Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
Don't get yourself more confused by talking to her, sounds like you need some space from your phone or even seeing her name as a missed call. YOu think thinking of her possessively is enough..
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
Don't get yourself more confused by talking to her, sounds like you need some space from your phone or even seeing her name as a missed call. YOu think thinking of her possessively is enough..
Yes it is embarassingly weak, when a caller id gets you confused. 48 MF posts of advice and you still don't get it?? What the freak??Quote:
or is it weak on my part to call her?
What part of mind games do you need to have explained to you again??
She went on a date with someone else and you worry about RUDE??
She's having a great time and your stuck on stupid!!
She is laughing her arse off, cause your hers whenever she wants and you can only see LUUUUUUUUUV!!
Dude she DUMPED you, now she is DUMPING ON you.
NUT CHECK!!
Hay, i thought i told you what to do!! You need to turn the phone off and leave it off for two weeks. I don't care what you do with it. What you should do is wrap it up in a plastic bag. Go for a drive if ypu drive or ride your bike to some deserted place you know of. Did a whole and bury it!! Leave it there for two weeks, this way you do not have to worry about anything. All you will have to do is think to yourself how much is she going to want me now she can't possibly get in contact with me. She will probably end up coming around to your place cause she will have no idea what your doing. Tell her yurve been so busy you haven't even had the phone on you.
Do this today!!
Don't take this crap anymore cause it isn't getting you know where!!
Read back on what i toold you les you see her the more she will come after you... simple
I could not rate tal on this answer but it is by far the best I have read and nothing more needs to be said.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Well I will say this anyway... Stop analyzing her calls, her texts, or anything her. You may not think you are but you are (in a way) playing mind games.
Sorry to say this but you are in the friend zone and you must accept that it is over.
Stop talking to her, it won't do you any good. Be strong, be a man!! You will get through it, I promise you.
But maybe that's what you need to be. The "one that got away".Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
Due man up just ask and if it was going to work why did you ever break up to start with just tell her that you don't want to be the one that got away and see what she say's. Its to easy .
Thank you again everyone for the advice -
This is where we are now. Like I said Friday night she went out on a date and that same night she called me and wanted to go out for a drink. I was out with some friends so I didn't call her back. Than she calls me a couple times on Saturday (I didn't call her back, and her last message on Saturday went like "how come you're not calling me back, at least have the decency to say you don't want to talk to me anymore". So I call her back Saturday - I didn't ask about her date (should I have) we small talk and I tell her I'm going to a party that night and I'll talk to her later. She calls me later that night and asks if she can come over and sleep at my place - of course I say yes. I wind up getting really sick (flu) and Sunday I'm in bed all day. She calls me a few times to see how I'm doing.
Oh yeah and she wanted to know if I she was going to be my date at my friends wedding next month and to RSVP for both of us.
Is she trying without actually saying as much to get back together?
She may want to keep you in the friend zone because she is scared you will move on before she does and might explain why she wanted to stay over at yours the night of the party you went to. Sounds too much like mind games for my liking.
I think she does not want you to move on before she does and once she finds a replacement for you, she will either keep you in the friend zone or cast you away from her life for good.
That does not necessarily mean it will work out for her though but you must forget what life holds for her and get busy living your own life.
Until you realise this, you will forever be her puppet.
Somebody tell me how you stay under the thumb of someone who dumps you? I don't get it. I know for a fact that you can find someone who loves and respects you, and will treat you better, all you have to do is move on, and leave this nutcase alone. Don't you respect yourself?
Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I think the answer to this question is that when you are dumped, yourself esteem plummets to nothing and you are not thinking clearly. You doubt your desirability and worry that you are unlovable. You want the ex back badly because you want to do whatever will work to take away this pain. You try anything to get them back, from "friendship" to no contact (hoping to get them to miss you). At least that is how I remember feeling when on two occasions, I have been under the thumb of someone who dumped me. I loved both of them and had invested a lot in both of those relationships.
Now that I am stronger, I am no longer under anyone's thumb and couldn't imagine being that way any more. But at the time, this is what I was feeling.
Thanks for a very insightful answer Belle, sorry I had to spread the love, but I hope the OP reads your very good response and relates to it.Quote:
Now that I am stronger, I am no longer under anyone's thumb and couldn't imagine being that way any more. But at the time, this is what I was feeling.
I don't believe you if you want this girl back, you will have to not be afraid to lose her. She asked if you are going to the wedding together. Tell her if you don't have another girlfriend you might get her to come but you will probably be right. She's still dragging you along. You went to a party the only reasion she wanted to stay was so she new you didn't meet anyone new. You should have said no don't stay im staying at a friends house.
If she asks who say listen we are not together anymore and uintil we are what i do is none of your business we are not a couple at the moment so im living the single life.
Tell her its best if you don't talk as often from now cause your moving on. You must do this she isn't going anywhere hell she went out on a date and rang you on that night.
Take control its sitting in your lap but your too scared too take it.
This is so easy oyou have her where you want her but your to scared to push her away cause you are telling yourself if i push her away then she may go well if she does she doesn't wantyou.
She is not going anywhere all you need to do is show her you want a relationship and she doesnty so your finding someone who does simple.
Keep not answering and then tell her you have another party and if she rings to stay or meet up tell her no you don't think that's a good idea. Remember let her wonder what your doing don't fall for the sex if your not getting it from her she will think your getting it somewhere else.
Get with it push her away she is chassing and you can't see it cause your not strong enough to risk it.
You must do this or she will finally meet someone and put you away and become really mean. Do it now
6 pages of advise, take some! ;] Get a life where your happy without her.
Agrees: airsoccer you hit the nail on the head in my opinion.
O.K airsoccer07, firstly what you write above makes the least bit of sense to me and perhaps you need to watch the grammar in future.Quote:
Originally Posted by airsoccer07
Secondly, what has my signature about coffee got to do with this guys situation, that is just light humour unrelated to this thread?
Thirdly, I disagreed with what you suggested because although I think that communicating how you feel is important and communication is the key to solving problems in relationships, for this guy, it is already over, he is already in the friend zone. See what tal writes below. In my opinion, tal is spot on, he needs to move on and find someone that will respect him. What you suggested was the complete opposite of what this guy should be doing and while you have a right to an opinion, I disagreed because I thought it was the wrong advice to give him. I also don't think it is hiding which you incoherently describe above, it is called acceptance and moving on, or letting go and finding a better life.
You can disagree again if you like but it won't change my opinion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I am a glutton for punishment.
We went out the other night dinner and a movie and we held hands and kissed (I got her flowers too) I know, I know... so I guess it was a date.
I know that she wants to see other people and I'm free to do so myself (I just haven't yet) anyway I feel that she needs to do this right now; kind of get it out of her system. Before she can commit to me - eventually settle down get married. Is this the right course of action? I guess right now we're just dating? Does that sound right?
Foolish man! Why you putting yourself through this. Don't make my mistakes!
I know I'm putting myself through this - exactly. I know this, I could/should just walk out of her life but I love her so much. And I know she loves me, she is just really confused right now.
You assume way too much, my friend. That's why your headed for a big fall. The last thing on her mind is the rest of her life, as now she just wants to have fun, with as many people as possible. Get with the program. She is not confused at all, she knows what she wants. You on the other hand, have no clue.
Well I can't just go NC because she's my date in a month- which she wanted. I know I'm putting this on myself but it's a lot easier to give advice than to take it. Just curious are any of you actually relationship experts or do you just work off your own experiences? Thanks
Your loss...
Damn good answer again...Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Re-read this..
Spot on again..
Just listen, does this not make sense to you? You are the one who is confused, yes she is doing what you say, but she is far more clued up than you might think, she planned this and knows what she is doing I am sure. I went through all this you are going through, I know it hurts but you have to face the fact that she is gone, pack YOUR bags and move on. I was told that 6 months or so ago and eventually I did once I stopped analyzing everything. You are entitled to be confused and upset but always listen and the pain will heal for you I guarantee you.
It all takes time.
I have no degrees on the subject, actually I was an engineer during my working days, but my volunteer work put me in a position of a life advisor, and counselor for at risk teens, and convicted felons, looking to stay out of jail. I also counsel youths and adults trying to get clean and stay clean. I'm also a father of two, and raised 3 neices, and have a load of grandkids we juggle, so I guess you can say my degree is from the college of hard knocks. Still Dr Phil has nothing on me, not even hair. What do you expect for free!!Quote:
just curious are any of you actually relationship experts or do you just work off your own experiences? Thanks
Wow, righthearted... only justifying (if they're really experts) advice you get only gets you more confused. Just because you love someone who is basically playing with you. People on here especially tal have spot on opinions that everyone can see. You're just clingy and blind by your heart that others advice doesn't matter no matter how much we tell you.
What it comes down to is how muchrespect do you have for yourself? What looks like you don't respect yourself let alone how are you going to respect being with someone if you want to marry them? I don't think being in a healthy relationship requires a lot of analyzing on behalf of someone's actions who supposedly loves you, let alone coming here for advice. YOuwouldn't be here asking for advice if you were happy enough to know what you want. What appears to me is a fantasy you think you want. It's like she's treating you like a dog. Here's a treat one of her confusing moves she pulls and you jump at it only because you like what she's *teasing you with* but enough to hope for a big bone.
If I'm wrong, I'm OK with that. Just anyone tell me so I know maybe I can have a better perspective from someone else?
Why do youeven bother to ask qestions, You are getting absolutely no where with this girl I will say this in about a month she will have another guy and you will be seeing no more movies with her no more holding hands with her no more kisses with her NO MORE NOHING YOU WILL BE GIVEN THE BOOT.
IF YOU WANT THIS TO HAPPEN KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING!! YOUR Doing ABSOLUTELY THE WRONG THING.
You got her flowers!! She broke up with you the only reason you did this was so you could call it a date!! Ask her if it was A date?? No it was just her taking her dog for a walk to make shore his still on the LEASH!!
She is allowed to see other people! Why do you think this is, THIS IS BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO FIND A BOYFRIEND GEEZ WHAT DO YOU THINK ITS FOR!!
If she really wants to be witgh you is she going to see other people!!
You say well I think this is best to let her do this and she needs it so she can be ready for marriage!! HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE IS GOING TO GO OUT AND MEET OTHER GUYS HAVE FUN THEN SAY RIGHT IVE SCREWD 3 BLOKES IM READY FOR YOU NOW HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No Way she is going to just find spome other guy and she will be with him!!
You say well I can't exactly go NC cause she is my wedding date, Why in the world are you taking her to the Wedding!! You know why she wants to go cause she doesn't want you taking anyone else cause she would be jealous!! If she meets another guy before the wedding she won't be going with you! You'll be GONE!!
You must tell her we are not together so why would I take you. If you really want to keep up with this crap you are doing which is not working well at least tell her listen if we are not boyfriend and irlfriend I can't take you to the wedding. She will probably just lie to you anyway and say OK so she can go!!
Have some respect and if you really want her to be with you, leave her alone forget taking her yo the weding forget holding hands forget kissing. Your not even her boyfriend and you are never going to be cause this girl wants a challenge not you all over her!! At least try for one week tell her yourve had enough its either she is your girlfriend or not don't be afraid to lose her oif she says fine let her go if she contacts you then maybe she wants to come back. YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF BEING WITH HER WITH WHAT YOU ARE CURRENTLY DONING NO CHACE YES NC NO CHANCE
So I'm sure some of you have read my previous posts - and yes it's been agony/torture doing what I've been doing to myself. Thank you all for your insight and advice.
Anyway, my main question is how can an ex GF not want to be with someone (me) that they know is always there for them and would give them the world (and no I'm not clingy - she was always the clingy one). All my friends tell me that she is crazy for breaking up with me as I've always been good to her- so why would she be willing to just throw all that away.
Just the other day I sent her flowers at her work and she didn't even call me to let me know she got them... I'm going NC I guess from here on out.
And do any of those "How to Get Your Ex Back" books work?
To answer your question 'how can an ex GF not want to be with someone (me) that they know is always there for them and would give them the world?'
Possibly because there is no challenge anymore, possibly because of the very fact that she knows that you will always be there and that she has you no matter what. Don't get me wrong, this quality you describe is what real love is all about, being there for the other person, standing by them through anything. The problem is, to keep that spark alive, there does need to be an element of challenge. If you give 100% of you to her then this makes you less interesting to her. She has you.
This does not mean that there is anything wrong with you but it is all a question of balance. I think a lot of the answers to your question are actually in what you write but you will retrospectively see things differently to how they really are because you believe that you are far too good to her for her to decide to throw such a decent man to the wolves (so to speak). You probably are a decent man who will stand by her through anything... That's great.
If you hold these characteristics then you are true to her and yourself. It may be though that you could find someone who will love and appreciate that about you and you mayu not have found that little miss right yet.
Even so, balance is still very important.
This can be very true for a lot of people. It's easy to take a given for granted and in doing so you lose sight of what's valuable and what's not. With relationships, I think that people become bored with regularity, with the mundane, and with stability, especially if they're young. Girls who have guys that they're unsure of like the intrigue, and the excitement that comes with it; it's a thrill ride, and it's easy to get a high from the thrill of knowing the guy that was on the cusp of abandoning them suddenly pays them attention again.Quote:
Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane
In short, this girl wants a guy that will challenge her, as Geoffersonairplane said.
Honestly, being 26, I don't like to deal with that crap anymore (actually I never did, but I'm much less tolerant of it now). I look for stable girls that are past that stage, or were never in it to begin with. You seem like the kind of guy who would be very devoted and she can't appreciate that. Logically, she's not the kind of girl you should be with. Maybe a few years down the line, when she's been hurt by morons a few dozen times, she'll see how valuable you are as a man and a human being. But right now, she's just not ready yet. She may never be. You'll just have to accept that.
Why do you think she didn't even call me to thank me for the flowers? And I called her cell phone a couple times the other day and she didn't even get back to me. I know she's been dating a few different guys- I just don't think they can do for her what I did/do.
Although I did do a lot the first 3.5 years the last couple I did say no to her more and didn't give 100% of me to her all the time and I stood up for myself when she b*****D at me. So I guess in the beginning I was a nice guy. Toward the end I was a good guy with back bone. So what was my ex's problem?
I can't even list all the little things that I did for my EX. And yes she did lots for me, but how can she just let all that go? Her not calling me back is really puzzling.
"Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for" - Brad Paisley
Take a long, hard look at you in the mirror - think about this - does she deserve you?
Simple answer - no!
Why do you continue to put yourself through this?
Move on, find someone else and in years to come think back to how badly this girl has treated you, and more importantly how badly you're treating yourself right now!
Women are strange, with a proportion of them (a lot of them posting on this site!) seeming to enjoy being treated badly and putting themselves through hell!
If you're a nice guy, you deserve a nice girl who WANTS to be with you!
Wise up and give yourself a slap fella!
She doesn't love you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
I know that hurts but that is the answer to your question.
Find someone who will.
I thought that by doing things for the person you love and showing them how you feel would make all the difference,t his is very perplexing to me. I know that there is a difference between "loving someone" and being "in love with someone" I just can't figure out why she would want to not have that in her life. Don't you want someone that is always there for you, through good and bad- and is always willing to do anything they can do for you. She has even said that I do everything for her and give her everything. Crazy!!
Should I text her to make sure she even got the flowers? For all I know someone else took credit for them.
You can love and want someone with every atom of your being, and you can do nice things for them, and say nice things about and to them and... (... endless list)
NONE of it matters if they don't love you and want you back just as much!
No, you're just starting to sound plain obsessive now!Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
Leave her be, she doesn't want to be with you! Don't let this wreck your life!
No disrespect to you but you are just too much.Quote:
Originally Posted by Righthearted
You have already said that your not the clingy type but everything you have wrote so far has painted a very different picture.
Take a step back, she got the flowers all right and why do you think she didn't call you?
Think about it.
Read again the responses above, not just from me but from others who have answered this question.
By the way...
I ditto what the others say about her not deserving you.
But you don't deserve her either, no, you deserve someone who will appreciate you and what you have to give in the sense of the qualties that you hold.
Sending flowers to an ex to try and win them back 90% of the time if not more just is not going to work. Likely, it will work against you by pushing her away further and putting you either in the friend zone or the clingy/won't let go type zone.
You don't want to be in either zone do you?
Be in the I am worth more, I am a mature adult who can let go zone.
Then move on.
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