When I was with her she wanted marriage, but I was scared, didn't communicate this to her because I did not recognize this. We parted and remained friends. During that period 1 year, she tried to get back together but I thought it was not the right thing to do. (I suspect she met someone) but she told me she had her eye on someone. I asked if she was seeing him and she said no. So I thought all is not lost and asked about us getting back together. She said No. When I asked about the time we spent together she said it had just been fun!! Eh? I could not handle this.

My question is this: If the person wanted to marry me and we split then yes the person may not be happy about this. But I never cheated or went with anyone else, I was just unsure. I came back before she was in another relationship, because I asked her and she said no! Surly if this was the person who you wanted to marry then you would be pleased that they are back in your life? You would at least consider it? How could it mean nothing?

Because of her reaction I went to pieces and acted in a bad way. I suppose I pushed her towards this new guy instead of attracting her to me. I wrote and told her my feelings, that I was handling things badly, addressing these and apologized. But this did no good.

-- As you can now imagine, it hurts that it meant nothing to her ! How could I have been so deceived? --

You didn't really expect to have her hold the door open for you did you?? You had your chance, and didn't seal the deal. You weren't ready, and that's okay, as you two weren't on the same page, and just as your feelings changed, and you became ready, her feelings changed also.

Have heart as this happens all the time. We forget in our quest for "the one", there may be many who are eligible, but the one we stay with, is the one.

The one that I drove away.
Any suggestions on the best way of dealing with regret and loss?

Previous post, lost the best I had, own fault, messed up. Very Naïve and did not realise the girls feelings to me would change. Stupidly always thought she would regret that we did not work out and even if others were on the scene, I could get her back. I did not realise the true benefits of a relationship, i.e. the emotional interest of the person. I did not realise that that is what really goes when the relationship ends ! Miss that person so much now. She is married, so I can't even talk to her. Yet now have to live the rest of my life with that regret! It’s been years and it still haunts me… Never really moved on. I get very down about it.

Any practical advice?

Read the stickies, and keep your azz off the pity pot. Time to cope, not mope!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Read the stickies, and keep your azz off the pity pot. Time to cope, not mope!

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Agree with Tal. Done is done so learn from the mistakes done in the past.

Tal, can't rate you twice today,but you said it perfectly!

Dear 4answers.

Don't you think that it's time that you took your life back into your hands and set yourself some realistic goals and go for them, instead of crying over spilled milk?

Ask yourself why you are putting your life on hold knowing that it's not taking you anywhere but deeper down that black hole of nothingness. Is that what you really want for yourself? You are not the only one in this world who has loved and lost, and you too will survive it and find the happiness you deserve. But, it's not going to happen if you sit at home and mope. Take control of your life again and give yourself another chance.

Start with doing some of the things you used to enjoy doing before you met her and go out with friends at least once a week WITHOUT bringing up the 'poor me' subjects. Even if you have to put on an act at first, but listen to what is out there in the world and open up and start enjoying it again.

Do as Tal said, read the stickies - see that you are not alone.. and get up and do something constructive instead of destructive.

Let me know what things in life that you used to enjoy.. I really would like to know.

Talk to you later.. Turn off that faucet and LIVE!

http://content.sweetim.com/sim/cpie/...s/0002006A.gif

I just wish I had been more aware of my own needs at the time. More emotionaly mature so that I would realise what I would lose.

I will always love and hate her, as well as hate myself for doing this. I have caused myself years of bitter lonliness and pain...

I don't receive emotional interest of women so this does not help my situation.

(I assumed she looked at the breakup the same as me, that it was with regret that it did not work out between us. - However it seems she is pleased we are not together and we will never talk again... Ouch).

Reading your post has really helped me. Because right now I know that I love my girlfriend I'm just very scared of getting hurt by her as I have done in the past, hence I am very paranoid a lot. Part of me wants to walk away, but I know in the future I will regret it!

Don't hesitate about the situation.
Let it be.

Is it possible to re establish value to ex's so that you can be on friendly terms ?

All relationships only end if its not working therefore the majority end on bad terms ! However time has passed.

The reason I am asking this, is following on from my previous posts of losing an ex who I regret and of not recognizing and valuing that a relationship is not just the physical person, but also the emotional interest of the person. And that my failure to recognise that it is the emotional interest that goes not just the physical person.when a relationship ends.

I have therefore looked over all my previous relationships. And to my surprise I have found a pattern emerging of me destroying through my actions the other persons emotional interest in me and then reacting to this as though it is the person being horrible () to me. Leaving me resentful and full of hate when they have moved on with another partner.

Relationship Niaveity I know - brought on by being raised in a loveless upbringing and having been raised in such a way that all I ever understood about relationships is negative emotions. This would appear to have led me to see relationships in only a physical sense, not an emotional one.

I therefore want / need to be able to understand this in more detail, so that I can break this destructive cycle in my life. So I want to be able to talk to the ex partners about how the situations changed their feelings towards me. As in each occasion I have so not seen it and not been prepared for it.

Do you think this to be possible?

Break up is break up. No contact = solution.

My ex gave me false hopes... telling me we could get back in the future and a lot of bullsh*t. After learning from Bigbird123, SneezyFunny, jiltedgirl, and everyone else... it's all lies~

Right now, I've been struggling with myself and still persisting to fight on. I plan on fuqing my ex's family just like she did with my family.

Why would you want to rehash old feelings, not just for you but for your exes, just leave it at what it is. Go see a therapist to understand your actions, don't drag other people into your problems

If you want to understand yourself and your exes better, then get healthy first, and identify the changes you want to make in yourself.

That means leave them alone, until your healthy enough to deal with yourself, and anything else life throws at you.

Trust me, not all of your break ups were entirely your fault, its never that simple. Don't think like that.

Hi guys. I need some advise if possible.

I was with a partner, scared to take the next step. Ended things, tried the friends, which we did. She met another and I realised the mistake I had made and went to pieces... Excessive contact etc.

Pushed her closer to this new guy.

Its been years and I have not been able to move on (not met anyone) or been able to forgive myself for what I have done. How I acted towards her.

My dilema is this. If I could turn back time I would marry her and have a familly. But I can't and she is married now.

She is on a social network site as we have mutual friends.

I want to send her a message to appologise for the way I acted ! But I am not sure if this is a wise thing to do ?

Any advise would be appreciated!

I think the only reason why you want to message her is to have that contact. But saying sorry now does not change anything because her life is set out, she is married now. Allow yourself to move forward. Have you ever thought the reason why you haven't met a significant other is because you are still hung up on your past? How do you expect to meet anyone when you actully don't want to, because you want something you cannot have.

(Its been years and I have not been able to move on (not met anyone) or been able to forgive myself for what I have done. How I acted towards)
It HAS been years and you have not allowed yourself to move on, why are you putting yourself through this? Forgiving yourself and being gentle with yourself is apart of moving on, it is the past and we all make mistakes and have regrets- its apart of life.

(My dilema is this. If I could turn back time I would marry her and have a familly. but I can't and she is married)
This is a dilema because we cannot turn back time, and if we could life would be to perfect. She has married now. What about you? Don't you think that you deserve marriage with someone?

You need to realise that we all make mistake, but everything happens for a reason, it was written. FORGIVE YOURSELF and this will help you to move on. I'm sure she has forgiven you, sorry to say but she probarly doesn't think about it, harsh I know.

[QUOTE=MiSSsy111222;1591146][B](My dilema is this. If I could turn back time I would marry her and have a familly. but I can't and she is married)
This is a dilema because we cannot turn back time, and if we could life would be to perfect. She has married now. What about you? Don't you think that you deserve marriage with someone?

QUOTE]

Your right on all counts, she has moved on, which kills me that the feelings were one sided. (I regret ever meeting her) I have not met anyone else because for some reason, poor looks I guess, women are not attracted to me.

So very litte I can do on that score...

[QUOTE=4answers;1591152]

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Originally Posted by MiSSsy111222

[B](My dilema is this. If I could turn back time I would marry her and have a familly. but I can't and she is married)
this is a dilema because we cannot turn back time, and if we could life would be to perfect. she has married now. what about you? dont you think that you deserve marriage with someone?

QUOTE]

Your right on all counts, she has moved on, which kills me that the feelings were one sided. (I regret ever meeting her) I have not met anyone else because for some reason, poor looks I guess, women are not attracted to me.

So very litte I can do on that score....

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So your telling me you have not met anyone because you are not attractive? Are you sure its not the lack of self esteem? Your attitude towards life right now sucks! There are 2 kinds of people

1# the onces who lack self faith, believe that they cannot do better, don't live life to the full because they believe they do not have the ability. THEY Don't TRY!

2# the onces who live life to the full, make with what they have got, believe in themselves. And TRY!

There is someone else there waiting for you. Sounds like yourself esteem is shatterd. Now its time to do something about it. What activitis do you like? You like sports? Reading? You have any hobbies?

Join a group, find some physical activities to do,you will meet new people and increase yourself esteem at the same time.

Missy made some great points, and the sooner you let go of the past, the sooner you can work on the now. You cannot go back to a happier time in your life, and have it work for you today. That's over, and done with.

Look ahead to building your own life now, and take responsibility for your own happiness. When you learn to love yourself, and who you are, then you can forgive your past mistakes, and move forward.

Now go do something good for yourself.

Bumped into ex when you parted years ago on very bad terms and the relationship meant nothing to her.

How do you handle that ?

You continue on, no need for playing catch up on a bad time.

I am not sure of the question's goal.

You keep on walking

You don't do anything. Avoid confronting her.

If it's unavoidable, be polite, keep the conversation as short as possible and keep walking.

Split with ex many years ago. Never stopped regreting the choice I made.

That is now gone, she has family.

On network sites she knows the same people I do, messages are left where we see each other. I cannot deal with this & can't deal with the fact that the time we had together meant nothing to her !

So I have hidden these friends from my view, so I will not see any messages.

How best to handle this situ ?

The fact that you removed her from your online social network is a good start. You have to continue on with your life without her, as she has moved on. You have to do the same for yourself. I know it isn't easy, but there is no other option.

One thing that I want to point out is that just because she moved on doesn't mean you meant nothing to her. I have a couple ex boyfriends that meant the world to me at one point but after a while you learn whether there's a future with the one you're with. It sounds like you did the right thing. It's time now for you to move on. Good luck!

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On network sites she knows the same people I do, messages are left where we see each other. I cannot deal with this & can't deal with the fact that the time we had together meant nothing to her !

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Because she has moved on with her life does not necessarily mean what you had meant nothing to her.She has moved on and that is a healthy thing to do when a relationship has ended.

If you can't handle seeing texts and so forth then distance yourself from that as much as possible.Do whatever it takes to heal and not cause yourself further pain.

I just dread seeing her again. It means nothing to her seeing me but an inconvenience ! But for me it a wrong choice I should have walked.. She pushed for marriage as well...

God this sucks, how can I still have so much feeling and she have none

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God this sucks, how can I still have so much feeling and she have none

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You can't know for certain how anyone feels.She may be showing one persona to the world while inside she is struggling also.You just can't know and it is counter productive to your healing to obsess about it.

You can't blame her for moving on. You made a choice and she moved on. Would you have felt better if she would have cried and begged for you to come back? Or stalked you? None of that is healthy. She moved on for a reason. You weren't the right one for her. Now you need to let go and move on also. You almost sound like you have resentment because she is over her past.

Once again, you cannot assume she cares nothing for you. There is not one girl I have been close to that I can honestly say I care nothing for. I would never wish to be with them again but I still cherish the time we did spend and wish them all a happy life.

As for the social network, I deleted my whole Facebook account over the same issue, I couldn't deal with it at the time. After awhile I cared less and less until I could really care less about what or who or when in regards to her. If it helps you get better and on track than you will do anything it takes, or at least you should.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

You almost sound like you have resentment becuase she is over her past.

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There is resentment there, because I asked her back when she was single and she turned me donw for a guy she was not even dating ! This from the girl who wanted marriage... That hurts so much...

And now she is married to him... The full relationship was deceipt.

No I don't feel it was deceit. I think she realized who she was and what she wanted after your splitting with her. Would you rather she chose you while she had her mind on someone else? That would have been deceit. Every relationship I have been in I pictured marriage. But then things happen and thoughts and feelings come along. I think you know you need to move on and let go. Have you even dated? Or have you tried?

It is not deceit, it is life. To fully let go you have to realize it wasn't meant to be, and hanging onto anger over her is just eating you up, and doing NO GOOD!

My credo in life: If a girl doesn't want you anymore, or didn't want you to begin, then BYE! There are plenty out there who will appreciate me. Life is too short to worry about someone who doesn't want you.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

There is resentment there, because I asked her back when she was single and she turned me donw for a guy she was not even dating ! This from the girl who wanted marraige... That hurts so much...

And now she is married to him... The full relationship was deceipt.

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The thing is though, when you dumped her, you basically made a decision to do so, and you can't be angry with her for moving on and not wanting you back when you regretted your decision... even if she wanted marriage when she was with you. You rejected her and once you did, you said no to marriage and you said no to being with her. I don't know her side of this, but I'm guessing that she moved on and realized that you were not right for her. She was probably also hurt when you broke it of with her. Sometimes we really just have to live with the decisions we make. No matter how hard it is. We don't even get to blame the other person. Because it was our own choice.

And even though this stings and it hurts, you need to find a way to deal with your emotions and move on from this. To bloke/delete those people on Facebook was a good start, then you don't have to be reminded of her and you don't have to see her messages and she is hopefully; out of sight, out of mind.

As for what the others said about not caring; I agree 100%

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Originally Posted by kctiger

It is not deceit, it is life. To fully let go you have to realize it wasn't meant to be, and hanging onto anger over her is just eating you up, and doing NO GOOD!

My credo in life: If a girl doesn't want you anymore, or didn't want you to begin, then BYE! There are plenty out there who will appreciate me. Life is too short to worry about someone who doesn't want you.

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Had to spread rep: exactly! This anger he is holding is not good for anyone!



This really is excellent advice (Qoute above). You need to let go of the anger and you need to let go of the girl who 'got' away. There must be plenty of reasons you decided to let go in the first place.

Hi guys. Could do with some guidance

In conversation with a long ago ex! Sent a friendy hi and received a reply. I apologised for the way I handled the breakup

I have always regreted losing her. I never thought she would not want me, or be pleased that we had parted. Confused how I got it all wrong. Angry at the mistake.

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

Just an observation from reading all your other posts, you need someone to be with to be happy.

You will never find happiness until you are happy with yourself as you are, and happy with the life you build for yourself.

Learn to depend on yourself for the way you enjoy yourself. That starts with a good look inside yourself, and seeing the good, and that gives you the ability to see the good in others, no matter what the outside is about.

That opens your mind and heart for what you need, as opposed to what you want. What you want means nothing when compared to what you need.

Hope that made sense.

Learn from your mistakes. It will make you stronger in the long run.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

Just an observation from reading all your other posts, you need someone to be with to be happy.

You will never find happiness until you are happy with yourself as you are, and happy with the life you build for yourself.

Learn to depend on yourself for the way you enjoy yourself. That starts with a good look inside yourself, and seeing the good, and that gives you the ability to see the good in others, no matter what the outside is about.

That opens your mind and heart for what you need, as opposed to what you want. What you want means nothing when compared to what you need.

Hope that made sense.

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Tal, your words always resonate within my soul, but I wanted to highlight those in particular because they were especially resonant. Thank you for them.

~ Tee

I understand Talaniman, Its not that I need her or another to be happy, however its natural for us all to want somebody in our lives.

Its just in this particular instance where I have made a mistake in letting someone go, who I should not of and assuming the person would always be available to me. I have found it very difficult to deal with the fact the person is closed off to me and that our time has no value to her, the person who wanted to marry me (pushed for this).

Whilst in the recent communication I have had with her, I took the liberty of apologising for my inappropriate behavior towards her when she met another (I could not handle the fact that all our time had no value to her). It stills leaves me with a sour aftertaste and I cannot for the life of me understand how you can go from loving someone enough to want to marry them and the person not mistreating you, to go to it meaning nothing at all.

There was as you can imagine so much I really wanted to say (good & bad) but I could not. If the past has no meaning or value to her what would be the point. And why does she not have so much to say to me? Is there no answers she needs from me?

I guess I am just mixed up as to the way to deal with this situation - Was an apology a wise thing or will this be taken in a negative way, was saying that we should not keep in touch as bad memories a good or bad thing ? When in reality I so do want to keep in touch and want her to know I regret not settling down with her. But is telling her that a wise thing, because since she has chosen this route, she now has two kids to another man. This I could not forgive.

Surly she must of known, since I never mistreated her, that I am not a bad man or since we were together a long time, this time which had lots of great times must have had / have some value to her. She must of known the bad handling of the situation was simple due to me losing someone I care deeply about (I told her this).

I need some clear headed guidance in this ! A help to let me see the wood from the trees