asking, thank you for those words they really helped me understand. I have such a gifted life that sometimes I wonder how I got this lucky. Its only this guy that keps dragging me down. Whilst I was reading your quote my ex text me (as had texted him earlier to say I will email some self harming info over rather than post it through his door and he said yes please email me the info rather than coming down as he didn't want me to see him like this)?
What he probaby meant that there was nothing wrong with him so he didn't want me coming down. I replied very politely and stated that il email the info over and that I think its best if we don't contact each other again and too take care. I hope I did the right thing??

I need to get my life back on track, I'm currently spending a lot of time with my nan who has terminal cancer and is at the hospital 5 times a week have radiotherapy. So its very hard for me at the moment trying to keep a sane mind xxxx

Quote:

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Had texted him earlier to say I will email some self harming info over rather than post it through his door

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What's wrong with his computer he can't get his own info?/ And before you make excuses for his pathetic distractions, and manipulations, you need to realize he is using your own mixed up feelings against you to keep you engaged with him, and you're a sucker for a sob story. Stop the contact.

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I need to get my life back on track, I'm currently spending a lot of time with my nan who has terminal cancer and is at the hospital 5 times a week have radiotherapy. So its very hard for me at the moment trying to keep a sane mind xxxx

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Stop the contact with this knucklehead, and focus on what you have to do, and leave the BS in the gutter where it belongs.

My gosh, please don't think in your time of need he is a support to you.

talaniman, he don't know about my nan, I haven't told him as I didn't want to be a burden to him. Ive just text him the websites over and its up to him to do the rest. I cannot physically do anymore, I'm totally emotionally drained and ready for the scrap yard!!

Im going to put this deamon to rest and get on with my life knowing that I have done all I can for him, no doubt he will be back in a few weeks/days declaring his undying love for me but it won't wash this time. He is never there when I need him and is too selfish to think of anyone but himself. Even if he knew about my nan he wouldn't care hence the reason why I haven't said anything.

Ignore him, that's a start.

Thanks for all your help and advice. Im feeling a little better today, the sun is shining and that seems to help a lot for some reason??

I know understand that its not my fault that he does what he does, I would just like to ask one more question if I may.

He has text me and asked me to go along with him to one of his self harming sessions tomorrow? I think I know what your all going to say and that's not go with him and I don't think that would be a good idea if he says that I'm the reason that he cuts himself in the first place. He says he wants me to go with him to understand what he goes through?

Any suggestions how to handle this one please without hurting him even more, I've told him that I don't think it's a good idea and he went off in a right huff with me??

Louise-ignore him.
Yes you knew that would be the reply just as you k n o w that the ONLY way to get him out of your life for GOOD is to keep ignoring him.
You enjoy the sunshine and be good to yourself.

amicon, wy would he want me to go with him to these sessions? When he says I'm the cuase of the cutting, is this another of his ways to make me feel bad, like he said he wants me to see what he has to go through??

I was angry last night when he asked me that and I said why don't you take your ex to the sessions and he replied I will then!!

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Originally Posted by I wish

STOP getting updates from your friends about him. You're just prolonging your pain and suffering.

You need to go into extreme no contact. You pretty much have to erase him from your life. Block him from email, social networks, IMs, etc. If your friends respected your well-being, they would help you keep him out of your life entirely. He's making your life too difficult.

You should be out meeting new people and having fun with friends. Not misery.

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100 % correct.Dont allow him even in your thoughts

Do not go with him. You do not need to know what he is going through.

Either say no, or just don't answer. Say goodbye (if you haven't already) and then don't answer anything he sends you. Best if you don't even read or listen to any messages.

Thank you for all your replies, I really don't know where I would e without your help and support at this difficult time. The ex is just ignoring me at the mo, he has fits and starts of when he wants to text me back and when he don't!! I just never know where I am with him

Im not going to go with him tomorrow, I've told him that I'm fed up of him ignoring me again and that I'm off out for a beer and he should have a good life. Obviuosley I haven't heard from him since and probably won't for a couple of days/weeks.

He just plays mind games with me all the time

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Originally Posted by louiseismyname

thank you for all your replies, i really dont know where i would e without your help and support at this difficult time.

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You would be even better off if you listen to ALL of the advice here.

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Originally Posted by louiseismyname

The ex is just ignoring me at the mo, he has fits and starts of when he wants to text me back and when he dont !!!!!

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How do you know he's ignoring you? Are you STILL texting that guy?

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Originally Posted by louiseismyname

i just never know where i am with him

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You're his little toy. That's where you are with him.

Here's an idea: QUIT TEXTING HIM. Quit getting updates. Block him, change your number, whatever. It looks like you're still stuck on stupid. You're not progressing by standing up to him and repeatedly telling him crap. You'll progress if you go complete NC. Let the emotional dust settle. Then you're eyes will open up, and you'll see what the rest of us are seeing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by louiseismyname

Im not going to go with him tomorrow, ive told him that im fed up of him ignoring me again and that im off out for a beer and he should have a good life. Obviuosley i havnt heard from him since and probably wont for a couple of days/weeks.

He just plays mind games with me all the time

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Because you let him

Sorry to be harsh here... but...

You are nothing to him. He's just playing around with you. He comes back to you when he has no one else. He doesn't love you. He's just saying nice things to you to keep you around, he doesn't mean any of it. He knows he can manipulate you and treat you like dirt and you would still stick around. This guy is poison, toxic, and I bet you he treats all the girls like dirt, which is why he doesn't have anyone and keeps coming back to you because you brush his ego and make him feel wanted.

Honey, you need to get yourself respect back. Don't let anyone take you for granted, use you, manipulate you and dump you aside for their personal gain.

I know it is hard, it is very hurtful because you love this person. But you need to think that sometimes we love people who do not deserve our love and we must cut them out of our life for our own good. So you need to cut off all contacts. Do not answer his calls. Do not answer any number you do not know. Do not open his emails. Block him from all social sites. Do not check up on him or any girl. Make it clear to your friends you do not want updates. If they do not listen, I suggest distance yourself from them because they are not really your friends.

Talk it out. Let it out. Be sad. Be angry. But you know as time passes by you will be happy because one day the right guy will come into your life and treat you the way you should be treated!

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Originally Posted by 123skyscraper

sorry to be harsh here...but...

you are nothing to him. he's just playing around with you. he comes back to you when he has no one else. he doesnt love you. he's just saying nice things to you to keep you around, he doesnt mean any of it. he knows he can manipulate you and treat you like dirt and you would still stick around. this guy is poison, toxic, and i bet you he treats all the girls like dirt, which is why he doesnt have anyone and keeps coming back to you because you brush his ego and make him feel wanted.

honey, you need to get your self respect back. dont let anyone take you for granted, use you, manipulate you and dump you aside for their personal gain.

i know it is hard, it is very hurtful because you love this person. but you need to think that sometimes we love people who do not deserve our love and we must cut them out of our life for our own good. so you need to cut off all contacts. do not answer his calls. do not answer any number you do not know. do not open his emails. block him from all social sites. do not check up on him or any girl. make it clear to your friends you do not want updates. if they do not listen, i suggest distance yourself from them because they are not really your friends.

talk it out. let it out. be sad. be angry. but you know as time passes by you will be happy because one day the right guy will come into your life and treat you the way you should be treated!

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Skyscraper - you were right those words were blunt but I needed to hear them!! It does hurt that he can use me like this. One day exting me then the next day ignoring me when I'm trying to help him. I really don't understand why he wants to play me like a fool (I suppose I'm too soft with him and he thinks il always be here for him when he needs me). For my own sanity I'm going to go cold turkey on him and this time for good Ive got my essay to sort out and my life to get back on track, its going to be hard and at the moment I feel like I've been stabbed in the back by him but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger don't they say.

Thanks for all your help and advice, you are all such lovely people and like I keep saying without the help on here I think I would have been in a funny farm with the ex a long time ago xxxx

Just a quick update if you don't mind, I've got a new number and text the ex to say please don't text me again as I'm not being used by him any longer, he hasn't text me back and to be honest I'm glad!! The more I text him the more his ego is inflatd thinking that I care (which I do but I'm not showing it any longer) I'm going to have to walk away with my tail between my legs and somehow mend my broken heart.
At least some good has come out of all of this, I realise that I am worth more than 10 of him and I deserved to be treated with respect at the very least.

I still don't understand why he is ignoring me all of a sudden, maybe so that I keep texting him and saying "please dont ignore me" "i want to help you as i care for you" maybe he ignores me because he wants the attention?

Stop thinking about what he's thinking!

Think your own thoughts. For example:

What are you going to have for dinner tonight? Do you need to buy any ingredients for that? Should you invite a relative to join you for Sunday dinner? What movie are you going to see next Friday night? Who can you get to go with you? Do you still have her number?

asking you are right, I know that it is the right thing to do to move on and forget him but how do you "fall out of love with someone"? My heart is yearning for this person but my head says that he is bad news and will bring me nothing but bad news.

Im not going to contact him as I don't want to be his "puppet" as someone in an earlier thread stated, the thing that hurt me is everyone saying that he didn't love me in the slightest

Life is so so cruel

His kind of love is poison to you for sure, but you don't fall out of love, you just put love for yourself as a much higher priority than what you feel for him. Maybe you can't stop what you feel for him, but you can be better at what you feel for yourself.

Texting him to leave you alone, and then worrying that he didn't text you back, is not love for yourself. Your hoping the poison shows up again. Ignoring him completely, no matter what, is showing the love for yourself you need.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

His kind of love is poison to you for sure, but you don't fall out of love, you just put love for yourself as a much higher priority than what you feel for him. Maybe you can't stop what you feel for him, but you can be better at what you feel for yourself.

Texting him to leave you alone, and then worrying that he didn't text you back, is not love for yourself. Your hoping the poison shows up again. Ignoring him completely, no matter what, is showing the love for yourself you need.

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Thanks talaniman, you have a lovely way with words and making everything sound right. Im OK giving others advice its just taking it myself that is the trouble!! Whatever happens I'm at least walking out of this with self respect and dignity, all I ever do is text him and see if he needs myhelp, ask him if there's anything I can do for him and he still ignores these texts. At the end of the day if nothing else I think that is rude of him :mad:

I was married to an abusive husband for 15 years. 99% of it was verbal abuse, constantly undermining me and humiliating me in front of others. It was different from your situation, but bad. I have been divorced from him for 8 years. But I still have to deal with him regularly because we have kids together. When he gets under my skin--and he still needles me and tries to complicate my life -- I used to start thinking about him and trying to figure him out. Big mistake! I have gotten good at just tuning out those thoughts and literally moving on to other thoughts and I'm much happier for it. I just don't care anymore what he thinks.

I don't know how you can get there, but that's where you need to be. You are giving your ex too much power over you. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of influence on you.

Whether your ex loved you or not is just another irrelevant item. The answer depends on how you define love and what exact kinds of feelings he was capable of. It's just not worth spending a lot of time trying to figure out exactly what he was feeling when. Honestly, you'll never know. And it doesn't change anything. You have to find a way to let go of wondering. However you define love, it's not a reflection on you. And I think you have to stop seeing yourself through his eyes.

Being "in love" (if he was) is something that anyone can feel at times, even people with very bad values who lie, hurt, and use others. Love is a set of feelings that seem transcendent when you are feeling them, but are really very human. They don't make you a better person. If he was in love with you, that doesn't make his two-timing okay. Whatever his feelings, they were not enough to make him honest or faithful. It is no honor to be loved by someone like that.

Life can be cruel. But as others have pointed out, you are lucky to be out of this relationship, and not married with children with him. The pain you are feeling is intense but it will pass. It is a short term pain. Try to be brave.

Continue no contact. I'm glad you are doing that. The more strict you are about not communicating with him (at all), the sooner the pain will pass. And the more strict you are with yourself about not thinking about him, the sooner you will be happy again.

Take care!

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Originally Posted by asking

I was married to an abusive husband for 15 years. 99% of it was verbal abuse, constantly undermining me and humiliating me in front of others. It was different from your situation, but bad. I have been divorced from him for 8 years. But I still have to deal with him regularly because we have kids together. When he gets under my skin--and he still needles me and tries to complicate my life -- I used to start thinking about him and trying to figure him out. Big mistake! I have gotten good at just tuning out those thoughts and literally moving on to other thoughts and I'm much happier for it. I just don't care anymore what he thinks.

I don't know how you can get there, but that's where you need to be. You are giving your ex too much power over you. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of influence on you.

Whether your ex loved you or not is just another irrelevant item. The answer depends on how you define love and what exact kinds of feelings he was capable of. It's just not worth spending a lot of time trying to figure out exactly what he was feeling when. Honestly, you'll never know. And it doesn't change anything. You have to find a way to let go of wondering. However you define love, it's not a reflection on you. And I think you have to stop seeing yourself through his eyes.

Being "in love" (if he was) is something that anyone can feel at times, even people with very bad values who lie, hurt, and use others. Love is a set of feelings that seem transcendent when you are feeling them, but are really very human. They don't make you a better person. If he was in love with you, that doesn't make his two-timing okay. Whatever his feelings, they were not enough to make him honest or faithful. It is no honor to be loved by someone like that.

Life can be cruel. But as others have pointed out, you are lucky to be out of this relationship, and not married with children with him. The pain you are feeling is intense but it will pass. It is a short term pain. Try to be brave.

Continue no contact. I'm glad you are doing that. The more strict you are about not communicating with him (at all), the sooner the pain will pass. And the more strict you are with yourself about not thinking about him, the sooner you will be happy again.

Take care!

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asking - thank you so much for taking the time out and writing that lovely message. That is my problem, I think that because he don't love me its my fault, that I have done something wrong. How can a person one day text me and say that they have carved my name into there arm so that we will be together forever and the next just ignore me? Talk about mixed signals.

I have now learnt that its not my fault that he does these things to himself, I've told him so many times to stop but he don't listen, its like he likes the thought of me worrying over him.

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Originally Posted by louiseismyname

I have now learned that its not my fault that he does these things to himself, Ive told him so many times to stop but he doesn't listen, its like he likes the thought of me worrying over him.

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Profound as every texts you give him shows you care, and validates his behavior in his own mind. So he has no motivation to change anything as he knows he hasn't lost you. He will change his actions, when he regrets them enough. But first he must completely "lose" you.

I found out tonight that my ex still goes round to his ex for sex twice a week :( despite telling me that he don't see her and he has only slept with her the once. He told me that he has never told her he loves her which I found out is a lie as he has told her loads of times, they arnt together but still do the business. In one way it broke my heart knowing he was telling me he loves me and cuts himself because of me (which must be a lie if he goes to her house as he wouldn't go with bandages) but on the other hand at least I now know what a prat and a liar he is.

I was so close to telling his ex on Facebook what he is up to but then I thought of the advice on here and decided against that idea as I don't want the hassle that would come with that.

The ex thinks the sun shines out of his and calls him a "good one"?? Little does she know that he has been texting me asking me to get pregnant by him and get married!! I feel like I should tell her but she has been warned before and doesn't listen to anyone only him.

I feel such a fool for believing his lies, I trust people and this is where it gets me. Like I say it hurt and I wish I never dug for info but now I have it, I'm not wasting a minute longer on this creep. The ex said he was going over to her house tomoz for tea and to watch a dvd, I was nearly sick when I heard that.

Oh well you live and you learn, and I've learnt a huge lesson

I so wished id never gone routing, I'm my own worst enemy!! At least I have the closure I need and will certainly move on and forget him now. Im beating myself up over how stupid I've been!! My ex must think I'm a right soft touch who will believe anything. All I ever wanted to do was help hin, why are people so cruel??

I feel used and abused and a laughing stock, his ex seems like a nice lady but is very blinkered when it comes to him!! I suppose I was the same and I had to learn the hard way and get hurt again. I thought that he would never lie to me again , boy was I wrong and am paying the price for it now

Better late than never... At least you know what a loser he is... You have closure and now take care of yourself.

I know this hurts right now. But it sounds like you finally have some clarity on who he really is. It should make the NO Contact a lot easier. Be good to yourself in this difficult time, and try to stop thinking about them. Buy yourself something nice, go out with friends. You need distractions and TLC.

Take care.

Thanks for all your kind words and advice, I've not slept a wink last night. I was doing me best to put them out of my head but it didn't work :(

I just can't stop beating myself up for what a fool I've been beliving his lies, all I ever did was care for him and ask him if there was anything I could do to help him and he still ignores these texts. He told me they were never in a relationship and were just friends that slept together one drunken night, in fact they were together 6 months :(

I asked him a couple of weeks ago if there was anything that I could do to help him and he said stay and don't move to oz like I was going to, he told me to stay when all the while he was getting booty of his ex. I could have made a life changing decision and all the while he was doing this behind my back.

It's the hurt and humiliation that is hard for me, obviousley he don't know that I know this info on him, my last few texts were asking him if there was anything I could help him with "after he cut himself" and he hasn't even responded to my offer of help.:confused::confused:

This girl thinks he is Mr Wonderful, she told me he broke it off with her at the beginning of Oct after 6 months together as he didn't want to get hurt!! That's his usual line when it gets a bit to deep for him - he runs away. The thought of them together tonight at her house having tea and watching a dvd makes me physically sick. He was really getting his cake and eating it at the end, he had his ex who he no longer is with so no commitment but still gets the booty call and there's stupid me who is texting him every two minutes making sure he is OK and telling him I care about him very much.

All of this makes his text to me which read "i cannot be with anyone else louise as i would never love them as much as i love you" a load of c**p

I felt really awful yesterday as I said some horrible things in anger to my ex (as he wasn't responding to my texts when I was asking if he was ok), I said id wish I never met him etc, so yesterday morning I just dropped him a quick text to say sorry and that if he wanted to be friends then text me that day, last night at 6pm he hadn't responded so I just text him again saying that I take it that you don't want me in your life and so I won't contact you again. (these texts were before I found out that he was still seeing his ex for booty call)

Ive turned my phone off and got another one and am using that, I just feel so STUPID and AN IDIOT, he must be laughing at me big time and that's what hurts the most, to think an intelligent person like me could be fooled into caring for someone who treats me like that, I just don't know what to do, I've been trying to get my essay sorted, I'm 1000 words into 6000. The concentration levels arnt what they were for obvious reason.

I just feel so down and used and it hurts so much, I know I made a mistake digging and wish I hadn't done it but I have and il never contact him again, I just don't know how il ever get over the hurt and humiliation :(

God I'm hurting so so much, I didn't ever think that he would have this much affect over my life. It knew from the start he lies and cheats but stupidly thought he would change, my heart is broken and I feel a fool

Don't blame yourself.
Don't beat yourself up. You re just another person like many of us who loved unwisely.

Do you think I'm right not telling the ex that he is getting booty off what he has been texting me, I don't she will listen if I tell her and he will just say I'm lying plus I don't have the texts anymore as I wanted rid of him and his lies x

Please for your own sake have NOTHING to do with any of them. Just let it go now.

Can I just ask amicon (and thanks for your help btw), why do you say let it go?

You re welcome! And let it go so you can start getting some peace of mind. Don't let this run your life.

I know that if I email the other woman for one it will look like I care about that prat (which I do but don't want to show), also he will just say imlying and now I've deleted all the texts I have no proof of him wnating to start a family with me. I kept the text for a long time but in the end kept re reading them and sending myself mad so I just deleted them and him out of my life.

She was told that he was a cheater before she got together with him but she obvioulsey chose to ignore it then and will probably do the same now.

I hate that I'm the one who has cared and been there for him but its me that is alone and feeling this way while they "booty call" each other twice a week.

Louise-you k n o w this guy and his messed up life is something you completely need to leave behind you.You are going around in circles with this, make your mind up that you have the strength to just move on.

The truth hurts, but now that you know the truth, you can let him go for good.

Louise,
To be honest, I am beginning to think you need counseling. I don't want to minimize the pain you are feeling, but my sense is that you overdramatize everything. You say you want to break up with him, and you have good reasons to do so, but you have been texting him non stop. Your behavior would confuse anyone. Being friends with this guy is not an option. Get a grip!

If you want to be happy, you have to try to be happy. Instead it seems that you are just wallowing in your misery. Everyone here has given you the same advice, but you just ignore it.
Asking

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Originally Posted by asking

Louise,
To be honest, I am beginning to think you need counseling. I don't want to minimize the pain you are feeling, but my sense is that you overdramatize everything. You say you want to break up with him, and you have good reasons to do so, but you have been texting him non stop. Your behavior would confuse anyone. Being friends with this guy is not an option. Get a grip!

If you want to be happy, you have to try to be happy. Instead it seems that you are just wallowing in your misery. Everyone here has given you the same advice, but you just ignore it.
Asking

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Thanks for all your help and advice, after finding out his lies I feel free and although I'm hurting it gave me the strength to move on. Stupidly my friend told my ex's woman about him texting me etc (I told him not too btw) and how he wanted to marry and have kids with me, she believed him at first then wanted proof but because I deleted all his texts she is unsure now. She has been warned so many times but don't listen even if she had proof she wouldn't believe it. She asked my friend to tell me to ring her but I haven't done, I just want out of this whole mess tbh. She won't believe me WITH OR WITHOUT proof so why bother.

Im just getting out of the whole mess before it gets anyworse, I'm concentrating on my family and friends oh yes and my study that I've not been able to concentrate on for weeks because of his lies regarding him cutting himself. I am sad and angry but want to get past this as then he has won. Ive turned my old phone off and got a new one so he has no way of contacting me ;);)

Anyway, that's in the past

Its in the past and it stays in the past.
Stay strong.

Thanks for all your help and advice, without this forum id be in the nut house, it annoys me that I deleted the texts from my ex so I have no proof for the ex as she is asking for some but I can't do anything about that now I suppose

Just leave that a l o n e-its not your problem. Concentrate on your own life and your happiness.