I cannot agree anymore!Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
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I cannot agree anymore!Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
A guy who doesn't appreciate what he has, doesn't deserve to keep it.
The other side of the coin is will he change his behavior enough to be a good partner in the future?? Until he does, if he does you'll never know, nor should you care any more. He had his chance and blew it, but the good news is, you didn't put up with his bad behavior. That's important for you to know NOW!Quote:
Here is where I am struggling with. I taught him a hard lesson. So, another woman will take the benefit from it when she enters in his life. Right? How can I justify that?? Please help. Am I sad to give him a lesson? That's it??
I know your hurting, and emotional, but time will make you see that getting rid of him, and standing your ground will make you a better partner for a deserving, and appreciative real man.
Hi Rebecca,
I know how upsetting it is to see him like that. But he will get better on his own.To be brutally frank, if you took him back, he would see that as him having got away with what he was doing and it being sort of okay.
If you don't take him back, he MIGHT learn a lesson from it and be more faithful with some future woman, but not with you. (And he still might not learn his lesson.) That seems unfair, but reality isn't always fair.
With future women, I think he'll be more careful, hiding things carefully, but his entitlement is so strong that I doubt he'll ever be truly faithful. Just my opinion. No. None of us can truly know what he'll do. But do you want to gamble your happiness on a man who has shown such indifference to you? He did not cherish you or treat you with respect.
It wasn't just what he did (whatever that was), but how he handled it when you found out. His attitude and cruelty were disgraceful. You did the right thing.
And I want to emphasize finally that even though NOW he is saying he just went on some harmless dates, you don't know what he was doing. Why would he admit anything more than he already had?
I agree with you. That's why I broke off immediately and never talked to him again for the past 2 weeks.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
This is a sad part. It seems he is desperate, had hard time, and learned the lessons enough. But I am not a god, and I do not know how deeply he has been changed, or how he will behave in future. If I forgive & marry him as he suggested, he may stay as faithful (I wish), but he may will cheat on my back again (that holds me off from back to him).Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I agree with you he had his chance, and blew it for stupid attampt.
However, my goal is not blowing him off to protect my ego. I want to land on a successful relationship and marriage. I still love him, he spent so much time and effort to have me (but failed recently), and gave me the promise ring in the cruise. He still wears the promise ring.. Our family is already interacting very well, and the gound was all set for marriage. He was so sweet and gentle when he were together. I was so proud of him.
I will be very resentful if I changed him already, but does not take him back, and he will land on another woman for my cost as rebound…
You are so kind. I hope so. I manage myself very well, have been faithful and loyal. I deserve the best man not the second one. But is this man already changed, I do no mind to keep him… I am in deep dilemma…Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Rebecca, if you take him back, he will only learn that you will give in to what he wants. It may take time but that you would 'forgive' him every time he wanted to play.
The extremely hard lesson you are teaching him is that NO REAL WOMAN will put up with the games he wants to play.
You are a real woman. He couldn't handle that so he tried to make you into his doll that he could take down and play with when he chose that no other person could get close to. He tried remaking the real you into someone who would let him have his fun as long as he made a very empty promise that he would stop after the wedding. People who think that way don't change after the wedding. They are the ones caught with a guest or waitress/waiter in some dark corner going at it like rabbits. From what I understand it makes for a very interesting wedding reception.
IF you ever think of taking him back remember that he ultimately did not want you but what he could make you into.
Don't let your heart rule your head. If this had happened to one of your friends what would your advice be to them?
How could you ever truly trust this man again? A mature decent person who loves their partner does NOT go behind their back-thats the action of a coward -a player who wants to eat his cake and keep it.
Sorry if Im harsh but that's my take on his behaviour.
Everything you said is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
I am heart broekn, because there is no way to go back! It hurts me like hell...
I am crying again... and again...
And its very much OK to cry its healthy and it s what you need to do when your heart gets broken.
Are you still at your good friend's house?
amicon,Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
I am still at her house, but am planningto go back to my place tonight. Thanks...
I know it hurts and emotionally the desire to make the pain go away is to think that he is the only one. Sadly, if you did give into those thoughts, you would be back here in a matter of days or weeks wondering why you took him back because either he started his dating service again or you are afraid he did. That pain would eclipse what you feel right now.Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedrebecca
Laughter is great medicine, but Time is the healer. Would it surprise you to realize it hasn't even been a month since you joined us? It has been even less time since you rejoined the world by going first to your friend's and then back to work. This is all still extremely new.
Friday was a shock to you on several levels. It was a set-back. Those are to be expected. You can't expect all of the feelings to be gone overnight. What matters is that you move forward. Don't be upset about the tears. They are a symptom of a conflict of emotions. Try to ignore them and distract yourself with something that helps you feel happier or keeps you too busy for tears. As you get yourself on more stable footing, emotionally speaking, they will disappear.
Dear Cat1864,
I am so amazed by every single word you are giving to me.
How do you know all the details precisely?
I am just amazed I am getting this wonderful help from you...
You even do not know how much I am thankful to you...
So, my mind is tricking me to negotiate with this pain, stop this struggle, and settle down with the old & comfortable world to be comfortable... So, I am getting false illusion he is the one... It could be trued, but as you know it is so hard process of breaking off from 100% love to 0% in days of matters... He was my future husband, and I am making him the worst enemy in my life... Hating is really difficult to me... I do not know how people can hate others...Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
It is absolutely wake up calls. You are predicting if I forgive him, he will break my heart again... I cannot afford this pain again. My mental & emotional resources are totally drained and ruined...Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
Yes, it has been 2 weeks and 4 days since I found his online cheating... I am so afraid how long I have to be in this level of pain... I am so afraid...Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
Yes, I felt that he would show up one day, but it was totally shock to me. Yes, it was set back to me big time since he presented himself as so humble and flat. I am caught between head and heart, love and hate, hope and despair, and my mind is running to 2 different directions every 5 minutes... I just cry for the pain to see the most precious thing I had, which has gone for nothing and absolutely stupid in my eyes...Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
The more I think I SHOULD NOT forgive him, the more tears are rolling on my face... It feels so empty and helpless... I did not deserve this pain...
I think the worst curse is being in a realtionhsip with a cheater...
Rebecca,
You are doing great yourself and it's more than OK to feel this way. When I knew that my ex cheated on me, I almost went blank. The rage and pain was immense. I remember now that I was so much in shock, I wasn't aware of my environment for days.
The thing is Rebecca, they have wronged us. We have nothing to blame ourselves, on the contrary. Cheating is something they will need to live with for the rest of their lives. You should be more than happy that he is out of your life, and as time goes on you will feel better.
My ex cheated only once with me, but she cheated before that with other boyfriends, numerous times. So like I was saying, once a cheater, always a cheater. She is also going to cheat with her current boyfriend most probably. She said she would wait for me and she wanted to go out with me. When I came back, she bluntly said that she didn't want anything to do with me. By that time I was done with her myself and was more than happy.
Something else also, my ex tried to control me by showing how "sad" she was and always crying when she was with me. She would beg me to give her time, all that while she was crying. She was pitiful and she was the one who broke up with me. She would still continue going with that other man, while she was telling me she wanted time to know what she wanted.
Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
Paxe,
I keep everything you said in my mind. You are so kind to help me out in difficult time.
I like to thank you for giving me the priceless advice you learned from your painful experience... We are learning the hard lessons about cheaters...
Even though I have not given any piece of slim chance to my ex, my mind is tricking me "what if my ex is the exception, who will never do it again... nobody is perfect...
we all deserve the second chance...etc"... when I am getting weak & sad.
Right now, I am so exhausted, and do not feel anything anymore around me.
I know exactly what you are saying.
It sounds weird, but when you confirm " once a cheater, always a cheater..." ,
I feel relieved and feel better for my decision...
I will also keep it in my mind that your ex was pitiful she cheated and broke off. What a cheap melo drama... I should not be caught by the self pity drama and ruin my precious life... Thanks again.
I hope I will recover full, and have my happy life again.
Rebecca it's the school of hard knocks-but there are many decent men out there.
Hey rebecca,
I really don't want you to get starting giving yourself some hope. Yes it's a dark path and yes it's extremely painful but there is light in the end of the tunnel.
I only stumbled in this forum 2 month after my ex broke out with me and I had so much pain during those 2 months. I hope I passed through this intense pain so that I can teach other people what to do and what not to do.
It's more than normal to feel down and to feel sad because you saw him weak, but he is just showing you this. Your brain knows that you are doing is right and you need to stick to that. Like seriously, if you stayed with him and you kids asked you, "did dad ever cheated on you?" what are you going to answer?
Or the problem with cheaters they are compulsive liars, they lied to cheat, they lied about cheating and they lied to you about not cheating anymore.
It ain't easy but we're doing the right thing and taking the right path, and it is these kinds of fault we will never do, not to hurt the other person, but to stay moral and ethical persons.
Two unexpected visitors at one night
Last night, my doorman Dexter called me and I had a visitor around 7 pm. My visitor was David (not real name), the best friend of my ex, and my ex went to college with. I went to downstairs, and sat down with David at Starbucks coffee shop. Basically, David was a SOS messenger, my ex sent, and he did his best to convince me I should give my ex a second chance. He was keep saying that my ex was in critical mental stage he never seen before, I even do not know how my ex was regretful, and how much my ex loves me, and how hard it will hit my ex if I completely leave him for the online fling etc. He emphasized that my ex wanted to marry me right now if I agree. (I am not sure at this moment, if it is his opinion or my ex's message. ) I am glad my ex has a good friend at least.
I basically told David,
"The relationship is broken when he cheated on me. You do not know how much emotion he invested to other girls online when he flirted. He met multiple girls in person. That was officially date he arranged by himself. There is anything left in my relationship any more because the trust is gone even before we married, and we should not marry. We are done."
David was keep insisting my ex's online dating was insignificant.
"Were you there when he date the girls each time? How do you know what exactly happened? Will you do it to your wife?"
He was speechless. He looked at me with sad face, gave me a hug, and told me I can call him or his wife for any help in future. He told me I should take care of myself, because I look bad as much as my ex.
"What a tragedy..." He told me and shook his head and left. David invited me and my ex for a party at his new house while ago, and it would happen in a week. But David did not mention it anymore. I realized that I am not belong to the party or my ex, or my ex's social group any more... The chapter was closed... Sigh...
Around 8 pm, Dexter called me I had another unexpected visitor. He was my coworker, Will (not real name), he asked me a date before, and I refused since I was in relationship. I went downstairs, and had a small chat with him. He brought me a brown bag full of various healthy soups "just for in case if I forgot to eat". He told me he heard my breakup, and he wanted to help me for anything, and he has good ears and shoulder to lean on. He also emphasized that he knows all the good foods for soul and body, and even more he is very good at food delivery.
"You know, I had a part time job at pizza place for a summer when I was in high school."
I had to laugh. Will is very high rank lawyer in company, and he did not have to make himself so humble to comfort me. I politely accepted the soups, and chat for minutes, and let him go. He told me my best friend gave him my address. I should talk to her when she comes back from her business trip...
Of course, Dexter watched our whole conversation between me and Will with curiosity while he pretend not watching it. What a night...
Paxe,Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
I am with you. I never cheated anyone in my life once I am with the person in relationship. I do not separate my body and soul. When I am with someone, I am with him all the time whether he is with me or not in the given moment... It is not because I am the perfect person, but because I hate to lie to only degrade myself. It is not just worth it. Because even though nobody find it out, I will know what I did for the rest of my life. I do not accept myself to go so low. It is disgusting. Right?
Rebecca,
I am impressed with your resolve in the face of all that (inappropriate) pressure from David. You are very strong! I find it offensive that David and your ex are dangling the "carrot" that he'll marry you if you come back, as if that is what you have been holding out for. Why would you want to marry someone who is so not in love that he is actively and secretly looking for other women during the period when most people are most likely to be faithful?
I bet you do not look terrible and he was saying that partly to undermine yourself confidence and make you feel like the "solution" was to go back to your ex. Very manipulative. Don't listen!
You are well rid of David and I loved that you asked him if he would do that to his wife and that he couldn't answer. There is a rich vein of entitlement in these two guys that you don't need to explore.
As for Will, I hope the attention cheered you up a little after the unpleasant encounter with David.
Take care!
Asking
I wonder what David's wife thinks of the situation and if David might have some bridges of his own to mend.
It sounds like Will is good for the self-esteem. I don't suggest getting into a new relationship any time soon. However, I think Will just showed you that there are men out there who can be caring.
I was thinking the same! He seems pretty invested in this situation. My other thought was that he was the one who encouraged the ex to do this extracurricular dating, so he feels responsible for the horrible result. But that's pure speculation. Bottom line, it's not about David and the ex is a big boy and responsible for his own actions.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
Asking,Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
Thanks for your strong support. We are in the same boat! It makes me keep going straight.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
I agree with you 100%.
Asking,Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
I could avoid the insane pressure because I LEARN EVERYDAY HERE HOW MUCH I WAS CONTROLLED BY EX! I now know how wrong it was!
I was just stupid to hold up everything in side of me, and allow myself to be controlled by the cheater FOR THE MARRIAGE! As you said "Why would you want to marry someone who is so not in love that he is actively and secretly looking for other women during the period when most people are most likely to be faithful?" Right, it is just INSANE! And I did not know it before, and try to be "the nice girl" by losing my mind.
I am so glad I found this board, and get all help & support from all of you, who are so kind and considerate! Thank you all!
You ve learned a lot in a short space of time and you re handling this very well.
Let us know how you get on.
amicon,Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
If I did not get appropriate support from here, I would end up going back to my ex, and keep living with lies and insecurities. And I will wonder why I am not happy with the relationhsip... Thanks, god, I got the wisdom here.
I really appreciate you have given me the insights and wise advice constantly.
I am blushed, because I do not feel I handle it well. I am still struggling with my pain and self-doubt. I will be here until I feel heal enough.
Thanks a lot!
Love & Respect,
Rebecca
I think you have handled this tremendeously well. You have been brave to face up to and accept the unpleasant truth. You will learn a lot from this, and will be a stronger person. In a year or two you will look back on this and laugh, and realise what a selfish/emotionally destitute person your ex is.
Good luck. Stay strong. Keep your head up high. :-)
Rebecca, I am sorry about what brought you here, but I am not sorry that I am getting the chance to know you. You are a very special person.
What might have happened didn't. You did find this place and I am glad you did.
Cat1864 ,Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
It was really my pleasure to meet you here.
You gave me all the support and help I was looking for unconditionally, you made me go through the tough time, and I cannot thank enough.
Yes, I believe everything happens for purpose. I think my nasty ex actually gave me so much opportunity to grow up.
1. I had opportunity to meet so many nice & wise people on this board. It would not happen if my ex did not cheat on me. It is a REALLY good side of the heart wrenching experience he gave to me. (ha ha)
2. If my ex did not cheat on me right now, I would end up getting married, and found out his 'real personality' later, and would need up with divorce. It could be disaster. I have to think it is the best side of this painful experience.
3. I never cheated anyone, and will not do it in my life.
However, for those who sees the perfect (?) opportunity & temptation, I like to tell them not to do it proactively. It just hearts everyone include themselves. I guess it will be my mission to tell this from my lessons. Just like you helped me, I should help others too when I see chances. Right?
Have a good evening, everyone!
Love & Respect,
Rebecca
sandalwood7,Quote:
Originally Posted by sandalwood7
You are so kind, but I am far from it. I will constantly try to live RIGHT though. I know I will not give in, but I still have to go through huge pain for long time...
I wish I can have a day I am completely healed, and be proud of myself not to caught as a victim of the cheating drama. Thank you for your encouragement!
Love and Respect,
Rebecca
Blackmailing Ex Over Weekend (3rd weekend since broke up)
My ex frantically started to call me again Friday night, and obviously he seemed quite drunk.
He was keep telling on my voice mail, I should give him a chance to let him prove how much he was regretful and changed.
He insisted he became a new person since we broke up.
“I am ready to marry you now, and I do not want to fool around anymore. Will you marry me please?”
He almost yelled at the voice mail, and background noise indicated that he was in a bar or someplace else.
He seemed totally lost.
I felt deeply insulted, since the drunken ex was trying to make a marriage deal with me.
He must misunderstand me as a woman who wants to get married with him desperately.
Saturday 3 am, I finally had to pick up the phone.
I could not resist any longer. I said to him calmly without emotion.
“What made you think I would marry a cheater to ruin my future?
Find someone else in your class, and have a good life ever!”
I hung up.
Saturday 5 pm, Dexter, my nice door man called me I have a flower arrangement delivered.
I had to walk downstairs to sign on the paper. The delivery man did not want to leave the flowers on Dexter at all.
The flower had a huge black ribbon just like it was for funeral.
The card says,
“I died inside of me since you dumped me. Can you see me bleeding? Would you care for saving a life please?”
Even he picked up a funeral card, and drew a heart with his own handwriting on the card next to the black roses. It is blackmailing…
Dexter told me my ex tried to come to my building, and he did not let him in another day. Dexter told me my ex did not look good at all.
Now my ex is not only cheater, but drunk, low, lost, and perfectly a drama king. It is just pathetic.
I handed the flowers to Dexter and came upstairs.
Where did the man whom I loved so much with my full heart go?
I wonder how low he can go further. It is scary, and I am disturbed deeply. Is his behavior normal or way off? I am not sure...
Everyone, I need your opinion on this again... thanks... and sigh...
Things look different when the blinders are off.
TAL,Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
It is very scary when I realize I even did not know this person very well for 1.5 years.
Are we all blinded when we are in love? If then, love is bliss and curse... I should be very careful when I start to date again in future... thanks for your reply. Have a good weekend!
Yes, we are very blind when we are in love. I remember my ex turned out to be a different person when we broke up. She turned out a crasy alcoholic and she used my weakness to control me. I knew her for 6 years and dated 3.
You should be very careful about who you date next time AND you should take your time. Enjoy being alone, I know I am. If they are not patient, that just shows you their own character.
Don't let him control you of that sort, you are not giving in, this is why he is feeling at a loss, TRUST ME. I gave in and well, I have still huge scars I need to heal from.
Rebecca, I just read your post re the pathetic flowers he had delivered to your doorman, its sounds like he s losing the plot and I agree with you you didn't know him-you saw what he allowed you to see.
Continue to take good care of yourself.
Hey rebecca,althougth I have not posted on your thread for sometime I have been following reading the posts.
I'm not quite sure if anyone else is picking up the movements of your ex to contact you,but my alarm bells are going off after reading the last few posts.
1. he is getting people to talk to you on his behalf.
2. he is sending flowers with black ribbons.
3. he seems convinced from your posts that he and you should be together.
4. your own alarm bells are going off with his behaviour.
Don't ignore this rebecca.. I certainly don't wish to alarm you,but just be careful.
If he becomes more persistent and you get afraid perhaps speaking to the police may be in order..
I know how extreme that sounds, but if he is starting to obsess about you some sort of barring order or protection order may be called for.
Perhaps I'm over reacting.
I agree Red, no telling how far he will take this. Staying alert would be wise.
Rebecca,
Again, I don't want to scare you, but other than losing you, so far your ex hasn't suffered any consequences. He still believes he will get you back by continuing to harass you. It sounds like you work for a law firm as you have mentioned the lawyers at work. Have you considered speaking to them? It seems that a letter from a lawyer is warranted here, to put it on record that you consider this to be harassment and it will not be tolerated. You should not have to live with this anxiety.
Harassment is a crime. It can refer to the actions of a person who is repeatedly sending you threatening letters, calling you on the phone, or repeatedly sending you unwanted gifts. It can also involve behavior such as following you, watching you, and coming to your place of work or home. This behavior is commonly referred to as "stalking". He is trying to prove his “love” for you, but it is making you uneasy. It is not necessary that the harasser intend for the conduct to produce feelings of fear or intimidation in the victim, only that the harasser has reason to know that the conduct would cause such feelings. A warning from an attorney will show proof of this. This has been going on for 3 weeks now, and his efforts do not seem to be lessening.
Had to spread the rep j-lo, but excellent advice.
The only thing I will add to Just Looking's advice is to have one of the lawyers other than Will send the notice/letter. Since Will has expressed a personal interest in you and showed up at your building, it might lessen his effectiveness in this matter.
Also, be honest with Dexter that Mr. Ex is getting worse and you are concerned about his actions. Since Dexter has had interactions with him outside of his Doorman duties, I am a bit concerned that he might not be seeing the seriousness of Mr. Ex's behavior. Though this latest floral arrangement might have shaken him, too. Dexter is also one of your first lines of defense.
Paxe, tal, you are ritght. Things look totally different now...Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
The man I loved:
1) Confident
2) Charismatic
3) Determined
4) Successful
5) Focused
6) Proud
7) Decent
The same man, but now I found as EX
1) Cheater
2) Pathetic
3) Liar
4) Self pity
5) Self-destructive
6) Stalking
7) Childish
8) Blackmailing
9) Regretful
10) Weak
11) Drama King
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