The fact is most people don't really care what is best for them when somebody they love leaves them, they all believe just as I do that the best thing in the world is getting back together with their ex. I'm not saying I'm special.

I've gone through all the arguments with myself as to how I would be so much better off if I stopped thinking about her. I believe some of them, and I believe that a part of my heart may grow cold if I let it, and that would let me carry on like the cool guy that doesn't need pity. That self confidant guy who doesn't have time for a woman that doesn't love him.

Guys like that are almost always jerks, and they treat women like crap. I don't want to try to make her come back to me by acting as if I don't care about her, I understand to a degree why it has an affect on people, of coarse it works better than begging, I don't want to change in that way, I want to love just as strongly as she taught me, I'm not afraid to love, and I don't ever want to be too afraid to love. I want her to see that despite my love I can be happy without her, that will make her want to get back into my life.

Still, knowing that I can be happy without her, and being happy without her are two very different things.

I don't want to deceive, I don't want to forget, I don't want to move on, and I don't want to cling to the past, I have a bright future that would be even brighter with her in it, is it so wrong to want to share my gifts with her? No it's not wrong that I want that, and I can accept that I can't change her and I can't change the world, but I don't have to change her, I just want to show her what she is missing...

What I want is not unhealthy.
Her choices are unhealthy, yes they are her choices, but I am saddened by her fear of loving me, and her fear of taking risks.

I want her to take another chance, and she won't do that unless she sees what I have to offer.

I'm not going to write happy little notes to her with pictures in them like all her other 'pet ex boyfriends'. I'm not going to do that for her, and I hate to see her do that, she sends them pictures and vague little emails about her life, and how things are going and they start jumping up and down and getting excited that she is paying attention to them again, so I know the best thing in the world is for me to ignore her, but how can I let her know I'm ignoring her when she won't pay attention to me? If I were rich I'd send money and tell her to return my things, then I don't think I'd have to wait long for her to call. But I want that stuff to be there when I get back to Hungary anyway. I should just cut her out of my heart and start dating again. That's wrong I shouldn't start dating, I don't want to attach myself to my current surroundings I don't need a girlfriend I need to finish school and get out of this country.

I tell myself to do lots of things but I still won't change my mind. I still just want to get her attention again, and I still want to return to Europe. I want to give her another chance to see what's she's missing, and I want her back in my life. I'm so on top of things now, and the fact that I don't need her just makes me more confidant that I want her. It makes me sure that things would be even better now because I'm healthy enough to get more out of our relationship then I ever did before.

You were wrong. I don't deserve your love, I deserve better.

It's pathetic how you have lied to yourself because you are so afraid of taking risks. You enabled me to keep my addiction when I had so many opportunities to heal at my fingertips. You quit on me right when I needed you the most, when I faced the most difficult situation of my life alone. Because he was more interested in your high school than I was, and he has a movie projector, and he brought you soup while you were sick, and he cooked for you. You fed me that bull while I was here alone working my off to get back to you and to have something more to show for it than a bill for a plane ticket. You cut me down until I was almost nothing. That is the only way you could leave me, you had to pretend that I was the weak one. I made a man out of myself for you, and I'm continuing to work my way up from the absolute bottom. I didn't need somebody else to leave you, I just wanted to make myself a better person. You couldn't let me go until the very end, with your constant comparisons to your new boyfriend; does he make more
Money than me? Does he treat you better than me? Is he more fun at parties? Why didn't you just compare the size of our penises? You're probably not even with him anymore. He was just your convenient little tool for getting rid of me right? And I was just around so that you didn't have to be alone during your last year of med school? Why didn't you pick somebody else? You could have ruined my life. I'm sick of your stupid games. You treat men like they are your toys.

I started this journey so I could take care of you. How did you repay me? You hid the truth from me until you were sure you didn't need me anymore.

You were right, all you did was hurt me in the end, but I'm not suffering for you anymore. You actually believed that I needed you, how blind you are.

I earned everything I have in this world. If you can't appreciate that, then enjoy your silver spoon, and never learn what it is to be poor, and proud.

I'm tired of making excuses for you. You are not who I thought you were. And when I say I'm not waiting for you anymore I mean it this time, you've proven that you don't want to change. I loved who I thought you could be, but you obviously don't want to be that person. I'm too good to be treated the way you treat all your ex boyfriends, I'm better than a pet. I don't need your pity, and you don't have mine, I don't care if you're happy with your choices. I'm sending money to your brother this week. Send my things and don't write to me the next time you break up with somebody, call one of the guys you keep in your pocket I'm sure they'll hop on a plane and keep you company isn't that why you still talk to them?






I'm sure that nobody has ever spoken to her like that in her entire life. If I asked her about it while we were together, she would say that she would never put up with being treated like that. But I'm not so sure, I'm tempted to try this out, it's my last trump card, but I won't use it until I'm actually ready to let her go. It seems unlikely but this just might scare the hell out of her, if I am so sure of myself and so sure that she was a waste of my time she just might panic and try to come crawling back, she would never believe it, and I never would have thought of her that way, but I have a feeling that just the shock would be enough for to act out, of coarse she would send my stuff but she would be thinking about this letter for a very very long time.

I don't know if I will ever be brave enough to send it. Maybe if I sent it back in November it might have worked.
Even if I tone it down I couldn't do it. I don't have the money for posting anything yet so I guess it's kind of a moot point.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by homesick

I'm not going to write happy little notes to her with pictures in them like all her other 'pet ex boyfriends'. I'm not going to do that for her, and I hate to see her do that, she sends them pictures and vague little emails about her life, and how things are going and they start jumping up and down and getting excited that she is paying attention to them again, so I know the best thing in the world is for me to ignore her, but how can I let her know I'm ignoring her when she won't pay attention to me?

---

Is she really "all that"?? I mean seriously, sending emails to her ex-boyfriends keeping them up to date on her life? Darlin, she sounds like a self-righteous, self-absorbed, Paris Hiton-wanna-be, Barbie doll.

I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, but you need someone with the same depth that you have learned/become/grown to have.

As you already know, I look at life through rosy glasses... everything is beautiful. There will always be a morning, no matter how dark the night. "The most tempestuous wind cannot disturb the quiet of the stars." There is a silver lining in every cloud. And, I honestly, truly, completely believe that.

BUT, I also loathe it when people that are good people are walked upon by those that they love. That's not right. I hate it when one person holds the cards and deals someone that loves them a bad hand just because they can.

I'm not giving any opinion here, I'm just trying to vent from a non-part of your situation. I'm not saying that you shouldn't give her another chance, or that you should cut her off. I'm just venting. And, being a part of this over-100-post thread, I think that I've earned the right! :)

Anyway, this little post isn't going to help anything, nor was it really meant to... like I said, I'm just venting.

Bottom line: You don't deserve a Paris-Hilton-wanna-be. You deserve a real honest-to-goodness woman... one that loves you completely, utterly, truly. One that returns your love with no-holds-barred, no reserves, no regrets, no retreats.

Believe me, I know what you are saying and I see that horrible weakness in her.

I don't fault her for it though, I know I'm just making an excuse for her but she does this thing with her ex boyfriends because she still cares about them, she never had an ugly break up, she left all these guys, and she has a mother complex, she wants to make sure that they are all still OK, and the little part of her that has no self esteem wants to know that they still love her whether they have moved on and gotten new girlfriends. She is an all-loving person, It's not just about her ego, while I admit part of it must be, she is a compassionate person, and she is not a cheater, her mind wanders a lot but I believe that she was faithful to me until she broke up with me. She wasn't honest though, and that is the part I am most disappointed with. I guess that makes her high maintenance. I didn't use to be the kind of guy that could take care of a high maintenance woman, but now I want to be a party animal, with a professional side. And It feels good knowing that I can do that now, and I believe that I would keep her more than occupied.

I pity her because she can't leave somebody until she replaces them, and she is very good at fooling herself when it comes to love. She is aware of her weakness but she won't do anything about it. I wanted to help her.

George_1950 said something to me about men's egos and relationships. I guess I'm guilty of believing that our relationship should work just because I love her enough. I know that that logic is flawed, but I have more than my love to back me up. I have a bright future and limitless options, and I know so much about how her heart works, I'm constantly changing but my feelings about her stay the same, maybe it's because I am too stubborn to let go, or maybe it's because I really do see the beautiful person inside of her and I still believe I can coax her out. My life is still almost at the very beginning, I have a lot of time now, and I'm not the kind of guy that gives up easily. I don't know yet how to enjoy this time, I'm trying lots of things, but there are more opportunities for us waiting in the future, I have a lot of choices to make, and I want to make them carefully from now on. I've been careful in the past, but this heartbreak took me by surprise and I didn't know how to handle it. I should have seen it coming but love makes us blind I guess.

As for what you said about her depth, or her maturity, I understand why you say that and it's true to a point but she and I are kindred spirits, I never met anybody who felt as in tuned with my way of thinking when it came to harmony and love and how we look at people and the world around us, the difference was, I am a depressive person and she is an optimist and a live wire. She made me realize that I can have that spark as well, I just need to find my balance. There is no one else that I've ever met who could understand my thoughts as well as she could, even with the slight language barrier. We are both extremely empathetic people and very sensitive. I still believe that timing is what crushed our relationship.

Honey, nice girls don't play with guys hearts the way that she is playing with the hearts of all those "nice ex-boyfriends that she has a mother complex" for. That's not an all-loving person. That's a person that can't handle it when anyone thinks bad of her. Believe me. I was that person in high school. I played with the hearts of all the guys that fell at my feet. The ones that I "let down gently" I still contacted and had to know that they were still in love with me. I demanded worship, if you will.

Then I grew up. I put off that childish, high-school mentality of the popular cheerleader dating the "hottest guy in school" and grew up.

I realized that a man's heart is not to be played with or toyed with, it's to be cherished. To be truly treasured, because its priceless.

I went to college, fell in love (Princess Bride type of love - the whole "as you wish" was an understatement) with a wonderful, amazing man. We shared everything. He was my love, and I was completely his. We were engaged. He asked my Dad, we had everything planned. He was making my ring, we were on track. Then, something "happened" (not getting into it - too painful) and the result? He disappeared. Literally. Left without saying goodbye and never looked back. He broke me. Much like the brokenness that you are feeling now. I was literally crushed.

But, I got up. I went on. I dusted off my hands, stood up, and my perpetual Barbie-girl optimism returned. I had to. For my own sanity. And I became the person that I am today.

She needs to grow up.

(I don't really know why I shared all of that... I haven't really dwelt on that part of my growing-up experience/college life for a while. Heartbreak is a uniting experience. Spoken in any language, it is the most devastating thing that can happen to a person. The loss of a loving relationship, a physical loss of a special person, an experience... You have so much life left to live. Live it. Don't look back. Experiences make us who we are, they don't define us.)

Thank you for sharing that piece of your past with me, I feel for you I feel fortunate at least that she has not completely disappeared from my life, I believe you are correct when you say she needs to grow up, and you are not the only person who has made that statement to me. I never felt like our story was like that of a romance novel, I'm practical person and I seek practical solutions.

Practical, not economical.

I don't have any reservations about putting my hand into the matter, if she played dirty to leave me she didn't just cheat me she cheated herself. I am not following the rules anymore, I haven't been following the 'rules' ever since I came on this site, If there was a manual for relationships it would be this site, and she would have scolded me for reading it, but I don't care anymore, she may believe that prince charming will come along and she will never get bored with him, but he fact of the matter is we live in the real world and we are real people, she taught me something that I need to remind her; Love is not finding the perfect person, Love is making a beautiful life together and working together to improve whatever you can. If I have to ask for help, or read a manual, or fight dirty to get through to her, I will.

I won't sit idly while she wastes her time looking for a man she will never get tired of, I am making my life better, someday I'll get another chance to see if she's done the same. I will try my hardest to make the best of my situation, and live as if she's gone, but she will remain, deep inside of me waiting for another chance. I am constant, I have doubts like anybody else, but I still believe that that day is waiting for me.




If she can't stand people thinking ill of her than perhaps I have a new weapon. I don't know for sure, but it seems likely that that's the case. If she can deal with me being wounded and running away from her maybe she won't feel the same way about me charging in and screaming a war cry at her, since I'm sure that's something she's never experienced. If I have the courage to cut her completely from my life she must see that she's really the one that has lost. I don't want to make a rash decision, so I am asking for council, but I have a feeling that I might be able to show her a strength that she hasn't ever seen before, I won't back down into the night I will beat her at her own game. I'll demand that she pay tribute for her offenses, and make sure she knows that she is banished from my realm. Maybe, just maybe that will change her spot on the pedestal into a prison tower.

If it ever works, I'll have many secrets to keep from her. I don't like secrets but there are a lot of things I don't like that I'm learning to deal with...

Trust and honesty, I still value them, but I'm not a man of principals anymore, I believe in the ever changing nature of the universe, and constant people like me have to learn some time that change is the only constant and if you want to hold on to something's your going to have to let go of something else at some point.

In any case I'm not waiting for miss wonderful to come along and take care of me just because I'm so special. Anything worth having is worth working for.

Have you ever thought about visiting a nursing home? Or, a retirement community? This is just a thought I've been mulling over for a bit... humor me for a minute...

If, for nothing else then to see the marks that love has left on the people inside. Those people have lived life. You may find a man still in love with his bride of 60 years and her, lying in the bed next to him, just as completely head over heels for her groom than when she was 19 and a blushing bride. You'll find women who have loved, lost, and still survive because of the memories that live on in their hearts and in the pictures covering their walls. You'll find nurses that sit with older residents and read the love letters from days-gone-by... letters worn from age and dried tears.

You'd get a chance to put yourself as a "fly on the wall" to some of the greatest love stories - better than any Hollywood movie or love song. You'd actually see what true, real, lasting love is... the selfless qualities of such a love and of its ever-present-ness.

I find that when I'm at my lowest points, the best thing that I can do is not focus on myself, but remove myself from my situations and try to understand what makes other people tick.

The summer my ex-fiancee disappeared, we were both counsellors at a summer camp. I had a cabin full of teen girls. (the whole camp thing was part of the long story of "why") But, all that to say, when I focused on the problems of the teenagers in my cabin, I was able to put myself on the back burner for a while and try and help someone else.

When my Dad (my precious, "wind beneath my wings," hero of a Dad) died from cancer, I threw myself into my work - I went back to China for a year and immersed myself in teaching English and western culture.

I'm nothing special, don't mistake this for "tooting my own horn," but you're in a familiar place... I've been there... I know what helped me...

I think that may be why this site is so amazing... because you literally have thousands of people ALL hurting, trying to find solace in the words of someone else, the answers of a "virtual" stranger, the comforting words of others, the problems of someone on the other side of the screen... in order to remove themselves from their own struggles and pour what they have learned into someone else. I have always believed that what we go through is never for our own good, but for the benefit of someone else down the line.

At least, that's why I came here...

homesick: have you seen this?
Ok, this is day number 8 of no contact. Removed everything in my life that reminded me of her. All the pictures, all the stuff on the web, even the stuff we had saved in the basement from the wedding. It's all gone now.

I still think of her, but not so much now. I'm actually starting to enjoy my freedom, and getting out a bit more. For all of you that said that time helps... you're right... It does. No contact works as well.

When I first decided to try out the no contact thing it was because I was hoping she'd miss me and call. Now I'm realizing more and more that it's for me. It's so I can feel better and manage my pain level through this difficult time. She hasn't called or texted me, and I don't really feel all too bad about it. That phone call or text message would just set me back... I want to move forward. If she were to call, it would go to voicemail, and that's that. I've been through way too much to let her get ahold of me again. It's to the point that I don't think I'd be able to take her back. She's done some really cold and mean things, and I don't think she has it in her to be the woman that I need in my life.

So, I'm going to get out there and look for an "upgrade" at some point. Someone who fits better. My wife and myself were always friends. The 7 years we lived together we were BEST FRIENDS. I don't really miss the sexual or intimate relationship as much as I miss having my best friend around. Right now, we can't be friends - but I'm open to it further down the road, after we've both moved on. I hope we can have a healthy friendship at some point as opposed to a bad marriage. I've just plain come to realize that it wasn't working, and she wasn't going to put in the effort that I was willing to put in. I'm sure she felt the same way about it at times as well.

So, I'm feeling allright. I'm not the happiest man alive, but I feel so much more empowered by taking the situation into my own hands and moving on for myself.

I'll keep you all updated. Thanks for the help.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-165559-7.html

Wow,
I'm honored but at the same time I am sad that I am so unequipped at the moment to take your advice, I know that you both speak the truth, and I genuinely see the rational behind it, and I may try at some point to carry out these ideas that you have shared but, right now, I am too stubborn to change, I am strong enough to carry this cross and do all the things I need to do in my life.

Perhaps when I am seeing a doctor regularly and I have been on antidepressants for a while I will be able to let go, but I don't know if I can in my current state.

As for now I'm truly concerned first with my academic situation. It came to light that the army will not give me a degree because I am no longer on active duty nor am I a reservist. So I have to find out if my school will accept credit from the Defense Language Institute. I haven't given up hope yet, I still may be able to get my degree this year. And If that plan fails my back up plan is to get the Toefl English teaching certification from a 60 hour Oxford coarse that is available at the university here.

I taught English privately in Hungary for a stint while I lived there with my ex/future girlfriend.
Regardless of whether I can get her back or not I plan on going back and teaching in a school there, if things don't work out I'd be thrilled to teach English in Malaysia or Thailand or Japan.

I have a lot of hopes and even though I am rushing things I am optimistic that I can manage to make a big change this year. Even if that change is only inside of me.

After only 8 days is incredible, I don't want to be critical, but could he be in denial?

I felt a few ups after I started NC, but I generally feel unease, fear, jealousy, confusion, loneliness and anger. Could it be that I am just not as confident in myself? I don't want to imply that I love her more but maybe I just relied on her more.

Toefl! Definitely do that! You've taught in Hungary, so you know the value. I wish I had gotten my Toefl before I went to China, but it all worked out. I actually taught an Oxford Business English course at GE while I was in China - what a great experience. Annnd... I'm still using it! I've been hired by this tutoring company and have to students from Japan! Nissan brings them to the states for a couple years and they hire tutors to help them with their conversational/business English. Its great - and gives me a little of that teaching medicine I so miss.

No, I don't think he's in denial. George is a very wise person - he actually gave me the best post of advice on my very first question. I think he understands a whole lot more about the whole NC thing that we do. It took me a long time to get to the point that he is... Its quite amazing, actually.

No one is the same in these types of things. We all share the same heartache, but the symptoms are all different. It just takes some people longer to grasp the fact that they're going to be OK. There's nothing wrong with that.

George - you go, man! And I did mean that - my very first question on here... you gave me something I can hold on to - and I've implemented it into my life/relationship. So, thanks for that. :)

homesick,After only 8 days is incredible, I don't want to be critical, but could he be in denial?
I think its you who is in stubborn denial.
I felt a few ups after I started NC, but I generally feel unease, fear, jealousy, confusion, loneliness and anger. Could it be that I am just not as confident in myself?
That could be a distinct possibility, and you need to learn how to cope with those feelings
I don't want to imply that I love her more but maybe I just relied on her more.
They were married, so now you are running out of excuses. As prolific a writer as you are, you still stick to excuses not to heal, even if your depressed, you can do something about that. So I take your rantings as well written vents, and figure you'll get it one day. Forgive the harshness of this post, but what you need is a good smack upside yo' head, to get UNSTUCK. Life will do that though, no matter how stubborn, or depressed you may think you are.

I hope it didn't sound like I was being critical of aboleth, I was only surprised that it's possible to start recovering so quickly from as deep a hurt as he went through, if I was being critical of anybody it would have to be myself.


I am not in denial about the nature of her actions, I'm extremely hurt and often angry about the way she dealt with me after I left. I can tell myself that she doesn't love me and I don't outright deny it before I finish the thought. But If I can believe that I can live without her, I can also believe that she can change, and find the feelings for me that she lost.

I know that it is inevitable that I will carry on with my life with our without her and it's my choice to be happy or not, but denial is keeping me from making rash decisions and I still need that hope for a while longer, even if it's false hope, for the time being I need to believe that I still love her, and that I have a chance of proving myself to her. I need something to hold onto until I really believe that my life can bring me happiness from another source, and you all have helped me start my search. I also believe that therapy, and possibly medication will help me find my balance. And the final chapter of my search for satisfaction has to lie out in the world that I love so much. I may not return to Hungary, I might go somewhere else, a new country means a new life for me and a new possibilities all I know is that I've searched in America and I haven't found much.

I guess my point is this; I have a new found confidence in myself, and I know who I am, but I'm not used to the possibility of being happy without my partner, and I didn't really know how to make myself happy before. My problems with depression stretch back a long ways before I ever met her, and I need to stop using her as an excuse to be miserable, I've been thinking of her as a quick solution to make my life better, and I won't rule out the possibility that she actually does, but I must accept, that now is the time for fixing this problem alone, and when I do that I need to decide if she is really worth it since she didn't bear with me through it until the end.

Why is my life a never ending catch 22?

Can I choose whether I love her?

Did I really give myself permission to be happy without her? I have changed the way my mind works, I don't paint everything black anymore.

I'm am facing my material, mental, and spiritual problems.
My patience is tested again and again and again, and I continue to endure.

I can't move on while I still have doubts, anybody can argue either way from the story I've told, you can say that it could work in the future because she was wounded and weak because I let her down or you can say that it's not worth even the slightest thought on my part because she is a heartlesswitch.

There is some ground in the middle that we haven't covered.

I can't let her go while I have doubts, I can't be free while I still cling to hope. I know that I have the keys to my own prison, but I keep throwing them away whenever I remember that she has not seen everything yet.

Why is my life a never ending catch 22?

Can I choose whether I love her?

Did I really give myself permission to be happy without her? I have changed the way my mind works, I don't paint everything black anymore.

I'm am facing my material, mental, and spiritual problems.
My patience is tested again and again and again, and I continue to endure.

I can't move on while I still have doubts, anybody can argue either way from the story I've told, you can say that it could work in the future because she was wounded and weak because I let her down or you can say that it's not worth even the slightest thought on my part because she is a heartless witch.

There is some ground in the middle that we haven't covered.

I can't let her go while I have doubts, I can't be free while I still cling to hope. I know that I have the keys to my own prison, but I keep throwing them away whenever I remember that she has not seen everything yet. I am am stuck on this choice of calling her everyday, because I am afraid of ending my own hope.

Quote:

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I can't let her go while I have doubts, I can't be free while I still cling to hope. I know that I have the keys to my own prison, but I keep throwing them away whenever I remember that she has not seen everything yet.

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She saw enough to end the relationship, and that is the bottom line. The rest is you chasing your own tail, round and round. Reread all your posts, the same recycled crap over and over. That slap upside your head, is what's needed.

I know that I keep saying the same things. I've read through it many times. I know that I need to move on.

But there is always a 'but'.

I won't move on until I have the courage to confront her and make her give me another chance or finish breaking my heart, if she loves me she will give me an opportunity, if she doesn't she will squash me like a bug.

I won't die if she rejects me wholly even after I make all my changes. I hope I won't hurt as much as I do now when that happens.

Funny thing is I'm making this so much more painful that I have to, I could have confronted her 2 months ago, instead I'm still waiting for her to change her mind.

Her aunt told me that she sees that I've changed and a tiny bit of hope still is inside of her but she's lost her faith or trust in me.

Neither of us is ready.
She is not ready to take another chance on me, and I have only just begun my important work. I know that clinging to her is only slowing me down, but I'm afraid of being strong enough to let her go. I'm silly.

And above all I don't know what she really feels, I only know that I still love her, and I won't give up until I'm satisfied that she sees me for what I am. I know that makes me selfish that I will back her into a corner until she leaves no doubt that she doesn't love me anymore.

Just like good ol' Smokey the Bear...

Only you can prevent forest fires.

Only you can take back those keys to your life and go on...

You'll only be in a prison for as long as you keep yourself chained up. You are in control of your own destiny.

I left the keys in her purse along with my testicles

LOL! Oh, I'm sorry... that was just so totally unexpected.

Well, Darlin, Cut a new key and grow a new set, cause you're on your way to greatness.

(Wow... My Mom would totally kill me if she saw this posting... wow... 28 and I still hear my Mother's voice in my head... That's a good thing... I guess... ;) )