I feel like, now that she gotten an ego boost, attracted a strange shag, and figured out a way to dump me, she feels like she can really now keep her eyes on the prize with confidence...
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I feel like, now that she gotten an ego boost, attracted a strange shag, and figured out a way to dump me, she feels like she can really now keep her eyes on the prize with confidence...
Dude.. you're going down my path.. you are so worried about what is going on with her... just like me right now.. I know its hard.. but we need to focus on other things...
Guys, in a few months you will not care at all about your ex, trust me. Just take our word for it, this will get better.
YES!! I'm so glad that you are starting to see what needs to be done. You need to worry about yourself. Trust me I know how hard it is when your hurting so bad. And it will take time. But you got to do this for yourself.Quote:
Originally Posted by totallylost07
And thanks, I am going to. Right now Im devastated. The good thing at least is that Im starting to get pissed. A feeling I couldn't muster up before.
I never and I mean never am amazed at how women evil are anymore. That's not a anti-woman thing, but I was always raised to be sensitive to them and their feelings, when the reality is much different.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I know you are hurting but I see a lot of talk about her. You know what I'd like you to do. Write something on this website that you want to do today for you. Doesn't have to be big, cleaning the house, cooking something for dinner, going for a walk... what ever you want to do for you. Then after you told us want to do for yourself today, I want you to go do it.
I was raised the same way, to treat others with respect. That's why it was so easy for to feed off that and use me. I hope that I don't become so damaged & jaded that I can't give to anyone, like the way she is...
The pain your in is how she always felt and always will. Take comfort in that.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Well, chuff at this moment I am throwing all her stuff away, and the wardrobe I bought her cause she always complained how she never felt at home here. I will try to offer up some positive posts...
Well this is a start and I encourage it, it is still related to her. What I want to know is, what is Vanheart going to do for Vanheart it is exclusive to him. What are you going to give yourself today?Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I will try & figure that out. Right now Im reading up a bit on narcissism and starting realize its totally the disorder & in a way, that's helping. Yesterday, I took a walk on the beach, & got my tennis racquets restrung.
I had a bit of a setback today, but I will try. Have a couple projects going, but have been too paralyzed to work. I'm going to force myself to do that.
There you go. That was the sort of thing I was looking for.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Don't stop posting here, get everything you got out, but at the same time don't lose focus on the fact that you are the one we want to see get better here. When you feel alone you can know you are not. But you also need to start building a foundation that is based on you. I'm not asking you to change your life, just do something small for you. At the end of the day this is not her journey to a better place it's yours. I don't want you to forget it or lose sight of it.
I know that & thanks. I'm sure I will be continuing to post in the days/weeks to come.
I came here 3 years ago over something so stupid with a girl and I've been here ever since. AMHD.com has out lasted 2 girlfriends and a few dates with girls here and there. It's both an addiction and a strength builder in one.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I realize that. & am grateful for finding this. Im sure there will more to come & its really been a savior so far. Not sure what I would have done.
Yep, your life is looking better all ready. You gained me!!
And me
::Waves::
Same here.
Van, why did you forget Rome. You know how sensitive he gets.
Hehehe, I was saying that to everyone...
Felt a bit better last night, put all of my notes and advice in a stack made a list for today & tried to give my mind a rest. Woke up super early again by a nightmare about her followed by some more bad dreams after that and then an anxiety attack. I know it sounds dumb, but I still miss her and feel so hurt. My mornings seem to bring the most despair. This will be my 9th day of no contact & can't help feeling like yesterday's news..
Dude there were mornings I almost had to vomit when I woke up, especially after I found out she was dating another guy. Mornings and nights sucked... keep it together, I know it's hard.
Yup, that's me right now.
We had a bunch of plans this summer out here. 2 weddings (her friends) and other events. Now, I feel totally excluded and her reasons for traveling here are no longer about me. She can still feel excited about coming here.
I hate the fact that this pain keeps emerging & it seems as soon as I start to make strides, I seem to experience the pain all over again.
Look how I turn this around and make it a positive.
Great, now you don't have to buy gifts for somebody you didn't know. Nor will you have to sit in a hot church for hours thinking to yourself, "can we hurry this up, already."Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
She gets to deal with them alone and you are free to do what I want.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Because when she gets here there will be reminders of me everywhere and karma will catch up to her then.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Awesome, you are normal functioning human being capable of love and even though she is void of that concept your brain is doing what it was designed to do, not only protecting your feelings but using this time to make strides which you recognize and that is coming with some occasional pain that will lead to a stronger you. This break up has provide me with so much already, I've found a great website and learned a just how tough I am which will not help me now but for the rest of my life.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Any negative you can give, I can and will find a positive in it. I'm not doing anything special, just being using the same thing you are and looking at it differently. Any negative you have, search yourself and your brain will give you the positive in it.
Thanks Chuff, I appreciate that. I try to really stop thinking about everything, but it seems there's a new set of things and reminders that emerges every day.
The reminders will be there, the thoughts will be there, it's what you make of them that counts.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
That's true. Im feeling pretty low today, almost numb and empty
You appreciate that your brain recognizes the emptiness and the range of emotions that it offers you, now you will do something for yourself.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Negative into positive.
Thanks. I'm trying.
Which is better then you were a week ago, so you've already improved.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Negative into positive.
I guess so, just doesn't feel that way.
Little by little you get better, it's not waking up one day and everything is cured, it's a process. It's like a detox from a drug, gets easier with each passing day, even though you feel you haven't made progress, you do
Van,Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I posted my opinion early on, and have casually but keenly followed your conversation. You have been getting some really good advice and amazing support, and because of that, I had nothing to say until now.
You have been facing reality and dealing with it as well as one could expect. But, it occurs to me that you have two directions you can take now, both of which will relieve you of some of the pain, maybe all of the pain, you have been experiencing. It's worth looking at the openings you will create for yourself by exploring these options.
In simplistic terms, the two directions are in and out. I believe that you have been stuck in between them, turning within yourself, trying to break free, but struggling because you haven't gone far enough in either direction.
"Out" means getting out of yourself, expanding into new, positive actions, attitudes, and interests, going beyond the old you, learning from this experience and moving on... in general, taking a healthy, productive stance that gets you to drop your attachment to her and get about your life. All good.
"In" means—and this is what I believe will be new—going into the depths of your mind at levels that have nothing to do with her, or anybody else for that matter, but instead reveal your own inner reality to you in ways that you can use to grow with respect to the whole of your life, engaging this experience as a catalyst for self-discovery and self-understanding, following the trails left by your dreams and anxiety attacks, becoming an explorer of your psyche and discovering long-standing blocks in your heart and mind, maybe dismantling a block or two, but mostly just knowing who you are deep down. Maybe it won't be obvious at first glance, but this direction is all good, too.
Moving your attention and emotional commitment in either direction will get you out of yourself (your day-to-day self) enough to free you from obsessing any more about this relationship. You can lose yourself, even forget that you exist as a separate entity, in something bigger than you (Out) and in the smallest, most tender parts of your mind. (In. Note that small doesn't mean "weak.") The inward focus will make you aware of things you either took for granted or didn't know existed in you and having new choices as to how you express them. Either way, you win.
Does that make any sense?
Tao
Deep down I believe that, right now minutes feel like days. As much as everyone has helped here & the research Ive found about her personality, I still feel pretty broken.
Yes, tao. It does and I have been obsessing due to the shock which I guess I know is more about her & why/how. If you can offer up any methods to help, I would appreciate it. I really don't want to be in pain anymore and am frustrated with myself for reverting when new insecurities arise.
What part of you, specifically, is broken? This might seem like it should be obvious, but ask yourself the question, please.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I think that being proactive with your healing, by making a plan of ACTION, that allows you to replace the old memories, and feelings, with new ones, is the best way to go. It's the doing for yourself, that heals, and makes the time go by faster.
Have you read the stickies at the beginning of this forum? They are a must read, with some excellent suggestions, and insights, you can use.
They also will let you know, you are not alone in your situation, and this can be dealt with, and make you a stronger, better, more aware person.
Above all, be patient with yourself and let the shock of the break up wear off. It will.
I guess if I had to pinpoint this it would be confidence, esteem, focus. Forcing emotions that I don't wish to possess like jealousy and insecurity. I suppose this all stems from the shock & lack to closure at this stage as well as the deceit.
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