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Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

I'm safe and my husband said he is mad and sad over everything. He send me a message that he's sorry for blowing up with me after he found out. He also said that he loves me and was going to turn over a new leaf and change to make things better. Then he says he forgives me and hopes I can do the same... He said he forgives me because I was upset and apologized to him for not telling him the whole truth about what happened at the Dr. and that I really never meant for him to go through this or go to prison...

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Well, here we have just some more munipulation.

Do you think if he continued to berate and abuse you before you get up on the stand, that he believes that you will speak on his behalf? No.

So he is sweeting you up, honey, come take care of this... tell them how much you love me, what a great man I am, how I just made a mistake... tell them how upset you were at the Doctors so you spoke out of anger...

That is all he wants you for right now. He isn't going to get it by treating you the way he normally would. He will only get what he wants out of you by sugarcoating how he feels.

You are in such a dangerous situation! Please open your eyes.

Lovesanimals:

In the May 2009 issue of Glamour there is an article on page 167 called "An Open Letter to Rihanna".

Please read it. If you need me to, I will cut it out of my issue and send it to you.

You are not alone. You are not a failure. You just can't be a butterfly until you break out of the coccoon you've wrapped yourself in.

You are stronger than you realise... look how far you have come so far!

Look at the steps you have taken to free yourself from a life of walking on egg shells, watching what you say and do, wondering how he will react... worrying about his feelings, thoughts, actions, words, and anger.

You are almost there... stay the course. His words will only confuse you as he tries to make you feel guilty for saving yourself and having the sort of life where you can feel safe from harm and worry.

Stop listening to him... do not read any messages he sends... delete them, do not listen to any phone messages or return calls.

The relationship is over... it is done... you owe him nothing. Time to pick yourself up and move forward knowing you are doing something so powerful, so strong, so incredibly life changing!

You get to be whoever you want to be... think how you want to think... do what you want to do... say what you want to say... it is truly a wonderful place to be... and it is within your reach... take it and hold onto it...

I am attaching a link to the above referenced Glamour article.

It is an eye opener.

An Open Letter to Rihanna: Sex, Love & Life: glamour.com

Although there may be more letters if you Google it.

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Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

My life is such a mess and I'm the only one that can fix it although I just don't have the strength. I know I'm pathetic and weak and I hate myself for that...and that I just don't understand. I have to let him go...but my heart hurts thinking that... I'm not happy with him and not happy without him...

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What a bunch of garbage. I have just read through 11 pages of this thread and you have certainly had some negative experiences. But you are taking steps towards freedom, and doing it with strength. There's nothing pathetic or weak going on here so it's time you start accepting that. It's time to start telling yourself the truth, what you have done so far is something weak and pathetic people don't do.

As for not being happy with him but not being happy without him what you really are is fearing loneliness. It's not him you are going to miss. But let's assume no other ever comes into your life. In a year from now won't the you that is in the future thank the you now for making this decision to better your life? Once you get over the hump you'll look back and say you are happy to be without him.

You know what I realize LoveAnimals? When you think negative you start believing it.

Stop thinking your pathic and weak. Start thinking the opposite. Start saying you are strong and can conquer anything then maybe your start believing it and feeling it within yourself. So replace negative thoughts with positive ones because you can overcome anything.

Change your phone number so you don't have to hear these ungly untrue words this guy is sending you. He is sh~t and he knows it and he trying to make you feel like sh~t. This is why guys with his character do.

No more gulity parties to yourself because you did nothing wrong, he did. Right now he is scare because we already knows where he is heading and guys in jail don't like abusers. He will get a dose of his own medicine.

Time to start loving you and taking care of you.

This is a very hard thread to read for me.

I wish I could come to where you are and help you personally.

I understand how you feel.

NO, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG BY TALKING TO THE SHERIFF OR ANYONE ELSE IN AUTHORITY. But I understand why you feel guilty about it, and scared.

My ex was through the roof furious when I had him arrested.

I moved in with family for eight weeks. He did not know where I was. I still had to go to work. I even parked where I thought he wouldn't find my car. But the bolts on my wheels of my car became mysteriously loose. So loose my tire came off. I wrecked. I can't prove he did it. But I know he did.

Then, suddenly, he's Mr. Wonderful. Master manipulator.

I once thought I was pathetic, too. I was lost in what to do next. The police helped me. The courthouse helped me. My friends and family helped me, after they got over the shock. They thought he was Mr. Wonderful. Had no idea he was a monster. He wasn't always that way. I met him in high school. Grew up close to his neighborhood.

The abuse escalates. Starts so slowly, sometimes you don't even realize it's happening. Actually, you're just in denial that it's happening and start making excuses for it.

I divorced him. It's a very long story. I have come a long way.

You can do this.
You are going down the right road now. Do not give up. It may get worse before it gets better, BUT IT WILL GET BETTER. First of all, you will be alive. Second of all, you will really LIVE.

Please take care of yourself and take the advice of those trying to help.

You are all right and I know this... when I think negative I am negative :( When I start believing in myself I feel better about myself.

I've realized that with me, I don't think it's not that I can't survive on my own because I know I can... And that it's not that I need someone (HIM) in my life to feel complete because he gives something to me... My problem is that I don't feel like I'm worth anything unless I'm helping someone else. Isn't that a major red flag for co-dependecy? It makes what the counselors say make sense. I should be able to fee that same completeness by taking care of myself!! But then I feel selfish... I've just got to work on getting over that. Until I really take a hold of treasuring myself and seeing myself as important I am never going to free myself of this life...

Okay... so I've had this reality check but now I've got to apply it to my life and I'm starting to. I just feel so guilty that we are still living together and he seems to believe that everything is going to be just fine. We just don't think about things the same way so he'll never understand what I'm going through... and I won't understand how he feels truly I guess. How can he really honestly think that me telling the sheriff and Dr what he did the same as what he did? Or me not talking to him the same thing? Thinking about these things makes me not be able to forgive him...

Which I think is a good thing because he's proven time and time again that he really is not changing... just masking... I'm kind of going with the flow of things and putting out fires as they occur right now biding my time to see what comes out for the court stuff. He goes back for the Felony Hearing in a month or two and my court date is about three weeks away... They have my statement (unsigned) and pictures but also a contridicting statement but there is a really good chance he'll be convicted. If that happens I'm going to take what's handed to me and get out... Maybe he'll change while locked up and we can take things slow when he gets out but not being married. Hopefully I will meet someone wonderful (MYSELF) and forget all about that sinario though...

I'll let you know how things play out and how I'm doing. Believe it or not, your comments and continued support have really helped me. My counselors have bailed on me because I haven't taken any major steps to get away and it's just been really nice... thanks to everyone!!

LovesAnimals...

I still don't understand why you feel the need to stay with him until the hearing? Leave now.

You can't change him but you change yourself and work on yourself for an overall change from within.

I am glad you appreciate the advice given to you but I wish you would use it instead of just listening to it. A change should have been happen and everrything else could be sorting out through counseling.

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Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

Maybe he'll change while locked up and we can take things slow when he gets out but not being married.

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I don't know what more we can say...

We can't help the people who will not help themselves.

It's hard to care about people, who show so little care for themselves.

There isn't a miracle in your future.

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Hopefully I will meet someone wonderful (MYSELF)

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You know what you must do.
Are you waiting for him to force your hand?
Putting out little fires,waiting for the mother of all fires to come?
What a rotten life you are choosing for yourself.

If it makes you feel better about yourself, or more worthy, to help someone else, then volunteer at a woman's shelter... the pound... a soup kitchen... salvation army or goodwill center... a local outreach program... teen pregnancy crisis center... a church organization... get a kitten or a puppy if you need to take care of something... but don't continue to make him your pet project.

You aren't going to "fix" him and make him better. He has to want to do that himself and do the work himself... but, first he needs to realise that he NEEDS to make a change. He doesn't need you to continue to submit to his whims... you are not truly helping him at all if you continue the way things have been. He is at a stage where he needs the shock of reality that what he has done is unacceptable and against the law. YOU can't do that... only a judge can do that. You would help him best by allowing him to experience the consequences of his actions. Only then would he maybe be able to turn his life around in the future... otherwise you doom any other woman he may form a relationship with to the same treatment you have experienced.

No more being wishy washy about it... don't let yourself slide backwards. You can offer so much to other women who are going through the same type of situation... you now, unfortunately, have first hand experience. That can allow you to be so helpful to many women that will sadly go down the same path after you. THAT should be your focus if you want to contribute and help someone. THAT will make you feel worthy by far... you would truly be saving people's lives... often quite literally! Make this awful situation something that can be productive and fruitful... turn it around to make you stronger and wiser.

That, my dear, would truly be worth something.

Glad you're still checking in!

Sorry to hear you're still living with him.

I just wanted to say some things for you to think about:

When you go to court for your obstructing justice, they will either see it as your fear of him and dismiss it or they won't and you pay a nominal fine. It's not a big deal in the whole scheme of things.

When he goes to court he will have to state his address on the record, so will you. Are you two going to lie about that because of the restraining order?

Another thing, when it gets in the record that you are willingly living with him, how do you think that will look?

You are using this hearing as an excuse to put off the inevitable. You have to end it with him.

Besides, court dates are continued and moved up all the time, sometimes at a moment's notice. Some criminal cases, where I live anyway, are not heard for nine, ten months. Just one continuance after another.

So what happens after the hearing? Do you think he'll be hauled off to jail that instant? Maybe not. His lawyer may ask that he be out on bail pending appeal. Then what? You and he both go home after you just got done testifying about what he did to you (and please don't even think about lying about that because everyone in the room will already know the truth!)?

So how's it going to be then? Better have a plan to get away from him before the hearing!!

Do you realize he and his lawyer are planning on making you look like a liar? They will confront you with your story of the choking being a sex game. It's all right to admit that was a lie . That just proves your fear. You're covering up for the abuser. Happens every day. It's almost to be expected.

When that day in court comes, think of it as your day for closure, your declaration of independence. Your day to rise up and be the strong woman you know you are. You go and you tell the absolute truth.

He is going to be oh, so sweet up until the hearing. Stay strong.

I don't know if you've ever mentioned moving back to where you're from, but is that an option? Put MILES between the two of you. You'll get another job. You have no children that depend on you---except him. Move away from him and start over!

"He send me a message that he's sorry for blowing up with me after he found out. He also said that he loves me and was going to turn over a new leaf and change to make things better. Then he says he forgives me and hopes I can do the same... He said he forgives me because I was upset and apologized to him for not telling him the whole truth about what happened at the Dr. and that I really never meant for him to go through this or go to prison..."



WOW what a shocker he blew up on you huh?? Wonder why? Oh wait your still living with him & protecting him no wonder he's still the same.


I'm sorry everyone.


But this makes me lose my cool a bit. I know damn well that your living with him probably telling him that YOU will cover for him nearly KILLING YOU. You feel guilty that he might go to prison! His family is helping him with the fee's and what not. Do you HONESTLY think his family knows THE REAL TRUTH about what happened to you? Or did he LIE like he's done to you MANY times before and tell them that it was just "horseplay" HE TRIED KILLING YOU AND SCARING YOU BY CHOKING YOU TO DEATH but stopped in time(thank God cause a lot of women don't have the pleasure of waking up). And now your living with him still?! Did I just read this right??

Your angry because you have to go to court for the "obstructing of justice" Because the police think you were lying? Yet your going to lie about him CHOKING YOU? Horse play right? Its all hear say... *sighs*

The cops have a case on him, LET them do there jobs and put this guy in prison. You say your going to leave him anyway yet you want him to not go to prison... ya thanks GREAT let him GET AWAY WITH NEARLY KILLING YOU. Let this man not get what he deserves and lets just say you guys do divorce & he meets my sister & they get into an argument and he ends up losing his temper and actually KILLS my sister. When along this idiot should have been in jail to sit there and actually have time to think about how your face looked after he broke your vains in your eyes trying to choke his beloved wife. HE NEEDS A WAKE UP CALL. But he didn't go to jail because you felt guilty for his actions. Your not at fault for this he is.

DO NOT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THIS.
How can you sleep in the same bed with this man? You say it was hard moving by yourself so you NEEDED him? Please you do not need THIS man to help you. He is the very low of low and you deserve someone who actually cares about you and not just says they do..

I really hope you do the right thing and not tease him into thinking your staying with him and everything is fine because everyone here knows its NOT FINE, your making it okay for him to abuse you mentally because you are obviously not happy with him.

Would you allow one of your close family members to stay with this man if he had done the same to them? No it makes no sense so please make yourself leave him... the longer you wait the harder it will be to come to terms with what you have to do. He will continue to manipulate you and make you feel worse.

I wish you well..

I spent 15 years with a violent man. Had two children. Left him 10 times, came back 9. I never perceived my situation was that I was a "battered wife". My vision of that was a disheveled looking, beaten down woman. Not a career person, not me!! Then one day, I spoke with a domestic violence counselor. When she began asking me questions, "Has he ever done this, this, this", and I could answer "Yes", to EACH one, it hit me like a ton of bricks... my situation was DEADLY. I was a battered wife. Maybe you are like I was. I was in denial. Total denial. And it could have killed me. We were lucky to get away with our lives.. We had warning from his family the day he was on his way with a gun. You may not be so lucky. Way too Many women aren't. A domestic violence counselor will go to court with you. They will make sure you have a place to be safe before and afterwards. My kids actually enjoyed the shelter! They will help you change your life! Every mile I got farther away from him, the weight literally was removed from my shoulders!! Make just ONE phone call, and talk to a counselor. Just one call, please. Talk to her, just for a few minutes before this court date. If you do nothing else, please do this one thing.

Loveanimals.. Sweetie ,you have a sisterhood here behind you.

We speak of what we have lived and you have got to listen.

NOW I'm not yelling ,I am giving you this link again.
Please listen and do what you know is right.My dear,your life depends on it.
National Domestic Violence Hotline

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Originally Posted by LovesAnimals

Hopefully I will meet someone wonderful (MYSELF)

LovesAnimals....

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I must say this, I met two wonderful people very soon after I left... Actually make that five!!

I met the REAL me... I had not genuinely laughed in years. The first time I did, it shocked me, the loudness of it! The bellyroll laugh. I am serious... years... I found the person who had been lost since she was 19.
I met my son again... The little boy who had been my best friend, and who went into his shell, and who had become so brooding and sad.
I met my daughter... Who I really didn't know a lot about, as she was Daddy's little princess, waited on hand and foot, and it turns out she is one of my best friends!
I met Jeff. My husband. Kind, loyal, and true. Survivor, too. Soulmate.
I met his two sons, who we raised together...

Do yourself a favor... Get out and meet some new people!!

Start by following that link that was sent and make a phone call!!

I think LoveAnimal might be one of these people that need to see for herself the cost of domestic violence. By maybe visiting a hospital and seeing the battered women or going to a cemetery to see the tombstones of women that didn't get out. Even a trip to the shelter might help. I don't know but you need to see something just thinking outside the box but I saw it on the show "interventions" and this was sad.

I am surprise none of your family or friends had an intervention with you or remove you the situation themselve. Even if they had to drag you out.

Domestic Violence is a difficult cycle to break.

He has spent years breaking you down, to ensure you wouldn't want to leave.

He had to ensure that you saw him as your safety net. Once he had that he could do whatever he wanted.

Start searching for you now. Call the hotline, remember that you deserve better and that you would never treat someone you love the way you are being treated. Find your own two feet beneath you again.

You are in the most difficult position because you allowed him to move with you. You have to get away and re-evaluate your life. You have to make these choices.

Burying your head in the sand is not going to make this situation go away.

I read all your resonses to my last post on Saturday. I got up early and was checking my other email and then checked the one linked to this page and I started crying when I read everything...

I know honestly I'm in a messed up situation. I feel like I'm drowning and losing my mind most of the time. My husband is really not being that bad right now. We are having normal bickering moments like any other couple would... but it just seems amplified to me. I was all set to talk to him on Sat morning when he got up and then we ended up having a good day...

Sunday was a different story but I'm not going to go there, what's the point??

I did take your advise and yesterday at my break time I called ADV. I set up an appointment to speak to a counselor on next Thursday the 14th. I really am going so I can sort through things in my head... I'm more sad, hurt, angry and confused than ever!

My emotions are everywhere! On top of that I'm trying to pull it together at work (and I can not concentrate at all), make it in to my seconde job (did I mention is at a strip bar which messes with my head), not having enough money for the bills, my house forclosing... too much on my plate.

My family would just wisk me away if they could. They are over 2,500 miles away from me and I don't have any intentions on moving back. I like it out here and it makes me angry that I'd have to give that up because of him!

My court date is next Friday and I'm starting to worry about that. I still don't know how to plead? I am trying to contact his lawyer so that I can ask him. The ADV counselor said to just tell the truth. I don't want to hurt his case any more though...

I know the logical choices but man... why can't I make them? Probably because I still love him somehow? That just craziness! If I read everything I've written about what's happened and how he's treated me... I would tell the person to run, run far away... but yet I can't! What is my problem? Well, hopefully the counselor will help me sort through all this.

Today's just a really bad day for me... I've crying off and on and concentrate on anything. I took my anxiety meds and now I'm mellow but also tired...

Anyway, just wanted you all to know I did take the step to call ADV. Thank you for the encouragement and pressure to do so. I don't think I would have done it, if not for all your comments I read on Saturday morning...

Thanks... LovesAnimals