Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend of 4 years wanted a "break." It's been 5 weeks, what do I do?

No offense but why is Lopezma thread stealing? Post your situation in new thread.

Okay, I have just read what happened yesterday, and first let me say enigmatic is on fire with this advice. Second, you are sort of coming around, but you are still not getting "it." You are following her lead, instead you should be taking the lead. She gives you this decision to pick one day or the other, and you had already picked it. Again, your playing defense in her game and you are still taking her out no matter what she says. When she sent you that message that said "I want to go out tomorrow when my room mate is not here" (and let's cut the BS that's what the message said) you should have told her "I'm actually busy tomorrow and something just came up for tonight, so why don't you contact me next week and set up a time that would be good for YOU to take me out."

Again, I'm going to keep repeating this, she's toying with you, she's playing a game... and her game sucks. Her game is so obvious to everybody but you. But if she wants to play the game, and you want to keep talking to her then I highly recommend you beat at her game, and truthfully it won't be that hard. You just have to start recognizing that when she starts pulling this BS you back off and call her on it. I don't mean directly say "You are playing a game" but instead show her that you have other things to do and won't be available anything she sees fit. In the example above I suggest that if she gave you two options after you already committed to one, then you back off from both them. Screw her. If she can't back up her word (assuming there was not some real emergency) on what night you can take her out then her word isn't worth anything, and quite honestly it's not anyway as she has already proven.

So make her call you and set up another time that would be good for her to take you out. If she starts to get upset, throw it back at her. Very calmly tell her that you ddn't think somebody who loved you (her words hold her to them) would have a problem calling you later in the week and setting up a time when she could take you out. If she whines some more (and she will or shut up completely because you are turning this around on her) very nicely tell her that you are surprised by her acting like this as you held her to a much higher standard and trusted her word. What is she going to say to that? No, her standards are low and her word doesn't mean anything (which it doesn't). Of course not, now you are playing her game AND beating her at it. Now you are taking the control back. The one good thing you have going for you is, that be taking her BS for so long she isn't expecting you to stand her down. So start doing it. Don't get angry with her (and she might with you to keep you in line) but just start pulling back and demanding more from her.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

??

freakinconfused, how is it going?

I am pretty much going through the same situation with my girlfriend. Seems like actually the same... keep us posted :)

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Originally Posted by LeafCan

freakinconfused, how is it going?

I am pretty much going thru the same situation with my gf. Seems like actually the same....keep us posted :)

Hey guys - things have been really up and down with this whole situation, and I haven't been on here in a while. I planned on updating everyone with the full story sometime soon, but instead of boring you guys even more with all the nitty gritty details, I've decided on a short version. Well at least it's short to me. Here goes:

I tried to go out to eat with her last Sat. night, but she tried to push it to Sunday (I knew that SHE knew that I wanted to talk to her about where we stand, which is why she kept trying to avoid it. I even got her to admit that). I got fed up with her. She called, and told her that all I was trying to do was take her out to dinner, but it kept getting pushed back for whatever pointless reason, so just F it, it was totally pointless and a waste of my time. I didn't really yell any of this, I said it relatively straightforward as if I meant business. She got upset and told me that she would be home in 20 min (she was out with her roommate) and then we could go. I told her F that, I just don't even want to go anymore because it wasn't going to be fun at all. She told me to at least come over to talk to her. I said if she really wanted to talk, I would come over. I get there and we talked, and the gist of it was that I'm not here to attack her or issue an ultimatum, but that if she needed to break up with me because it was something she needed to do for herself, then I have to not talk to her anymore because it's something I needed to do for myself to help me move on. I said that it hurts too much for me to wonder if she's going to call me, or want to come back, etc. I told her we need to call this break what it is, a break up. She came back with "well, what did you think this was?" That made me angry, of course, but I know she said it in this way to push my buttons. I told her that's bull$#!t because she was saying crap at the beginning like I didn't have to move my furniture out, and that it would be back soon, etc. I told her all she was doing was dangling the possibility of getting back together in front of my face. I asked her if she wanted to explain herself better, and she told me that, with the exception of her freshman year, she had been with me in college. She said that we had gone out and partied and stuff, but she never really did the "college thing" because we stayed in a lot, which was fun and an easy thing to do, but she felt like she was missing out because she was still young. I thought that was kind of bull because we definitely went out and did stuff. Also, when she said that I started thinking 'well what the hell is the college thing? Go out and be a drunk slut and hook up with other guys every night - basically act like your roommate?' She also said that she would rather be apart from me now and do this now rather than us move off somewhere or be married and then she wanted to do it. I agreed with that, but I also said that she could have just told me all of this instead of just dumping me. I said I would have done whatever she wanted, you know, move out, talk less, or whatever, as long as I knew she was mine and that we were together. So I got fed up with her crap, and I told her I was sick of playing games, and that I really just didn't want to hear from her anymore unless she was contacting me because she wanted to work on getting back together. She said she really thought she did, but didn't want to set a date or make promises or anything because that would be stringing me along. I also told her I'm tired of text messages, and that if she wants to call me she can dial 7 numbers. She told me she loved me and missed me, and I basically just told her she needs to show it then. She said that she did by inviting me to her birthday - I told her that she also invited all of her friends to her birthday as well, so that was a lame way of showing it. She begged me to at least go to dinner before there was NC and I told her fine because I really wanted to go out with her and have a good time, which is what I was trying to do the past week, but we'll go when I feel like going.

Stuff happened between then and last night, but it was mainly her calling me and texting me. I didn't respond to any texts because I wanted to be a man of my word. I would let her call about 3 times before I even bothered to pick up, and then left the convos short.

So I decide that we go out to eat last night (Tues night). I made it clear though, that I want this to be a date, and she agreed. We actually had a really good time, you know, laughing, talking and all that. It was almost like we were just starting over and going out for the first time. I teased her some, and let her just talk about herself and what she's been up to. I broke down and gave her the card and gift card that I've had since her birthday. I told her next time that, if she wants to continue to work on us, she needs to take me out. She said that would be great, or maybe she could make us a nice dinner or something. We finally got back to her place and hung out for a bit. I told her I had to leave in a bit, but then she asked me to stay over. I freaked and wanted to leave, but at the same time I wanted to stay. I called my best friend, and he said just roll with it. He said if she was wanting me to sleep on the couch, then leave, but if she was wanting me to sleep with her, then stay. I told her that I didn't want to stay if it was just because she was going to be lonely tonight, but I wanted to stay for the right reasons, which was because she wanted to work on "us." She swore to God that is why she wanted me to stay (she's will NOT swear to God unless it's true - I've tested this throughout the years. Maybe it's changed now, but that's really just one of those things that I don't think she will change). I said OK. So, of course, she was all snuggling up on me and laying her head on my shoulder - this was all stuff she was doing, I didn't try any of this first. When we made to the bed she initiated a make out session which turned into getting it on. We slept in the same bed, and it was good. I loved waking up next to her like I used to.

Ok so here comes the bad part - while I was taking a shower this morning and she was doing her hair, and I decided to ask her - and I felt like I needed to know - if she had done anything with anybody else. She asked what that meant. I said that means "have you had sex, made out, etc. with anyone else since we've been apart." She nervously told me she hadn't had sex with anyone else, but that she had made out with someone else. I got extremely hurt inside because I hadn't done anything with anyone else, and I had absolutely no desire to, but I didn't show that I was upset. I asked her if she would tell me who it was, but she said that would just be too weird - it's probably either someone from her work or a regular that comes to the bar she works at. She was honest with me at least, which was good, and I told her I'm glad she was honest with me. She could have just lied, and she even told me that she was going to just lie, but wanted to be truthful with me. I told her if she had lied and we got back together and I found out about it later, I would have never spoken with her again because she's already damaged my trust in her. I told her this though and she agreed and said that's why she didn't lie to me. She asked me if I had done anything - I told her no, and that I hadn't really wanted to. I asked her if she was drunk when it happened - she said no. I honestly would have been less upset if she said yes. She told me that I could believe her or not, but when she was making out with this guy, all she thought about was me. I asked her why she even did it then, and she said "because I just wanted to know, you know?" Then she said something like "well you could too if you wanted." Man guys, this really just crushed me when she said these things, because I really thought she was wanting to work on us - which maybe she is now, but knowing this has made things so much more difficult, and so I almost feel like it's just too late now. Then she went on to say that I was just going to be all mad at her now, but that I had asked and got an answer. I told her I'm not mad, just upset, which is true, in some ways. I mean, I can't be furious because it's not like she cheated on me because we aren't going out, but it really upsets me because I just know that she does not feel the same way about me as I do about her. If she did, she wouldn't have done that. She just wouldn't have. But me telling her I wasn't mad was really just a lie on my part. I actually am really pissed. So I tried to keep a smile on my face and told her I had a good time last night, and started to leave for work. She told me she loved me again, but I didn't say anything back, and then she was all hugging me and about to cry and stuff, and she told me she would be calling me tonight. She tried to kiss me a couple of times and I sort of returned them, but all I could think about was "eww, this mouth is tainted now." I jumped in my car and peeled out of her parking lot. I'm not sure that I'll answer though when she calls tonight. I mean, for me that just really sealed the deal. I just don't know if I could ever consider being with her again now. I mean, yeah she made out with someone - it's not like she got laid, and it's not like it's multiple people that she's been with (at least I think, but who Fing knows now), but I mean if she really did love me still like she claims, then I just don't know why she would do that. Why am I wasting my time with this chick still. Why?

You knew all of this a while ago, but didn't want to deal with it. You should not have stayed and had sex with her, but what's done is done. I think you need to justlet her go completely.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You knew all of this a while ago, but didn't want to deal with it. You should not have stayed and had sex with her, but what's done is done. I think you need to justlet her go completely.

Yeah, you are absolutely right. I mean, if she had any integrity, or even cared about me like she really says, then she would have at least waited until things were sorted out with me before going out and making out with someone else. I stayed over because I really wanted to believe that it was for the right reasons, and that we might be working on "us" this way, but now that I know what I know, I realize she is just completely full of $#!t. I didn't want to believe it before, but now I don't have any choice. I'm done with this b!tc#.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You should not have stayed and had sex with her, but what's done is done.

Actually, I think I partly disagree with this. I shouldn't have stayed, but had I not stayed, I wouldn't have found out what I did this morning. Finding this out has pretty much just made me not want to talk to her or deal with her anymore. I mean, I always sort of suspected something, but I really had no proof, and I didn't want to act out on random feelings. But now that I've got the words from her mouth, I don't have to speculate any more, and it gives me a solid reason to not deal with her any longer.

What to not deal with?

I don't get you. She needed "space" and asked you to move and break up.

She finally wants to get back together with you. She loves you. You love her. She dealt with some issues. It would have been good if you would have gone out and done the same.

Its just a kiss guy... you weren't together... get over it.

I feel that you just wanted what you couldn't have and now that you have it again... are looking for an excuse not to be with it.

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Originally Posted by jorgy22

What to not deal with?

I don't get you. She needed "space" and asked you to move and break up.

She finally wants to get back together with you. She loves you. You love her. She dealt with some issues. It would have been good if you would have gone out and done the same.

Its just a kiss guy... you weren't together.... get over it.

I feel that you just wanted what you couldn't have and now that you have it again... are looking for an excuse not to be with it.

She does not finally want to get back together with me, otherwise why wouldn't she come out and say it? She even said yesterday "Just because tonight was fun and you are staying over...this doesn't mean we are getting back together tomorrow or anything." What she wants to do is continue to string me along until whoever it is she's making out with either turns into a boyfriend or doesn't work out. That way, I'm there as a fall back plan. Have you even read this whole thread? She says she loves me, but she doesn't do anything to act on that really. For example, if she loved me, she should have no problem saying "Hey, I realize I made a mistake by breaking up with you, and I'm really sorry for it, and I hope that you can forgive me for it, and maybe we can start over as a couple. Take it lightly, go on a few dates, enjoy each other's company again, build our relationship back up, etc. etc." But no, she's never said any of those things at all. Yeah, that might be a difficult thing for her to admit to, but if she can tell me that we are splitting up, then she can tell me she wants to get back together. Also, why would she go make out with someone else when we hadn't come to any sort of conclusion about our future? She didn't just give someone a kiss. She MADE OUT with someone, and she wasn't even drunk or anything. Hell, telling me she "made out" was all about her - a way to get guilt off her chest, not to be honest or help me. For all I know, she really had sex with someone else and just changed it into "made out" just to feel better about it. And if she wasn't drunk or anything, then that means her inhibitions weren't even lowered. She made a perfectly conscious decision to do this. If she had (or I had) said "OK, I don't think this is going to work out, we probably don't need to get back together," and then gone and made out with someone and I found out, I would be a little upset yeah, but wouldn't have been angry because I knew we weren't getting back together, and that she was moving on. But what she's done this whole time is string me along as if we WERE going to get back together, and then just go make out with someone else in the meantime. I suppose I could have done the same, but I really do love this girl, and I just didn't feel like it was the right thing to do unless we had come to some sort of conclusion as to whether we wanted to work on getting back together, or just call it quits.

What I've wanted this whole time is my girl back, but I don't have her back. I still just have the possibility of getting her back. Yeah, that possibility seems greater now, but it really just seems like she's trying to continue playing games and keep me in her pocket. Have her cake and eat it too. I think what it really is, is that she is afraid or doesn't know how to just let me go, because she isn't really ACTING like she wants to come back, but just SAYING it. She SAYS she wants to, but she does not ACT like it. These are two totally different things. To me, words don't mean $#!t without some definitive action behind them. She knows this, I've told her this. I don't see her showing up on my doorstep apologizing and asking to have me back. Hell, she's come to hang out with me where I live TWICE since this break up. I've hung out with her at least 4 or 5 times where she lives since then. I mean, it's totally on HER to do this, and she knows that as well. I've told her that. I know it would be a hard thing for her to do, but $#!t, it was hard for me to just live for the past 2 months. I feel like all I hear are words but don't see any effort behind them, which is why I think she's full of $#!t.

I think you need to leave her alone. You are still not able to handle being around her and she truly didn't do anything wrong. If some beautiful women came up to you and wanted to have sex with you when you were not with her would you be the devil for doing it? No you would be human and a luck 1 at that lol j/k. Even though you didn't deal with anybody else doesn't mean she didn't or couldn't you could have and you chose not too. Move on man you are really hurt and haven't gotten past it. You shouldn't even be spending time with her until you are clear and free in your head.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

She does not finally want to get back together with me, otherwise why wouldn't she come out and say it? She even said yesterday "Just because tonight was fun and you are staying over...this doesn't mean we are getting back together tomorrow or anything." What she wants to do is continue to string me along until whoever it is she's making out with either turns into a boyfriend or doesn't work out. That way, I'm there as a fall back plan. Have you even read this whole thread? She says she loves me, but she doesn't do anything to act on that really. For example, if she loved me, she should have no problem saying "Hey, I realize I made a mistake by breaking up with you, and I'm really sorry for it, and I hope that you can forgive me for it, and maybe we can start over as a couple. Take it lightly, go on a few dates, enjoy each other's company again, build our relationship back up, etc. etc." But no, she's never said any of those things at all. Yeah, that might be a difficult thing for her to admit to, but if she can tell me that we are splitting up, then she can tell me she wants to get back together. Also, why would she go make out with someone else when we hadn't come to any sort of conclusion about our future? She didn't just give someone a kiss. She MADE OUT with someone, and she wasn't even drunk or anything. That means her inhibitions weren't even lowered or anything. She made a perfectly conscious decision to do this. If she had (or I had) said "OK, I don't think this is going to work out, we probably don't need to get back together," and then gone and made out with someone and I found out, I would be a little upset yeah, but wouldn't have been angry because I knew we weren't getting back together, and that she was moving on. But what she's done this whole time is string me along as if we WERE going to get back together, and then just go make out with someone else in the meantime. I suppose I could have done the same, but I really do love this girl, and I just didn't feel like it was the right thing to do unless we had come to some sort of conclusion as to whether or not we wanted to work on getting back together, or just call it quits.

What I've wanted this whole time is my girl back, but I don't have her back. I still just have the possibility of getting her back. Yeah, that possibility seems greater now, but it really just seems like she's trying to continue playing games and keep me in her pocket. Have her cake and eat it too. I think what it really is, is that she is afraid or doesn't know how to just let me go, because she isn't really ACTING like she wants to come back, but just SAYING it. She SAYS she wants to, but she does not ACT like it. These are two totally different things. To me, words don't mean $#!t without some definitive action behind them. She knows this, I've told her this. I don't see her showing up on my doorstep apologizing and asking to have me back. Hell, she's come to hang out with me where I live TWICE since this break up. I've hung out with her at least 4 or 5 times where she lives since then. I mean, it's totally on HER to do this, and she knows that as well. I've told her that. I know it would be a hard thing for her to do, but $#!t, it was hard for me to just live for the past 2 months. I feel like all I hear are words but don't see any effort behind them, which is why I think she's full of $#!t.

I'm glad that you had that sorted out. I've read the WHOLE thread. Just misunderstood that last part.

Good for you.

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Originally Posted by kuulski

I think you need to leave her alone. You are still not able to handle being around her and she truly didnt do anything wrong. If some beautiful women came up to you and wanted to have sex with you when you were not with her would you be the devil for doing it? No you would be human and a luck 1 at that lol j/k. Even though you didnt deal with anybody else doesnt mean she didnt or couldnt you could of and you chose not too. Move on man you are really hurt and havent gotten past it. You shouldnt even be spending time with her until you are clear and free in your head.

I think you are right, I do need to leave her alone. Furthermore, she needs to do ask I asked her to and leave me alone, and yet she continues to call and text. I'm not the one initiating contact at all. I didn't even really want to go out to eat with her, but she was almost begging me.

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Originally Posted by kuulski

Even though you didnt deal with anybody else doesnt mean she didnt or couldnt you could of and you chose not too. Move on man you are really hurt and havent gotten past it.

Exactly - I could have, multiple times, and chose not to. I'm not a bad looking cat, and I can probably get some tail anytime. But, out of respect, I wanted to make sure we were either done, or moving forward together before I did anything like that. But, if she really and truly loved me like she keeps saying, then why wouldn't she choose to do the same? I mean, I can't speak for her, but what the hell? That comes across to me as 'she does not feel the same about me as I do about her.' And so my only choice from there is to just be done with it... which, I know, I've tried to be for several days now, but things like this make it a whole lot easier.

It irks me even more that, a couple of weekends ago when I sort of argued with her and thought she was faking being sick she told me to "have fun getting laid tonight," all pissed-off like when I told her I might be going to a club. And I mean, I know she didn't go have sex with someone, but she's out there making out with some dude. What the hell! I feel like such a moron for wasting my time trying to get her back, and almost feel stupid for wasting my time with her for the past 4 years... but I mean, I didn't know this was coming so I guess I can't be that upset with myself. And also, now that I know this, how does this help me trust her any better? This really just makes the trust factor hard because, well she didn't lie to me and was honest (at least I think, she could have just stopped with making out and not told me anything else that may have happened), which gains a little of my trust, but the fact that she would just be comfortable with making out with someone doesn't help at all. It just sends all the wrong messages, on top of the whole 'lets break up' message.

You two were not together. Don't get upset with her because she was moving on and you weren't. This what she told you she wanted. "A break"
You know where you stand now, you've heard it from he mouth. I know it hurts, but get over it and move on.

Freak this girl is emotionaly abusive. You need to get some balls and leave her alone. She is just playing mind game with you and taking advantage of your kindness. You sound like a nice guy and she is taking you for granted. For some reason a lot of women like men who are jerks. When they have a nice guy like you, these type of women will just walk all over you which is exactly what she seems to be doing. The sooner you start ignoring her and not answering your phone and texting her back the sooner she going to wake up and chase you down. Trust me on this one I am a woman around her age I know these games. Don't call don't text. If she calls you or texts tell her that since you wants a Break I want to give you your space so I think we should stop talking so you can have time to think. Call me when you have a defintate answere as to what you want to do. This will shock her and she will either wake up and realise what she has in you or she may never call then fine that means she was not meant for you. You need to be strong and make this stand and see how she will react. I can almost predict she will be shaken because she is used to you kissing her a*s and wanting to be with her. Try it works almost every time.

I think if she was really hot for him she would not be talking about the "Break" jazz

She is not emptionally abusive. She broke up with him and he never accepted it. We have been telling him for the longest he needed to get on with his life. She did with hers.
No point in calling her names and getting mad at her now.

What he needs to do is leave her alone and get on with his life. I don't think she is playing games with him. He has just finally gotten a clue

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Originally Posted by Soldout

Freak this girl is emotionaly abusive. You need to get some balls and leave her alone. She is just playing mind game with you and taking advantage of your kindness. You sound like a nice guy and she is taking you for granted. For some reason alot of women like men who are jerks. When they have a nice guy like you, these type of women will just walk all over you which is exactly what she seems to be doing. The sooner you start ignoring her and not answering your phone and texting her back the sooner she going to wake up and chase you down. Trust me on this one i am a woman around her age i know these games. Dont call dont text. If she calls you or texts tell her that since you wants a Break i want to give you your space so i think we should stop talking so you can have time to think. Call me when you have a defintate answere as to what you want to do. This will shock her and she will eigther wake up and realise what she has in you or she may never call then fine that means she was not meant for you. You need to be stong and make this stand and see how she will react. I can almost predict she will be shaken because she is used to you kissing her a*s and wanting to be with her. Try it works almost every time.

I agree with both you and Homegirl 50, but since the other night when we had our talk (see the above post Soldout), I have actually left her alone. I really have. I have made this stand - that's what our conversation last Saturday night was about. I have taken everyone's advice and finally told her that she doesn't need to text/call any more unless she has decided she would like to work on moving forward together - basically what you just said. If she doesn't call, I would know what the deal was (even though I've pretty much got it now), but I would have at least had time to clear my head and move on since then. In between the time we had that talk (last Saturday night) and today, she has texted me about 4 or 5 times, called about the same amount of times, maybe a bit more. Hell, she even texted me this morning when I got to work, and before I even left for work she told me she would be calling tonight. I've ignored all of the texts because I told her texts were bull$#!t and she could call me if she really wanted to talk, and answered the phone calls only after she had repeatedly called me (which I think was only one time or two that I've answered out of all the calls). Even then I kept the conversation short. Yes, we went out to dinner last night, as a date, which was planned last Saturday (actually she wanted to go Sunday or Tuesday but I decided Tuesday would be better) and yes I stayed there last night, etc. etc. (see above post again) and she did seem to kind of be coming around. Yet, when she told me about her making out with someone, I just kind of felt my stomach drop out. I even said to her when she initially broke it off, and had this little deal with myself that, if she was with someone else at any point in what I thought was a "break," then that would be it. And so it is. It sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it now. My head says 'just F it, forget about her' but my heart is having a harder time doing that... but that's the way it goes I guess.

To all of those reading my thread whose story is roughly identical to mine, good luck! Read Chuff's, Homegirl's, enigmagnetic's, and clarityseeker's advice, and just LEAVE HER ALONE, and if you just can't, then flip her game around on her. This is really the only chance you have to get her back if it's going to happen. Just freakin' ignore her, be gone, vanish. I know it seems like the wrong thing to do, but trust me, it's the exact thing to do. And I know everyone reading my thread at this exact point will say "this seems like it might not apply to my situation and it isn't the right thing to do in my case," but trust me, it is. It really is. Either she will come around, or she will not, but at least you will have your head clear and will start to move on either way.

I wish you some peace in all of this. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but I hope now you will be able to move on.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I wish you some peace in all of this. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but I hope now you will be able to move on.

Thank you, I really think I will. And thank all of you for all of your help with this! I am so lucky to have people that don't even know me who are willing to listen to my problems and help me work through them, as well as give really good advice. It really is just an awesome act of kindness that I don't know if I'd ever be able to repay you guys for! Thank you so much!

I'm not going to lie, it tears my heart up even now to think about this situation, but given the information that I have now, I think I can stop listening to my heart, and really start to listen to my head - and my head is saying "Just don't talk to her any more. Just leave it, leave it, leave it. Move on. Work on making money, your body, your health, your friends, the things you like to do. Work on you!" And so now, I think that's what I'm going to go do. But don't you avid readers be fooled, I will still post updates on here if there are any worthwhile updates, and perhaps pop in on some other threads to give some advice to those who are going through the same thing but are a few stages behind me. Also, if anyone has been following along with my story, please feel free to ask me any questions if you want, and I will try to answer in a timely fashion! Ugh, I think this whole situation has literally caused me to get sick, again! Oh well, I'll live! Peace. Oh and Chuff, you Fing rock.