As I'm sure they will always be. I lost someone that was ver very special to me. More special than anyone I've ever met. So I don't expect to just completely forget about it. But in turn I won't let it control my life.

Is today just a bad day and your venting or is it as bad as you say every day??

My gosh dude, why are you still talking to her father?? Its over leave them alone and get back to the healing. We all have the days when those feelings creep back into our minds. Deal with it.

It's funny you should post this Pat, because I was thinking the same thing about my ex. Yesterday, in fact, I was thinking that I hated him and I would never take him back even if he tried (since he broke up with me for another girl). Then cut to today, I come home from work and miss him so badly I can barely stand it and am tempted to contact him. I have been through such misery over him this past year that I worry that I am losing my mind (ok... not literally : ). But why can't I get over him? I am truly starting to wonder if I will ever be happy again.

Like you, I have been focusing on my job, my workouts, my family, my friends (though many have been going through their own tough times lately) and keeping myself busy with random things like movies, etc. Even through a girls trip to Vegas last summer, I found myself in my hotel room crying to my best girl friend over my ex, missing him so badly. I feel like I was good to him, I loved him, I treated him well, yet gave him space etc. What did I do to deserve getting my heart broken so easily by him? I know I am just venting and will probably be feeling better in a day or two, but this really has nearly done me in emotionally. No one on the outside would know how I'm feeling because I kind of laugh it off to my friends, but inside I feel that I will never meet anyone that will compare to him again.

Why do people want to fall in love so badly when it leads to this. It has for me twice. I am 31 years old, have been in love twice, treated them both well and have had both of them break my heart for other girls... the first one cheated repeatedly then the second left me for another girl. How can I ever trust a guy again? Thus I worry that I will never have what I want in life. Wow... what a rant. Lol! Sorry guys. This just really sucks.

Pat, I feel your pain. How long does it take to be happy again guys?

Hmm I am happy quite allot of the time but not when I am alone :( Laughter is the best medicine as well as your friends and keeping busy. Over time I guess it gets easier like deaths. Time heals.

I really think it comes down to the fact that you aren't giving you're a chance to get over her. You are holding on to her through her father. Those conversations need to end. It might be tough to but it will be the best thing for you.