Ask Me Help Desk - Hold on, move on, or both?

Grief is a funny thing. I mean peculiar, not ha ha funny. Its really very universal, I think. If you were to substitute my work for your ex in your first post, it will read EXACTLY the same for me. I left a career dozens of years in the making last November. It was my dream job and the roughest decision I have had to make in quite some time. Had it not been a matter of ethics, I would still be there. It could not be more complicated, misunderstood by others or controversial than if I quit being a nun and its compounded by how I am known all over the county, like it or not. So I am often pressed to explain this when I don't even want to talk about it. The first two months I hid in my house. Emotionally I am about where you are. I look better now but don't scratch the surface. Life alterating, deeply felt experiences take time to process. I won't be myself again for a year or better. You are absolutely right that it's a "two steps forward, one step back" process. Grief makes us fragile so go easy on yourself. Be vigilant for remenants of bitterness and eject those asap. And learn something valuable out of it, about you, about women, to help offset the pain. For someone who has sustained a great loss, you are fine and will be even finer too. So will I.

Hi. I made some previous posts before about my girlfriend leaving me for her ex. Very heartbreaking... if you are interested: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=1086228

I was at a party yesterday, and she was there too, with her current boyfriend. I didn't notice her until she tapped me on the shoulder and started talking to me. This is the first time we talked since new years eve, back then it was also 2 months of NC. I deleted her from my msn, if I go somewhere she might also be, I try to avoid her as much as possible.

So yesterday she starts talking to me (actually in the beginnning it was more screaming). She asked why I didn't reply at her email (in which she wanted to "clarify" things) and why I was avoiding her. She told me she had difficulties with the break up as well because I was a major part of her life and she still wanted to know how I was doing and what was going on with my life. She said she'd rather want me to tell her that I hate her, that that I ignored her. She said she wanted a chance to explain things. I confronted her about her lying etc. She just said that she was always honest to me and that the relationship she is in right now is completely independent from our break-up (which is a lie as well). During the whole conversation I "kept my cool", meaning that I acted somewhat indifferent and annoyed. Of course this was only an act and I bet she saw right through me. I just told her that I didn't really wanted her to "clarify" things. That in the beginning I was very much in pain by hat I had my share of the hurt and that right now I just wanted to forget about the whole thing. I said I wasn't angry or mad, that I didn't hate her, but that I didn't want to think about it anymore. I also told her that I loved her like a madman, and that these events got me feeling stabbed in the back.

To me it seemed like she was actually hurting too a little bit. Naturally, this conversation got the spinning wheel in my head turning again. I don't know what to think anymore. I was OK yesterday but now I'm feeling depressed all over again. When I looked in her eyes, it was like looking at the woman of my life, althoug I know that it can't be true.

There's no point in talking to one another if you can't be honest...

Give her examples of 'lying' - if you can't do that, then she wasn't lying! Admit what you really feel - you can't talk to her anymore because you love her too much to be friends. If she can tell you what you need to hear, then great. If not, she needs to go her own way and put you out of her mind.

Frankly I think it was her ego that was hurting. You've been doing a good job of staying away from her and not contacting her. She no longer has a grip on you and that drives her nuts. That shows her true colors. Continue to stay away from her. If she should happen to confront you again just tactfully but firmly remind her that it's over between you and you'd appreciate it if she didn't contact you any more. It'll probably drive her mad but that's her problem, not yours.

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Originally Posted by LBP

Give her examples of 'lying' - if you can't do that, then she wasn't lying!

I gave her an example but she just kept on denying it. Although when I saw her expression I knew that she felt guilty. I can understand the persistent denial though -you can't just lie to someone's face without blinking your eye, and then take it back 2 min later :)

Stay on your path and leave her alone, as neither of you has healed to the point of being healthy, but you are way ahead of her. Keep it like that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Stay on your path and leave her alone, as neither of you has healed to the point of being healthy, but you are way ahead of her. Keep it like that.

Hey tal, I have a question. Am I right in thinking that the only thing she has to heal from is her guilt of what she did to JDOP? As she cannot be healing from the pain of the breakup since she chose to do this and see someone else. I may be wrong there but unsure really. I mean, the main thing a dumper has to heal from in my opinion is guilt about how they hurt the other person.

By the way JDOP, I completely agree with tal, leave her alone which you have been doing and avoid any conversation. You are not responsible for helping her overcome her guilt.

Being honest Geoff, I think assuming what another is thinking about is really pushing it. The main thing is to be selfish and look after number one. We have a few here who are so not focused on their own healing because of what they think the ex is thinking. Seeing reality is important right now, so the speculation of what another is feeling can only lead to false hope and retard the healing process the way I see it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geoffersonairplane

Am I right in thinking that the only thing she has to heal from is her guilt of what she did to JDOP? As she cannot be healing from the pain of the breakup since she chose to do this and see someone else.

I think a big part of it is guilt. On the other had she also told me that she had thought about me a lot. That the NC wasn't easy for her as well because I was a big part of her life. She said she still was interested in me and what was going on in my life. I can imagine that that is true as she seemed very upset about the fact that I was "ignoring" her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Being honest Geoff, I think assuming what another is thinking about is really pushing it. The main thing is to be selfish and look after number one. We have a few here who are so not focused on their own healing because of what they think the ex is thinking. Seeing reality is important right now, so the speculation of what another is feeling can only lead to false hope and retard the healing process the way I see it.

Good point tal.. I too have been guilty of making assumptions in the past about how my ex was feeling/thinking. Sorry JDOP, don't mean to stir up that way of thinking and I do believe that tal speaks wise words with the advice of looking after number 1. For you though, I expect it is just a momentary loss of focus due to this incident at the party.