Well of course I went against what everyone advised, as I often do, and I broke NC with a short email just mentioning how I heard about the tsunami warning and that I hope she is OK. I got an immediate response and she said she was scared and that's why she called me. She also said she hopes me and my family are doing well.

Now, I'm just curious why she decided to call me when she was scared? She has tons of family and friends, and she calls me? Someone who she claims she hates and will never forgive? Someone who she hasn't spoken to in 2 months? I don't get it. She is obviously still thinking about me in some capacity, otherwise she wouldn't have called. You really can't spin this any other way, I'm sorry. It is obvious she still thinks about me and probably still does care, otherwise she wouldn't have called me looking for comfort. Of course, now I regret breaking NC and I'm upset again. Back to square one again. I should have listened to everyone else.

Seriously, I'll go bananas if someone says that her calling me because she was scared doesn't mean anything. It's obvious it does. I'm trying to move on and if I were in her situation, I wouldn't have called her because I was scared.

What's done is done,so don't beat yourself up about it.

Back to NC-and get busy.

Leave her to heal.

I will go back to NC, but its impossible not to wonder why she decided to call me if she was scared. She could have called her mom, her dad, her brother, her grandparents, anyone of her friends, instead she calls me, someone who she says she hates and wants out of her life, someone who she will never forgive. Even if she had no luck getting a hold of every family member or friend, it still wouldn't have made sense to call me considering her feelings towards me. It just doesn't add up and now it's got me upset all over again.

She is just trying to string you along while she makes up her mind.

It just sucks because it shows me that every thing is on her terms, when she wants to call, she'll call like its no big deal. When I want to talk to her, NO, that isn't possible, she says no.

She never called to see how me or my dad was, she only called because she wanted something. She wanted to be comforted and knew I had always been there for her.

Its called selfishness and I'm glad I see it. She's just plain selfish. Doesn't care that I'm trying to heal and thinks its no big deal to call me when SHE is scared and wants something.

Exactly. Think of all the times since your breakup that you have been miserable, anxious, or scared. Was she there for you? NO.

Its your reaction that has been at the heart of the advice we give about NC. It happens all the time as any contact triggers feelings of confusion, anger, and regret.

You start wondering everything and think it means something.

Stick to NC, and save yourself the misery and drama.

Well its been a month since I last posted and thought I would give an update. My emotions have been day to day, sometimes I feel happy and excited about life, other days the complete opposite.

I mentioned how NC was broken when she called me a month ago because she was scared. Well, last week, after a night of drinking with some friends, I was stupid and called her and left a message basically telling her I still love her and I hope she is doing well in Hawaii, and that I'll always love her, etc. Well yesterday I got an email response from her that said:

"Hey,

I got your message the other night. I know you were drunk, but I didn't want you to think that I didn't care enough to respond. I hope you are doing well as well. It is very sad for me to think about our relationship...it is why I moved to Hawaii to try and get over things and to forget how sad I was. I know you love me and I will always love you...but our relationship especially at the end really hurt me in ways that I can't even explain and changed me. I feel lost alot of the time and unsure of so much....I need to heal and I think that it would be best if you could try and not call me or email me and leave messages like that. I know you didn't mean too and that you were drunk, but it would be best for me to not hear things like that. Otherwise, I hope you are doing well and I would hope that we can eventually have normal conversations and be friends. Hope you have a Happy Easter. "

It was a heartfealt email and I know she still cares and that she doesn't really hate me like I thought, but she just needs to heal, the same way I do. I'm not going to make anymore mistakes and break NC like that. I don't know about the last part, I can't really imagine us ever being friends, so maybe that is wishful thinking on her part. The email made me pretty sad though. This is why you don't break NC. Back to NC I go.

Back you go-lesson learned.

Leave each other alone to heal.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by amicon

Back you go-lesson learned.

Leave each other alone to heal.

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That simple.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

This is why you don't break NC. Back to NC I go.

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Back to NC and healing. :)

Maybe now you can focus on the future.

Good luck.

Finally got through 18 pages of this saga! It appears you are doing well. We all have setbacks, it's the self control we have to work on.

Like I've said before to others. When you think about her, you have to learn to "turn the channel". Its not easy but every time I think of my ex I force myself to change the channel in my brain to something more pleasant. Its not easy at first but as you learn to control yourself, the remote becomes second nature and auto programed to go to another station when that one pops up

At least she was polite and honest about it.

Leave her be and get on with YOUR life. That's what's important now.

Best of luck! NC

After he email which I did not respond to... she called twice in the last week. The first time she left a message saying she was calling to see how I was doing and to call her back, the second time, her message was just music in the background. I don't understand, she says she needs to heal and asks me to not call her or leave her messages, then she turns right around and calls me twice in a week. What do I do? Call her back, email her, or do I just stick to NC and ignore it?

"just stick to NC and ignore it"

I guess that's what I will do then. Thanks!

She called and left a 3 minute sob message about how much she misses me. How she misses me more than anything. And how she hates how things turned out. She was crying the whole time. She said she will never love anyone as much as she loved me. The whole message was just her crying and saying she misses me. And she said she thinks about me every day and just feels broken all the time. Her message really made me sad. What do I do? Should I stay NC? I know that is what everyone says but I feel so bad for her because she sounded so upset and sad.

What if she is just trying to keep you as a friend until she has healed and you get caught up in all those hopeful feelings again? Yes she is upset, but would it be worth it to get back on the same merry go round and start chasing and begging again? Those are the things you should think about, because if she just wants you for an emotional tampon to ease her loneliness or boredom, like a girl friend, are you okay with that?

I think you reread your own post of a year yesterday, and find out where your at NOW, before you give in to curiosity, false hope, or tears.

Honestly, looking back on everything, I realize our relationship was toxic and there were a lot of red flags, even though there were numerous times when things were great. The bad outweighed the good though. I honestly got scared when I listened to this message because I thought it was a step towards her wanting to get back together. I don't know that I would. Part of me feels like I need to move on for good and find something better, but another part of me feels like maybe I am meant to be with her and if she would ever want to get back together at some point and I refuse, that I will regret. I struggle with the back and forth emotions every day.

But as time passes, I feel more and more confident that there is a stronger, deeper, healthier, and more mature love out there for me. And that my ex is my ex for a reason. It's been a year and I've barely moved on and that needs to change!

I think she is lonely. She moved all the way to Hawaii to essentially escape her problems and now may be having second thoughts about all of this. She is sending conflicting signals. She emails you and tells you that she doesn't want you to contact her anymore, then she leaves a sobbing message on your phone. You both need to stop. She is getting confused and you are getting confused.

You have to think about this rationally and look back at the past year of events to see how and why you got here. I can almost guarantee you will find the answers you are looking for yourself if you make an honest effort to reflect on the situation.

She needs to do the same. This situation did not develop over night. She chose to move away for a reason. The wedding was called off for a reason. You both made mistakes and now have to face the reality of a situation that most likely is beyond repair.

It's tough to truly move on and leave someone who you truly loved behind. It is a constant struggle that you have deal with ever day. My own situation is somewhat similar and I'm still battling those ghosts on a weekly basis... However, I also keep looking forward and know I have the strength and courage to move on and find someone who will fit me better. You need to find that strength and let the past be the past. It sucks, but it is the only way.

Remember, actions speak louder than words, and the only thing you are getting from her is whole bunch of words. Unless she specifically tells you she wants you back and wants to work this out, then she is just feeding your false hope.

I think you ignore the message and keep healing.

Whatever her reasons for calling were,you're better off moving forward with your own life.

Hi all. I just feel so broken and depressed now. It's been 6 months and just when I thought I was getting better, the same intense pain is back. After that sob message I called her back and left a message saying we needed to move on and messages like that weren't healthy. I didn't hear from her.

I thought dating might help me move in the right direction. I had a crush on this woman for a while and so I asked her out. She said yes, but ever since she's been flaky. I called her over the weekend and left her a message and asked her if she wanted to do something this weekend and I haven't heard back from her.

So naturally, I felt rejected and I started to miss my ex again. I called her last weekend and she said she'd call me back later. I spoke to her last night and I told her things similar to what she told me in her sob message. She got upset and said she is better now and that we should both move on and that things just didn't work out. She then told me she was seeing someone. That's what hurt the most. I've been crying all day.

I feel like such an idiot. I thought I was healing, I thought I was moving in the right direction. Now after 6 months of trying to heal, I feel like I'm back to square one. I feel so lost and hurt and broken. I miss my ex so much and I feel like I will never find someone like her or someone that I will love like her and someone who will be my best friend and who I can grow with.

My mind is going to the wrong places. I feel like I don't want to live anymore. I'm so sick of all this pain. Why is healing so hard?

Healing is hard when you keep contacting the source of your pain. It's like an addictive drug. When you quit, you need to do it for life. Even if you try it again, one time, you relapse. In this case you relapsed because you reached out and contacted her and became privy to more heartbreaking info. She used you as a spring board to get back on her feet again. You should have never replied to her message or called her last weekend. By doing so, you boosted her ego and shouldered her load of emotions. Some people call it being her emotional tampon... We all have times where we feel lonely and feel like we will never get to that level of love again. It just takes time to heal yourself and finding the right person to get to that level. Heck you got there once, how can you not get there ever again?

You need to totally cut her out. Find some friends to hang out with and have a good time. Don't worry about finding another girl right now, because chances are you will come off as being needy due to all of the loneliness you feel and they will flake out on you. It's summer. Time to go out and have fun and enjoy the nice weather.

I just moved into a house with two friends so I always have something to do, but my mind always goes back to her. I hate it. I'm so depressed and no longer have the desire to live. Why do I do this to myself?

Your coping skills need a lot of work my friend, because its what you are doing to yourself that makes the healing so much harder than it has to be.

Do it the right way, and I am sure you will get better results.

Stop trying to knock down a brick wall by running head first into it.

I just don't know what the "right" way is when I can't stop thinking about her and all the good moments we shared together.

Just re-read your post, the whole thing, and stop being so carried away by your feelings and think before you act or speak.

Don't just ignore what you have been told already when you are feeling bad.

I don't know exactly what re-reading this whole thread would do.

The problem is, I don't know how to reflect on the last 5+ years of my life without getting sad, since the last 5 years of my life were spent with this particular person. How can you turn off thinking about the past?

Re-reading this thread will show you all the advice you have been given, but chose to ignore, or forgotten.

You won't have time to think of the past, when you are excited, and focused on the future, as you build a life that you enjoy.

All of us have things in our past that make us sad, but we cope with the feelings by letting them pass, and not dwell on them as you are doing.

Coping skills.

I was feeling better when I was focused on the future... then when something didn't work out as I had hoped, I went right back to the past.

Yes, I will agree that its frustrating when a plan doesn't work, but going back to the past is NOT the solution, making a better plan is. One that keeps you moving forward, not back.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cristoforo

I was feeling better when I was focused on the future...then when something didn't work out as I had hoped, I went right back to the past.

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Part of looking forward and focusing on the future is to realize that there are multiple outcomes for every event. Just because one doesn't work out doesn't mean that another won't end up being better. It may not have been your first choice of actions, but it doesn't have to be your last one either.

I think you made a mistake by asking out someone you already have an interest in (aka: crush on). You had an emotional investment from the beginning. Try to get back into dating by going out with women you just met or that you just want to have a good time with. Leave the ones you want to get to know better or more intimately off the potential 'dates' list for right now. Work on being able to get through a movie or dinner without comparing your current date to a past one. Having to attempt to connect with a new person can help focus the mind on the here and now.

Take her off the pedestal you put her on. She isn't a trophy and doesn't deserve to be thought as one. She is no better than the next girl out there and you need to figure that out.

You were together for 4.5 years. I was together with my ex for 4. I decided to totally let go of everything about 7 months ago and we haven't been together since Aug 2008... so feelings like this can last for a while. Now that I think about it, I still think about her and wonder sometimes, but over time my brain has learned to block about 98% of the emotion out of those thoughts.

You see, once you love someone, you don't ever really stop. They could be the nastiest person in the world and still hold a place in your heart. You just learn to ways to deal with the emotions and not allow them to get to you as much. That's what you need to learn.

It's hard to take her off the pedestal when you fear you'll never find someone like that again. She had a look that made me feel so comfortable and close to her, the way I could interact with her was like no other, the way I could act around her I couldn't act around anyone else. The friendship I had with her was like no other. Everything about her, her smile, her laugh, her mannerisms that just made me love her, I feel I will never find that again and I will end up settling with someone who I don't feel as strongly about.

Give it more time. You'll see. Go out and have fun with your buddies.

I have suffered from depression for a long time. I was on medication for a few years, but I stopped taking it shortly after the final breakup. I think it would be good for me to start taking it again. I think it will help me to see things clearer. My mind is so clouded right now.

Yes! If you have a medical condition that needs medication, take it. I also suffer from depression. I stopped taking my medication until recently... I have no idea why I stopped. I feel a lot better since I started taking it again. Plus, exercise really helps too.

Was surprised to find an email from my ex this morning. It has been 5 months since we last spoke. That was the phone call I talked about earlier in this post. That happened June 1st. I never contacted her again and tried to move on, and unfortunately, I am still not entirely healed.

I get an email from her saying that she just wanted to say hi and see how I was doing. She said that she wanted me to know that she was moving back to Hawaii. She said she hoped my family and I are doing well and that she really wanted me to be happy and that she hoped I was.

What gives? Why did she send this email? What is her motive here? Why does she want me to know she is moving back to Hawaii? Do I just ignore the email? I haven't responded yet and I don't know if I really should.

Cristo, I think you already know what I am going to say, but I will say it anyway. If you keep No Contact and ignore her and her attempts at communications, you save yourself from a lot of confusion.

If you are getting on with your life, her motives don't matter. What are your motives in opening an email from her? What are you getting out of getting on the Tilt-a-Whirl of Confusion again? I would delete the email and call up a friend to hang out with or head to the gym for a good workout rather than step back on that carnival ride. Cleaning the bathroom sounds better than dwelling on that mess again.

Take care of yourself.