She left you, she did not cheat. She left you because she wanted something else, so this is not about trust.
When you are over this, you will see things differently and you will meet someone else and if she is "the one" you will know it.
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She left you, she did not cheat. She left you because she wanted something else, so this is not about trust.
When you are over this, you will see things differently and you will meet someone else and if she is "the one" you will know it.
I think that what she is doing, she hasn't looked past her nose. Is taking the few bad times, and covering all the good times. Is going to this guy for immediate satisfaction and comfort, if that makes since.
I agree with the new relationship feeling, but she is 2 years younger than I am, and I was looking for towards the future of us, not the then and now.
I have no idea if she cheated on me, the way things are looking, it seems like it happenedQuote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
We all think its forever when we are in love, but the reality is, stuff happens, and people change, and so does life.
Maybe you have never been dumped before, or never had to dump someone, because your heart and feelings have changed, but keep living and you will.
It sucks, but you better start learning to cope with your feelings in a positive way, as that's what's going to carry you through many things life will throw at you down the road.
So don't wallow in your own pity, to long because you may miss other options, and opportunities, that may require your attention.
Accepting things for what they are, is the key to dealing with them.
Dwelling on what was, is a fools game, to escape responsibility for your own happiness.
Sad to say, but the real relationships that I have had, have always ended in cheating. The first one just never talked to me again and got another guy who she had been seeing behind my back. The second one, well I still don't know what happened with that one. Third cheated on me, and had her friend tell me that is was over, her friend became one of my best friends after that. And this one, yeah she might not have cheated on me, but all the facts are showing different.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Am I just blind in my relationships, since this keeps happening to me? Do I just care too much, that I don't see things coming?
I've been cheated on in every one of my relationships that mattered too. First one, cheated on me numerous times and I was only 16-18 and it took me until I was 21 to even speak to her again. She was so cold on how she did it, she would paint it as my fault to make me feel guilty. The second one, who was the most recent, was emotional cheating. She would talk to him, behind my back but to my face tell me nothing was going on and nothing could ever happen. That is the biggest red flag, the one they tell you that you don't have to worry about, is the biggest one to worry about. She broke up with me, after texting my cousin saying she was going to do it. Then on the day we exchange gifts, she asked me for "one last kiss" and after we broke up, still tried to control my life, who I talked to and who I hooked up with.
I am now happily engaged to a wonderful woman, who I love unconditionally. Sure my trust was and still is sketchy at times, but I have faith in who she is as a person that she won't cheat on me. I can't control if she will or not, but I firmly believe that she wouldn't. In my opinion, you have to be stable and happy being alone with yourself before you can be happy in a relationship with someone else.
I would agree with that. Its shocking that people cheat to get out of relationships, instead of biting the bullet and being honest, at least then it would be easier to not look at them in a bad wayQuote:
Originally Posted by Romefalls19
How do you know she has not looked past her nose? Maybe she is with this guy because he is good for her. There is nothing wrong with her because she chose someone else and there is nothing wrong with you either. It is what it is!Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
You mentioned immediate satisfaction and comfort. Were you ignoring her, being complacent with her, was this an on going problem with you two?
You seem to be a very serious person and that is OK but maybe she is just not that way and wanted some freedom to be a 20 year old. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be yourself.
Looking towards the future is fine, but you can't ignore the here and now in a relationship. When you take care of the here and now, you can take it into the future.
Yes that is true, but every time my relationships have ended, the world didn't end, I didn't die and I actually regrouped nicely and better than before. Life goes on
I think it may be the way things are going in YOUR mind. I think it would be easier for you to think the worse of her, to think she cheated, than to think she left you because she was not happy with you.Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
You are so busy looking towards the future, you ignore the here and now. These are your own words. You see what you want to see.Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
I think you need to use this time to find out things about yourself.
OK, how's this.Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
I never met the guy, but she talked about him to me, not in a relationship way. She said the whole you don't have to worry about him, I love you. Then she comes home, says she is leaving, and ends up in this guys bed, 2 hours later, but lied to me about it all. Even after I knew, she still played like I was stupid. Right afterward we had parties to go to on Saturday and Sunday, which I never went to, but she took him with her, and would not talk to me around him, while all I wanted to do was get it arranged for her to get the last of her stuff. I don't know anyone who could pick up and leave that quick, and be in another persons arms that quick, without having planned it (cheated), and not being able to be by themselves (she has comfort issues, and always needs to know that someone is there for her, to have and hold)
In my eyes, whether you want to call it cheating or not, is looking as if she cheated, had a rush and said why not. You would have to be one heartless person to have got over something that long so fast. Even the devil would have taken some time
People go from one person to another that quick all of the time without ever being with that person before. It is not a wise thing but it happens, so you don't know for sure if she cheated. But if she did, shame on her.
But now, she is gone and you need to stop dewlling on this and move on.
What is wrong with looking towards the future in general or relationships. You plan on where you want to go, and then work to achieve itQuote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Yes, but while you are busy planning, that's time being wasted. I never once planned to be in the relationship I am in. I simply continued with each day, I did what I did and was done with it. Sure I set PERSONAL goals for myself, but nothing like "my next relationship" To that extent the most I did was make a list of qualities that a girl would have to possess in order for me to pursue. They weren't high maintenance ones, just simply things that I wanted in a relationship(intelligence, funny, sense of humor) but never plan for a relationship
Like a beautiful bird in a cage, set it free. Watch it fly away, no matter how much it may hurt you. Time has a way of healing all wounds. Rather you want to believe that right now or not. Take it from an old man who survived it. Back in a day .
Now that done ,Stand up taller, walk straighter, than you ever have in the past. You shall show her as well as everyone else you are the greater person for not having her around. When she does come crawling back, or calling you ( and she will ) refrain, for who wants yesterdays leftovers. ( don't tell her this ) Tell her that you will always love her but it was her that walked out when you needed her most. You have moved on, because life goes on.
In the end You will find your glory .
My thing isn't planning a relationship, I mean, what is wrong with planning towards a future, such as engagement or a family. That said, when we were together I was making a lot of moves for things and not telling her about them, such as financing a house, looking at how much it would cost to get her through college. Besides those, which are major, just basic things, like vacations and trips we would like to take.Quote:
Originally Posted by Romefalls19
Nothing is wrong with it. But you can be so focused in the future that you ignore the present. So focused on preparing and planing for the future that to ignore what needs to be done to keep things going in the present.Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
You can't ignore a person while you're busy planning for the future and expect them to be there when you're ready to deal with them.
Dude, you have to have someone who wants what you want, and is willing to work with you to get it. Your going down one path, and your partners are on another. That never works.
Your plans look good on paper, but are unrealistic. Its like buying a car and not knowing how to drive, you make mistakes, and tear the car up before you get the skills to make it go smoothly, to where you want it.
I think you should slowdown with relationships for a while, and just have fun making friends, and dating. You need those social skills, so you know how to pick the right partner, and not think you can make one from just any body.
I understand that, I don't not believe I ignored her, but I didn't spend every waking second focusing on herQuote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
I had talk to her about both things, and she understood and agreed with me, she was excited and getting a house, and getting through college. What I didn't talk to her about was where the house might be, how much it was, or when we would be getting it.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
As for future relationships, heck I don't know, I'm 22(in 8 days) I never look for serious relationship before, I always seemed to fall into them, as more time past and it becomes more serious.
And you shouldn't.Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
You seem like a very focused person and that is good but you need to learn to enjoy life.
Perhaps you were focusing on things that she just didn't care about. You were certainly doing things she didn't even know about. Sounds to me like you have a control thing going on as well. Maybe you were so focused on your plans, you were ignoring her and did not realize it.
I think as a 20 year old young lady, she just was not on the same page you are on and that is not to say that's wrong, you two are just not on the same page.
Now it's time for you to let this go and move on.
I think you are too intense, you need to chill a bit. How about making plans for YOUR life, just you. Stay out of relationships for a while. Focus on you.
Too intense?Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
I would like to date, but nothing serious. Just go and have fun
Then do that.
Let her go and have fun. It only gets serious when you let it get that way.
I'm not sure dating is the most viable option for you right now... I would stick to just hanging with friends and having a good time. Ordinarily, after a rough break up, you want to give yourself some time in between dating to get to know yourself and what makes you happy, before you jump into dating, regardless of whether you take it seriously or not.
You can have "fun" without going on dates. Becareful not to fall into the trap of bringing emotional baggage into another person's life.
I didn't mean right now. I don't want a rebound girl, that isn't fair to her or me.Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
You are talking a lot of "what ifs" man. Right now, this is what I want you to do. Go and find a hobby, something that will occupy at least an hour and a half of your time a day. Then I also want you to go and buy and bag of pens, and a notebook. Each day, I want you to put one entry in that notebook about how you are feeling that day. Good or bad, always write in it and date it. Anything you wish to say to her through a phone call or text, do it in there. Then in ONE month, go back and read the first 3 entries and the last 3 entries, see how far you have come.
Don't worry about women right now. You just lost the love of your life. Now you need to experience what life has to offer on your own for a while. Let all of this emotional turmoil settle and go out and have fun. Trust me, no matter how bad things are, fun distracts ALWAYS take your mind off the bad things for a little while.
Also, since you seemed stressed out, try joining a gym. Exercise relieves stress, PLUS, there are women at gyms... scantily clad ones. That certainly passes the time for me for about 1-2 hours a day. After you're done exercising, you will feel great. This also goes for other gym memebers. I find the people at my gyms are pretty friendly... even the women.
Yeah, I have been working out on my gym at home. As for doing fun thing I like going hiking/rock climbing. After that I don't really care what is going on in the world, cause I'm beat from doing that for 8-10 hrs.Quote:
Originally Posted by jmw0713
Bad to say but one of my biggest hobbies is computer, since I'm in the IT field.
Darn if that doesn't happen to us all. Once you have sex, your both hooked. Until the lust fades. Then the stuff hits the fan!Quote:
I never look for serious relationship before, I always seemed to fall into them, as more time past and it becomes more serious.
Then that is EXACTLY what you need. You need to do something that makes you not care what is going on for a little while to keep your mind off her and elevate your mood for a while.Quote:
after that I don't really care what is going on in the world, cause I'm beat from doing that for 8-10 hrs.
You need to get out and stop dwelling on things. I'll tell you what... for the next month, do not turn down ANY social invitations (unless you absolutely have to) from any of your friends. Go out or hang out with some friends at least 4 times a week. Then come back and tell us how you feel...
Tal:
After lust... that's when you really know what you have.Quote:
Darn if that doesn't happen to us all. Once you have sex, your both hooked. Until the lust fades. Then the stuff hits the fan!
That's exactly how I got through being dumped, back in the day.Quote:
next month, do not turn down ANY social invitations (unless you absolutely have to) from any of your friends. Go out or hang out with some friends at least 4 times a week. Then come back and tell us how you feel...
Smile at the goods, laugh at the bads
Day 15,
It's gotten better, I have been hanging out with my cousin for the most part. And listening to his situation, though it doesn't take my mind off mine, it gives me a problem to solve and help him through the stages that I have gone through. His is recent, and he will finally be away from her in 2 days. ( I never thought I would he this close to him, we never really talk when we were younger) anyhow it feels good to be able to hang out with someone going through the same thing. I have take a lot of the advice all of you have given me and passed it to him. Thanks again for all the great advice, I will be back in a couple days to give an update on my situation
Group therapy is the best. That's why this website helps! Everyone on here has, or is, going through the same thing.
I'm glad to hear you're not dwelling anymore. The more you help your cousin, the more it will help you.
Day #---
So I took my cousin hiking with me yesterday, 9 mile hike burned off a lot of stress, and was able to take his mind off his situation, though for some reason it didn't help me distract my mind. I felt that I had 10 steps forwards, now I feel like I just took 40 backwards.
I'm back to not sleeping. For eating, I never have time, I'm running constantly, which is probably part of my sleep problem. I wouldn't wish this on an enemy, I'd rather go back in time and go through my 3 surgies, that was less painful and scary
AKeagle,Quote:
Originally Posted by AKeagle
I have been there years ago, and I know exactly how you feel... It is miserable, and that is what is about break-up. I could not eat or sleep, did not want to breath, and I did not care about anything around me include my job... I was lost and actually hate myself without any reasons. I dragged myself to work, but could not focus on anything.
HOWEVER, manage yourself with DIGNITY. DO NOT contact your ex girlfriend. If you do, you will regret more in future, and feel ashamed.
The healing process have multiple steps, and you feel worse now because your mind is finally accepting your loss after the initial shock & anger. It is very natural, and you should feel empty. I felt more miserable by the fact that I miss (instead of hate) my ex who put me in the great pain. Life seemed unfair to me, since the ex is getting more power over the break up while I miss the person, and the innocent person is suffering alone in pain.
HOWEVER, do not worry. It will pass, and you will be rewarded. Your ex did a good thing for you actually. You should be happy since you are single, and entitled to search your REAL soul mate instead of settling down with less. I found my soul mate and am happily married now.
You need some sleep to function. In my experience, the anti anxiety pill helped me to relax & sleep, and you need doctor's prescription.
Be strong!
It's all part of the healing process, but you will soon feel better. Try to do whatever you are doing and not reminiscing about the past. Change the subject with your cousin, see other people...
Wow, that is a nice outcome. Was the new woman better than your EX?Quote:
Originally Posted by Romefalls19
How long after she broke up with you that your EX wants you back?
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