Unfortunately, this is a perfect and painful example of why NC is so important.
To not subject yourself to the personal hurt any longer.
So, you slipped. No big whoop. Just stay NC now and focused on the things that make you feel good, not bad.
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Unfortunately, this is a perfect and painful example of why NC is so important.
To not subject yourself to the personal hurt any longer.
So, you slipped. No big whoop. Just stay NC now and focused on the things that make you feel good, not bad.
I have my OK moments where I feel like I'll get over her and find someone eventually, and then I have moments where the only thing I can think of is how much I miss her. I don't know if that's anything like what you feel? Hopefully, as we heal, we'll have more of those OK moments and fewer of the bad ones.Quote:
Originally Posted by sadnlostedddd
Exactly, I did & you will too.
You have to work at it, no easy answers here. Whatever works for you.
One thing I said to myself after a while is "why am I spending time on someone that doesnt want me?"
She moved on & with someone else like you said.
You are living in the past by even missing her.
What's ironic is that we think our ex is feeling the same. Hurt, pain, regret, whatever. But that is the farthest thing from the truth.
Obviously, they didn't feel the same. Ya know??
Yep no contact -no Facebook. I just got reminded of that myself today. A mutual friend of my ex and mine's father passed away and I was on my friends Facebook page sending him a message, saw my ex's photo, so clicked on it (stupid me) and found out his new girlfriend is taking him to an eagles game this weekend - which is the same christmast present I bougt for him last year :( ugh. But - all is not lost - I have moved on quite a bit and just know that there's other guys out there - it reconfirmed why I should never click on his name again though!
I guess it's been a little while since the whole FB incident, but I want to thank everyone for the words of encouragement that I've received since I've been here. I think the trick for me to start healing was really letting go and not hoping for her to come back, its amazing how much REAL no contact helps. I've remembered why we broke up to begin with and I remember how it felt being with her and how unhappy I was during the last few weeks of our relationship. Next semester I'm working a Co-op and going to continue to keep my grades up, I also asked me parents for a keyboard for Christmas I'm going to start teaching myself how to play.
But I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm def. on my way and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks everyone!
:-}
Nice for you! Keep it up!
Great news and all the best.
Happy holidays!
Yup, you got it it right.
Continue to have fun. And you will soon wake up feeling stoked.
Take your time.
Realizing that it was over was a turning point for me as well (although I have to remind myself of it every day). Thinking about the very end seems like a good trick, I'll keep that in mind myself. Great to see that you're doing better. Good luck with the keyboard :)Quote:
Originally Posted by sadnlostedddd
I guess an update, I hope everyone had a great holiday, I def. did, enjoyed it with my family. Just want to keep writing up here every time something interesting happens so I can keep looking at my progress. I just saw 1 of our mutual friends put up pictures of her with the ex and a group and her new dude with was her, it's weird, the first maybe 10 seconds I got that sick feeling, my heart started beating fast, and then it went away, usually it consumes my thoughts and I won't be able to do anything for hours, but now, it just kind of popped up and then went away. I don't really look at her as my girlfriend anymore, or a girl that I want to get with, she's just a girl that makes my heart skip a beat when I see her, and then I'm good.
I'm taking this girl that I used to work with out to lunch tomorrow, not as a date just to catch up, hopefully being around another girl will give me an extra push in the right direction.
Nice for you! Hope you do get even better.
If you have any female peers in your family, they can help too. Especially if they understand where you're coming from. Men in your family will generally have just as much trouble teaching you how to deal with your emotions as you do in dealing with them in person. So, yeah, women in your family or close female friends may be able to give you better perspective when you need it.
Signs of improvement, great to see that you're healing. Keep going strong.
I guess seeing those pics has had a bigger effect on me than I thought because I've been pretty miserable the past couple of days... it's strange because whenever I get upset, I can't imagine not caring, but whenever I feel better I can't imagine letting it bug me. It's hard trying not to show my emotions around my family, because I don't want my parents to think they raised a weak child, my brother and sister have told me that I need to suck it up and let go, but even still 4 months later, I still need someone to talk to whenver I feel bad... my goal was to be completely over this before school started, I can't let this crap mess up my next semester, I think my best bet would be to go rebound, I think it will provide me with some emotional stability... maybe? I don't know, but it seems like 4 months, I should have moved on, the same thoughts and memories pop into my head, but they have a much bigger effect of me when I'm feeling like this... idk, sorry I know I'm probably pissing people off by now with my story :-)
Just venting I guess
Your in the right place to talk or vent, as many of us can relate to what your saying.
Its not uncommon for people, places, and things, to trigger our emotions, and stir feelings up in us.
That's simply human, and no one can say how long they need to overcome the obstacles we face, so don't be so hard on yourself.
Be patient, and focus on the enjoyment of doing your own thing, and stay away from using others to make yourself feel better.
That's not fair to your victim, and it causes more problems, than it solves. Keep working, you'll get there.
It takes everyone a different amount of time to get other people that were important to them. I went out with one guy for 3 years - we broke up and I wasn't phased at all - went out with one guy for 6 months and was messed up for like 6 months and still have days once in a while where I miss him.
Best thing to do is take your time - don't use someone else to get over her - you will hurt that person's feelings, and might not even make yourself feel any better. You need to focus on you and doing things that are healthy and mke you feel better. Don't give yourself a time limit for feeling better because once that dates gets closer you could get more antsy and not better.
Everything takes time - it sucks we all know - but it's a new year, so focus on doing new things with new people:)
Vent all you want, no problem.
Going for a rebound sounds like a temporary solution at best though, and it's pretty dishonest and disrespectful towards the new girl. To me at least, that sounds like a bad idea.
Remember that looking at her picture is like setting the whole NC back to 0. With full NC it should take you less time.
But I'm not friends with her on fb or anything, like I didn't think it bothered me when I saw it but I guess subconciously it did because this was my 3rd night in a row where I didn't really sleep that well because of it. And the fact that she's moving back means I'm going to see her all the time now, so it's like whenever I see her, I'm screwed and I'll go back to square 1? :-/Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
No that gets easier with time.
The first time's bound to be a bit of a setback but you'll get used to it.
Your so worried about seeing her that you are not thinking of doing your thing and having fun. Have fun, and it will get better.
I live in a small area - and used to run into my ex all the time. I got to say it was hard at first. Then I learned to avoid places where he might be - at least for a few months until I thought I could handle it. It certainly takes a while. I still avoid him if possible, but we did have dinner the other day with a group of friends. It was surprisingly not too awkward. But that night I couldn't sleep because I missed him.
Don't worry about seeing her - if you do you do - and you will be past it. Keep having fun If it starts to get to you, just start going to some different places. You don't have to avoid her forever, but untl you don't care what she is doing, its probably easier.
This is the first period that I've had trouble sleeping, just dreams over and over again, it's pretty depressing. I've stayed in my room, watching movies and messing around with my keyboard for the past couple of days.
It seems that every setback I have is ten times worse than the last, I even for a microsecond almost sort of thought about what would happen if I killed myself
I'm not going to, no def. not. I would never hurt my family like that, yet the pain I'm going through that keeps coming back is ridiculous. I don't know what I've done to deserve this. Whatever lesson I was supposed to learn, I've humbled myself, I learned what went wrong in our relationship, I've learned not to take people for granted, I've learned that I'm not always right. But I don't understand why this pain has to be so extreme.
I'm going to go play poker with my friends in a few, if that doesn't help me feel better, I think I might have to break NC. I found an email from her she sent me while we were dating, it said
"I love you thats all I'll ever need- ever- if you could just promise me that you'll love me forever and ever, I'll be yours for all eternity."
I think I may forward that to her, maybe it'll hit a nerve, IDK
Wish me luck in my poker game though.
God Bless
A. PLEASE stay safe, and don't do anything to hurt yourself (or your loved ones). There is no person out there that is worth giving up your own life for! Believe me it hurts - but in time it becomes less and you will no doubt meet someone new.
B. The only way to meet someone new is to GET OUT OF YOUR BEDROOM! Dwelling on something over and over again rather than getting out and being around your friends is making it so much worse! If you start to feel bad - get out - go to the gym -go for a walk - a drive - call up some friends. DO NOT sit in your room for days!
C. DO NOT SEND HER THE EMAIL. She is passed it all - sending the email will only make it hurt more! She will either not respond which will hurt your feelings - or respond in a negative way that will hurt your feelings. Don't send her that email or any other emails. Go cold turkey - do not talk to her - make it your new years resolution. If you can go a month totally NC (including Facebook, and your friends updates on her) reward yourself with a new video game or a drinking fest with your friends.
Sending the email is going to make it seem like you are still dwelling on her, and she is going to know she can have you back at the drop of a hat, but she'll keep doing whatever she's doing. It's not going to have the effect you think it will.
D. Go play poker! Have fun! Keep going out - it's the only way to meet new people - and get your mind off everything. The holidays are always bad - but it's a new year - and time for a new YOU!
Take Care Hun!
Thanks a lot bella, I just got back in from hanging out with my friends, it did help some, they joked about how much weight I've lost though (not a good thing, I went from probably 6'3 180 to about 160ish) cause of the whole broke up, a similar situation just recently happened to 1 of the guys I was hanging with, dated a girl for about 3 years, she dumped him, dating a new guy a week later, and we didn't really talk about it but he did tell me that he was pretty screwed up when it happened, I coulndt tell if he was over it or not, I don't know... also a lot of me and the exes mutual friends didn't even know we broke up, haven't seen them since the summer, and when I told a couple of them tonight when they asked about her, they were like speechless, they didn't think we'd ever break up.
But yeah anyway, I do feel a little better after being out tonight, I'm going to go play some basketball with them again tomorrow afternoon so hopefully that will help too. So yeah I guess sitting in and dwelling does make it worse. This past morning I was rolling around in my bed, sounding like a sick puppy :-/
The last email I sent her, I mean I twas a little while ago, but it had an effect on her, initially she responded telling me she wanted to get back with me but she wasn't ready to be with me because we were so serious, she also noted that every time I contacted her, it just made it more and more painful for her and that I was being selfish for hurting her like that... so yeaaa after just typing that last sentence I guess I won't send her the email because it won't do ne good... I just wish I could figure out how she changed her feelings, so complete 180, but I guess I won't find out because it doesn't matter... but yeah anyway, I feel a little better now, I'm going to go catch some TV n then hit the sack, hopefully no dreams about her, still can't imagine a better girl though, you know the little things that she did for me and we share are kind of what's getting to me the most.Quote:
Originally Posted by bella99
Oh well
Ill probably be back to vent some more tomorrow.
Buenas noches
Have a good sleep-its half eight in the morning here-keep doing things with your friends-wish I had mates who play poker-love the game-and know that you will get over this.
Be good to yourself.
How often do you think about killing yourself? I'll be honest, there have been times when I've been so desperate and hurting that I just wanted it to stop, and I've had the same thoughts. It's one thing to have the idea pop into your head as kind of a sidenote that you dismiss ten seconds later though, but if you think about it a lot and start planning on how to do it, then it's time to seek help.
Bella is right, getting out and doing something is key, ideally with someone else. Stay active, stay social.
My mind is still wondering how my ex was able to do a 180 on me - I guess that's the mystery - if we knew how that happened we think maybe we wouldn't hurt so much - but you know - maybe we would hurt even more if we knew the truth. So leave it the way it is.
You don't want to try to convince someone to go out with you that doesn't want to be with you 100% or whom can't make up her mind. IF you got her back - you don't know that she wouldn't be chatting up some other guy, saying she wanted to be with him but didn't know when.
When you find a person that wants to be with you 100% - it feeels so much better and there is so much less anxiety than going out with the 80% because you know they have no doubts about you, and they are willing to be there for you.
Hang in there - have fun playing basket ball! I have to go to work :( Win ay money playing poker?
Had to spread the rep Bella, but your right about maybe sometimes there are things you don't want to know about exes, as its confusing enough just to wrap your head around the idea that their feelings have changed. That's confusing enough to understand, so when you throw all the reasons they have in the mix, its quite mind boggling.
I doubt that its just one fixable (you think) thing though, but a bunch of stuff over time.
Honestly it wasn't until I had my own feelings change about a partner, that I started to understand how feelings can change, and sometimes you may not be aware of it right away.
We live, and learn.
Strange, yesterday would have been on 3yearanniv. I didn't send her an email, but she did email me, telling me basically that she doesn't want my feelings for her to keep me from living my life, and that she cares about me, but in a different way now... I didn't really effect me, but maybe gave me some hope. If her feelings can change, than maybe mine can too. But I don't understand how they can change so quickly, a month or so ago, she was telling me that she was crying telling me that she really wanted to be with me, and now she's saying she doesn't have any feelings for me anymore. I guess everyone is different, but I'm guessing her 'rebound' is what made it easy for her to move on. Everyone up here says that it hinders my personal development and that it's wrong to do that to another person... I'll be the first to admit that I still have strong feelings for my ex, I really really miss her, so I'd def. be carrying baggage into my next relationship, but if she can move on with a rebound, why can't I? Like I realize the best way to move on is to just take some time for myself, but the number one reason why I don't want to do that, is because, I've got so much going on next semester, I can't afford to have something pop into my head about her before an exam or while I'm studying and ruin my train of thought, that happened a few times last semester and it really sucked.
One thing I don't like the idea of is dating a bunch of girls throughout my twenties, and then marrying the one that I happen to be with when I'm ready to settle down. It seems like that is becoming more and more commonplace, I know people who get married without knowing each other for more than a year, that's probably why I'm having such a hard time getting over her, because I honestly didn't have any doubt that I was going to marry her.
It's a weird feeling knowing that all of those feelings she had for me are dead, like before I figured we probably wouldn't get back together, but I at least thought she still had SOME feelings for me, I mean she told me she did.
I don't know what to do though, like I can't imagine not having feelings for her, and that's exactly what I want, to not have any romantic feelings for her, but I feel like I'm going to have to deal with it my entire life, I'm pretty scared that maybe 10 years from now, I'll still be in love with her, and that I'll have to settle for second best in whoever I end up with. Can anyone relate?
Any thoughts about my new take on the rebound theory?
I think you should stop trying to map out such a bleak future for yourself-first things first and now you've got a new semester ahead of you-that's where your concentration should,and will go,and I think you'll find that once you get into those routines you 'll feel a lot more contented.
As for rebounds,it is not fair on the other person,and most rebounds,for one reason or another,end up messy.
My fiancé and I were together less than a year before I proposed, but we have had a long engagement which will result in the wedding this June. Sometimes you meet people and you just click, I was always one who placed time tables on things, until this relationship, it just works with us. We gel really well together.
Stop looking for someone else to fix you, fix yourself by yourself. Stop worrying about if you will meet someone else. I have met all of my relationships when I wasn't looking for anything
Right now I don't have time for that though. I've got so much on my plate next semester, 1 thought about her or anything and my focus is gone. I need to get over this asap and move on with my life. Her rebound is working out perfectly fine and now she's over me, it took like 2 and a half months, happy for her. I'm still pissed off about the whole situation, but if she can do it, and her rebound can work for her, why can't it work for me? Maybe, like hers, it will turn into something more meaningful.Quote:
Originally Posted by Romefalls19
Your life is not defined by what goes on in her life. Your life is yours-free of the complications if you so choose.
Don't go down the road of the what ifs and the maybes.
Hang in there... Believe me, you will get over this. I had your same thoughts 3 times in my life. I'm still living and enjoying life. I know I will find a great girl soon. You will have different memories with a different girl and you will love those just as much if not more. You will realize new things. Your mind is limited because you are young and you don't know much. I mean that in a good way. Trust me, I know you will be fine. If you got a girl like her, you can find better. Duh. I have hope in you. Stay positive and try to stay strong. Working out is a good idea. You will be fine!
It seems to me like you are in the mind set that she is the ONLY person for you in this world. Each time I have had my heart broken, a few months or years later a new guy who is even better than the last, so I know there is more than one right person out there for each of us.
Now, I'm not condoning a rebound - I was the victim of one and it hurt me a lot. Why not just focus on having fun in YOUR life. If someone comes along that you show a bit of interest in, hang out with them, if something happens it does - you don't have to make it a relationship, but make sure they know where you are going with this up front. You don't have to have a rebound - why not just focus on making new friends and meeting new people.
September is when I really started to turn around (after being broken up with in April). Things started to turn around because school started again and I focused on that. Also my ex started datng someone in August so I cut off all contact with him, and decided he shouldn't be the only person who is happy - why am I suffering while he is having fun? He didn't know nor did he care that I was suffering so I was only hurting myself. So, I decided to have fun for me - not worry about what he was doing, if he would care, or any of that.
I made a new years resolution to refrain from contacting my exes unless I randomly run into them or something. Yea I still am hurt once in a while by the thoughts of how change affects our lives, but I am so so so much better once I stopped comparing the fun I was having to the life of my ex.
Out of site out of mind - hang out with new people - throw yourself into your school work - make new friends in your new classes - try new things. Really that's the key to this.
It's been like a week since I last posted, Idk it's weird how quickly my feelings change, this time last week I was pretty pathetic, but right now I feel like I'm not top of the world. Every time I have this feeling something will set me back, like seeing a pic of her, or looking on her fb or something. That's not happening again I cut off ALL contact, deleted all of her friends, got rid of every single thing that reminded me of her, trashed it all. I don't want to be bitter about the situation but I am still pretty angry about what she did to me. I think I'm going to funnel that energy into working out and using it as motivation to blow her away when she moves back, just to be like "this is what you lost"
Also, I don't think I'm going to go the rebound route, mostly cause I don't want to be tied down. When I got back to school I was talking to a bunch of different girls and it made me feel more confident about the situation, and made me think back to way back in the 9th grade, before I even met the ex, and how happy I was back then.
Hopefully there won't be another set back.
Keep doing things for YOU not for her-what she thinks or feels doesn't matter anymore.
Things could not be better, I love my new job, school is going well, the whole mass gain is in full swing. Thanks everyone for all of the tough love.
Confidence is the biggest thing that has helped me move on, I'm 120% sure that I'm the best that she will ever have, at the same time, I want her to be happy, so I hope she finds someone who is a close second.
Still not ready to start something new, I have been "talking" to a few girls since I've been back but I don't think anything is going anywhere, just trying have some fun and meet new people.
But yeah, I'll provide any updates if anything new and interesting happens in my life, but never going back to where I was
Hey-great news!
Keep going and stay happy.
Good luck!
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