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Do you know how much that hurts to hear you say that if you did what I did your wife would leave you too? Thanks a lot. And nobody get my point here.

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Okay Emo, you want the truth, you got it, instead of resolving your issues together, it deteriorated into game playing. Instead of confronting the unfairness of your situation, you let it go, and chose to play tit for tat, so she could know how you feel.

Your hurt, And I know that, but no way do you get to shift the responsibility from you, to anyone else, for how things worked out.

Sure you can make a case for her faults, but there is also enough blame for you too, so the quicker you acknowledge your own faults, the quicker we can sympathize with your loss.

Bottom line, we don't care what she did, its what you did about it that's the real issue to all of us here. Its done, and we all want you to heal, and be better for the experience. It may take a while, but you will be okay for it.

T-Man... I couldn't break up with her no matter what she did to me. When it got to that point where she did it again I couldn't take it. Being that she was just as controlling, even though we both didn't want to be n we tried, I don't think its right that I never used it against her n yet she still went behind my back more than once n all I said to her was to be honest next time n still tman u say its my fault for being the same way that she was and u are wrong because if I respected her she couldve respected me.

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I couldn't break up with her no matter what she did to me.

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No that's a big problem, and your problem to deal with.

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You say its my fault for being the same way that she was, and You are wrong because if I respected her she could've respected me.

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Yes she could have, but she didn't did she? You should have dumped her when she kept crossing the line of bad behavior.

Don't get mad and feel so disrespected, when you allowed it because their were no real consequences for her behavior, because you, "couldn't break up with her no matter what she did to me"

That was your position. So you got dumped for it. It may not be right, but the results are the same.

Thank you T-Man for finally understanding. I appreciate it.

So what should I do next time? Should I always be willing to dump a girl for something they do? She was the first to ever curse me out... was I suppose to dump her? Haven't u ever been cursed at? When I frustrated her at times I'd get cursed at. Or going out behind my back... is that a reason? We had good times but I don't think she really respected me too much. I'm doing good with no contact on a good note... is it bad to get a little sad about having to go to work?

Emo, did you see my earlier post that said that you and your future girlfriend should discuss what you both expect in the relationship. Set boundaries that you both can live with.

One person setting boundaries is not a good thing. A good relationship should be a partnership. That doesn't mean everything runs smoothly or you get along all the time. It means that you work together to iron out the problems.

A little back ground on myself.. I was taught that clubbing and going to bars is not a good thing since I was little. That's mostly why I get mad my girls would go... not mostly because I didn't trust but since it was wrong for me then why would they go alone... then I started going for my girlfriend so I would wonder why would she want to go alone... so that's how that problem started with gfs...

Things I worked on this time around...
1. I wouldn't get mad about clubbing or going out to bars together and I did it happily, but soon enough she wanted to go alone at times and to me that was crossing the line and I guess that's wrong of me?

2. I didn't talk to other girls on the phone.

3. I was always honest. She didn't like me seeing my girl cousin chrissy but I still would but I'd tell her even though she would be mad. Something she wudnt do for me!

4. I accepted her religion more and even would ask her to go to church because I don't think she ever asked me to go. I would go and pray a lot at her catholic church so that she knew I wanted to be a part of her.

I have a problem with gfs smoking and wanting to go clubbing and bars with friends. Should I just learn to accept it and that's it?

Also is it reasonable to not want your girlfriend to go to a club or bar with only guys? My other ex would tell me she was going out with only guys to a bar. Is that okay for me to not accept that? Se would say I couldn't come because they wudnt like me.

Emo, I can not tell you what is right or wrong to you. I can only tell you that when you get involved with a person she has to already share your basic beliefs. You can not change someone to fit what you need or want in a mate.

Do you know the saying about a square peg in a round hole? It isn't that the peg won't go into the hole. It's that it doesn't fit properly in the hole. There will always be a gap between the two unless the peg is too big for the hole and they are forced together to the point of damaging both.

No one will fit perfectly with you. You have to decide just how much of a gap between you and your future mate is acceptable for you and look for those qualities. You also have to decide what you are willing to compromise on. Compromise is and communication can be great padding to fill the gaps.

Bottom line is that, when you find this woman, you have to sit down and decide together what the boundaries for the relationship are. Boundaries that both of you can stay within and what the expectations are if either of you cross them. You both also have to keep in mind that relationships grow and change as the people in them change. That's Life. Part of being in a relationship is communicating and working together to decide if the changes are something you can both live with.

Relationships fall apart, sometimes it isn't beneficial to try and determine 'blame' like you keep trying to do. The emotional dust is still high. Wait for your evaluation for a time when your emotions aren't clouding your judgement.

Right now, I want to hear about you, who you are, what you like to do and all those other things about you. Right now every comment is about you and her, I don't seem to believe that you understand you are still a person without her. You can't give up who you are, how you feel for a person, you have to love you first. I am not reading that in your posts. I am hearing I love being with someone else so much that I will do anything, be anyone just to please them.

I need your help! I don't know if its because I had work today n I know I have to go back tomorrow and the next day but when I had my days off I felt strength n now I felt it go away. I find myself missing her more and thinking I won't find someone else like her again n I can hardly remember the bad she did. Its like my inside forgave everything she did and just wants her again now... what can I do? I need to be reminded of the bad she did so I can move on but I hardly can now. Am I getting worse instead of better? I'm scared of getting too sad again like last time.

Emo whatever happened you are still you.
You need to realise that you are a person in your own right and you are not dependt on anyone else.
However much this hurts here and now you need to move on and leave this behind you.
For your own good nobody else's.

Should I put back the post from the last time, to review what was told you then? The advice is the same as before. Leave her alone, and go about your business. The feelings are the same for us, all after a break up, granted you may be more emotional. But for you this is the second time in a few years that you have gone through this. It took THOUSANDS of posts to talk you down then, because you couldn't/wouldn't listen.

My question is didn't you learn last time what to do?

Others don't know you as I do, but I do know its time to relax, and do what your supposed to. At the top of the list, going to work, and anything else your supposed to do. Heartbreak is not a free pass to sit and mope, and be unproductive.

Reread some of your older posts GIVING good advice to others, and follow your own advice. You got through this before, you'll do it again.

Uh oh... I can't help but think that I want to go back n I should call her. What happened to my strength? I need to be around her. I can't help but think she is going to take me back soon. What's going on?

Emo, I think you are determined to keep up a relationship that doesn't exist. What's going on is you playing mental and emotional games with yourself and us instead of actually listening and learning.

Why haven't you responded to latest advice instead of going on about wanting to contact her AGAIN? You know what we are going to say.

As long as you have your mental gears in reverse you are going to keep repeating yourself and making us repeat ourselves. That doesn't get anyone anywhere.

OK... so what do I do? I have too many good memories n I can barely think of the bad n when I do I blame it on myself anyway!

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

ok...so what do I do? I have too many good memories n I can barely think of the bad n when I do I blame it on myself anyway!

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Stop thinking about the past-good or bad. Let it fade into memory.

Work on your self-esteem and respect. READ and PAY ATTENTION to the advice you have already been given.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lk-303157.html

Given your time here, if you want this thread to stay open, you must follow the rules.

Ever ask yourself why you would still be so hung up on someone that has essentially constantly punked you out?

I haven't followed too much the thread but there is already almost 20 pages of comment. Emo, stop thinking and stop complaining. We help people that help themselves, if they do not want to listen then we are all wasting our time.

You know what you have to do, now you just need to follow it. You have feelings, but use your brain and stick to whatever we tell you. It is not your first break up and your story doesn't seem so bad. My ex kissed and cheated with another guy and took a picture of it while we were still together, and 2 weeks later with no contact I was able to get myself in better shape. So should you.

Ok... I don't want everyone to think they are wasting their time. I have kept no contact and so far I haven't even cried once. I feel I think a lot about her but trying not to. I try remembering why this is all happening in the first place. She should have been honest and not gone behind my back and ignore me for 5 hours while I'm at work. I didn't deserve that. Knowing she was caught she could have gone home... she didn't have to stay out and ignore me. Anyway, sorry I just mentioned the past but it helps me right now. Its hard when you love but trying to be mad so that you can not feel so bad.

I just want to be happy. I'm staying active. I keep going to the gym. I want to get a six pack and I'm almost there. I love music and I have a rock band. We are practicing again on Tuesday. I just need to find more things to do.

For my next relationship I will be more trusting and at least let the girl go out with her girlfriends. Honestly I think I didn't really do anything wrong except maybe get mad when she wanted to go out... ok so call me the worst boyfriend ever.

Emopunk, let me give this a try.

You made a few mistakes here but I don't think you are a lost hope for future relationships.

I myself do not trust women as far as I can throw them. As much as everyone tells me to and to give them a chance, I cannot. There are no certanties in life.. and a relationship is definitely not one of them. There are many conscious and unconscious factors at play when it comes to love and relationships regarding the way a woman will perceive you. More often than not, a lot of men do not realize this is even happening, if they are getting lucky or failing miserably.

Don't play their games back at them, they will get even more mad at you than you did at them, and will probably end up leaving you if it persists. I don't really think that it was your fault for that, because she was lying to you. You definitely have to be a man and call her out on her BS from time to time too. You can't always say "oh its ok baby" because she will think you are a pushover. You are a man who demands respect, and gives it in return. Remember that.

I don't think anything myself or anything else here will convince you to be more trusting of a woman when she goes out with her friends, or to a bar or club. I won't sugar coat it, men are probably checking her out or trying to get with her. That's the sad reality. They don't care if she is single or if she has something with you. Nobody these days respects the boundaries of a relationship. It makes me sick, but that's just the way it is.

I definitely feel where you are coming from not wanting her to leave your side because there's always that risk of another man stealing here away. That's something you have to realize and understand, it's a risk you take when you get into a relationship with somoene. For the future, you need to be prudent and picky in who you select as your partner. Make sure it won't be someone who does this . I don't care how pretty she might be, don't settle for her if she isn't someone you can TRUST and who can be MATURE and HONEST with you. No amount of good looks can compensate for a lack of those qualities in a woman. I'd date someone less good looking to have those qualities.

Bottom line: Even if you can't trust them or aren't confident in yourself or in her. Do not show it. At least create the illusion that you are the most confident, trusting guy there is. Worry about her all you want when she is gone, but don't confide in her that you are worried or that she can't be with other men. After she hears this from you over and over again, she will lose her attraction for you because you are too naggy and aren't confident enough. At least fake it if you can't be trusting.

Hope this helps for the future

Thank you for that High Max. What gets me mad is that I thought everything was going well... I was at work and she told me to bring my charger but I knew I didn't need it for only one shift. Then I had to work another shift without knowing but I was going to call her on my break and tell her. By she kept calling and calling and texting for me to pick up with angry texts like where are you and all that. So I can't rele use my phone there so I text her I will call you soon. Still she kept on and so I kept texting that I will call you soon. After like 2 hours I text "I'm at work"... but she was mad. She said why I took so long and all that and I said I know I should have told you sooner. I honestly didn't to get a bit of a reaction from her because I had been feeling like she only cared about her job. But then I called her and she was out with her sister and since it was Thursday I had a feeling she was going to go out with her sister to their church where her ex is. I text her "r u getting mad at me just so you can go to that church... she said no... I said OK then later I said where are you going and she said with my sister to church... I said why is your ex going to be there and she said no he isn't going to be there... well then she goes and she says she is in the car but I found out she was going inside anyway... the next day we made up and have a great day and then that same night she sneaks out behind my back... I just felt this thing like she just wanted to keep sneaking out. I wonder what it is. It must be something if she has to want to sneak out. If I have to text her exactly when I have to do another shift which is understandable to me and she wouldn't like me going out by myself, then why does she have to do it... I don't get it...

We would swim and play around with each other and have so much fun. I don't think I could ever find that again. I'm so sad.

How do you move on when you don't have anyone to text that cares and nobody to make plans with for a day off? How can you move on when they are all you can think about and you miss them? When you feel you haven't done anything wrong except what they did to you n now they break it off and your left confused as to how can that one thing break you up when I did everything else so good. Where is the mercy and forgiveness? I am still here and would always be. Why can't she??

N even before me paying her back she was not sympathetic. All she said was well if your mad then either break up with me or let's go on a break... pick one or I will pick one she tells me. That hurt... she always did that instead of trying to talk it out and find a way to deal with it she would just say that and it wuld hurt me. I never wanted either, I just wanted everything to be talked about and come to an agreement.

I know my friend, its damn cruel and it sucks. I have been through so many women since the love of my life last July. And I have not found one that I have loved or felt for like I did with her.

I won't lie, this isn't easy. I miss her and wish she were mine again everyday. At least it wasn't your fault completely. I completely ruined what I had. I have to live with that burden forever. :(

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

n even before me paying her back she was not sympathetic. all she said was well if ur mad then either break up with me or let's go on a break...pick one or I will pick one she tells me. That hurt...she always did that instead of trying to talk it out and find a way to deal with it she would just say that and it wuld hurt me. I never wanted either, I just wanted everything to be talked about n come to an agreement.

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Emo, read what you wrote. THINGS WERE NOT GOING WELL if this is how your arguments went.

Pay attention to Tal's warning.

T-Man... u say that I have been through this before but remember that I got through it only because I went back with her... what do I do now?
And thank God for this site... it really helps me. I like talking to everyone here.

High... I reread and it wasn't u that someone cheated on... but how did you mess up?

Paxe... how is it that someone cheating on you is worse? I'd rather that than this because I sometimes feel I could have changed certain things whereas with your situation you know its all her fault.

Tman... this site likes telling me what I did wrong and I'm hoping its to help me with my next relationship but I need to remember what she did wrong as well as it helps. I was just a guy in a relationship who loved a girl... I gave her my everything and I made changes and worked at it... somehow she didn't want to work through the hard times and would give up instead of fix things. I always begged to fix things and to talk but she wouldn't want to. We had great times and we had bad times and we make changes... we had a mutual agreement of not going out a lot without each other but if we were going to we would be honest. That's important to me and she messed it up over 4 times... I know she didn't rele like my girl cousin but I invited her for a sleep over with the fam but she said no because my cousin was going to be there... but at least I was honest. Then that same night she said she loved me and went out without telling me... I was pissed and now something similar happened... is this a pattern of hers?

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

T-Man...u say that I have been through this before but remember that I got through it only because I went back with her...what do I do now?
And thank God for this site...it really helps me. I like talking to everyone here.

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Emo, I know you like talking to us. I sometimes wonder if that is part of why you keep obsessing over her. Do you think we won't talk to you if you appear to be getting over her?

We want you to be healthy mentally and emotionally. We won't stop talking to you just because you stop going on about where to place blame or that the anger is diminishing.

I, for one, would love to hear more about the gym and how you distract yourself from calling her. I would be ecstatic to hear that you are making new friends who don't know about her and that you are finding ways to feel good about yourself that don't involve putting someone else down.

It isn't easy to let the hurt go. We have a tendency to want to hold on to it as a life preserver, but it only pulls us under. When we let go of it, we can get our heads above water and breathe again. But as long as you have a death-grip on it, we can't help you to the surface.

Cat... I do think nobody wants to hear what I have to say anymore n I ask that everyone gives me a little more time please.
Is it possible that this is a pattern? She feels trapped or bothered and goes out behind my back even though she said she would be honest. Is this acceptable?

Also has anyone done these things with their significant other and then break up?
Go shopping,
Hanging out, have fun, give each other massages, sleep together, sex, make cute faces and love each other, talk about marriage and kids??

Look. The past I don't know how many pages have been the same things. Was this acceptable of her? Should I accept this behavior? She did this. She did that. Was this a reasonable thing for her to do?

It doesn't even seem like you're trying to move on or take anyone's advice here from what I'm reading.

People are losing sympathy.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Sure you can make a case for her faults, but there is also enough blame for you too, so the quicker you acknowledge your own faults, the quicker we can sympathize with your loss.

Bottom line, we don't care what she did, its what you did about it thats the real issue to all of us here. Its done, and we all want you to heal, and be better for the experience. It may take a while, but you will be okay for it.

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Ok so I will talk about moving on...

These are the things I have done so far to try and move on.
1. I got rid of ALL things that could possibly remind me of her in my house and car such as cd's, letters, books and pictures from my phone and room.

2. I tell myself that if she really loved me, she wouldn't hurt me and she wouldn't have done what she did to me and she wouldn't dump me if she really cared about us so much.

3. I hang out a lot with family especially my cousin James. We go to the movies and hang out.

4. I go to the gym on my days off.

5. I pray a little.

6. I vent here and try getting more advice based on my progress a lot.

7. I have band practice once a week.

So am I doing good so far? Its only been two weeks. I am trying to not suffer.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Ok so I will talk about moving on...

These are the things I have done so far to try and move on.
1. I got rid of ALL things that could possibly remind me of her in my house and car such as cd's, letters, books and pictures from my phone and room.

2. I tell myself that if she really loved me, she wouldn't hurt me and she wouldn't have done what she did to me and she wouldn't dump me if she really cared about us so much.

3. I hang out a lot with family especially my cousin James. We go to the movies and hang out.

4. I go to the gym on my days off.

5. I pray a little.

6. I vent here and try getting more advice based on my progress a lot.

7. I have band practice once a week.

So am I doing good so far? Its only been two weeks. I am trying to not suffer.

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I am glad that you are trying. Every day that you let a little bit more of the anger and hurt go is better for you mentally and emotionally.

How is the 6-pack going? I know you said earlier that you were getting there.

What kind of music do you play?

That's what we want to hear. What you're doing for YOU to let yourself heal.

Don't reflect on everything yet, wait until sh*t settles.

Makes goals. I see one is getting a 6-pack. You work on the rest of your body as well?

We play rock music and I play the drums, I'm pretty good. I'm going to do more workouts tonight when I get home.

Is it okay for me to tell myself that I did the best I could and I was very nice and I respected her and her wishes. That I did everything I could and that the only time I messed up was because I was tired of her going out behind my back. Is this acceptable to tell myself because it's true?

To answer your question before emo, I didn't give her enough attention and wasn't there for her when I should have been. She got fed up and moved out and I never saw or heard from her again.

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Is it possible that this is a pattern?

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Yes it's a pattern as no matter what you agreed to she did as she pleased, and you went along with it.

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Is it okay for me to tell myself that I did the best I could and I was very nice and I respected her and her wishes. That I did everything I could and that the only time I messed up was because I was tired of her going out behind my back. Is this acceptable to tell myself because it's true?

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By rights you should have been the one to walk, instead of letting her punk you out. But you chose the easy way out which kept the good times rolling, instead of nipping this in the bud.

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T-Man... you say that I have been through this before but remember that I got through it only because I went back with her... what do I do now?

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The fact that nothing changed because you still allowed her to walk all over you, should tell you that getting back together was not the answer to the problem.

What you do now, is don't make the same mistake, and go through the healing process, and move on this time. That simple.

Knowing you though, you still want her back, and will take her if you think she will finally agree to your program.

Stay busy guy, with doing your own thing, as it will be quite a while before your healed enough to see where your emotions have taken you, and what following your broken heart, has made you. A sucker for her false hope and dishonesty.

Keep yourself respect and dignity this time around by disappearing from her life.

OMG!! If ever someone deserved an award for their advice, T-Man, you got it!! That was amazing, especially when you said I should have walked away and nipped it in the butt instead of letting her punk me. Yeah, you are so right. T-Man... this time I have not cried so far and I feel a lot stronger than the first time. Just hoping this goes away n I can either find someone or that I can feel very happy alone n not feel hurt if I see her with someone. I know I can be okay.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Just hoping this goes away n I can either find someone or that I can feel very happy alone

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Emo

The last thing you need right now is to try and find someone to replace your Ex , they will just become a Rebound which may ease your pain temporarily but not good in the long run. Also then you'll be playing with another persons emotions and that wouldn't be fair on them.

What you need to find is YOU , so get cracking with NC and start by keeping yourself active and stop dwelling on your Ex.

Good Luck and we'll all be here to talk if you need us.

Emo, I hope you can keep up that attitude. It is a lot healthier.

Give yourself time. Remember, no quick fixes. Like getting the abs built up and learning to play the drums, you can't rush healing but it will be worth it when you come out stronger.