Easier said than done but it most be done nonetheless. It is so hard to accept the fact that she has already moved on. It makes me feel as if she never was committed to the realationship as much as I was hence why she is not experiencing the same pain.

I know I am doing the right thing by mourning the end of this relationship. I know that it is OK to feel this way and that I need to accept it.

I really have this issue with having my life in control. I am very good at learning from mistakes too but this is so different. I don't know why I can't apply the same procedure to this event. I am thinking irrationally all day and I have thoughts that I never imagened I would have.

I have tons of people helping me out and I have tons of drive to overcome this.

Well at least you have people to help you here and this is a great advantage. First break ups are like a shock, you go into withdrawal. It will take some time for your body and mind to get better.

Instead of thinking on how you feel right now, why don't you state the things you do to improve yourself? It will give you a greater hindsight to better yourself.

So I had a dream yesterday. My ex and I decided to go on a date and we went dancing. She was dressed beautifully and right before we left we shared a kiss. That kiss, even though it was only in my dream, made me feel like I was on top of the world. But then right after that dream all I could think about is how that guy is going to ask her out today. I will sit in front of the class and pay as much attention to the professor as possible. I will rush out of the class right afterwards. But its been on my mind all day and all night. It is driving me crazy and I feel crushed/depressed. I can tell this day is not going to be a good one.

Be strong my man! Don't set yourself up for failure already!

I don' t know why this is bothering me so much. Why can't I just accept the fact that we will never get back together and that she needs to do this in order to be happy in her life. I have difficulty separating myself from what we had once. No matter what I tell myself I cannot believe that she is not in my life anymore.

Accepting this pain really hurts. I made sure to have a busy day today because I know if I had a lot of free time I would go crazy and do something stupid. So I am going to the gym, class, taekwondo, work, and dancing later tonight. She is having her birthday party tonight hence why I want to be as busy as possible. I can't stand feeling this way. Why did I go from slowly improving to total breakdown?

It's human nature man. This is hard, to let go of someone you care so much for. As I stated before, the hardest thing I ever did. We learn from it, over a period, and get better eventually. I know it sucks, and it will continue to suck for awhile, but you are strong enough to overcome this. You need to believe in yourself.

So when will I start feeling better? I haven't done anything wrong to intentionally break the NC rule, and I have been doing all the things stated in the stickies/recommended by you all. I know this is a process and I will feel like this for a while. But I don't know for how much longer I can take this. Im not trying to let it affect me in any way (scholastically, socially, mentally, etc... ) but I am so sick of putting this fake persona everyday so that others don't see the pain I am in.

Well it is different for everyone. It took me 5-6 MONTHS before I was normal again... maybe not even normal, but 80% normal at least. It is a marathon, not a sprint. You are doing everything the right way, but unfortunately patience is a huge part of this process. You need to understand that, and understand being easy on yourself as well.

Yes, I do need to understand that. But I have huge issues with not doing things right and losing control over myself. But that alone could be made into a whole new thread.

Over the years I have build myself up by accomplishing many meaningful goals. I have worked my butt off to become the person I am today. I am SOOOOOOO afraid of not becoming the person that I have mapped out in my head.

I want to have a successful job where I will never have to worry about financial needs. I want my job (Psychologist PhD) to be enjoyable. I want to have a great partner who will be committed to me. I mention commitment a lot because my parents divorced when I was 16. They were married 20+ years. I am afraid that this will happen to me. Since I have high expectations of myself, I need my partner to have many positive qualities. She needs to be confident, adventurous, beautiful, successful, smart, artsy, spiritual, outgoing, etc... I do not want to be the couch potato when I become older. I want to continue traveling, exploring, and trying new things. I want to be a good father because my father was never there for me when I was a child.

So when I this relationship ended all these fears of mine came back.

I don't think the problem would lie with you finding a partner. These fears are unfounded and you may need some help to work on them. Did you consider seeing a counselor of some sort?
It's normal to question yourself, but you are basing yourself on too much past experience to decide your future. You are living in fear and that is completely wrong. While trying to heal yourself from your break up you may ask yourself why you are having these fears and you need to overcome them.

Hey A4 one of the main reasons it keeps coming back to you and bothering you is because, you believe everything you guys shared was perfect and could easily be like that again. You say you want her to be happy but deep down you want her to be happy with you and not someone else. If some other guy is flirting with her and trying to put moves on her then let him there is nothing you can do and it's a horrible feeling but just let time take its course. I have been going through heartache for about 8 to almost 9 months now and I feel a lot better! I can go days without thinking about my ex at all, I can go out have fun with friends and just kick back and relax and not have all this drama on my shoulders. I still do think about her every once in a while but my ex is making bad decisions for herself when I knew it would happen and I tried to tell her so. But that is her life not mine I worry about my life and my future and when the time comes again when I'm ready I will date again. If me and my ex just so happen to cross each other again one day then maybe ill give it another shot but until then Im living my life drama free having a good time! =]

Sorry for it being long just hope you get what I'm trying to say

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Yes, I do need to understand that. But I have huge issues with not doing things right and losing control over myself. But that alone could be made into a whole new thread.

Over the years I have build myself up by accomplishing many meaningful goals. I have worked my butt off to become the person I am today. I am SOOOOOOO afraid of not becoming the person that I have mapped out in my head.

I want to have a successful job where I will never have to worry about financial needs. I want my job (Psychologist PhD) to be enjoyable. I want to have a great partner who will be committed to me. I mention commitment a lot because my parents divorced when I was 16. They were married 20+ years. I am afraid that this will happen to me. Since I have high expectations of myself, I need my partner to have many positive qualities. She needs to be confident, adventurous, beautiful, successful, smart, artsy, spiritual, outgoing, etc... I do not want to be the couch potato when I become older. I want to continue traveling, exploring, and trying new things. I want to be a good father because my father was never there for me when I was a child.

So when I this relationship ended all these fears of mine came back.

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I wouldn't think of these as fears. It is normal to feel like this. You had painted a picture of your future that you were content with and a big part of that picture has been taken away from you. The uncertainty and not having control of things scares you. It sounds though as if you have laid solid foundations for your future with respect to your studies and where you envisage yourself to be in the long term. You mentioned you have achieved many goals and endured many hardships throughout your lifetime so how about for now you stop thinking of long term plans and focus on getting through each day at first. In time days will turn to weeks and weeks to months before you know it. Let life lead for a little while until you regain the strength to be in full control again. It sounds to be like you have got a good head on your shoulders and that you can definitely pull this off. I mean the exciting thing is you never know how things will turn out. With time you will be able to recreate an even better picture of your future and one that is based on major life experiences.

I went through a similar experience some time ago and I am not going to lie it was probably on of the hardest things I have had to go through but in the process I learnt new things about myself, met some great new people and made friends I know I will stay in touch with for life and would like to believe that I have come out a better person. I know this all might seem like really far away, because it definitely seemed like that when I was in your position but with baby steps at first you can definitely go through this for sure.

Thank you both for posting.

I really think I do need to take things one step at a time and start getting through one day at a time. She is having her birthday party tonight and I know that there will be people there that I would feel uncomfortable around.

But I really hope she has a great night because she deserves it. I would love to go because all my friends are there but I know if I went I would only get hurt.

I believe what I need to learn is that I should not be looking for a partner that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I need to just have fun and enjoy dating. Enjoy meeting new people and just building up this new life. I did not know another life when I was with her and now that she is gone I have lost much. I have lost a companion and now I am alone facing this life. With losing her I have lost my friends since they always they were my ex's friends to begin with. I cannot be with them anymore nore to they want to hang out with me. I have to find new friends, and a new way of seeing the world with my own eyes.

I am afraid but confident that I will be OK down the road. I have already met tons of new people since we have split. I have gone a few dates that I enjoyed very much. I have done things/gone places on my own. I have the time and ability now to do what I want and when I want.

My world has been shaken up by this breakup but even though I can't admit this I think it's the best thing that could have happened to me. Why?

I have learned a new lesson and grown very much. I have learned what to do and what not to do in the next relationship. I have learned much about myself and my fears. I have learned that it is OK to be single and not have a partner that I will spend the rest of my life with. I need to let life guide me a more instead of having complete control. That is how I met her in the first place. I let life happen and it led me to her. Life could have been so different if I did not meet her at the freshmen orientation that day. I am so thankful that I did meet her because I have grown immensly with her and as an individual. Also, I cannot believe how much I enjoy school again. Before all I could think of is being with her and being the good boyfriend to her. I took pride in being the good guy who treated her with all respect. But now I can focus on enjoying my education. I have been talking more in class and engaging in conversations. I used to not do well on exams because being next to her made me feel inferior academically. She is a brainiac and I never did as well because I worked/work 3 jobs while attending school. But now I am doing well again. With her not being next to me I do not feel pressure. I did well on an exam that I thought I would not do well on.

I don't know if this is a revelation or just a high that I am experiencing. But I am sick of feeling low and sad. I want to be happy again and enjoy my college life. These are the best years of my life. I will not wallow. I AM DONE WITH HER and I accept the fact that we will never be together again. I can see through the silhoutte and realize that our relationship was not perfect. She did make me feel lower at points. She competed with me at all times. Many times I got mad at her because I could not do the things that I wanted to. But I am not forgetting the good things about her and our time together either. I will cherish those moments for life.

I am ready to let go of this event and work towards my future. I am ready to heal and to become the person I want to be.

Well there we go, it took a bit of pain and work but there we have it lol. Now you can REALLY work on yourself and start the proper healing treatment.

Don't forget to post how you're doing.

Well there we go, it took a bit of pain and work but there we have it lol. Now you can REALLY work on yourself and start the proper healing treatment.

Don't forget to post how you're doing.

Yeah, I decided to go dancing tonight with a bunch of friends. We were there until 2:30am. It was a blast and I got to dance with plenty of girls. I have not gone dancing in a while and I am really glad that I did tonight. Even though I was having fun, I still thought of her and how it would have been awesome if her and I came dancing there. But I made sure not to dwell on those thoughts and enjoy the night.

Hehehe, I'm going clubbing all weekend long myself (it's thanksgiving in Canada). It's actually nice to let go and have some fun once in a while, this is things that you don't get when you are with someone else.

Today is the actual first day that I have nothing planned. It feels very strange to be alone. My roommates left for home as did most of my friends. There is plenty that I could do such as clean my room, do homework, take pictures, etc...

I have been thinking about her all day and how I wish one day she would call me up and ask if we could get back together. It is very hard to accept the fact that her and I are not together anymore. But I am taking this a day at a time and marking my calendar. I really do want to try 100% NC for a month.

Ok this is so weird. I am alone on a Friday night and have no plans. I feel very strange and alone. I am not used to this. For the past two years I always had something to do. Either something with friends or my partner. Even when I did not have anything planned, I could always call her and be with her. Together we would always find something to do. I have an urge to call her but I know that is not a good idea so I won't even attempt. This is something I was afraid of when I lost her.

Haha buddy, sometimes I go through the same thing still. I don't think it's about you missing her, I think it's about you being bored.

Eventually, you will come to love the quiet time you have with yourself. What do I do? I watch movies, exercise at the gym, or play videogames. If I have homework to do, I do that. But, the time is ME time! You should get some YOU time in. You deserve it.

Just mellow out, have a couple of beers, and sit outside and enjoy the cold autumn air. Or spend the entire day watching movies. Or read a good book.

Love is like an addiction. You will soon be over it. Your brain wants the chemicals that a person has when they're in love. Once you get over that period, about 30 days, you won't feel nearly as bad. You will still think about her, but... you'll be all right.

Then after about 3 months, you won't really care that much at all.

6 months - year... it'll be like, who did I date again?

I sure hope that is true because I feel this great sense of loneliness. I am not used to having time to myself. For the past couple weeks I've been trying to surround myself with others in order not to be alone. Even tonight I ended up texting tons of people until one person invited me to come join them at a bar. Even when I came home from there I went to this girls room and talked with a few people. From there her and I watched a movie together. I do not feel comfortable to having anything to do and I do not feel comfortable being by myself. I enjoyed the companionship of my partner. I enjoyed her warmth and touch. I enjoyed having someone to talk to before going to be. Someone to be intimate with. Some one to laugh with, etc... Now when I am by myself, I crave those things and it makes me sad because I do not have this anymore.

Is this normal to think this way?

Its normal-it takes a while to realise that we can be happy and comfortable with our own company.
You re doing the right thing by seeing people and building up your social life.
Its also normal to miss the closeness and the good times-but try to remember that there were times that weren't so good and that the relationship s over for these reasons.
It may seem like a long and winding road but you ll get over this.

This is the learning process, you have to learn to enjoy yourself alone. Of course it is normal, and it takes to actually be OK alone. I was like you, I tried to go out every night since I broke up and see as many people as possible. After a while, you balance your life and you find out that it's actually OK to be alone.

It is normal and expected. It takes a long time to learn the difference between being alone and being lonely.

Having had someone there by your side for 2 years and suddenly having her gone is a big adjustment.

I don't know why I am thinking this but the reason as to why I am having a hard time moving on is because I do not think I will find someone who was like her.

She was very gorgous. She was thin but had curves. Her hair was brown and wavy. She dressed exceptionally and had class. She was adventurous in every way. She was a virgin before we met but together we were able to explore like crazy. She was confident with her body and with her self. She was very different from most girls on campus. She was smart. She has a gpa of 3.96+. She is very driven and knows what she wants in life. She knew how to relax and enjoyed the occasional party. She was all this and much much more. I cannot believe that I lost her. Now I feel like whomever I date in the future, they will never match up to her. I do not want to settle for someone. I want someone with similar qualities and over the years I have met many people and they did not come even close to her.

Once you make adjustments to yourself, you will adjust to others, and their different ways. That's just part of the process, of learning and growing.

Its so normal to miss some one and their ways as that's what attracts you, but I think when your ready to really let go, you will appreciate the differences in others. For now, your just use to one persons ways. That will change in time.

I understand that but I don't want to have to settle for someone who is not as driven as me. Someone is not confident in themselves. Someone who is not adventurous.

I have this outlook for myself and the type of partner that I want next to me. I had this outlook before I even met her. When I met her she exactly matched those qualities. Hence why I fell in love with her and wanted to marry her in the end. But now to find another person that matches those qualities might take forever.

Who says you have to settle? Just enjoy the journey is my point, with whomever you so choose.

You can have a great time with people while looking for that "soul mate".

I guess I am a bit insecure in that department. All through high school I did not date because people only ever saw me as their friends. Back then I also lacked confidence and was not in the best shape. Towards the end of high school my confidence was booming in every way and I vowed not to let anything hold me back from experiencing life. I also went through a physical transformation and started working out, running, martial arts, eating healthy, etc... I took care of myself in everyway. Now people see me as a metrosexual. I have tried my best to fit the double standard. I am confident in myself as a man and do not care much about not fitting the male norm. I work hard at everything, consider myself as an intellectual, someone who is aware of social justice issues, etc...

I have many girls who think I am cute, sexy, etc... Right now there is a graduate student who is infatuated with me.

But even with all this I still do not feel confident. I feel like I am unable to attract females who were like my ex because I feel like they are out of my league. I do not know why I feel this way but being in college all I see is girls falling for the "bros." Those guys who party every night, play hardcore sports, and basically opposite of me. They do not dress well, they are rude, cannot carry on a conversation, and fit the masculine norm only, etc...

Why do I lack confidence out of nowheres? This is not my typical self.

You lack confidence because you have just broken up with someone you love. That is natural. Rejection sucks, especially when it occurs by someone we truly care for. Your confidence will come back. I also want you to apply extreme caution when putting your ex on this pedestal that is unattainable. I assure you there are PLENTY of women out there who have the same qualities she does.

I sure hope that you are right because I feel now I made a huge mistake. I feel like the reason she broke up with me is because she wasn't satisfied with me. The last couple of days I've been blaming myself for screwing this relationship up. I worked very hard to be the perfect boyfriend but I made some mistakes too that affected our relationship. She wasn't perfect either and I realize that. I know I should not be blaming myself. I know this was my first true love relationship and I did not know how to act the right way all the time. But now she has moved on. I know this very well and I have not. She was involved in another 1.5 year relationship right before me and she got over him very fast.

I do not understand why I can't just be happy that I was able to experience this. Why can't I just realize that things happen like this all the time to many people? Why can't I realize that life moves on and you do find someone else down the road? Why can't I just be happy with being single at this point in my life? Why can't I just accept the fact that I am still young and have plenty of time to find the "one?"

You aren't happy yet because you haven't healed. Do you honestly think that you would be grateful to go through this while you are still healing? That isn't reality. We cannot see things clearly when our emotions are running at a 1000mph. Once you have had time and given the proper love to yourself, then those thoughts and realizations will occur, but not right now, and not for awhile.

I just feel with this break up I have become too sensitive. I fit the double standard well but I need to realize that I am a man after all. I do not want to wallow in my pain and show my ex that I am weak. Maybe she even left me because I became to sensituve. Time to man up again and regain the confidence I have lost. That doesn't mean I will treat other women negatively or do only manly things. It means that I will be more in control of my emotions and not show signs of weakness. Women always say that they want a man who is sensitive but deep down they want someone who is strong and confident.

Being a man isn't about showing you are strong. It is about realizing you hurt and being able to get through it. It about recognizing that you have a heart and you are allowed to show emotions, you are allowed to have a pulse and be human. Being a man is knowing the right time to acknowledge the fact that you may need support, and that is why we are here.

Well the first time she came back it was because she saw how confident I was in myself. She saw the strength I had and it made her realize that I was the guy for her. I over analyze things and when I do this I become weak. Anything else in the past I was able to swallow and move past it. I started opening up too much and got lost in my emotions. Time to regain my strength and be the strong individual I was before.

I just made an intentional mistake. I did not do it because I was weak but rather because I chose to. I sent her an email telling her that I will no longer send her texts, emails, etc... I told her that I have been weak for too long and its time to be the strong myself that I was before. I told her to enjoy her life and that I enjoyed our time together. Yes this might have been a mistake but I do not want her to know that I will never get over her. I am not letting myself go down this path of depression and I will work my butt off to show everyone and myself that I can work through this.

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Originally Posted by A4Effort

I sure hope that you are right because I feel now I made a huge mistake. I feel like the reason she broke up with me is because she wasn't satisfied with me. The last couple of days I've been blaming myself for screwing this relationship up. I worked very hard to be the perfect boyfriend but I made some mistakes too that affected our relationship. She wasn't perfect either and I realize that. I know I should not be blaming myself. I know this was my first true love relationship and I did not know how to act the right way all the time. But now she has moved on. I know this very well and I have not. She was involved in another 1.5 year relationship right before me and she got over him very fast.

I do not understand why I can't just be happy that I was able to experience this. Why can't I just realize that things happen like this all the time to many people? Why can't I realize that life moves on and you do find someone else down the road? Why can't I just be happy with being single at this point in my life? Why can't I just accept the fact that I am still young and have plenty of time to find the "one?"

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Edited and spell checked, https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lk-303157.html

Let me share you my experience, I've been in 2 relationships. One for 1 yr, and the other one around 4 yrs. I got over my first relationship without a tiny bit of pain, but for my second relationship I totally broke down, it's the first I got dumped, I didn't know how to react, before god led me here. I screwed up around 1 month before I actually starting to set my mind on accepting the fact and get myself back. Everything you're feeling is normal, you're on the PROCESS of healing, but you're not fully healed. You got to be strong and patience

Your heart is lost and I'm very sorry to hear about that. I'm still healing right now, I'm able to control my emotions so I don't get wrecked up with anything about the ex. This also means I had made progress in the past few months.

Cut the contact is to make you realize that you can live without your ex, if your heart keep contacting her *in a sense that you're questioning yourself with things. Its hard to realize until you EXPERIENCED it. Just like you never know a break up can be such a devastating trip to hell. You'll know why things happen in such a way, when you accept it as a part of life. This list goes on and on... stay strong and tell us what you are feeling, focus more on thoughts rather than feelings right now!

Even though you sent the email to her telling her you will not be weak anymore and continue to be strong it still tells her that you think of her and not letting it go. I made the same mistake before. If she wants to talk to you or meet up or anything she will let you know in time. If not then continue to heal and not get involved with her at all. This will take time but after a while you won't even think about her.

I agree with you. I need to focus on myself and really stick to no contact. I need to take this time and work on improving myself. I already learned what I messed up on in the relationship. I need to be confident enough to realize that I will find someone even better. Someone who will appreciate me for who I am. Someone who will give me the time to do my own thing. Someone who will not compete with me. But until then I will work on my emotions. Pick myself up and use this event to become stronger.

So how do you work the whole being single thing? I am not even joking. Usually I try to plan every night out, that way I am not alone but tonight I stayed in because I feel sick. This is a really strange feeling being alone. I have not done this in the past 2 years. I feel strange in every sense. I have plenty of homework to keep me busy but I am not very used to being in my room with free time on my hand.

So how do I deal with this? How do I become OK with not having something planned? How do I become OK with being by myself?