Before you get sucked back in yet again, reread your post and see this is yet another circle she is traveling in, and honestly, don't we all feel good after a party, drinks, and sex??

You better think a bit about what you do next as I believe the other her will emerge again, and want space.

I think your feeling are still so intense, it clouds your judgment, and you have hope (AGAIN) she has changed, based on nothing more than words, that have no actions, and drunken sex is not positive action.

I WOULDN'T BE AT ALL SURPRISED THAT SHE SHOWED UP AT THE PARTY JUST FOR YOU. So no defending her. Just pay attention, as I know how hard it has to be to cut those kind of long term attachments and rewrite the intense history of the past, but sooner or later, you will have to make up your mind to get back into the old limbo you have worked so hard to escape, or run your own program that works for you.

No more going with the flow and being confused. Decision time. Now make one!! And stick to it!! (let the glow of alcohol and sex settle down first, because I know you needed that shot of a$$, but don't let it be a factor in your decision).

I would have left at the sight of her.

I was in your position 2 years ago - my ex broke up with me and then asked me to get back with her after 7 months apart. Like you I'd never really healed and my general mood changed the instant I knew she wanted to be with me.

Now we're 2 yrs down the line (6.5yrs together total) and she's broken it off again, only this time we have a house and a mortgage together.

My mistake was to rush back into it without fully addressing the issues that broke us up the first time - now I'm paying for it a second time.

My advice would be to take it VERY slowly! If you feel you can open yourself up to her again, do it but don't go head first. Make sure you talk things through in full before jumping back in...

So, it has been 3 weeks since my last post and I wanted to provide y'all with an update.

Here it goes. As you may know from reading all of the unbelievable bs I've been through the past few months, three weeks ago, I saw my x of over 5 years who broke up with me 4 months ago at a party and ended up leaving with her. After that night, she told me she wanted to get back together with me and started calling to ask me to do things. Having been through this same situation with her before multiple times in the last months, I played it slow and didn't rush back into anything. Since that time, I have seen her two to three times a week for dinner or a movie, etc. I've spent the night multiple times at her place over the past few weeks (fill in the blanks). And things have been generally good. We have fun together.

Each time we've seen each other she's mentioned to me she wants to marry me again. She said that the circumstances that led us to break up were based on other pressure and stress and we both made mistakes. She admits that a month ago she wanted nothing to do with me. But claims that when she saw me at that party three weeks ago - she realized (in a matter of days since our last encouter?) that I was exactly what she has been looking for. That she realizes now that I'm the person she wants to be with and didn't know that at the time. Every time this gets brought up, I have consistently told her I don't want to be in a serious relationship with her again - somewhat of a lie.

On my end, for whatever reasons, I still want to be with her. When she calls or I see her and she expresses an interest in me - it's like the sun is shining only on me. All I can think about is doing things with her and making plans with her when I'm not with her. I've lost the desire to go out and try to meet other women and only want to be with her. And, the women I've met since we broke up were all awful - I started losing hope in ever meeting anyone even close.

Knowing all that, I'm pretty sure she has had sex with another man after we broke up. I didn't. In addition, her demeanor has changed - she talks about still wanting breast implants (something she was previously against), smokes and drinks a lot now (she rarely did this before) and says she has realized that she is just a "wild child" at heart. I always knew she was kind of rebellious - but not to this extent. Finally, she has told me that she is "talking to" many guys who want to date her including a married man. But she says she is just not interested in them.

So, what do you do - when you LOVE someone but also HATE them. When you're with them you're happier than ever. They're the most beautiful person you've dated, you have everything in common with them and love their family. And now, she's telling me she wants to marry me, again.

On the other hand. I hate how she treated me. I hate how she hides things and bends the truth. For example, I wouldn't put it past her if she was sleeping with me and someone else right now - which she would justify by saying "I'm not in a serious relationship with you?" - she did the same thing when we first started dating. But swears she never was with anyone else after we agreed to be in a serious relationship. I hate how promiscious she was in the past. I also don't know if I can ever get over the fact that she abandoned me in the first place. And, I'm also not sure she just wants me now ONLY because she wasn't able to find someone better right away or because I'm the one telling HER that I don't want to be with her (I know that's the type of person she is). In the back of my mind, I truly believe that if I did marry her, one day she may just leave again. Or, am I just being too immature and all of the things I hate could be much worse?

So what do you do?

More getting sucked back in. Bad move.

Lots of "I hate" in that post.

What you should do is move on. NC totally.

She will always do & act like this, then reject you.

Stop.

I agree - you are wasting your time. How can you be with someone you can't trust whose morals are also questionable?

How long are you willing to waste time on her. She makes u feel good in the moment, but how much can you trust her in the long run?

Start living your life without this drama.

Don't worry whether you will find someone or not. The last one didn't do it.

Give yourself some time to get yourself in check. (which you really haven't done yet) Do some soul searching & things that feel good. It'll pay off.

Then have some fun without worrying. She's gone.

Here's one more thing: Never, ever let someone suck you back in after dumping you.

Get in control of this & yourself.

I think you should tel her how you feel and let the chips fall where they may.
She is a different person, one you don't seem to care for. You missed her, you missed the idea of her, but I don't think you would be happy with her again.

Don't tell her anything.

Just go NC. She knows what you want. That's why she has such a hold over you. She doesn't want what you want.

Or will.

More of the same patterns of actions and thoughts. You stay stuck on this female, or break the patterns, and get on with your life.

Do you like going in circles or what.

My advice is marry her so you can enjoy this drama forever. I assume you enjoy it, since you always come back for more.

I think her coming back to you makes you feel good "yeah, she finally realized how super I am" Your pride and ego are playing tricks on you. Now get over it and use your head.
Do you really love her?
Do you love her enough to take her back and not be wondering about what she was doing while she was away?
Do you love her enough not to throw this in her face when you have an argument?

I don't think so. But these are questions you need to ask yourself. I will say this, don't play with her. Be better than that. If you don't trust her and love her enough to take her back, be a man and walk away.

Thank you for your advice. Some of it I agree with. Some, not necessarily. For example, "she doesn't want what you want" or "she's gone". Her actions over the past weeks; explaining why she wanted out of the relationship and needed it to realize things, telling me she knows I'm the one she wants to be with, making plans to do things with me, constantly calling me and txting me she "loves me" and "misses me"... say differently. She doesn't have to do any of that. Especially when I am not returning the exact sentiments.

What is so difficult for me to figure out is whether I am over reacting to all of the things I don't like about her. I do tend to over react a lot. For example, everyone has issues with their spouse; most want their significant other to have had less sexual partners; and even happily married couples fight and go through rough times and even sometimes seperations. I'm no saint myself.

When do you have to accept the fact that humans are not perfect and we all do things that others may not like and we all make mistakes?

A lot of you think the best alternative is to never speak to her again. So what you are saying is, once someone breaks up with you or makes some mistakes - they never deserve a chance again? That seems a little harsh and may be driven by such a strong theme for NC here.

On the other hand, I agree that over the past few months she has engaged in this pattern of hot and cold. Wanting me back. Then not wanting me back. Which is somewhat questionable.

So, why wouldn't the sensible course of action be - give her a chance and see if she really means what she says. Enjoy her company but don't commit to anything and continue to live my life for myself. If I meet someone else while I'm doing it that I like better; great. If she proves she is honest about what she wants and we work things out - then that could be great as well.

Wow, I just read through these 18 pages and it seems like you have been through a LOT!

There were times in your messages that I thought to myself you should just leave her and forget about her and find someone better! But through your messages you proved that you do love this girl, either that, or you haven't found someone else to fall in love with yet.

I think you should follow YOUR heart, listen to your OWN advice, everyone here is giving you great advice, but only YOU know her and know how you truly feel! Do what you think will make you happy, do what will leave you with no regrets, have fun, enjoy life, stop being miserable! Life's to short, ENJOY it! Best of luck, I hope in the end you look back at all of this as a great learning experience and benefit in it in some way.

I don't think I have told you anything but have clarity of thought, and make decisions based on facts, and not just feelings.

Do you have clarity of thought? Or the false hope that this time she means it? Sorry guy, when the words match the actions then I will believe them. Or should I go back and count the times you have said they didn't?

You tell me.

Hey Bill,

The only reason Im preaching NC is because it works.
Its what you need, but scared to do, as your OP title states.

Its about you, not her. Don't worry if that hurts her feelings or you will never get her back. That's not what NC is for.

She wants you, doesn't want you, wants you, etc...
Screw that. Is that the kind of person you want?

Not me.

To give y'all an update, it has been over 2 months since my last post. As those of you which have read my story know, I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years, when she gave me the "I need a break speech". We did have our issues, but nothing huge. I loved her and planned on marrying her (great family, common interests, beautiful) just couldn't pull the trigger because there was something about her I couldn't trust and I didn't know if I could deal with her *****y disposition all the time. This likey led to us "breaking up".

My posts detailed the 2 months of hell I went through when she told me "she wanted a break", where she would alternate between telling me she "missed me" and "loved me and wanted me back" and then telling me "she didn't want to be in a relationship with me" and insulting and attacking me calling me "pathetic" when I stopped responding and tried to go NC.

Despite all that happened, I still loved her and believed that I would never be able to find anyone better for me. As I wrote in June, we ended up spending the night together after a party and she professed for weeks after that she now knew "I was the person she wanted to be with" and that "she needed the break to realize that".

After what I went through, I took the first couple of weeks slow, not wanting to jump back in. Things were great. She was excited to see me, constantly called me, etc. After a month and some persuading on her part we agreed to exclusively date each other again and give it a second chance.

A few weeks ago, I started to think that things have changed. Or maybe I am just overly sensative? Now that we are back together for almost a month, she has stopped the constantly wanting to talk to me see me. Her demanor has become displeasant to me at times again, but she always blames it on something else (school, work, etc.). But it will alternate between being affectionate and not. The weird thing is, I almost feel sometimes like I am forcing myself on her and that it is inconvenient for her to see me. Again, this could just me being paranoid and insecure.

I also found out that while we were on a break, she became "involved" with a married man she still works with. She had added his name in her phone as "My Future Ex-Husband" and I caught her texting him late at night. I brought up my issue with this and she swears that nothing phyiscal happened, but has acknowledged that she calls and texts him and that his wife disapproves.

Finally, she told me a few weeks ago that she has made plans to go to Las Vegas the first week in October for a "girls weekend" with four of her single friends. And has made numerous comments about getting the men in the clubs there to pay for her drinks and buy her and her friends alcohol. She showed me the plane ticket and she did book it before we officially got back together, but what kind of girl who is in a committed relationship will go to Vegas with four single girls and go out to clubs and NOT cheat?

It comes down to this. I don't trust her. But what I can't figure out is, do I don't trust her because I am overly sensative and paranoid or because there really is a reason not to trust her? I've never caught her in a direct lie or cheating, but something just doesn't feel right and she has had a long history of being conniving. For example, last week we got in a fight over something inconsequential and her response when I asked her what she wanted to do to resolve the issue was; "if you want to take another break that's fine with me". It took me calling back to apologize to work things out for something she started.

Second, all she constantly talks about now is money and makes periodic references to meeting a "rich man" and how she deserves to date someone who makes close to a million dollars a year or a professional athelete. I truly believe that if someone rich came along she would leave me for him. Almost like she is just settling for me now, until she can find someone better and she has no problem doing it on the side while dating me.

Despite all this, I still continue to love her. Likely because I have been out and been single and I can't even come close to meeting anyone as attractive and with the same common interests as I have. At my age, 34, with all my friends married and with kids except for me it seems hopeless for me. I can't imagine putting in the time to find someone else that would want to marry me (I'm not rich but do make a decent living as a small business owner).

The worst part is, the thought of her leaving me again makes me unable to function (almost like she's the only thing that is good in my life even though she's really not). When I was without her my life was miserable and I could barely make it through the day.

Now, it is almost as if having her now (even though I know she makes me miserable sometimes and think she doesn't really want to be with me) is better than not having her at all. I just can't seem to figure out if I am overreacting and being oversenative or if there is really something seriously wrong?

I wouldn't worry about her cheating until she actually does. If you love her the way you say you do - you should love her no matter what her faults are. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone if you don't trust them - and that won't change over time. I say just let her go to Vegas and don't make a big thing about it - if she cheats then it should be over - if she doesn't then great. Believe me a lot of people go to vegas and don't cheat on their significant others. If you are significant enough it shouldn't matter.

If you just think she is going to cheat on you all the time - make up your mind - you are either going to be with her and put up with it and stop complainging about it - or you leave her and leave all of her crap behind.

Your choice. You can deal with her the way she is or leave her.

Oh and 34 really isn't that old - once you realize that maybe you will have an easier time finding other people to date.

This is why you don't go back after a break up without dealing with the issues that caused the break up.
I also think you were told by some that if you did get back together, it wouldn't be the same, you would not trust her.
What you should do is tell her you are just not feeling her like you did before, you have some misgivings and you think you two should call it quits.
This is headed for a break up anyway. Why would you want to stay with her knowing she is texting somebody's husband?
End this before you get hurt again.

Bill you sound like me 3 months ago.

I gave 150% to my ex and was getting probably 60% back. At the beginning they are all over you like a rash then a month later... you get left emotionally again. Every single time there were promises of changes but it never happened. We never did solve the problems that caused the breakups in the first place. Big Mistake!!

So I was miserable in the relationship and I was miserable out of the relationship. What do you do??

I left. And yes I'm miserable, lonely and miss my ex terribly every day. But id rather be all that then be played like a fool and given false hope of a life together.

Your gut is telling you something. Listen to it.

I really agree with kaka67. I used to successfully get the ex back once. The first month, only the first month, everything seems to be really great with such a bright future and promises. After that it went down and down with many things that put me in doubt and the same old feelings that I was left alone without his understanding and caring. Whenever I tried to have commnucation, it turned out to be avoidance and almost silence from his part. It's really hurt and painful. In addition, deep down in the heart, I found out that I didn't trust him and I can't forget all the past when he lied and cheated on me. My instinct and his behaviors showed quite clear that he didn't want to make it work but just be with me because he can use me for some benefits. Then the time comes when he got what he wanted, he dumped me without even look back.

Who's to blame but myself. I shouldn't even get him back in the first place. When the pain was just too much and the trust was broken long time ago, the feelings just can't be the same again. I learned all this in a hard way. This time I make a huge difference as I rarely look back and never think about getting this seflish bad guy back into my life again.

When you do NC, this is for the purpose of getting over her and move on happily with your life, not for any other false hope reasons. Therefore, think through, make a decision, and go for it. If your decision is to continue having her in your life, then do it and accept whatever consequences that might come like what happened to me. But if you think it'd better to move on, then stand up for yourself, stay strong and keep doing NC strictly. It's hard, I know, but one day you'll be fine and happy again if you can do it.

I would cut your losses now.

Just know that this isn't going to change (you have LOTS of proof) & that there is a woman out there that can actually love you for you.

Not treat you as an option. Then come back and talk about her other "idea men" She's got some balls.

You are letting this all happen by keeping her in your life.

My guess is when she is no longer in your life, you will feel a giant weight lifted.

Nothing but disrespect from her. Not love.

Ok, so an update and a request for advice.

As many of you know, my current "girlfriend" of 5+ years broke up with me, was definitely with other men (99% sure), and then we got back together. She claimed she needed time to "find herself" and now knows that I'm the one she wants.

I've tried to put the past behind me and make things work because despite all that's happened, I love her. And don't believe I will find anyone that I am as remotely attracted to.

That being said, I don't trust her AT ALL. But I can't figure out if I am just so overly sensative and paranoid that I am making it up. Or, if there is really something going on.

To give y'all some background. She now lives by herself about 45 minutes away from me. We see each other approx 3 times a week and talk multiple times everyday. She tells me she loves me and constantly makes references that I'm the man she wants to marry. And has been making a lot of references recently about "she's ready to get married".

That being said, she constantly cancels plans to see me. Always saying let's just do something another night or makes some sort of excuse.

I am aware that she has not told most of her friends that we are back in a relationship.

Our sex life has gone from great; to once every two weeks. She has always claimed that she is just not a sexual person. But I am aware she has been with MANY partners.

She is very protective about her phone and constantly checks it.

Then, last night we went to a bar. I ran across the street to visit my friend. When I came back she was talking to a guy. When I asked who he was, after having to pry it out of her, she admitted that he was someone that her sister set her up with when we broke up but that they had never met. I saw on her phone his name and found out that she had been texting with him over the past few weeks (we got back together months ago) and invited him to come meet her at the bar. When I questioned her about it, she said "oh, I invited him for my single friend"? I also found out from another one of her friends, that my girlfriend showed her a picture online of this guy the day before and commented how handsome he was.

After this, I also found out that she has been texting with another guy that she "went out with" when we broke up. But she claims that he just keeps inviting her out and she is only being nice by responding.

On the other hand, while she does cancel plans with me I know that she is home on the nights she does (I speak with her) and over the past couple weeks has not gone out by herself or just with her friends - so it would be very difficult for her to be actually cheating on me with someone. She also does make plans to do things with me with her friends and family.

So, the question is, is it wrong for her to be talking with and inviting to meet out some guy that her sister set her up with while she is "in a relationship" with me? When I raised the issue, she told me I was the one with trust issues. When I told her that was OK as long as he knew that she was "in a relationship", she claimed she didn't need to go out of her way to tell anyone that.

I get the daily feeling that she is just keeping me around until she finds something better. And based on her history, is doing deceitful things behind my back. Maybe not going out with other guys, but definintely talking to them.

If that is the case, why would she waste her time to just keep me on the back burner. Or, am I just so paranoid from all the bad things that happened that I am making it up in my head.

The Catch 22 is; I'm miserable without her (unable to function) and I'm miserable with her (but is it of my own doing?). I just wish she could be a good person. Or maybe I'm the one that is too critical?

"I get the daily feeling that she is just keeping me around until she finds something better"

That's what it sounds like to me too. Don't let her.

Like I said, cut your losses now. Doesn't seem like its getting any better or will.

She can say whatever you want to hear, but her actions speak volumes.

Did you really solve the issues from when you broke up before? I'll bet not.
Why did you take her back?
You don't trust her, you have the same issues as before and now you're asking advice again.

She is not going to be who and what you want her to be. She is who she is.
Get a clue. Leave her alone. And really leave her alone this time.

Agree.

Sounds to me like you are "goign out" with her for convenience and she is doing the same thing. Of course when you break up with her you are going to be miserable at first - you deal with it and it goes away. Sounds like she is just waiting for something better to come along just like you said - and when it does you are going to be miseralbe when she breaks up with you anyway.

You don't trust her - and you never fixed any of your problems so they will keep being issues. Can you live the next 60 years of your life with someone you don't trust?

End it now - it will hurt - but its going to hurt just as much when she breaks up with you. Make it a clean break - no talking - no texting - SERIOUSLY this time - and move on - there are better people in the world that you will be able to love and trust who will dot he same for you.

Harshness warning
If you were not so obsessed by your own fear of losing her, you could have walked away a very looooooooooooooooooooong time ago, and healed, and found happiness already.

Until you get over the FALSE FEELING you will never be attracted to any one like you are her ever in life, you will drown in your own sh!t!!

For one, how the freak do you know what you will find if you stop being stuck, and put the effort you put into wasting your time with her, and her BS, into moving beyond her and getting a life that you enjoy, then you would have better options and opportunities than you do now!!

For sure, even you can see how unhealthy your thinking has become since this whole thing started. You are a insecure, scared, paranoid, needy person who is a lousy partner for anyone. Not her fault, its YOURS, so grow up, and own it, and change it.

And you keep coming back asking for stuff you don't want to hear, nor intend to think about. See a doctor, get a pill, because your ears ain't listening.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.


I agree 100%

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.


I agree 100%

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Me too!!

Totally.

I'm sorry but your latest post makes me feel like at this stage you just still don't think about breaking up with her. I say I'm sorry because I seriously think, after reading your posts, that "This guy deserves far more better than this!"

And even she does something that clearly not respect you and continually put you in doubts. After giving you some lame explanations, you believe it or even you have some doubts, you still always try to find reasons to make an excuse for her or think that maybe you yourself are having issues or it's you who think too much. She doesn't even have to put any efforts to do a single thing to keep you or the relationship as you will always be here for her no matter what. Maybe when the more right guy for her shows up, she may break up with you (again) and when it doesn't work out, she can still get you back to her (again) as your actions and your words really match together "despite all that's happened, I love her. And don't believe I will find anyone that I am as remotely attracted to". She is just so lucky then, nothing to lose at all on her side.

But how's about you, what's about you? If we all say, this is not good enough for you and we think she lies and she doesn't care about you, are you going to believe us and break up with her? I believe that people who post all comments here want you to be happy. And in my opinion, how can you be happy if you have so many doubts with what she has done to you. Even if you convince yourself that it's you who think too much, can you stop the feelings of having doubts and the fear that one day she might go away from you?

It's normal to feel the way you feel. When someone dumps you for whatever reasons, it normally causes so much pain of being left and being abandoned. That's why most people usually don't go back to the ex and I think that's a more sensible decision. They choose to move on rather than going back to the one who causes them so much pain. How can you trust someone who hurt you once or more than once? Lot of us choose to feel the pain of the break up and they all survive and it's true that the pain usually fade away when time goes by. They choose to be with themselves than being with someone who no longer wanted them or treated them badly.

Based on me, and based on many good caring honest girls in the world, if I love someone, I don't leave him, I don't put him down, I don't break up with him, I don't lie, I don't cheat, and I never intentionally hurt my boyfriend feelings. When there's any problem or issue, I will honestly communicate with him and talk to him, so he can always trust me. And if you meet a girl with this character and integrity, the word "trust" won't even be an issue at all. It's really nice that you want her to be a good person. But the point is that you just can't and never be able to change the person to be whatever you like them to be. She is who she is and she won't change for you.

Therefore, I don't understand when you say that you love her and you say you don't believe you find someone better, if that so, then, why you still seem to suffer and have so many doubts instead of being happy? If she is all you want, you have to accpet all her qualities and for who she is, for both good and bad, right? You have to be ready and prepare to be a good backup in case that she dumps you again. At the same time, you also have to be ready to accept that, for who she is, she won't care so much about you and will always continue putting you in doubts or might secretly dating other guys sometimes. Are you prepared to handle those things that might happen (because she did them all before)?

From what I see, you keep posting here because you suffer from her actions and you don't trust her. Why keep going on this way and suffer yourself? You hope she will change for you one day? I don't think you deserve this at all. This is not about her, as she is who she is, but it's about you. After all those things she has done, you love her I know, but do you love yourself enough to begin to believe that you might deserve something or someone better?

You said "don't believe I will find anyone that I am as remotely attracted to." If you still attract to someone who broke up with you, put you down, and always look out for other guys, or even lied to you, if you believe that this is all you can have, then you are right about it. Sorry to be harsh, but when you believe it this way, you won't even think about other alternatives or stand up for yourself (let alone breaking up with her), so this will become truly all you can have (sometimes happy, but then mostly doubts, suffer, upset, roller coaster, or whatever).

My ex dumped me and treated me very badly, used and lied to me most of the time when we were together. In my case, he didn't come back (thanks god!). But assumed that he does come back and begging me, I will just say "No". I will never ever take him back to my life again. And the same as you on the fact that I really and do love this guy a lot I never imagine loving someone this much. But I separate my feelings from the fact and reality, I have to love myself more not to let myself being treated the way he treated me, or let someone who hurt me and caused me such a deep pain back into my life and wish that it will be different. I won't falsely believe that I can still have a future with a person who dumped me and badly hurt me as I just won't trust and won't believe anymore and why should I?

My age is close to you, and even if I become 50, I won't believe that I can't be happy on my own or can't find someone better. The opportunity is always there and it's only you to choose whether to see it or not. There're endless of possibilities out there, please just keep positive outlook towards life. I don't believe that this ex guy is the only one I'm going to love. I believe that I deserve to be with someone far better than him and I will find someone who will deeply and truly love me for who I am and I will reciprocate his feelings. In the case that I don't find that someone, I can be happy on my own surrounded by family and friends who cherish me and never dump or leave me for whatever reasons. I consider that far better than anything already.

Until you start to change some of your perspectives and some of your beliefs and direct them to a more positive way and towards a way of loving and cherishing yourself, you will remain stuck in this relationship. Please VALUE yourself.

I don't if this will help since I am going through a similar break up.
But, a few days ago I was in a relationship where my boyfriend was simply not available. I made excuses due to his hectic work schedule, but my gut feelings told me that there was something more going on that just wasn't right with the relationship.

But I stayed because I was blindsided by the way he treated me: he treated me well and made sure I received just enough attention. I felt that the relationship was going nowhere because we were simply not compatible. But we never really had any heated argument. Silence can be quite deadly sometimes!

But as I had posted before in my story, he broke up with me due to my request for more quality time (I thought this was a reasonable request. He on the other hand probably thought I was making drama. Whatever.). He came back later and then asked for time- off. Either way, I was devastated. Didn't eat, sleep and was lagging behind with work. I hated that I was losing control over my life.

But, I also I hated the feeling of being alone and was latched on to making the relationship work. I eventually begged and he came back. Everything seemed to be back to normal.

NOT so. His break up caused me more pain and I began to see the relationship for what it was. I ended the relationship 2 weeks later, because I realized he loved me but was not really into me after he had said something to me that day (it had triggered my decision to end it). He didn't step up. I found out later, I had broken up over a big miscommunication. He had no intentions of breaking up with me.

The funny thing is... if it was meant to be and eventhere was miscommunication he had the perfect chance to explain his side of the story when I broke up with him. He didn't explain himself and simply agreed to the break up. Either way, the relationship was not worth it to me because I realized it was simply more of a toxic attraction that I was so latched on to. And my head was telling me enough is enough.

I'm sure deep down, your head and heart is telling you the right answer, but that fatal attraction/ addiction towards her and fear of loneliness are pulling you back.

Trust me. It is hard to break up and breathe on your own. I've had a few relapses where I text him to meet up. But then, I thought, "what am I doing?" I am still mourning and fighting urges to reconcile. But the best thing about the break-up was that I was finally able to find the courage and stop what was not healthy for me. I can finally be me.

Anyhow, I don't know if my story is any help, but wanted to share it with you to show that you are not alone in this crisis.

You should have married her when you had the chance..

First, I wanted to thank everyone for the support and advice. I am aware it is so hard to give advice on something when you don't know me or my exact situation; only what I am able to put here online.

That being said, I agree with what a lot of you have written. I know deep down she is NOT the perfect person I am looking for (i.e. someone who puts me before themselves as I did with her and would do for someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with).

On the other hand, there are so many good things about her that I love and have never had with anyone else (e.g. almost identical common interests, a good family that cares about me, she's so beautiful that if I were married to her I would never want to cheat with another woman, etc.). Which is why it makes all the awful things that happen and the bad things currently happening so difficult.

It is a horrible position to be in because with her I am happy but sometimes miserable. Without her, I am devistated and unable to focus on anything else. I know this is unhealthy and I know it is more of my personal issues that are causing this.

For example, I can admit a lot of this has to do with my insecurities. I want to be able to provide her with the house, car, life without having to worry about money, things she wants, etc. - but financially I just can't. To make it worse, her boss (the married man) she was with and all her friends and her work colleagues - live this life and they bring her into it. I can tell, it is very important to her. And, I guess, if you had the ability to be rich and have many well connected friends to do all these things - who wouldn't want that?

In addition, I can admit that I haven't been the perfect person for her either (I've lied to her, I've sometimes treated her badly, etc.). But I hope that people can change. That is probably the only reason I still hang on to our relationship; the mere hope that maybe it can be what it once was and what I want it to be.

The reality is, I know in my heart that I can't keep her - I'm not good enough. Or maybe, I am - and I deserve better - but I just have no confidence that I need to keep her in my life to feel better because sometimes, as bad as it is, it feels like it is the only good thing I have going for me.

To summarize - yes, I am unbelievably insecure, paranoid, etc. I am probably not a good partner to be in a relationship because it causes me to be jealous and question everything.

On the other hand, maybe I should question everything because of her actions.

It would be so much easier if I could just catch her cheating or lying, etc. But instead she is always very cunning and makes me feel like I am crazy to question her. Then tells me she loves me and only wants to be with me. It makes me think, maybe I am crazy to not trust her?

It almost feels like I am in a mentally abusive relationship. But if you asked her, she would say there is nothing wrong I am doing it to myself.

So you are stuck on her. I can understand that, so at some point you are going to have to make a decision, and stick by it no matter what the outcome is, good or bad so either jump in all the way and take the risk of facing a disaster, or walk away and never look back. Sitting on the fence only results in splinters on your butt and a severe case of hemorrhoids.

Make a decision for yourself, and end this torture, as I know you have personal issues that you need to address for yourself, but too bullheaded to explore any solutions, that don't give you what you want, and the thing you want is her, instead of being happy with yourself.

But you know all this as we keep going around to the same thing over and over, so enough venting, ranting, and stuff like that, its time for action my friend and I mean do something besides b1tch about the situation, and your feelings. She ain't going to change not one bit, are you?

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But if you asked her, she would say there is nothing wrong I am doing it to myself.

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She is right. Time to sh1t, or get off the pot.

Well admitting you have these faults is a start. You've now created a foundation on which to improve on.

However everything you put after, you've destroyed that foundation and gone back to square 1 again.

It can't be much of a honest, trustworthy and committed relationship if you're looking for something to pin on her.

And to be honest the only one being mentally absused in this relationship is you.. and unfortunately you're doing it to yourself.

You should have walked away and left it long ago. And wisely advised by Talaniman a while back.

I think you are in need of an honest self evaluation, without her influence. It's a painful process, but one that could break your addiction to this female. Are you up for it, or would you rather wallow in your own misery?

Like I said, make a decision for yourself.

Bill, regardless of what you will do, I think as long as you still have her in your life and still be with her, it will be very difficult to have a clear mind of what's going on. I don't say that you don't have some negative personalities, I read most of your posts and of course, as you said, I feel that you are not a secure or a confident type of person. I mean as human, we all have some negative behaviors or some bad habits and it's our own decision to improve ourselves to be a better person, which will of course contribute to our success and happiness with our own self and with other people around us.

But again, as you post your questions regarding the girl, I recommend that you should move on, maybe learn to be alone for a while, be with friends and family and simply be happy with your life. I think this is a better choice because, either it's because of you, her, or both you two, I see you suffer and not happy in the relationship and get stuck in something that's obviously unhealthy.

However, from what I see, I don't think you can walk away until there are some events that hit your limitation hard enough and clear enough you just can't remain stuck anymore, i.e. she (again) breaks up with you (totally let you go and never come back), or you catch her obviously cheat or lie to you again and again. I don't know when that point will come or when you will just get enough of it and tired of it. I'm concerned that that point might never come at all without any help on her part. If there's no situation that force you to leave her, you will remain stuck. Even when she breaks up with you, only some sweet words can get you back so easy. You just can't do it on your own (right now obviously).

"I just have no confidence that I need to keep her in my life to feel better because sometimes, as bad as it is, it feels like it is the only good thing I have going for me." This was exactly what I thought and that's why I never left my ex, until (with his help) he dumped me and never came back. And only NC, without him in my life, I begin to consider and evaluate the relationship without any bias and came to the conclusion that this was not the relationship that's worth saving (my false or his false just doesn't matter much than my belief to be happy on my own and my feeling of getting enough of the guy) and it'd better for me to take another way, so I never contact my ex again and begin to live my life. It's very difficult I have doubts if I can make it, but I'm still here and survive without him in my life.

Why you consider her the only good thing in your life? Don't you think that's bit unfair to other people who love and care about you? Maybe you just don't look at any other things that much. By keep being too obsessive on her, how can you see other things better than her? Just seeing a blue sky, doing some charity, hanging out with some good friends, can make you incredibly happy.

Anyway, I don't see you can do it or you can see it the way I see just yet. Anyway, I hope you will try to be more positive and be happier with your life and change some of your perspectives. Please don't suffer yourself or worry too much about her. Please engage yourself in other nice activities rather than just thinking about her. I hope there will be time when you really figure out what's the best for you. If you don't feel ready getting out, no one can push you to do so. Best of luck to you.

You first posted this is March - and you are still going through all of this just as if it was day 1 in March. When my ex broke up with me it was April 09 - I wallowed in it for a while - but by September I had pretty much accpted it and moved on. It is much less painful than you think to move on from an abusive relationship (sounds like this one is both her and you causing mental abuse on yourself). Yea it hurts in the beginning but just take it one day at a time - the more time and distance between you and the ex the less it hurts.

You have been dragging this out for months now -yea you thought you beat the system when she took you back, but really what did you win? You are definitely in more pain now than you would have been had you just told her to shove it and moved on back in the beginning.

It's not too late though to start now. Tell her to take a walk - and don't you look back. It is GOING TO HURT but - just think every week the pain will be less until you don't think about it anymore.

You sound like you could use a dose of being single - learning to enjoy life with friends - with out a significant other. You can't truly love another person and experience their love for you if you can't love yourself when you are alone. So - go out and experience and enjoy life - be selfish - love yourself. The world does not revolve around this one girl - you are missing out on a lot of good times by sticking to her.

In sum: get out - tell her to shove it - don't look back EVER!

You need to let this girl go and focus on you. You can't do that while you're still wondering about her sincerity.
You're miserable with her and miserable without her. Leave her alone and work on yourself.