Yes I agree amicon. You are not one of the people I was talking about. They know who they are. I even referenced things they said, she yeah, they know just who they are. And they have been reported as well. Hopefully that will stop them. But who knows.

I am glad its back too, that way I get to vent about the relationship. Eventually, if things in it do not get better or to where I want them to be, I will get tired of trying and I will move on. But its just so hard to do it right now, I've invested a lot of time into the relationship and I am just not ready to quit trying you know.

Sometimes I wish I was ready, but then I think I am making a bad mistake. And I know it may not seem like a mistake to leave, but for some reason I just feel like I am supposed to stay for now. I don't quite get why I feel like that but that is how I feel.

Like there is a purpose to me staying and continuing to love her. I don't know what is so immature about that but I don't care if its immature either. I am just following the path in which I believe to be true for the moment I guess.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Larken85

yes I agree amicon. You are not one of the people I was talking about. They know who they are. I even referenced things they said, she yeah, they know just who they are. And they have been reported as well. Hopefully that will stop them. But who knows.

I am glad its back too, that way I get to vent about the relationship. Eventually, if things in it do not get better or to where I want them to be, I will get tired of trying and I will move on. But its just so hard to do it right now, I've invested a lot of time into the relationship and I am just not ready to quit trying ya know.

sometimes I wish I was ready, but then I think I am making a bad mistake. And I know it may not seem like a mistake to leave, but for some reason I just feel like I am supposed to stay for now. I don't quite get why I feel like that but that is how I feel.

Like there is a purpose to me staying and continuing to love her. I don't know what is so immature about that but I don't care if its immature either. I am just following the path in which I believe to be true for the moment I guess.

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We all have our own path to follow and our own paths to walk. Hopefully this experience will help you grow as a person. It seems your calmer and more relaxed but please do not get rude about things OK. When things get rude that is when trouble brews and people get upset and frustrated on both sides.

Take care and hope you work through all these issues that you have personally and your relationship issues.

Good luck,

Joe

Joe, I really wasn't trying to be rude on that one comment. I sounded a little rude, I grant you that, but that's not how I meant it. I am sorry for offending anyone and I would like to stop the trouble from brewing.

Thank you for the take care and what not. I will learn eventually I'm sure.

Well its time to move forward from that. Time to move past it and go back to why we are all here. To learn and grow and guide each other in this life.

I've tried to be as straight with you as I can, and will continue to try and help you. I just think that you are caught between the good and the bad, and the bad is winning.

I'm actually glad they reopened this. I feel for you.

Good luck.

I am caught between the good and the bad. The goods are the best, the bads suck. I weight it back and forth all the time, trying to figure out which one wins out but once I think I figured it out it loses balance.

Our relationship is volitile to say the least. Toxic, maybe. I really hate to look at it this way but I am 24 and I have time to learn. I have the time to take from my life right now and one of my driving factors is, "How will I know if I never try" and "what if I waste taking the chance while I am still young. The older I get the less time I have and while I still have free time I can make mistakes." That's really my mindset. Its probably a bad one to have, but I've convinced myself that this is the way I want to look at things right now.

Here is a question, If she ever does let me move in, during the summer the kids will be with us as their father is not going to take them this summer. She is trying to get a job now (she filled out an application to a temp agency for part time work). If the kids are home, and she is working a few days a week, do I still have the right to take Joe time? I mean I love kayaking and Hiking, if they are all home should I feel obligated to bring them with me or is it selfish to want to go out without them?

I am kind of fearing this summer as if it is going to put a huge cramper in my free time and what not. I guess if I wasn't willing to include them in everything and stay around them all the time I should have thought about that a long time ago huh?

And its not that I mind spending time with her or the kids 90% of the time. But there is that 10% of freedom I still have and I hope it doesn't get cut down. I already feel bad for wanting to take some of our family time for myself and I haven't even talked to her about this yet. So I guess, what is your take on it? In my situation (regardless of the issues with the relationship) how would you feel about getting time to yourself. And how much time is too much time?
Generally speaking, my entire weekend day is devoted to me and the weekend nights are devoted to her. I really have no contact with the kids during this time at the moment and I am just wondering if I should feel like I have to if she is not working at the time.

The question you have to answer for yourself. Is how long are you going to keep trying until you realize the truth and that this relationship is toxic and that your just spinning your wheels and continue to spin your wheels without ever getting any where? I hope for your sake instead of always looking for the unhappy relationship and instead of continuing in something that is way too negative for you and your partner,

That maybe down the line you will actually look and want to be in a happy, loving relationship.

Nice sintimate Joe. I hope that eventually I find happiness, be it with her or another person. Happiness is my goal...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Larken85

here is a question, If she ever does let me move in, during the summer the kids will be with us as their father is not going to take them this summer. She is trying to get a job now (she filled out an application to a temp agency for part time work). If the kids are home, and she is working a few days a week, do I still have the right to take Joe time? I mean I love kayaking and Hiking, if they are all home should I feel obligated to bring them with me or is it selfish to want to go out without them?

I am kinda fearing this summer as if it is going to put a huge cramper in my free time and what not. I guess if I wasn't willing to include them in everything and stay around them all the time I should have thought about that a long time ago huh?

And its not that I mind spending time with her or the kids 90% of the time. But there is that 10% of freedom I still have and I hope it doesn't get cut down. I already feel bad for wanting to take some of our family time for myself and I haven't even talked to her about this yet. So I guess, what is your take on it? In my situation (regardless of the issues with the relationship) how would you feel about getting time to yourself. And how much time is too much time?
Generally speaking, my entire weekend day is devoted to me and the weekend nights are devoted to her. I really have no contact with the kids during this time at the moment and I am just wondering if I should feel like I have to if she is not working at the time.

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If you do not have any Joe time, Or you do not make your own Joe time. Your feeling bad for taking time for yourself. Well you should not, you need it, a lot more of it and truth be told that if you do not have that. Then your You will crash and burn and feel worse at summertime end.

Everybody needs there own time, and own things to do. She has her shopping and going out and spending money. Why not your time being outdoors doing what you enjoy. It is only fair don't you think. If it was me It would be a major relief having my own time.

I got to talk to her about my freedom though. I doubt very much that she will like what I have to say, but I am starting to feel a little trapped with summer coming and all. It'll be good for me to talk to her about this. She will have to deal with it. THat is something I have to stand firm on because I do need that time. And that is something that is going to have to be included in our relationship. I will talk to her about this today


We haven't had a discussion about it yet, but we are going to. And I guess before she has a chance to tell me how things are going to be I will lay down the law with this one. I am not willing to give up my personal time and if that is something that she has a problem with then she is fighting a losing battle. (of course I have no clue how she is going to respond to this talk right this second so I guess she could say yeah sure hun, whatever you want)

Ask yourself-am I happy?
Does the good outweigh the bad?

Only you can answer those questions.

I think you realise,that to most people on the outside looking in,and going by your posts,this relationship comes across as ,yes,toxic.

What you decide to do about it is of course your choice.

Agreed amicon. But its just hard to decide. Sometimes the good wins, others the bad wins. It's a cycle of constant change in mood and feelings.

A relationship should not be based on changing moods and feelings.

It should be based on if there is love there or not. If there is a solid foundation in the relationship or not. Which there is not.

Sitting on the fence all the time in your decision making is only going to make your situation only worse. A lot harder in making that decision when it comes down to the bottom of everything. That means you will always feel stuck but it will be the indecision that will keep you always in that mess.

Hmm... maybe it is time I tell her all of my feelings. Even if it hurts her... Even if I'm scared to...

I have told this to family members, people outside of my family and strangers.

That the longer you prolong things, oh and I experienced it myself too.

The longer you try to avoid confrontations with loved ones no matter who they are. The longer you try to do everything for them. The longer you keep everything inside that is making you unhappy. When you finally decide enough is enough,

And come out with everything it will be like a big time bomb and it will explode big and make you and everyone around explode as well.

The longer you leave things, believe me when the time comes to let everything out the reaction will be a 100 times worse.

Have to start learning how to share what you feel, and do it now. Even though it will be hard, or it will never happen and will turn into something so huge it will be even harder to handle when the time comes to eventually face up to the big bad mountain of a hill created by yourself.

By sharing things now, and learning how to open up you will hopefully avoid that eventual blow out down the road when things get so unbearable that everything comes out all at once.

Great advice Joe. I will take that to heart. It is time for me to tell her how I feel about everything. I hate to ruin the good time we've been having but if it needs done (which it does) I has to be done.

Honestly, and if it does cause trouble, know that the longer its left, it will even be a bigger disaster then if you do it now. I am not saying come out with everything and anything but if you feel it is that time then do it. The thing is from that point on and forward you need to try to be more honest with your feelings to her and then maybe things will be better down the road instead of always building them up inside until everything explodes makes sense right?

You know you're right. Honestly if I keep telling her how I feel and she doesn't like it, then it will come to an end anyway. If she accepts it and helps out then things will get better and better. I don't think she wants a free spirit, but that's what she got when she got with me and although I have really repressed that side of me, its time to be true to myself. I am locking myself away at the moment and I really need to come out with it and get things done

Good to hear...

You know what when you try to make somebody happy all the time by doing everything. And it is only one sided.

It takes away from yourself as a person and eventually you do things that is not right for you it will eat away at you.

Did for years with a certain family member, and I just ended up getting crapped on in the end, and all I did was everything for that person. Near the end, I could not handle it anymore and I turned out to be the bad guy in that persons eye and in the eyes of other family members too.

For me though, to take care of myself for a change and my own family wife and child and not worry about anything else was more important. The stress of it all was effecting everyone and the best thing I did was end that situation with that family member.

Let me tell you it was hard to do but the best decision I made. That is just from personal experience which you have to go through yourself to understand.

Life is the best teacher, second only to pure stupidity. In my case that is.

I don't think its stupidity-its more like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole-and sooner or later having to realise that its not possible.

Good analagy. But that does sound pretty stupid to me lol

I feel that you are just too young to be tied down. You have to have the "Joe time". I was one month shy of my 37th birthday when I got married. But I knew that I wasn't ready to settle donw quite yet. I KNEW. What you are going to have problems with is that she is much older than you are. She has had her personal time. She now has two children that are rightfully so, the most important thing in her life. You will always be third.

She is taking advantage of your kind nature. She says that she "loves" you, yet will not let you stay with her and the kids. Those kids will adapt just fine. And for the ex with the dog, he can kiss your butt.

Do some soul searching, and learn to be your own man. You will be absolutely miserable, and resentful, for missing out on your youth.

There is a nice girl out there who has similar interests.

I just hope you figure this one out before it's too late. You'll be sixty years old, looking in the mirror,saying " what the hel! was I thinking?".

Try to learn from the experience here on this board. We know how these relationships work. Sure, sometimes they work out just fine, but more times than not, when they start with this much trouble, they ferment into an undrinkable brew.

But that's your decision, and it's your life. We are just trying to let you see through the lacey nighties.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Larken85

"How will I know if I never try"

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Because a lot of us have been through it and already gave you advice. So you don't have to try. It's like "reinventing the wheel".

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Larken85

and "what if I waste taking the chance while I am still young. The older I get the less time I have and while I still have free time I can make mistakes." Thats really my mindset. Its probably a bad one to have, but I've convinced myself that this is the way I want to look at things right now.

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The reason a lot of us are here is because we want to learn and don't have to go through the mistakes and waste our time. Chances are there are a few great girls out there who are right for you but you missed the opportunity wasting your time here.

The lesson that you are learning right now cost too much for you and you can barely afford it. If you can barely afford this lesson how are you going to have enough money for the next one? How much money do you have? JK :)


A relationship with a single mother come with a lot of responsibilities more so than with a single person. If you decide to give this relationship a try, make sure you know everything about relationship with single mother, all the pros and cons associate with it. At least if you are aware when the problems come you are not surprise and are prepared to deal with them.

When you get tired of being broke and frustrated, you will leave this situation.

It is really on you. She cannot take advantage of you unless you let her (and you have) and the fact that she will not listen to what you say and has no problem having you work overtime to support her spending habit should tell you this woman is not a choice cut.
This not about her, she is what she is. This is about you. You are unhappy and working to support her. Ask yourself why you choose to stay with someone who couldn't care less about you, who treats you with such disrespect.

You are all making very good points. And especially you homegirl on that last one. Its not her at all, she isn't the problem. I am. I am the only reason I am going through this because I am letting it happen... time to stop it I think. No more letting it happen. Even now during one of our good phases I am saying that, so I am ready for a change. I am ready to make a drastic change. She can keep up or take off.

And About Joe time, I am not giving it up. Its one of those things that I need. Who knows, maybe I could find a nice single girl (not a mother) who loves hiking and other out doorsy stuff. That would rock lol. Not that I know any woman like that...

That's the way to think.
You don't need to be run over by a money hungry woman with two kids.
There is a woman out there for you, just open your eyes.
Get out from under this woman's control.

You ever think that standing up for yourself and expressing yourself honestly depends on how well you know yourself? How can you understand another, if you don't understand yourself?

Can't be done. Worse, you will always fall for anything, and be afraid of everything.

I think your cougar you have by the tail requires a strong hand, a man with solutions and direction, and leads by example.

So be honest here, is that YOU?

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Originally Posted by Larken85

I have also told ya'll to stop worrying about this for the present time until I am ready to make the change because at the moment it really feels like I am wasting your time. I am trying to be nice here and let everyone off without having such a battle as we were a little while ago. Honestly the fighting with me is ridiculous and childish and it needs to stop. Like the disagreeing with me just to give me a negative status, not cool, expeically not when I agreed with the last poster and they did not get a red. Not to mention that the person I agreed with gave me a red.

And you cannot disagree with me on my own post, I mean come on. If you do not like what I have to say, then go away. Thats all there is to it. I needed to rant and rave about the situation, its how I blow off steam. I am sorry if this thread has upset some people, and I am sorry if you feel I have wasted your time, but as I said, You don't need to waste your time any longer. Only people that want to stick around and listen to me should stay tuned to this.

I have to say thanks to the admin Ben and Tal for getting my thread reopened.

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Actually it was me who reopened the thread, not Ben. And I'm beginning to be sorry I did. YOU DO NOT dictate who can respond or how they respond. When you choose to post on this site, you open yourself up to whatever comments anyone wants to make. As long as those comments stay within the rules of this site, then you have nothing to say about the matter. If you believe the comments violate the rules then use the Report link.

This was the main reason the thread was closed in the first place.

I think you take Scottgems advice to heart, and see the point that you CAN stand for yourself when you WANT to. You just have to do it with HER, not US.

jmjoseph agrees: Maybe SHE needs an account here. He has stones here.

It is a lot easier to have stones on the internet and with strangers then with family or loved ones. I think.

I also agree with Tal, that he stands up for himself here, so that would make me think he can do it if he really wants to at home to.

The thing that I see wrong with this relationship, is its not about a disagreement over what color the living room should be and what should be for dinner... Its an argument about how YOU need to be for her in order for her to feel taken care of.

You continuously stand up for her, giving her reason for what she says or does. But in realiality, there is no reason for what she does and how she does it. The fact is she is just cruel to you. She is taking advantage of you and is starting to make you question yourself.

No realationship should make you question yourself. Make you fight for your own independence and definitely not make you want to work harder and longer to appease her needs.

Everyone has relationship problems. But you, sir, I think are in a horrible situation that is boarderline abusive.

The only way you're going to fix this problem is if she disppears from your life. Why you constantly ask for advise on here and then just immediately turn it down is beyond me. You need to think for yourself and decide on your own if you want to wreck your life because she bats her big eyes at you. And yes, from the sounds of this entire fiasco, you are wrecking your life. You are throwing away your youth because of this woman. You are injuring yourself because she needs more and more.

Where is she going to be the day you get laid off from work? Or hurt on the job? Will she still be around? Will she support you? I highly doubt it.

That may be something you want to think about.. You may want to look into the future for a minute and see if you see yourself living the dream, or walking around with a ball and chain.

Every decision that needs to be made needs to be recognized and made by you. No one, on here, in real life.. NO ONE is going to save you until you decide you need to save yourself.

This woman treats you like this because you allow it. Everything, from the fights, to her taking your money, you allow it. Its not healthy in a relationship for you telling yourself, and others, that you're going to have a discussion about what you want to do with your freedoms. That discussion shouldn't even need to be made.

You really need to find a different outsource to relieve your stress and anger with her. Every time you post on here, its getting more and more pathetic. Sorry to sound so harsh, but you continue to put a bandaide or a wound that is always bleeding.

Joe, That's what I don't quite understand. You come here for help. You get help. Every single person here, ALL of us, are telling you to get out, and get on.

You have literally hundreds of years of experience, I have over thirty years myself alone, trying to help you out of this jam.

Why ask for help when you already know what you are going to do?

Excellent points guys, but he does need time to process this realization he is coming to, and make a plan of action to deal with the coming wreck at the intersection.

I think he knows what he needs to do, it's taking that first step. It's like the relationship is the devil, but it's the devil you know, you're miserable, but you're comfortable in that misery. You don't want to deal with something new.

The fact that he is here asking questions tells me, he knows what he needs to do. It may take him a while, but when he is sick and tired of being sick and tired, when he wakes up one morning feeling down and asks himself if he wants this to be him a year from now, two years from now, he will leave.

One of the things I found a bit odd, when you are dating a woman with children, when you are talking about marriage, don't you develop some kind of relationship with them? I could be mistaken but has he ever mentioned these kids, how he feels about them?

This relationship is toxic and these children are exposed to this mess. They are learning how relationships work and it's not a very good lesson they are being taught.

I find it all pretty sad.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

One of the things I found a bit odd, when you are dating a woman with children, when you are talking about marriage, don't you develop some kind of relationship with them? I could be mistaken but has he ever mentioned these kids, how he feels about them?

This relationship is toxic and these children are exposed to this mess. They are learning how relationships work and it's not a very good lesson they are being taught.

I find it all pretty sad.

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Completely right. I do have a minimal relationship with them, and its not enough for me. That's all there is to it. Maybe you're all right, maybe I should just leave...

Yes you should. You seem like a very kind hearted person. There is a woman out there with no kids or drama that can make you a happy man.

I wish you well

Thank you home girl. I think it is finally hitting me the right way. Depressing...

I would imagine it is, but you will get past it. You just need to take a deep breath and take the first step.