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Originally Posted by zippit

J-ELY i just went through the hole thread and re-read it paying special attention to your comments (and I invite you to do the same) i have to say i think you are just wearing this guy out,i actually feel sorry for him.you are very intellegent and have good arguments but good gosh girl let it go..take some time off from the issues to re-invent the relationship. ALSO
It seems to me you enjoy attacking him at night when he is tired and wants to sleep and i have to warn you that, that is a form of abuse,its a wear down tactic and is not healthy.chill out for awhile take things slower

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Zippit--you have opened up a whole new thought process to J_ely's problem and its uncanny because it so resembles what my ex said when we broke up.According to him,I have this knack of getting a hang of people much faster than him,of having my feelings flow much faster than his.In a way,when I look back now,he must have felt a bit overwhelmed by me,you know,considering I've always prided myself on attacking problems,finding ways to solve them,communicate,analyse etc etc,do everything to sort things out.

J_ely,maybe,if you stepped back a bit as Zippit says and let go of this bug in you to fix things just now,it could give you both that much needed space from each other to figure out your next step.Cos,in any case,what you are doing's(talking,rationalising,arguing etc)not really helping.So,if you really want this to work,then don't push further in the same direction.Change your approach.Wait,watch,do some thinking,spend some ME time,allow some air in:)... You both have past baggage to clear on top of this and you both need to do it together.Before that,you both need to be on the same page where you actually WANT to save what's there between you two.As far as I can see,your partner's still not in the zone where he FEELS the need to SORT things out.Allow him to REALISE he has things at stake here,so he better get his act together,cut out all the defensive crap and be more open in communication.Let him WANT to take on some of the work in this relationship.

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Originally Posted by Starry nights

Its so heartening to see this forum's regular people take so much effort in addressing the prioblems of someone in pain and confusion.Seriously,you guys and gals,you rock totally and I really thank my lucky stars I found you all out when I needed you the most.

But yes j_ely,theres a lot of thinking you need to do about this relationship you are in.If someone is forever coming back to you with shrink-talk about YOUR insecurities and not being able to DISCUSS issues maturely and instead acts DEFENSIVE and tries to make you feel GUILTY about trying to sort things out,then theres definitely a liot of ATTITUDE issues that need to be dealt with first.A lot of analysis,finding ways and means to get through to him,allowing him to come to you than you having to always take the lead and so on and so forth.Are you ready to take on so much stress in your relationship?Are you prepared to deal with his cheating ways,willing to give a LOT of TIME and PATIENCE to make this relationship work?

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Thanks Mudweiser:)Though I wish I had the same sanity to save my own relationship 8 months back:)But maybe if I weren't heartbroken,I wouldn't have searched the internet and found this forum.So,more gains than losses,I would say:)

j-ely,
You.r very much welcome,it is a really good feeling to be gone for a few days and come back and read what I just read.Helping in here brings mutual gratification its why it works!

Things aren't looking so good in terms of my relationship. I think there's a lot going on emotionally for us and I think its becoming overwhelming for him as he has a lot on his plate. I want him to be at peace, but I'm almost certain that right now, isn't the best time for us. I want to be with him so badly, and I would even go as far as to move out there to live with him and start a life w/ him. We need intensive relational therapy at this moment and neither of us have the means to do so. What should I say to him? He said he will hate me if I break up with him. Yet I know that I could never hate him. I will always love him and want him in my life. Help please?

Is this a long distance relationship? Way too many details have been left out for any of us to give you a decent answer.

I think if both people in the relationship want to put effort into making the relationship work then don't leave him yet. Discuss this with him and see what he has to say.

This is a continuation of a couple of other threads. I expect this one will be added to the others.

j_ely, I am going to review and see what thoughts and advice come to mind.

Yes, It's a long distance for the past 9 months. We used to live together for like 5. Great with each other then; Almost no problems there.

Please keep all questions about the same issue in the same thread, so that we can follow your story and give you more appropriate advice.

I'm really sorry to say, but this relationship is extremely toxic and it needs to end, regardless of how harsh that sounds. You're just hurting yourself by sticking around. You don't have to continue to suffer like this.

Maybe you two should cool things down by taking a few steps back for a while to gain some perspective on this relationship. Then when you're more refreshed, you can see things more objectively.

Is it so wrong for a person to still want to keep the lines of communication open with an ex. Recently there have been bombs the size of Texas going off in my relationship. There are just so many conflicts and things to resolve we are both overwhelmed so I opted for a break/ breaking up for the time being (he has a lot of food on his plate so to speak) and I have a lot of pressure as well, but mostly its directed at "me" making the relationship work. I can do it all on my own obviously. He retaliated and was enraged at my attempt to back out and present him with the opportunity to move on and do what is necessary--school and work.
I feel like I've just given up on this already and he's just pulling me along with him. Its not that I don't love him. Im just in over my head, and I prefer to have him in my life whether it be romantically or in the platonic sense. I can't bear to let him go completely as he has been my best friend, my confidant, everything that no one has ever been for me. So I resolve to stay in the relationship with weak knees and a teary eyes; things would probably be easier if I could somehow stop him from loving me and I the same. What should I say or do

You are going to have to listen to your heart! Take some time to think!

I think it is clear you need to get out of this relationship. It seems like it is ripping you apart. Love isn't always enough. It doesn't sound like you two are all that compatible. That is the point of dating, to find out. It isn't easy, but you just have to do what is best for you, regardless of your feelings. You can't just stay in a volatile situation just because you are scared to lose something.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ke-395631.html

I'm guessing it's the same boyfriend?

If it is, this relationship is extremely toxic and you need to get out. Otherwise you're just torturing yourself.

Long-term long distance, and inablilty to emulate the same level of intimacy?

My boyfriend and I were talking, and somehow the topic of my hair came up; first things first, I am african american and native american-usually I get confused with every race in existence besides white. Regardless, I do have nappyish/ more so curly hair. Usually right after I was it it is curly but, if I come it out its an afro. Anyway, my entire life I've been a little conscious about my hair as I grew up around latinos and caucasians with long hair either straight or curly or wavy. Only up until I began to befriend other black females such as myself did I feel comfortable about it and not so ashamed and embarrassed. Like most black females we been conditioned to think straight is the only way to go as it is most beautiful and what not. Well, Ive been watching Tyra and one of my best friends is black--she wears her hair all natural; she wears it well and people don't seem to think negatively about it. I want that freedom too. Washing, blow-drying, hot-combing and straightening all for it to sweat out in a few hours is tiring. Sometimes I want to braid it so I don't have to spend hours doing it. Recently Ive been thinking about just growing it out a few inches longer so I can wear it all natural, but my boyfriend says he prefers it straight and he likes it better that way. He is obviously not black so he doesn't understand the issue very well. It also upset me because it puts such a restraint on my hair versatility. He doesn't like when I braid my hair, but its like "dont you know" we braid it so it can grow instead of damaging it from daily endeavors. I feel like he only thinks I'm beautiful if my hair is straight and I don't like that. I want him to appreciate our cultural differences and not think I'm any less attractive than other women simply because my hair is not long and straight. What should I do? I don't want to perm, Ive had it before and it severely damaged my hair. Should I just wear wigs and weaves the entire time? I used to be comfortable with my hair around him, and now I definitely Im not. Any advice?

Tell him what you've told us, explain how much effort it is. Try to reach a compromise.

Let him know how much you have to do and go through just for a couple hours of straight hair, if he doesn't understand, or at least try to understand it seems like he is only looking skin deep.

I have red wavy hair,its sometimes coarse and needs at lot of condition.

But I love it.

Your friend wears her hair with confidence, that's what you need,a little bit of hair confidence... wearing it straight or something something different for a special occasion is nice, but the hassel of styling every day is time consuming.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, I bet he does not have to spend hours trying to sort out his hair!

Your head,your hair, if he wants a girl with long flowing locks tell him to call tyra banks,see how well he gets on!

I think you should do whatever makes YOU happy.
If you want to experiment with your hair I would. If it ends up being easier, then stick with it.
If he loves you, then he would love you even bald.

The photo below is "fuzzy" she is a musician and TV presenter in Australia...

She is really popular and to be honest... pretty darn cool... ;)
What makes her "her" is her hair!
Make your hair a part of your personality, show it off don't be embarrassed by it!

If he has a problem with that then that is his problem, not yours.

http://www.girl.com.au/img/fuzzy.jpg

I have really thick uncontrolable locks. By my choice, I had a short hair style for quite some time. I started to grow it out, and friends and family were not so used to the change at first, but again this was my choice. Lately, these same people have been giving me complements. See, I think people don't like change, or the unknown. Try it your way for a time, you may find that you look great with your natural hair. The best thing about hair is if you don't like it one way you can always change it.
Im sure your boyfriend wouldn't like it one bit if you told him that he had to grow, lets say, a handle bar mustash instead of his clean shave because that's what you prefer. Right?

I had a g/f once who told me if I was paying, she would wear her hair any way I wanted. I shut up after that.

Okay, so I understand that I should do whatever makes me happy, but I want him to still think Im attractive--the apple of his eye and what not. I know he would still "love me". Can I ask the men, what is your take on the situation? What would you do or say to your wife or significant other if they told you that they were going to cut there hair, color it, or alter it in any way. Would you tell them no, because you like the way they look presently, would you actually tell her you wouldn't like it, and it would be less attractive. I mean its not like I'm cutting it all off you know. I really can't help that my hair take so much time and effort to maintain in a straight style. I accidentally slipped up and said to him that the only thing that would enable me to be have a relationship with an african american man is the cultural ties, and the understanding. Since he's not black, I feel he doesn't understand. And it kills me because I can only complain to him saying "Oh my God, my hair is too much for me, I have other things to do!"

This isn't a cultural thing. It is a Male thing. Men through the ages have not understood what women go through to put their hair in some of the most ridiculous styles just because They like it. A lot of men don't know what they want. I have known men who swore they loved women with long hair. They dated only girls with short hair. Fix your hair the way you like it.

My hair is long and straight. Even when it was shorter it wouldn't hold a perm. My husband loves my hair, but IF I chose to cut it off and dye what's left yellow and orange (he might question my sanity), he would support my decision because I am the one who has to deal with it day in and day out. Yes, we have discussed it.

How many headaches do you get just from all that tugging, brushing, etc. Wouldn't he prefer more time with you than you spending that time with your hair?

Isn't this the guy you have been having problems with? I don't think hairstyles are the biggest problem in the relationship.

Hmm... I think you are overlooking the fact that I have to spend significant amounts of time to "straighten" my hair for his pleasure. The black men that I know really don't care all too much about whether his "black" or even any woman with nappy-ish thick almost unmanagebale hair--is STRAIGHT. As long as it looks presentable and nice. My dad is black and my mom fixes her hair in so many different styles that resemble african heritage and he never complains, or says anything about his hair or our hair. Actually, he always compliments it. I have some male friends that are african american and they think similarly. So I don't know, I think its both a cultural thing and a guy thing.

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Originally Posted by j_ely823

So i dont know, i think its both a cultural thing and a guy thing.

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I don't know if it's so much a guy thing as it's this particular guy's hangup. I'm AA and my hair is pretty versatile. I date all races and never had anyone make me feel uncomfortable about our differences. The white guys I've dated knew that I had to do certain things to my hair to make/keep it straight. They knew from the onset of the relationship that we're different but never made a big deal of it.

Sit down and talk to him and give him a chance to actually voice his feelings to you. It may not be so much that he likes your hair straight because he wants you to be something you're not but maybe if it was like that when you met, it's just something he's used to. Talk to him.

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Originally Posted by j_ely823

My dad is black and my mom fixes her hair in so many different styles that resemble african heritage and he never complains, or says anything about his hair or our hair. Actually, he always compliments it.

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How much time does your mother spend trying to get her Native American hair into hairstyles resembling your father's Black heritage? Of course he doesn't complain it isn't his hair. She is doing it for him, because she wants to or she likes the styles. What if she went for hair styles from her own culture?

It still comes down to it is your hair. He isn't the one torturing himself to style it.

I bet you have beautiful hair. Give him a chance to see it and get used to a new hairstyle.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

How much time does your mother spend trying to get her Native American hair into hairstyles resembling your father's Black heritage? Of course he doesn't complain it isn't his hair. She is doing it for him, because she wants to or she likes the styles. What if she went for hair styles from her own culture?

It still comes down to it is your hair. He isn't the one torturing himself to style it.

I bet you have beautiful hair. Give him a chance to see it and get used to a new hairstyle.

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I think there is a misunderstanding and I shall apologize for not being very detailed with my last post. My father is black and native, my mom is just black, for some reason I have more of the texture of native american hair as it is extremely soft and fine when straight. My sisters isn't even as soft and light as mine. I guess I absorbed the majority of the Native hair gene. Anyway, I think it may a have a little to do with what I looked like when we first met--but everyone who has common sense knows people do not look the same forever. Of course, I going to want to change it up every now and again, people just have to get used to change I think. I don't know if I want to "sit down" with him and discuss it; he doesn't like to talk about little things here and there that to him mean nothing. He just says stop or he will be like "I dont want to talk about it anymore" which is why I usually come on this site lol; or text a guy friend for immediate answers and opinions. I dated a white boy once and he wasn't so much concerned about the way I wore my hair. I was wearing braids and then I took them out he said it looked nice both way. I dated two black men and they always were very understanding of the situation. Whether it was nappy, curly, straight. And then the latino/portuguese guy I went out with for a few months didn't say much at all but I do remember he liked when my hair was curly with gel (in an afro style) and then he too liked when I straightened it. If I remember correctly, it actually "surprised him". He didn't know I could do so many things with it. I just want him to appreciate my hair and not be so judgemental about it. Im thinking Im just going to get straight-long haired weaves/wigs so I don't have to deal with my hair and so he can be aesthetically pleased.

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I just want him to appreciate my hair and not be so judgemental about it. Im thinking Im just going to get straight-long haired weaves/wigs so I don't have to deal with my hair and so he can be aesthetically pleased.

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I'm a bit concerned that your BF is so infexible that the only way he likes you is with straight hair. I'm also concerned about the importance your hair has as part of the relationship and that you feel you need to 'aesthetically' please him.

Something is not quite right here. If he didn't like the size of your breasts would you change them? If he didn't like the shape of your nose or mouth, because they were too African American would you have them altered?

Why the fixation on your hair? Why is it SO important for him to like it?

It is nice when our partners appreciate our physical appearance, but in the end it is not who we are. It is merely an expression of our personality and our personalities have many aspects.

Perhaps ask yourself why you feel the need to adjust this aspect of yourself to meet your BF's expectations. It sounds like you're trying a bit too hard to please him to me.

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My mom fixes her hair in so many different styles that resemble African heritage and he never complains, or says anything about his hair or our hair. Actually, he always compliments it.

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Your dad is a smart man, and most men are the same. We compliment our female partners and appreciate them.

I think your to fixated on please this guy, and I wonder how healthy that is.

I can say that jumping through hoops to be attractive toward him will only make you lose yourself, and yourself esteem, and that's where I think your headed now.

For sure if he doesn't like your hair, then he doesn't like you either, or himself.

Baby, your hair is beautiful no matter which way u wear it!

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

I

Why the fixation on your hair? Why is it SO important for him to like it?

It is nice when our partners appreciate our physical appearance, but in the end it is not who we are. It is merely an expression of our personality and our personalities have many aspects.

Perhaps ask yourself why you feel the need to adjust this aspect of yourself to meet your BF's expectations. It sounds like you're trying a bit too hard to please him to me.

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You know, I never really thought about it retrospectively. I guess just like any young woman who is in love, I want to please him, yet I don't want it to be at the expense of limiting my hair to just straight hairstyles. I want him so see me as the most beautiful no matter what but I guess it won't be like that. I am not sure. I braided my hair once and he told me he didn't like it. He never explains why either, so there's no room for discussion or compromise. Its like if I want him to think I'm sexiest that I will ever be it has to be straight. There so many more things I like to do to my hair, and that I did when I was single; no one ever complained to me or said it was ugly, so why am I feeling that from him. It doesn't make sense to me. I am insecure about the way I look for him because something happened in our relationship some months ago; perhaps I put so much of the blame on the fact that I wasn't physically attractive enough to him and what not... But enough about this, I want freedom with my hair! And I just want to be alluring to the eye regardless of what style I choose. By the way the way I would do my hair is not anything too out of the ordinary either. Pretty typical for girls in general, or even other black females. Its not ghetto, its not distasteful, etc.

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Originally Posted by j_ely823

You know, I never really thought about it retrospectively. I guess just like any young woman who is in love, I want to please him, yet I dont want it to be at the expense of limiting my hair to just straight hairstyles. I want him so see me as the most beautiful no matter what but I guess it wont be like that. I am not sure. I braided my hair once and he told me he didnt like it. He never explains why either, so theres no room for discussion or compromise. Its like if I want him to think im sexiest that I will ever be it has to be straight. There so many more things I like to do to my hair, and that I did when I was single; no one ever complained to me or said it was ugly, so why am i feeling that from him. It doesn't make sense to me. I am insecure about the way I look for him because something happened in our relationship some months ago; perhaps i put so much of the blame on the fact that I wasnt physically attractive enough to him and what not...But enough about this, I want freedom with my hair! And I just want to be alluring to the eye regardless of what style i choose. By the way the way I would do my hair is not anything too out of the ordinary either. Pretty typical for girls in general, or even other black females. Its not ghetto, its not distasteful, ect.

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Something about him is creating insecurity within you.

It wouldn't matter if you had a mowhawk or a beehive or dreadlocks - it's actually not about your hair, it's about you feeling that you lack confidence when you are with him because he is critical of your hairstyle.

As the other posters have said - it's your hair. Wear it however YOU wish. If he doesn't like it then that's his problem. Don't allow him to control how you look and how you feel about how you look (if you know what I mean).

You are you. Not an extension of his likes and dislikes. Take back your power.

My boyfriend has a say in my hair styles. When I can't make up my mind and feel like giving him a say. And even then I have the final say. He loves me for me, and if he wants to keep me around, he knows that his response to any hairstyle I decide on had better be "of course you still look beautiful!" he does not get to decide that my hair can't be a certain way because he doesn't like it. Wear your hair how you're comfortable with. If he doesn't like it and has the nerve to tell you not to style it a certain way just because, show him the door.

In a truly loving relationship, looks are not of the greatest importance. Love excepts all things. What if, God forbid, you had cancer, or had a car wreck? Could you really trust him to stay by your side despite your appearance? The way you look, or how you do your hair doesn't define you. You are not your hair. Is it you or him that needs to learn this.

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Originally Posted by j_ely823

You know, I never really thought about it retrospectively. I guess just like any young woman who is in love, I want to please him, yet I dont want it to be at the expense of limiting my hair to just straight hairstyles. I want him so see me as the most beautiful no matter what but I guess it wont be like that. I am not sure. I braided my hair once and he told me he didnt like it. He never explains why either, so theres no room for discussion or compromise. Its like if I want him to think im sexiest that I will ever be it has to be straight. There so many more things I like to do to my hair, and that I did when I was single; no one ever complained to me or said it was ugly, so why am i feeling that from him. It doesn't make sense to me. I am insecure about the way I look for him because something happened in our relationship some months ago; perhaps i put so much of the blame on the fact that I wasnt physically attractive enough to him and what not...But enough about this, I want freedom with my hair! And I just want to be alluring to the eye regardless of what style i choose. By the way the way I would do my hair is not anything too out of the ordinary either. Pretty typical for girls in general, or even other black females. Its not ghetto, its not distasteful, ect.

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A woman is most beautiful when SHE feels confident and good about who she is.If you are happy with you,that aura of inner beauty and peace will make you shine.
You have to like what you see when you look in the mirror,first and foremost.
Be you and be free to be you,anything else is just cheating yourself and the world!

OMG, this is probably the zillionth time Ive had to refer to this site. Not that it's a problem =) You guys always give really good advice. My boyfriend yet again, I was trusting him with certain things. He said he was doing what I expected of him so that I can regain comfort with his behaviors and such. He blew it. Either I think he's incredibly dense, or he's just a little boy with a penis. Im not sure which one, maybe it's a combination of both. Why do men/guys repeat the same mistakes, over and over and over again? I don't understand it. I am not perfect at all, I recognize it--but once I mess up I rectify the situation by apologizing and taking whatever necessary measures to ensure I will not make the same mistake again. Or, even better I just don't. Its as simple as that. How the hell am I supposed to trust him, when he keeps doing the $H!T that he says he won't do? What am I to do?

Calm down, and tell us about it, without chat/text of course.

Okay. Its regarding social networking sites. But can I ask you personally to you randomly add females that you don't know?

Has this relationship always required so much work?

Will you tell us what it is he keeps doing "wrong"?