Have you heard of The Artist's Way?
Amazon.com: The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher…
Takes commitment, but you may get some value out of it.
Or take up a journal. Write in it religiously.
|
Have you heard of The Artist's Way?
Amazon.com: The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher…
Takes commitment, but you may get some value out of it.
Or take up a journal. Write in it religiously.
I am an electronic music DJ/producer and also can write well. I need to start doing that. And not obsessing.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Thanks for sharing that book, I will give it a try. You're recommendations and insight have been excellent.
Cool mon. Im a bass player. Play with 2 bands & working on another one.
No prob, want to see you get through this.
You will. Takes time & hard work.
Thanks man.
I don't know why I am fighting so hard against what was meant to be...
I think it's because I didn't want to face the reality that my own self esteem and insecurities played a large part in what became of my relationship.
It was two like people going into their own world, and when all the pages of the book were read, it wasn't very pretty.
I'm still internally fighting the breakup because the breakup was a sign of everything that was wrong with me. While I recognize I need the breakup to move forward- I was in a pain/pleasure relationship where I was either loving life or hating it- becoming a lifeless blob- it certainly didn't need the fireworks.
But I also thought that it meant something more, that we would work through what is wrong with both of us, not be dumped by a train.
Funny thing is, she was right and said "we have some growing to do, and the growth has to come from within." She is smart, and can be loving, but it also comes with a darker/stressed out/insecure side. I considered it part of the whole of her, accepted it all, because without one piece of her she would be a different person. I guess she was not so accepting of me - or maybe I didn't accept her, that is why I kept on shutting down/getting in bad moods/ resenting her.
Either way I feel this journey is necessary and when I look back on it, it won't be seen as something negative. In fact, July was miserable, but I don't remember it as such.
"I think it's because I didn't want to face the reality that my own self esteem and insecurities played a large part in what became of my relationship."
Bingo! Give yourself a gold star.
But, not so much what became of it. "It" in general.
Knowing ourselves before we jump.
"I feel this journey is necessary"
Yup. This isn't failure, quite the opposite.
Like I said, use this "gift", say thank you.
But then it gets back to the problem of me feeling guilt and remorse for being a controlling person... Granted, as the therapist said I was not controlling until she cheated on me and then denied doing anything wrong, and I offered a lot of good and love, but I was verbally abusive at times.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I'm seeing myself, as I was, in such a bad light for many of things I did and it makes me want to express my remorse to her. Even if the breakup was inevitable and she is crazy, I was legitimately not a good person to someone close to me.
You are missing the point.
"as the therapist said I was not controlling until she cheated on me"
"I'm seeing myself, as I was"
Miserable and confused.
Still are. Keep up w/the therapist.
If you want to feel remorse than feel it. Then let it go.
Just don't direct it towards her.
She was a manipulator, still is. Crazy or otherwise.
You both were crazy.
Now one of you can get sane. YOU.
Wow great perspective.
Both crazy. I was getting beaten down, portrayed as the crazy one. I didn't see her for crazy... I was blind blind lost after a certain point of no turning back.
I guess we did it to each other... It's just confusing cause I was happier when with her, had such great expectations, but was also so paranoid and lifeless.
"I was happier when with her"
At least you thought you were.
Not the case. You are still in denial.
"lifeless"??
That speaks volumes. Get your life back.
Its yours. Not hers, mine, the therapist's or anyone else's.
Like I said, try doing something that has nothing to do with her. Fun stuff.
You can enjoy life now.
Also having trouble convincing the therapist I have an issue! I explain it and he seems to think I have it all figured out- cause I do! And he says I am doing the right things... But having the answers and believing in them are two different things. I guess I have to keep acting on them and know they work.
"he seems to think I have it all figured out- cause I do!"
If you had it figured out, you wouldn't be in this, now would you?
Listen.
And yes, don't act on false belief.
Sounds like you need to take some time off from this.
Go, have some fun.
Been working on it, staying busy.
Thanks for your help man.
Enjoy those dates with yourself.
Later...
Been working on it, staying busy.
Thanks for your help man.
Wish I would have discovered this place a month ago. Sa
Helped myself sooner... Or even months ago
Just read this and felt like it was meant for me to read today:
"Scan the list of qualities again and take note of everything market not an option: selfishness, refusing to communicate, living like an outcast, over consumption, obsessive activity, and agression. If our cells know not to behave in these ways, why do we?"
Therapy is coming across somewhat useless.
I don't know if the therapy is working, because it basically is stuff we have already discussed. It made me feel worse, not better. I have already realized myself esteem issues dragged me into this mess. In fact, I had her point that out to me myself. I have seemed to regress since my latest appointment, my eyes are so sleepy I don't know why, and he said I don't have a disorder, yet I am not OK. I became crazy, literally, that is why he said there is a double blow of not only being dumped, but because of my own issues leading to it.
He said it sounds like for sure she had borderline personality, and that's why the good pulled me in.
He said I just need to work on myself esteem. But I knew that... it hurts, but I know I changed, that's why this all hurts so much. I know it was a sucker punch, but the therapist doesn't offer much in terms of what to do.
In fact you guys here offered more.
Stay with it. Give it some time.
Talk frankly. Ask him for some suggestions.
If after a while, you feel like you don't click with him, have him refer you to someone else.
I'll keep with it. He said I adopted some of her borderline characteristics... He said borderlines love to pull you in, better than any other, but watch out.
He again said I have no disorder... Been only a month and he said it's a big wham to who I was. He said she can turn off just like she can turn on because they go between delusion as the best and as enemy. So one day I'm dream man, as soon as I slip up- I'm crazy and the enemy.
But she is a smart one! Cause she has had these issues her life, she knows how to escape. I had myself esteem torn down, was going crazy all along but I didn't see it... Did not see it for a second. Now I do.
I was physically sick , and mentally sick. Pleasure and pain. Pleasure only with her pain only with her. Walking on egg shells. All other life was just filler... Pleasure pain pleasure pain one person a drug. Now in rehab.
Got to believe there was a reason for this, a greater purpose. The hardest part has been facing myself, coming to terms of the person I became. So fearful, addicted, obsessed- without ambition but to get my fill of the drug.
Last summer I was sick and couldn't go out. So I tried to learn Italian, wrote, worked on music, read literature. Then I became a drug addict. All my money and emotions to one habbit.
"Got to believe there was a reason for this, a greater purpose."
Yes.
Don't get too hung up on clinical diagnosis of her. Just look out for those types next time.
As far as you go, learn to deal with your habits, obsessions and self-esteem issues.
Remember that if you work hard, there will be benefits.
You are doing the right thing by seeking help.
She didn't, or does define you.
You will get through this & look back & say wow!
I am so happy now.
Thanks man. Another day nc. A few more baby steps in the right direction.
Day 5 NC.
Last night got a bit drunk and wrote an e-mail. Didn't send. That is a breakthrough I'm hoping.
Still lots of regrets for the person I became, confusion, but a bit more clarity as well.
Tough adjusting to being single after becoming reliant on a person.
Had a slip up today as I was at my friends apartment, and he left his Facebook logged on. I have her blocked, but he is friends with her and I briefly checked her FB profile to see if there was the pic of us in your profile pictures. It was and it set me back a bit... Still no contact though, still a mess, but must keep moving forward.
Also, yesterday another former co-worker visited the office where we worked and then this former co-worker, a friend of mine (who has taken my side, been a huge help through all of this) told me she was not looking very good. I read too much into this comment, and it went backwards today as well from it.
Tough part is that an entire area that used to be a home to me, an entire year of memories, and my place of employment have been spoiled by a sense of betrayal, regret, manipulation, and me becoming a terrible crazed person. I want those memories back, but they are tainted, they've become bad.
"I want those memories back"
You already have them. Good & bad.
You are doing great. Just resist temptation from now on, you've learned that lesson, huh? Right?
Remember, its over & in the past. Onward...
I still am not at a point that I could turn her down if she came back.
Everyone here knows how wrong she is, my family says she is broken and crazy, my friends say I should drop her if given the chance, red flag red flag by boss says, but still I need to reach the point where I am over her.
Because her personality type is never happy, always circles back, always plays the victim. I was not the cause of her unhappiness, and she won't have better relationships because I am gone.
I feel good owning up to my failures and improving
Well, you need more time then. She isn't going to come back and more importantly you shouldn't expect it or want it.
This was bad. You know it.
You are right. YOU are the one that has to realize.
Aside from me, this site, your family & friends.
"her personality type is never happy, always circles back, always plays the victim"
Sounds like you are still playing the victim.
Doesn't "really" sound like your are owning up.
Still in denial. Realize its dome for good first, then work on yourself.
Are we regressing?
I don't think regressing, I think I am getting stronger.
I woke up at my friends place today, as I did a month before, and I noticed a major improvement in where I was today as opposed to a month ago.
Yet still I'm in denial, because the intense moments of good won't come easily with someone else, if at all. Other relationships with other people I have had, never had this connection and good, but this came with bad too.
On it's face she is really the same person as me, in so many ways, or I became more like her... we brought out the worst in each other because of it.
But it makes me sick to think she is gone forever. I think this after effect was natural after spending a year idealizing someone, while myself esteem was low, a lot of stress and health issues, and that person acted like I was the greatest thing ever. So when that idealization is broken and that person flipped, I'm left with just the problems. I had this vision of things that was so skewed that I was acting crazy and didn't even realize it.
"I'm left with just the problems"
The only problems you are left with lies in your head.
Your own, not hers.
She's gone.
So get stronger, stop checking FB. That's included in NC, BTW.
I still find myself finding ways to get her back in my life somehow. In spite of everything... crazzzzy, stupid, but when you are in the moment, and spend a year idealizing someone as your soulmate, craziness happens.
She wasn't worth idealizing. No one is.
And wasn't your soulmate.
This is all in the past & now under your control.
Regressing on positive memories... Hard to break my mind from thinking she is my friend. She was all I talked to all day everyday for a year, still empty it's nothing and she thinks I'm ****
Day 6 no contact.
Regrets, why I just couldn't have fun with this chic, why it had to get all emotional BS
What Im most interested in is what your are doing for yourself.
"She was all I talked to all day everyday for a year"
That's part of it. All encompassing. Obsessive, right?
"she thinks I'm ****"
That's also in your head. You don't know. You aren't her.
Regardless, who cares?
Check out Byron Katie's 4 questions to ask yourself next time your head is spinning:
1.) Is it true?
2.) Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3.) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4.) Who would you be without the thought?
Then turn around the concept you are questioning, and don't forget to find at least three genuine, specific examples of each turnaround.
Focus your thoughts on you take a vacation from her.
Right now I am staying busy with friends as much as possible, going to gym regularly, therapy sessions, working on the physical health problems that I neglected in the relationship, reading a good deepak chopra book, and trying to get back into music and writing. So I'm trying all things. Drinking too much when I go out though.
This is going to sound shallow, but I can't get over the fact I could basically still be having fun and having sex with her if I just didn't do anything. If I just backed off, calmed down. But I think I WAS CRAZY.
Do you mean ask those 4 questions to myself with the crazy thought that comes up? I'll work on that.
Yup. Ask those questions.
"having sex with her"
Don't confuse sex with love or a relationship.
Glad you are doing stuff, but at some point you will say to yourself: "Enough is enough"
Why am I wasting my precious time dwelling on someone & something that's gone. Not to mention not good for you.
The past. Like yesterdays paper.
Are you holding on to that?
That's true, the most important thing to remember, is that at first she brought out the best, but then the worst in me.
People don't define us.
If she brought out the best in you, then you must have had issues prior. Her too.
How were you before happy & carefree or dying for a girlfriend?
She is a user that cries wolf a manipulator, you are needy, insecure & obsessive.
She still has you in her clutches & she not even around.
Feels like crap, doesn't it. Take it from someone who got manipulated. All as I acted like nothing was wrong.
Stop the madness now. Take a breather.
Concentrate on your amazing life without her.
Way better.
I didn't realize I was insecure and needy, but I was sick and did not socialize for 8 months... (salmonella and mold poisoneing) finally met the new girlfriend when I was coming back to normal health. And my previous girlfriend of 2 years was moving to Angola and we would have to end things for good.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I was happy, ambitious, content, but was dying for a GF. So I thought I met a perfect match and dove in... she said all the right things, acted like I was perfect. But then I started breaking down and doubting her. Became so vulnerable. She is insecure herself.
I think in this case we both saw the same things in each other, good and bad, but also she got pregnant early and things got serious because of that. Also we did have so much fun together, talk all the time, but the truth is I was the one who was getting angry with her, not trusting her, doubting her more and more... She really had no problems with me except when I was constantly getting in bad moods towards her.
She made me nervous- I guess I knew all along she was two faced...
But I was nervous because I was insecure and because I knew her very well- better than she knows herself. I had reason to be nervous.
She did love me, that is for sure, and I her.
But we both were walking on eggshells, twisted.
It's sad to admit that she was a user and a manipulator, I had no idea, but when I tell people things, they say how she was playing games. Yet it isn't fair to put all the blame on her, like I said, I was CRAZY
Yeah she had me in the palm of her hands since the first time she broke up with me... and I got squeezed more ever since then.
Although for some reason the previous breakups when we kept talking I didn't mind so much, I was way calmer. I think it is more the psychological shock of no contact and not being in each others lives. I was kind of OK after the breakups where we kept talking.
All you need to know is that's its done. Wasn't & isn't right.
Then your next thought.
Hopefully a good unrelated done.
Yeah done, scary to realize still, done.
Feel as if I had a conversation in person I could easily talk her out of it, she probably knows it too, but I've realized I needed my life back in order without her
"feel as if i had a conversation in person i could easily talk her out of it, she probably knows it too."
Talk her out of what? ITS DONE. NOTHING ELSE TO SAY TO EACH OTHER!
"scary to realize still"
Not sure what you are afraid of. A better life?
C'mon, man. I was accused of being an attention magnet here, but really...
Take a step back. Read through your thread a dozen more times. Take a rest, listen.
Don't beat your head against the wall anymore.
Im sick of her. You?
Yes sick of her. Posting here somehow keeps it from taking over my daily life. Clearly the toughest part of all this has been the realizAtion of the person I became, and not her.
I knew all along this would happen with her... Up and down, talking marriage then breakup on and off for months. It's why I snapped I knew it. But still it was me who snapped and became a bum, and a year as that person is taking hard to get over even though I am fixing it. I couldn't imagine being that person for the rest of my life - scary.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:07 AM. |