Ask Me Help Desk - Why am I so fixated?

Quote:

Originally Posted by HurtingALot

Hello everyone...I am back after a while. (I have been reading....just not posting. Things were going ok and thought I could give you all a break from my drama!!) Anyway...I am back. THE UPDATE.... For those who don't know my story, here it is in a nutshell. Had a relationship with a guy who was pretty much a jerk most of the way through. (9 months..) Don't get me wrong, there were good times too...(guess there always are at some level) but the bad far outweighed the good. Of course when he says he wants a break/break-up, I am devastated...and fall to pieces. That's where this board came in and without the daily input from Tal, Geoff, Emo and a list of others, I don't know how I would have made it....(as it was, I think I just barely did.) SO....after about a month, he contacts and says he wants to try again, but differently. (Of course...stupid me) agrees and we get back together. The getting back together bliss was pretty short-lived for me. I was happy to not feel heartbroken anymore, but the relationship (and his behavior) was/is pretty much the way it was before. (SURPRISE...) Anyway...after a few more fights, I decide this is crazy and start seeing other people. (unbeknownst to him, or at least so I thought.) I know that this was of course wrong of me to do and I should have just ended it with him, but I still am into him (for whatever ridiculous reason) and don't want to let him go just yet. So, this goes on for a couple of weeks and I think that all is going ok. We haven't been seeing too much of eachother but this is ok with me since it affords me the opportunity to go out with others without lying to him etc etc. SO....last night, he calls and says he wants to talk about us. Long story short, I find out that he recently met someone else as well and supposedly met up for the first time this past week. He says they had dinner, a peck goodbye and nothing else happened. I think I believe him. He doesn't know if he is going to see her again and assures me that he's not trying to replace me, as I am still his girlfriend (for whatever that's worth...) We later talked about how I have been seeing other people, and he says he has known, he's not particularly happy about that and therefore, feels justified in seeing this girl himself last week.

He says he doesn't want to totally "end" us.....he thinks that we can work something out....But I told him I'm not ok with being with other people if we're really together.

Sorry about the LONG story....I'll get to the point. If I am seeing 2 other people who treat me so much better and there is actual future potential with, why does it kill me to think that he also had a date with someone else?? I know deep down that there is no future with this guy. He is a manipulator and can be really mean and verbally abusive....yet after a year, I stay. I also know that I am not being totally fair to the other guys (the good ones) because I am still "stuck on stupid??!!" Why can't I just let this one go?? I know he is bad for me, yet I can't seem to say goodbye.....

HELP????!!! Please??!!:confused:

I know exactly how you feel. I was in the same predicament for the last year and two small children were involved in my mess. I loved this guy like there was no tomorrow I've asked here you can read my questions as well and found out after the fact that he had been sleeping with at least 5 different women including his ex wife. I tried to kill myself for what reason I have no clue. If my friend hadn't been there to stop me I probably wouldn't be here right now. I just felt so stupid for not realizing the signs and for putting so much effort into our relationship. He still calls me all the time and we've seen each other every weekend for the last month or so. I can't seem to shake him. I think about him constantly and it doesn't get any better. And every time I see him I melt again. I just try to take things one day at a time. Hopefully it'll get better one day.

Thank you thank you for your thoughts. I know that I really need to let this one go, but it is still hard. SDJosh, you are right, it's been a year... So even if we're not "really serious" (though I think I definitely was more serious throughout until recently... ) it's still a year of both of our lives?

SAB... You were there for me then and now that I am back... so thanks in advance. I know that I should let him go... but I love/lust him? Not so sure anymore... When I am out with either of the other two (great) guys, I sometimes find myself missing stuff about him, when I should be giving 100% of a chance to something different.

Haplo... Dead on about fear of being alone. I know I was holding onto him before because I didn't want to be alone... but now that there are better options for a real relationship/future, why can't I just cut my losses with him? It is crazy to want something that continues to hurt you over and over again and diminish your self-esteem and expect that somehow it will be different the next go at it... (The actual definition of insanity, I think! )

I just don't want to hurt anymore... period. Heartbreak is NO JOKE!

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaj675

i know exactly how you feel. i was in the same predicament for the last year and two small children were involved in my mess. i loved this guy like there was no tomorrow i've asked here you can read my questions as well and found out after the fact that he had been sleeping with at least 5 different women including his ex wife. i tried to kill myself for what reason i have no clue. if my friend hadn't been there to stop me i probably wouldn't be here right now. i just felt so stupid for not realizing the signs and for putting so much effort into our relationship. he still calls me all the time and we've seen each other every weekend for the last month or so. i can't seem to shake him. i think about him constantly and it doesn't get any better. and everytime i see him i melt again. i just try to take things one day at a time. hopefully it'll get better one day.

Kaj... I agree. Every time I see him, I melt too. It makes it almost impossible to let him go. And he always wants to "see me" to talk about things. I can never just end it over the phone, because he knows I am so weak when we are together. I know I need a clean break... but I wonder if the fact that I melt when we are together means we're supposed to be? Or am I just a crazy little school girl?!

Hurting it's been over 5 months since my ex fiancé broke up with me again. Their is not a day I still don't think of her. On the other 3 major break ups she did with me I was worried I wouldn't find anyone that's why I never let go of her. And when she came back on every break up I took her back because she was what I wanted. I didn't want her with nobody. But on this break up deep down she wasn't for me and I just wanted the hurt to go away. And when I let go a month ago I see improvements every week. But you have got to do this. Just imagine staying and getting married... Then divorced. And the only way to stop hurting is to completely let go. I have, and hopefully in 3-4 months I won't think of her and hurt as much. But have faith in yourself, I do.

The thought of him spending time with another girl literally makes me sick to my stomach. But I have been out dating other people... Hypocrite! I know what's good for one has to be good for the other... but it hurts. I almost wish I had never met him. It's been so much drama the whole way through. I should leave him to create such drama with someone else and be relieved to be rid of it?? But I am so selfish as to not want to share him... even though I know I shouldn't really want him?! He has brought very little to my life in the past year... I have given so much and mostly he has just taken. But, there's just something about him... gotta find a way to let it go for good.

Question... Is the fact that I have gone out with other people reason enough to believe that I don't really love him after all? If I really wanted it to be him... I wouldn't entertain the thought of being with someone else, right? And the same for him? Even though he calls me his girlfriend and him my boyfriend? Are we just kidding ourselves? Or is there really something more here, since we are talking to others, but keep each other around...

Hurting he sounds just like my ex, and all those other break ups I was just like you. It does hurt I know. And I wish I never had met her but in away I am I She did change me. Some for the better. I learned a lot from her about life, so maybe God wanted us to meet our ex's th find out who we are. And you are not selfish in not wanting to share him. It's called jealousy, And your jealous because you love him. Nothing wrong with that. But sometimes you have to let the love die down even if it's for the best.